If that “in” produced no more than what they’d ended up with every other time she’d been on this quest, at every other daycare they’d visited, then nothing was lost.
For now, she believed, and she’d managed to convince others to give her the benefit of the doubt.
He wanted to call her out on not telling him everything regarding her quest. Because not knowing made it harder for him to help her. He couldn’t watch her back if he didn’t know what was behind her.
He wanted to talk about the list she had to compile. He had some ideas, some suggestions, for an approach that would be concise, and also for ways to bring back the memories she’d need to make the most complete list.
He did neither. He drove.
And when they reached their suite, when she gave her little half wave, alerting him to the fact that she was leaving him until morning, he almost let her go.
“Hey,” he called instead, standing in the middle of their shared living room. The night before they’d had wine together there. Sat together.
They’d seemed far closer than they did right now.
At her door she turned. “I’m sorry, Johnny,” she said, her face creased with concern. “I didn’t ask what time you want to head out in the morning. Let me know and I’ll be ready...”
He didn’t care about the damned time.
“You okay?”
“Of course. Just a bit overwhelmed...but it went well.”
Hands in the pockets of his jeans, he stood there, feeling like an idiot. Needing to go into that room with her. Into her life.
He wanted to take a shower with her. To hold her.
To kiss her until she forgot the pain of her son’s disappearance—even if only to give her a few minutes of relief.
“Can you be ready by seven thirty?” he asked.
“Of course,” she said again.
Her smile almost felt like an insult. Which was ludicrous. Angry with himself now, he nodded and turned away.
“Johnny?” He grew hard as she called his name. Did she need him, too? In spite of all the reasons they shouldn’t be lovers? Still facing his bedroom door, he glanced back at her.
“Thank you,” she said, and when her voice faltered, she quickly went inside her room, shutting the door.
Her voice wavering—that was what he’d been needing. A reminder of the real Tabitha. The one who lived inside her, so completely alone.
And that was when he knew how seriously he was in trouble.
He didn’t just want to be in Tabitha’s pants, he wanted to share her hell.
* * *
Tabitha’s mind raced as she sat beside Johnny in his SUV on the way home Thursday morning. Since they’d made arrangements to run the food truck in San Diego for the next month and had rented the prep kitchen with approved parking, there was no reason to drive the truck back and forth. No need to tow the car.
There was so much on her mind. First and foremost, hearing back from Detective Bentley, whom she’d called first thing, to tell him about Matt Jamison. Then there was the list she had to make for Mallory and Braden Harris. Johnny had already warned her that if Mark had bought his new identity from a good source, he’d pass the background check.
The key to getting her son back was DNA, the only definitive proof, and to get that they had to have compelling evidence. She kept thinking that the break they needed could very well lie within her own mind. All it would take was for her to remember something pertinent, something that would convince a judge that Mark and Matt were probably the same man...
And, she reminded herself, she was going to be spending the next four nights alone.
Funny, when she’d left home Saturday night, going back hadn’t been an issue for her. Other than the wonderful, far too short year she’d had with Jackson, she’d been living alone for years.
And traveling with Johnny for months. Spending nights on the road sharing a suite with him. So why, suddenly, was she upset because he wouldn’t be in the room beside hers that night? Why did the next few nights loom so heavily before her?
Was she becoming some kind of weakling? Thinking she needed someone to take care of her?
It wasn’t like he was going to be heading across town someplace unknown to her, to his real life. He’d be where he’d been since she met him, in his house right next door. Not much farther away than his room on the other side of any number of hotel suites they’d shared.
He’d been quiet all morning. Almost to the point of weirdness. Did he know how much she’d been relying on him—emotionally—over the past week? Had he sensed a change in her?
She didn’t blame him for pulling back. In another three months he’d be resuming a life she knew nothing about and had no role in. He couldn’t have her getting clingy. She suspected that if Johnny sensed her growing attachment to him, he’d distance himself for her sake. He wasn’t a guy who’d lead her on or start something if he felt she’d be hurt in the end.
Hopefully, very soon, she was going to be consumed with raising her son—becoming reacquainted with him, helping him through any emotional issues caused by the sudden life change that would be descending upon him. Being patient while he got to know her again...
Her stomach lurched at that last thought. Then she was back to worrying about having screwed things up with Johnny.
Their relationship couldn’t get messy. She understood that. Wished there was some way she could let him know they were okay without making it uncomfortable between them.
She had no idea what he and Braden had talked about as they left the restaurant the night before. No idea how Johnny thought the meeting had gone. What he thought of the Harrises. Or her chances of getting Jackson back. And because of the sudden distance between them, one she feared she’d created, she didn’t ask him any of those questions. How he felt, personally, wasn’t going to change anything. If he’d had legal concerns, he’d have told her. She had to stay focused.
Half an hour from home she could hardly stand the tension anymore.
