“It’s not for much longer,” Ash shrugged. “I can survive until then.”
“Yeah,” Michael felt his uneasiness return as he contemplated the outside world. The warm feeling inside him subsided as the elevator descended from his heaven in the clouds and returned to the real world. He was left with a loneliness that spread through him as he contemplated returning home. Michelle and Taryn will be waiting, and I’ll have to look them in the eye and try to forget that I made a promise to leave them both.
He drove home, the melancholy feeling persisting as he opened the back door. Michelle was in the kitchen. Taryn rushed up to meet him and he scooped her up and hugged her tightly.
“Hey, sweetheart,” he said, the guilt crushing his chest like a weight as he forced a smile.
Michelle emerged from the kitchen, holding a letter. “Michael, the zoo sent us a letter. They want to make a settlement! I was thinking about replacing my car...”
Figures. They haven’t even made an offer yet and you’ve already spent it. Michael realized he was gripping Taryn too tightly and set her down. “It could be a set-up. We should see what they want first. When’s the meeting?”
“Monday. Oh, it’s so exciting! Don’t you think, Michael?”
“Yeah,” Michael said, but he couldn’t fake the enthusiasm. I’m more excited about Ash’s bike than your car. I guess I’m just not interested in investing in this empty life any more. This has become the relationship with no future. He headed upstairs with Taryn and put her to bed.
“Daddy?” Taryn asked, as Michael settled her down.
“Yeah, honey?”
“Did you make up with Mr. Ash?”
“Yeah, honey. Yeah, I did.”
“That’s good.”
“Thanks, hon,” Michael ruffled her hair. If only you knew the truth, little one. If only you knew that I’m planning to leave you behind to live with him. Then you wouldn’t be so happy. He turned out the light, the emotion squeezing his heart and making it hard for him to breathe as he made his way to the bathroom.
He sat down on the toilet and put his head in his hands. What the hell am I going to do? I can’t make this choice. I can’t choose between Taryn and Ash. I love them both. I can’t stand to lose either one of them.
They sat in the zoo office’s waiting room, an awkward silence in the air. Michael sat with Michelle, and Ash sat opposite them. Michael sat twiddling his fingers, glad Taryn was in school. She’d run up to him and tell him she was glad we were friends again. Then I’d have some explaining to do. He tried not to look at Ash, who sat there in a comfortable slouch, feigning a confidence Michael knew wasn’t real.
It was Michelle who broke the silence. “Sir... I wanted to thank you for saving Taryn. I never actually thanked you. I understood you suffered a broken arm.”
Ash smiled, a warm smile that melted Michael’s heart when he looked up. “You don’t have to thank me. I’m just glad she’s safe.”
Michael bit his nails, wanting a cigarette badly. “Well, thanks anyway, Ash. You saved my daughter’s life. I’ll never forget that.”
“Aw, you’re too kind. I just did what anybody would have done.” Ash squirmed a little in his seat and Michael realized he was actually enjoying making him feel uncomfortable. I shouldn’t torture him, though. He’s keeping his silence for me.
The silence returned. Michelle rummaged in her purse for something and Michael shot Ash an apologetic look. Ash shot him a smile in return and Michael had to suppress the urge to walk over and kiss him right then.
An assistant opened the office door. “Ashley Fallow?” Ash stood up. “Well, I guess that’s my cue. Nice to meet you, ma’am.” He nodded to Michelle and entered the office.
“What a nice man he is,” Michelle said. “You would do well to take some lessons from him.”
Michael had to suppress the urge to laugh out loud. Oh, I’m taking lessons from him all right. Just not ones you’d approve of. Instead he said, “I’m sure he’s not always nice. Everybody has their flaws.” Except he is always nice, kind, understanding, patient and loving. Not that I could ever tell you that. A shiver ran up his spine as he remembered how tender Ash could be in their private moments and he pushed the thoughts away.
They sat in silence for another ten minutes before Ash emerged from the office.
“See you at work,” Ash waved casually, keeping up the pretense. “Have a good one.”
“You too,” The assistant called them in, much to Michael’s relief and they entered the office, sitting down in large leather chairs.
