“Is that so? Maybe not the basics, but everybody depends on someone. I depend on my wife. She depends on me. Of course you depend on Michael. He depends on you as well. Trust me when I say he’s in no hurry to race you out of the wheelchair. He strikes me as somebody who doesn’t mind caring for someone.”
“That’s not the point,” Ash said. “I used to be an independent kind of guy. I hate sitting at home while Michael works a job he hates to pay the bills. I want to contribute. I like being cared for, but damn if sometimes I don’t feel more like his kid than his partner. I want to stand on equal ground.”
“You already do,” Dr. Summers said. “The chair doesn’t change the dynamics of your relationship so much as you think it does. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you’re motivated to walk again. It’s a good mindset to go into therapy with. Just don’t push it too hard, or you’ll go backwards instead of forwards.”
“Thanks, doc. I’ll keep that in mind.”
“Well, then I’ll let the therapist take over from here. Good luck, Ash.”
“Thanks,” Ash said. “For all your advice.”
The therapist entered the room shortly after Dr. Summers left. “Hello, Ashley. I’m Marie Summers, but you can just call me Marie.”
“You can call me Ash. Say, is Dr. Summers your--”
“Yes, he’s my husband,” Marie said. “Quite a man, isn’t he?”
“Sure is. Don’t worry, he’s not my type.” Ash gave Marie a wink and she laughed.
“I hear you already have a devoted partner, so I’m not worried,” Marie said. “So, what can you move?”
“Everything but the legs and feet.”
“Well, that’s what we’re here for,” Marie said. “Have you been doing the exercises laid out in your recovery sheet?”
“I have,” Ash said, “and a few that aren’t, too.”
“All right, smart-ass. We’ll work on some exercises, then move on to trying to get your feet moving. That’s usually a good start. Don’t worry if there’s no progress today, though. That’s usual for a first session.” She picked up his legs and moved them. “Okay, just relax.”
Ash relaxed back in the chair while Marie scribbled some words on a chart. “Okay, not bad.”
They worked on some exercises for a little while longer, then stopped.
“Next I want you to think about moving your legs, your feet. Think about how it used to be second nature to move, and how you used to achieve that.”
Ash sat and concentrated. “Nope. Nothing. Is that bad?”
“It’s normal,” Marie said. “Like I said, it’s very rare to see improvement at the first session. I’m just trying to see what you can do.”
“Not a lot, apparently. Marie, tell me the truth - do you ever think I’ll walk again?”
“That’s hard to say. Every spinal cord injury is different. These things take time, patience and effort. I would hope to see some improvement, perhaps eventually walking with crutches or a cane, but you’ll never be riding a motorcycle again or entering a marathon.”
Ash focused again, then stopped and sighed. He remembered the floods for a moment, the raging waters sweeping away Michael’s car, the way he’d dived into the water and swam against the current with desperation. He channeled those desperate feelings, remembering the way he’d moved through the water, his arms moving, his legs kicking, his toes wiggling--
“My toes!” Ash laughed as he realized the sensation was real. Marie looked at him in amazement.
“Wow, Ash! How did you pull that off?”
“I thought about swimming,” Ash said. He did it again and his toes moved.
Marie hurriedly scribbled on his chart. “This is great!”
“I have to call Michael.” Ash pulled out his cellphone. He ignored the sign on the wall that prohibited their use and called Michael’s work number.
Michael looked up at the clock and let out a long breath. Ash should be at his session right about now. I should be there with him. He’s been so understanding about everything, from Taryn to this. I’d be screwed without--
The PA system sprang to life. “Michael Williams, you have a call in the lunchroom.” Michael left the line at once, pulling off his gloves and racing to the lunchroom where he picked up the phone.
“This is Michael Williams--” Michael half-expected to hear bad news. Ash could have had a fall, broken a bone... He was reminded of the night the hospital had called to tell him Ash had been in the motorcycle accident and a shiver ran down his spine.