“Are you okay?” The question was a watered-down version of what she really wanted to know. Were they okay? And it was the same question he’d asked her not long ago.
“Of course.” Same answer she’d given him... He didn’t take his eyes off the road long enough to glance at her.
She told herself to let it go. Things had been a lot more intense this trip. He probably just needed a break from her part of the life-quest partnership. Needed some time away from her.
But she had to ask, “Are you angry about something? Angry with me?”
It mattered to her. Whether it should or not. If she’d screwed things up, she had to try to fix them. He was worth it. Their partnership was worth it.
At least to her.
“No.”
Let it go. They were twenty-five minutes from home. And then she’d be working three twelves in a row.
“You seem different,” she said.
With a shrug, he shook his head. “Still me.”
“Johnny...”
Finally, he glanced her way.
“Tell me what’s going on. I can’t lose you.” No! Those weren’t the words she’d meant to say. She held her breath, needing to take them back and afraid that if she tried, she’d only make everything worse.
“Of course you can. We both knew this was just for a year. I’ve got my life to go back to. You’ve got yours...”
He was only reiterating what she’d been telling herself all morning.
“I can’t lose you yet,” she qualified, fearing, even as she said the words, that they were a lie. She couldn’t lose him ever.
But ever wasn’t here. Now was. She had to deal with now.
Who knew how she’d feel when Jackson was back in her life? When Johnny donned his suits and ties and became corporate lawyer man again, living in a differ
ent world, his world. One she knew she wouldn’t be happy in. Wouldn’t fit in.
“You don’t seem to need me all that much,” he muttered.
What? She stared at him. Had he sounded a bit...petulant? Johnny? She must have misunderstood.
“Could you clarify that statement?” Now she was the one sounding all distant and businesslike, but she was truly perplexed.
“I’m just saying...this partnership, working together to reach our individual goals—the idea was that it was supposed to be fifty–fifty.”
“And you think I’m not keeping up my end of the bargain?” As she thought back over the weekend, a wave of heat followed by cold washed over her. “Johnny, I know I messed up an order, dropped food in the truck and probably wasn’t as fast as I usually am, but I swear to you, I’m committed to seeing the Angel’s Food Bowls truck make the money you’ve set as your goal. Her truck will be a proven success and a huge boon to local charities. I promise you...”
He was shaking his head again and she stopped. With everything they’d done, the business they’d already built, he could continue alone, hire someone to take orders at the window, and he’d still reach his goal before his year was up. Was he ready to end their partnership now? Trying to tell her they were through?
In truth, he hadn’t signed on to be volunteer legal counsel to her and a divorced couple they’d only just met. And then there was the investigator. She had to pay his bill immediately—so Johnny would know she wasn’t going to take more than she gave...
“I involved you in every aspect of my project, even down to wardrobe,” he said.
“I realize that, Johnny. And I’m happy to do my part. Whatever you need, just say it.”
He was still shaking his head.
“What?”
“Forget it.”
“No.” She was going to get angry in a minute. If their partnership was at risk, they couldn’t simply walk away. “Tell me what’s on your mind.”
He’d stopped at a red light and turned to face her. “You sure you want to know?”
More was going on than her not doing her part. It felt as if they were getting ready to cross a boundary that, once crossed, would disappear forever. It felt like he was giving her the chance to back down. Bow out. Now. Before irrevocable changes happened between them.
But the change had already happened. Looking him in the eye, she saw that.
“Yes,” she told him. “I want to know.”
“Okay, just remember you asked for it.”
She nodded. The light turned green and he pulled ahead. She watched the road, too, every muscle in her body tightened with fear for them, bracing herself.
“I’m pissed off,” he said mildly—and yet in true Johnny style. She understood. He was angry. He just wasn’t holding her accountable for it. Because their partnership didn’t have a place for them to be angry at each other. Their partnership required that they walk away from the heavy stuff.
She almost chuckled hysterically as she had that thought. They were paying homage to his dead wife, helping him grieve in the only way he knew how. They were searching for her abducted son and doing whatever it took to bring him safely home. Did it get any heavier than that?
And yet, the heaviness they both carried was the reason their partnership had to have its step-away point. The emotional boundaries they’d put on their friendship gave them the space to help each other. The boundaries were what made the partnership work.
Now was the time for her to be quiet. They were almost home. They’d have three full days apart if they wanted and needed them. She strongly considered the option.
Part of her needed that option. The week had drained her. She had to get back to work, to find her strength.
“Tell me why you’re pissed off.” Another part of her needed him. What scared her was that the needy part seemed to be the driving force within her where he was concerned.
“I’ve involved you fully in my project, and yet you hold out on me. Last night, sitting at that table, I felt like a fool. I’m there as your partner in all of this, thinking you need my expertise, offering it to a couple of total strangers on your behalf, and then I listen as you give them more facts about the case we’re handling than you’ve ever given me.”