“So, what’s the catch?” Michael asked, straight out. “Nobody gives out a settlement unless they get sued, and I didn’t sue you. Neither did Ash. So what’s going on?”
“You don’t beat around the bush, do you?” The lawyer behind the desk chuckled. “All right. It’s like this. The zoo accepts liability for the accident, but they don’t want people talking about it. An investigative journalist is trying to paint this zoo as unsafe in a documentary she’s producing. We’re willing to offer you this settlement of five thousand dollars if you agree to keep your silence on the matter.”
“Is that even legal?” Michael asked.
“We’ll take it,” Michelle said. “Be quiet, Michael. Do you really want to tell the world you let your daughter run into a cage with wild animals? We could do a lot with five thousand dollars!”
She’s right, Michael thought. Ash probably took the money too. This isn’t worth starting a war about. Let her have the money. Let her buy a new car. She’ll need it when I’m gone, anyway.
“Okay,” Michael nodded. “I’ll be quiet. Where do I sign?”
They left the office and headed home. Michelle was delighted, squirming with excitement in the seat beside him. She could spend that money a thousand times over. To me it all seems pointless. It’s just stuff. The only things I want are the things money can’t buy. He pulled into the driveway and let Michelle out.
“I’m going to the store. You need anything?”
“You just want an excuse to smoke. Okay, okay, you earned it. Get me a bottle of milk, okay?” Michelle smiled and closed the car door, heading into the house.
Michael knocked on the door and Ash opened it almost right away, drawing Michael into his arms. He closed the door and pinned Michael up against it, kissing him deeply.
“That’s what you get for torturing me in the office. I had a boner the whole fucking time. I almost took a trip to the bathroom.”
“Michelle told me I should take some lessons from you,” Michael said. “I wanted to tell her that I already am.”
“You’re top of your class,” Ash smirked.
“So? Don’t keep me in suspense. How much did you get?”
“You’re assuming I took the money,” Ash said, with a straight face. He burst into a smile as Michael looked crestfallen. “Of course I took the money, you idiot. Fifteen thousand dollars, plus all my medical bills. I can buy the bike and put money away for our future.”
“Michelle’s pretty much already spent ours. She wants a new car and her nails done, her hair styled and a year’s worth of tanning. It’s gone before it’s even in the bank. Not a penny for Taryn’s future. It made me angry.”
“You didn’t fight her about it?”
“Nah. Let her have her car and her nails. I’ll be gone soon enough.” Ash held him and Michael rested his head on Ash’s chest. “It’s funny. You’re doing more for Taryn then she is.”
“Yeah, well, she deserves to see her dad, and she will,” Ash said. “We’ll fight for her, Michael. I promise you that I’ll do everything I can for her and for you.”
Such sweet words make me believe that I could have it all, Michael thought. If only the world was actually that kind. No matter how much money he has, it won’t change a thing. They’ll never grant custody to us. Having Ash means losing Taryn, and is that a price that I can stand to pay?
Chapter Sixteen
Ghosts
Micha
el arrived to pick Ash up for work to find his lover waiting for him. Ash was standing beside a large covered object in the basement garage. He had a wide smile on his face as Michael pulled up and rolled down his window.
“What’s that? Did you buy a bike already?”
“Park the car. We’re going to work in style today.” Ash pulled off the tarpaulin to reveal a motorcycle. “She’s not much, but I was on a tight budget. Come on.”
“We can’t... I mean, everybody would see us...”
“So what if they do? You’re riding on the back, not fucking me in public. Come on, it’ll be fun.”
“I’ve never done this before,” Michael admitted. “What do I have to do?” He locked his car as Ash climbed on the bike and started it up.
“All you have to do is hold on tight.”
“Okay,” Michael hopped on and wrapped his arms around Ash’s waist.
“Yeah, just like that. Don’t let go.” Michael held on tightly as Ash took off and they shot forward and out of the garage, racing down the street. Ash’s hair fluttered in the wind and Michael rested his head on his back.