“Michael, it’s me!” Ash said. Michael felt an instant sense of relief.
“Is everything okay?”
“Michael, I wiggled my toes!” Ash laughed down the phone. “I know, it’s so stupid.”
“It’s not stupid. Ash, that’s great!”
“I feel like a child trying to walk for the first time. All those exercises, all that effort, and all I could do was move my toes.”
“Ash, this is a great start.” Michael leaned back against the side of the vending machine and sighed with relief. “This is only your first session. There’s a long way to go.”
“I know,” Ash said. “I’m so tired. Who knew such simple things could be so hard?”
“I’m so proud of you.”
“No, I’m proud of you,” Ash said. “You’ve stuck by me all this time, even though you’ve given up so much. I can’t even begin to tell you how grateful I am.”
“Ash, I have to go. My boss is giving me a nasty look.”
“Okay, Michael. See you later.”
Michael walked back onto the factory floor, his boss’s eyes on him the whole way back to the line. Just try to bring me down. I’ll walk right out of here without a second thought. I should have been with Ash today, not here. No amount of money is worth this crap. If it wasn’t for Taryn, I would have left long ago. Perhaps sensing his strong emotions, his boss watched him for a while and walked away without a word.
Michael rushed out of the elevator and down the hallway. The nurse was just leaving and held the door open for him. He entered the apartment and smiled at Ash, who was sitting on the sofa watching a movie. Ash let it run as Michael walked over to him and kissed him deeply.
“So, let’s see your new trick.”
Ash wiggled his toes. “That’s about the extent of it. Not very impressive, I know.”
“I think it’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen,” Michael said. “I remember the night of the accident, seeing you in the hospital. The doctors didn’t even know if you would make it through the night. Seeing you here, now, wiggling your toes... It’s incredible. Don’t underestimate your achievements.”
“I’m just too stubborn to quit.” Ash’s voice broke, betraying his emotions. Michael took his hand and squeezed it tightly.
“Let’s go out to eat. I want to celebrate.”
“We can’t really afford that, can we?”
“Screw it. You deserve a treat. You worked hard today.” Michael said. “Anywhere you like, you just name it.”
“I only moved my toes. That doesn’t necessarily mean the rest will come. This could be the end of my improvement.”
“I know. Still, we haven’t had much to celebrate lately. Let’s enjoy these good moments, Ash. They don’t come along that often.”
“True enough,” Ash said. “Okay, then let’s go to that new Italian place on Main. If that’s okay with you? Hopefully they’ll have wheelchair access.”
“Sounds great. Let’s go.”
They sat at a table, enjoying their meals and a glass of champagne each. Ash sat in his wheelchair at the table, enjoying his meal. Michael looked over at him with a loving expression.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be there today,” Michael said. “I wish I could have seen that moment when you moved your toes for the first time.”
“Sorry you couldn’t capture it for the family album.”
“My new family album. You, me and hopefully Taryn, but who knows?”
“Hey, you can’t give up hope,” Ash said, grasping Michael’s hands across the table. Other diners were looking at them, but Ash ignored them and focused on Michael. “We’ll fight as hard as we can, and then we’ll fight some more. If I can move my stubborn toes that refused to budge when I woke up this morning, anything’s possible.”
Michael smiled. “I guess that’s true.” He picked up his glass, a little giddy from the alcohol, the fine food and Ash’s sweet smile. “I want to propose a toast. To hope.”
“I’ll drink to that,” Ash said, and they raised their glasses.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Crawl To Walk
Michael stood out in the hallway, waiting to be allowed into the courtroom for the custody hearing. His lawyer stood around chatting with other lawyers while Michael paced and bit his nails. I wish Ash was here. I need him now.
He sighed. Ash was at therapy, nearing the end of a six-month course of treatments, but he still wasn’t walking. I’ve accepted that he’ll never walk again, but he hasn’t, and watching him tearing himself apart over it is killing me.