Thinking back over the night before, she knew when it had gone wrong for her and Johnny. It was when she’d talked about sleeping with Mark.
“I didn’t realize until last night that the details of Jackson’s conception could be pertinent. You knew what mattered, Johnny.”
“I’m not talking about that, although from here on in, understand that it’s important I know everything about the man. If Mark is Matt, I have to know everything you know...”
She nodded. Then, because he was driving and couldn’t see her response, she said, “Okay.”
But that hadn’t really been what he was talking about, was it?
“So, why were you angry?”
“You pulled a sheet of paper out of your purse, something you’ve been carrying around for months, based on how folded and wrinkled it was. The information on that paper could help us identify Jackson when we find him, and you never even told me you had it.”
The sheet, on which she’d copied down Jackson’s words and sounds from his baby book. Johnny was right. She just hadn’t thought...
“And that characteristic you said Mark had, of biting his lower lip...again, an identifier that could be pertinent.”
Oh. She could see the validity of his concern. “From here on out, I tell you everything,” she said. But in her own defense...
“You didn’t involve me in every aspect of your quest, Johnny.”
“Of course I did,” he said immediately, still sounding peeved.
“No, you didn’t.” Because they’d each had areas they’d handled themselves.
“Like what?”
“The permits. Licenses. Testing. The first couple of months, other than when I helped with clothes and things, you did practically everything on your own.”
“I told you about the tests you had to take.” He sounded almost petulant again and she kind of felt like smiling.
“Johnny...”
They’d pulled into her driveway. He turned off the engine, even though he’d be starting it again to park next door in his own garage. Usually he kept it running. Usually she opened her door as soon as he stopped in her drive.
“You’re right,” he said, facing her. “I’m sorry. But what we’re getting into now, involving others, accusing someone who could turn out to be an innocent man of kidnapping... Like I said, I have to know everything if I’m going to hold up my end of our deal.”
Oh, God. He was in as deeply as she was. She heard it in his voice. Saw it in his eyes. They really were partners. For now, anyway.
She nodded. And knew that one of them had to rescue them from the moment before things got too complicated. His being so upset with her was enough of a threat to their partnership for one day. For a lifetime. “So...did we just have our first fight?” she asked, smiling at him.
He smiled back. “I guess we did.”
And they’d made it through. Her relief was potent. She felt like an idiot, sitting there grinning. She opened the door. Johnny got out, too, as he always did, to get her bag from the back. He set it down and pulled up the roller handle.
“I mean it, Tabitha. That list you’re making... I think we should do it together. Not only do I need to know everything that’s on it, but I can ask questions, help you clear your mind, so we get as much as possible down on paper. The more we have, the better our chances.”
We. The more we have.
The man was so dear to her, and an enigma, too. If she wasn’t careful she was going to become addicted to him.
“To tell you the truth, I’d rather do it together,” she told him.
; “Good. Then, my suggestion is that each night, when you get home from work, I’ll have dinner ready and we can work until you need to go to bed. That way you’ll feel more relaxed about remembering everything you can and actually be able to get some rest, too.”
Tears sprang to her eyes. She felt so...cared for. Beyond the casual friendships, which were all she’d had for so many years.
Still...
“I’m sure you have better things to do than cook dinner for me.” Although his grilled steak was the best she’d ever eaten.
He was getting back into his car, but stopped to give her a pure Johnny grin. “In the first place, I didn’t say I’d be cooking dinner, only providing it, and in the second, I’m a little bored over there now that the food truck’s running so smoothly. I’m spending half the time I used to on advertising. I’ve got the ordering and picking up supplies down to less than a day. And now that we’re staying in one place, I won’t have to search out venues and worry about permits for the next few weeks, either...”
“So...you want to start tonight?” she asked him. She didn’t have to be at work until seven in the morning, but had laundry to do. Grocery shopping. And her house hadn’t been dusted or the bathrooms cleaned in a couple of weeks.
“Why don’t we have dinner at my place tonight and then yours on the nights you work?” he suggested.
He didn’t seem to be in any more of a hurry to leave than she was to have him go. But they both had things to do.
Agreeing to be at his place at six, Tabitha waved at him and listened as he started his SUV and pulled out of the drive. She was inside her house by the time he’d parked next door, but she could still feel him with her. Inside her heart.
And she knew that when this was all over, when she had Jackson consuming her days and he had his life consuming his, she was still going to care about him.
She was going to miss him like crazy, but she’d have Jackson.
Life with her son was all she’d wanted for a long time now.
Chapter Ten
They had dinner that night at his place and worked on the lists as planned. He grilled steaks, threw some potatoes in the oven and made a salad. Learning to cook had been something his mother had insisted on when Johnny was in junior high. She hadn’t put her foot down often in the Brubaker household, but when she did, she got her way. Every time.
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