“Relax,” Ash yelled, the wind carrying his words away so that Michael could barely hear him. “Trust me.”
They stopped at a light and then sped off again, turning onto the main street. Michael started to relax and enjoy the feeling of the wind in his hair as the sun came out from behind a cloud. All our days could be like this, Michael thought, as they raced down the high street. Soon enough they reached Michael’s workplace and Ash pulled over.
“Well, I’ll pick you up later. Okay?”
“Okay.” Michael almost reached in to kiss Ash and then realized where he was and clapped him on the shoulder instead. “Later on, then.” Ash pulled away and Michael watched him go. You challenge me. You make me feel like I haven’t felt in years. Like I’m young again and the whole world is new.
The thrill of fear and excitement followed him into work where it was quickly dulled by routine and boredom. In the back of his mind anticipation was building for the end of work and getting back on the bike with Ash again. He punched out as soon as he could and raced out to the parking lot where he could see Ash waiting. His breath caught in his throat at the sight of him, his long black hair tousled by the wind, a smile on his face. He raced down the steps and rushed up to him, fighting the urge to take him in his arms right then and kiss him.
“Let’s go,” Michael said instead. He climbed on and Ash took them out of the parking lot. Michael gripped his waist more tightly once they were out of sight.
“Where are we going?”
“You’ll see,” Ash yelled back over the roar of the bike. “Just relax.”
They headed out of the city, the concrete jungle changing to hills and fields. Finally, Ash made a turn and they headed off the road, up a steep hill that seemed to stretch on forever. An abandoned, worn down house loomed before them as they came to a stop.
“This is where I grew up,” Ash said. “Not exactly the happiest of memories, but strangely this is the place where I come to think.” They dismounted, and Ash took Michael’s hand, leading him past the house and to the edge of the hill, where an old oak tree stood.
“The city looks so small from up here,” Michael said. “The lake looks massive in comparison.”
“Well, the lake could flood at any time,” Ash said. “Usually it’s smaller than that.”
“How come you don’t live here?”
“Oh, it’s unsafe now. This hill is slowly being eroded by an underground river. The house will eventually fall down. I wouldn’t want to live here anyway.”
“Too many ghosts?”
“You could say that.” Ash drew Michael into a kiss. “So, what do you think? You showed me your thinking place, so I figured I’d show you mine.”
“Yours is better,” Michael said. “That’s one hell of a view. One hell of a fall, too, if we’re not careful.”
“Yup.” Ash’s voice was quiet and tight for a second and he held Michael close, resting his back against the giant tree. “Michael, I’m glad you came into my life. Even if we’ve had problems. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
Michael pressed him into the tree with a deep kiss. “I don’t know why. A man like you could have anybody he wanted. Why’d you pick me?”
Ash smiled. “I don’t know what it was that day that made me trust you enough to reveal my sexuality, but it’s the same thing that makes me trust you now. I feel safe with you.”
“It was my fault you broke your arm,” Michael said. “Trust me, you were safer living alone.” He shook his head. “Is it safe to go inside the house?”
“Sure. Can’t say what state it’s in, but it should be okay.” They trudged down to the house. Ash tried the back door and kicked at it when it wouldn’t budge. It yielded in a shower of splinters and they headed into the dark basement. Another door stood between them and the stairs upwards, but it was already broken, a huge hole in the door that they walked through.
Ash carefully climbed the rotten steps and Michael followed. The sun shone into a hallway that led to a kitchen, living room and a bathroom, the wallpaper peeling off of the walls. Ash passed by and headed upstairs. He stopped in front of a room with a dozen locks on the outside of the door.
“This was my room,” Ash said, almost in a whisper. He headed inside, Michael following. An old mattress was the only thing in the room, and there were bars across the window. “It’s just like it was back then.”
“It’s like a prison,” Michael said, his eyes widening. “The locks on the door, the bars on the window.”
“Yup. My stepfather hated me. He would lock me in here for days at a time with nothing to eat or drink. If he got frustrated with my mom he would come and hit me. That’s how I got all those broken bones.”
“Ash...” Michael searched for words, but he could find none.