They were finally allowed int the courtroom and Michael sat in the seat he was ushered to. His lawyer had left his folder on the table and Michael looked at the photos of Taryn that sat inside. Pictures of the good times we had together. It feels like another lifetime now. I haven’t seen Taryn in six months. He continued to chew on his nails as the room filled up. His mom gave him a supportive wave from the audience and he managed a wan smile.
The hearing was finally opened and Michelle showed up late, virtually unrecognizable to Michael. She looked skinny and pale, her formally cared for hair looking thin and grey. Has the divorce really taken this much of a toll on her? She didn’t look like this the last time I saw her. He looked around for Taryn but she was not in attendance. Maybe that’s a good thing. She doesn’t need to see this.
Michelle’s lawyer stood up, a tall and imposing figure. He outlined the facts in the case that were favorable to Michelle; that Michael had left Michelle and Taryn, that he had been tardy in filing for divorce, that he had cheated on his wife with another man. Michael bowed his head and listened. It’s all true. But it doesn’t mean I don’t love my daughter.
“I hear you have some adult evidence to show,” the judge said. “Could all minors and people opposed to adult material please clear the room.” A couple of minutes later, the videos showed. Michael bowed his head in embarrassment as his private moments played out. “There’s nothing I can do to stop them playing the videos,” his lawyer had said. “The judge has accepted them as admissible.”
The clips stopped playing. Michael was called to the stand and sworn in.
“Are you the man in the video?” Michelle’s lawyer asked.
“Yes,” Michael tried not to meet his parents’ eyes in the audience. This is shameful. I never wanted them to see that. It was private.
“Was this video taken while you were still living with your wife?”
“Yes,” Ash’s video played as Michael closed his eyes and waited for it to end.
“Is this your partner depicted in the video, Ashley Fallow?”
“Yes.”
“This is the partner you would be raising Taryn with on the weekends, if joint custody were granted?”
“Yeah,” Michael said. “Look, you can’t judge him on a video he made years ago. He loves Taryn as much as I do. He would never let her get her hands on these videos!”
“You only need to answer yes or no.” The judge scolded Michael while his lawyer looked on. You could do something, but you’re hopeless, Michael thought. This is a massacre. Even I wouldn’t grant custody to myself based on this evidence. I’m going to lose Taryn, because I couldn’t give up Ash.
“No further questions.” Michelle’s lawyer smiled as he returned to his seat.
Michael sat down next to his lawyer. “You’ve got to do something!”
“Don’t worry, we can run damage control,” his lawyer said. “We just need to get away from this subject as soon as possible. You’re not going to win any fans talking about the adult videos.”
Michael sat back in his seat as Michelle was questioned about their family life. He shook his head sadly as she told the court he hit her and was verbally abusive.
“I knew something was wrong,” she said. “I even arranged marriage counseling for us, but he claimed we were discharged after only three sessions. I later found out that he had admitted his affair to the counselor and the counselor had refused to grant him any more sessions unless he broke up with his lover.”
I can’t deny it, Michael thought. It’s all true. I was a bad husband. I was angry and in pain, wanting something I could never have and I took it all out on you. You deserve your divorce. But I want to see Taryn. I would never hurt her. He buried his face in his arms as the testimony continued.
Ash went through the ritual of routine exercises as Marie helped him. “Your mind is elsewhere. What’s going on?”
“Sorry,” Ash said. “Michael’s custody hearing is today. I should be there. It’s my fault he’s in this mess.” He shook his head.
“Michael has a child?”
“Yeah, Michael was married when I met him. He left his wife for me. She’s a vindictive bitch and won’t let Michael see his daughter. It’s going to be a messy trial.”
“Sorry,” Marie said. “This was the only session time open for this week. If I had known you had personal problems, though, we could have rescheduled.”
“Well, I’m here now. Let’s get it over and done with. We know how this ends. I try to walk, I fall, I get pissed off and go home.”
“Ash, you can’t approach therapy with that attitude.”
“Yeah, well, months of hard work and I’m still stuck in this chair,” Ash said. “It’s frustrating. I can feel my legs, but they won’t support my weight or move for me? It’s bullshit. Michael needs me to be there for him, not the other way around.”
“Then use that as motivation. Come on,” Marie lifted Ash out of his chair. “Lean on me. Now hold onto the bars.”
“I know, I know,” Ash held on, but his legs gave way and he fell, his arms still holding onto the bar. “It’s no good. I’m never going to walk again, am I? I’m gonna be stuck in this chair. I should have died in that accident.”
“Michael doesn’t think that.”
“He will when he loses his daughter. Hope’s been sustaining him all this time. What’s he going to do when he realizes he’s given up his daughter for a cripple like me?”
“Come on, stop it,” Marie said. “Michael loves you just the way you are. I could see it in his eyes at your session last week. He doesn’t care if you don’t walk again. He’s just glad you’re alive. Don’t pay him back with bitterness.”
“It’s all my fault,” Ash stayed down on the floor. “He’s going to lose his daughter because of something I did when I was young and stupid.”
“What did you do?”
“I was in a porn video. Years ago. Then we made another one together, just for us, you know? Well, his wife got his hands on both of them and is using them against him at the hearing.”
“On what grounds?”
“On the grounds that someone who is in that sort of stuff is a bad parent. People are prejudiced. They don’t understand that people can do things in private. They all watch those videos and have kids, but they’ll hang us for it, even though I would never let Taryn near anything like that. Michael’s never going to see her again. It’s gonna break his heart. I can’t stand it.” He bowed his head, his hair hanging into his lap.
“It’s not your fault,” Marie said. “Can’t he come to some agreement with the wife?”
“Tried that. She tried to blackmail him with the very situation we have now.”
“When was this?”
“About three months ago.”
“Maybe she’s changed her mind. You should go see her.”
“Me?”
“Yeah, you,”
Marie said. “Michael can’t do it, but maybe you can talk some sense into her.”
“I stole her husband! I don’t think she’s going to be very receptive.”
“Maybe not, but perhaps you can find something to blackmail her with. Ash, I’ll be frank. The court system isn’t going to help a gay couple who have a history of starring in adult videos get custody of a child. If you want to win this, you have to make her drop the case and come to an agreement. It’s the only way.”
“You think that I should?” Ash asked.
“I think you could try. At this point, it sounds like you have nothing to lose.” Marie wheeled over Ash’s wheelchair but he shook his head.
“No,” Ash said. “I’m gonna do this. All of this. I’m gonna walk. I’m gonna get Taryn back so Michael can smile again.” Marie helped him up and he leaned on the bars. He tried to put pressure on his legs and he fell hard, hitting his back on the wooden floor.
“Oh my God. Ash, are you okay?”
Ash rolled over. “It hurts a bit. Something’s tingling. It’s weird.”
“I’m gonna get my husband,” Marie said. “Wait here. Don’t move.” She stood up and raced out of the therapy hall, leaving Ash flat on his back.
Michael. I have to do this. I have to. I can’t be in this chair forever. You’ve done so much for me, but I need to give you something in return. More than just love or sex, or anything else we’ve done or felt. I need to walk, and I need to get Taryn back. Ash rolled onto his back and concentrated on his tingling legs. Move, dammit. Move. I’m not going to Michelle’s trailer in a wheelchair. I’m going to walk there on my own two legs and fight for Michael and Taryn. He closed his eyes and concentrated.
Ash moved his legs, slightly at first, like moving a rusty mechanism after years of disuse, but then they eased up and he was able to move them slightly. Laughing with surprise and joy, he sat up and reached for the bars, pulling himself up. He put weight on his legs and they shook but they held him as long as he kept a hold of the bar. The door opened and Dr. Summers rushed in with his wife.
Rainy Days Page 20