“I thought there was something wrong with me. I thought I wasn’t worthy of being loved. I thought I was cursed. Finding out I liked men only made it harder. I thought I deserved every blow.”
“That’s not true!”
“I know that now. I was just a kid back then. I didn’t know any better.” Ash sighed. “I left home as soon as I could, but it stayed with me. I screwed up everything I touched. I sabotaged every relationship I had, still believing somewhere that I wasn’t worthy of the real thing. Ending up in porno was inevitable, really. I felt most valuable when I felt like all those guys wanted me, that people wanted to watch me.” He sat down on the mattress. “I thought I was destined to die alone in this city of broken dreams until I met you. You were hurting and lonely and I guess I felt a kindred spirit in you.”
Michael sat down beside Ash. “I guess I’m lucky. Two normal enough parents, a decent enough childhood. The problem was, I didn’t know how to deal with being not normal. I wanted to please everybody. I was scared of letting everybody down. So apart from a couple of random encounters, I pushed away my desires and did what everybody expected me to do. I got married, bought a house. I pleased everybody except myself. Then I met you, and you reminded me of everything I denied myself for so many years. I’m the lead actor in my very own TV show at home, but when I’m with you I’m alive, freed from everybody’s expectations.”
“We’re both fucked up,” Ash said. “I guess that’s why we’re perfect for each other.” His hand found Michael’s and he squeezed tightly. “I know I don’t want to fuck this one up.”
“Me neither. I just want to be honest with the world for once, and stop trying to be perfect.”
“You are perfect,” Ash said, leaning in for a kiss. He pressed Michael down onto the mattress and let his hands roam down Michael’s body.
“What, here?”
“Let the ghosts watch. Let them know I’m happy now, that they can’t hurt me any more.” Ash pulled Michael’s shirt over his head and removed his own. He unbuckled Michael’s belt and reached for his cock.
“Not all the way hard? That’s a first.”
“Sorry,” Michael said. “It’s this place. It’s the thought of you getting hurt here. I can’t stand the thought of anybody hurting you. It makes me want to snap them in two.”
Ash leaned down for a tender kiss. “You’re too sweet. It was all a long time ago.”
“Is this why you were so protective of Taryn?”
“Yup,” Ash rested his head on Michael’s bare chest. “I couldn’t stand the thought of her getting hurt. Especially because of me.” Michael stroked his hair as it fell on his chest.
“Come on, let’s get out of here. I liked it better by the tree.”
“You wouldn’t if you knew the whole story,” Ash said. “I jumped from there once. I wanted out of this life, only I hit the dirt on the way down and slowed my descent enough not to die. I broke a few bones and got pretty scratched up, though.”
“Damn.” Michael was squeezing Ash in his embrace without even realizing it.
“It’s okay,” Ash smiled. “You don’t have to keep me in your grip. I’m not going to jump now.” He sat up and pulled his shirt back on, feeling suddenly vulnerable. “I’m not going to break, so don’t get freaked out, okay?”
“Hey, I can’t help caring,” Michael seized Ash in a kiss to stifle further protest and slowly pulled away.
“Let’s get the hell out of here,” Ash offered Michael his hand and they headed downstairs. Michael imagined the ghosts all around them, a young Ash pleading with his stepfather not to hurt him and emotional pain shot through him, a mixture of empathy and the instinctive urge to protect. He doesn’t want me to protect him. He’s not a child any more. Neither does he want my pity, he’s got too much pride for that. He just wanted me to know. That’s all. I shouldn’t keep myself up at night about it.
They rode back to Ash’s apartment in silence. Michael felt Ash’s need to be close to him, but he looked at the clock with dismay.
“I’m sorry,” Michael said. “Tomorrow, okay?”
“You bet. Don’t worry about it.” He kissed Michael and Michael watched him disappear into the elevator. He drove home smoking a cigarette, trying to ease the feelings inside him. I must never hurt him again. I’ve caused him too much pain already. He deserves to find happiness and settle down. He sighed, thinking of Taryn and the choices before him. I would protect them both with my life. Why is that not enough? Why do things have to be so complicated?
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