“Want to watch a movie in my bed to fall asleep?” I asked as we took the plates to the sink.
“Want to watch you.” Todd replied the way I’d hoped he would, and we made fast work of the kitchen, because he insisted, before we raced to the bed, leaving a trail of kisses and clothes in our wake.
Like we’d been doing it a dozen years, we snuggled together naked under the covers, kissing and touching with unhurried ease. He smelled like my shampoo and soap, something I found strangely sexy, and he tasted like the peppermint mints he’d taken to carrying.
I rolled him so that I could kiss the back of his neck and the tops of his freckled shoulders. My hand snaked around to stroke his cock.
“What do you want?” I whispered. “Anything.”
He gave a soft chuckle. “This is pretty nice right here. Love being surrounded by you.”
“Okay if I make my hand slick?” I reached in the bedside table for my lube.
“Yeah…we can…if you want…” He bumped his hips backwards, but his nervous rambles told me that he wasn’t really ready for that.
“We’ll get there.” I kissed his shoulders again. “Right now, I just want to go on your back while I jerk you off. That sound good?”
“Oh yeah.”
Using the lube, I slicked both of us up, then nestled in close behind him, dick riding the top of his crack
“Fuck, that feels good,” he moaned. “Kiss my neck more.”
“Yeah, that’s it. Tell me what you need.” I was never getting tired of how much he loved being kissed and touched and held. Like with dancing, it felt like something slid into place, a balance I hadn’t known I needed. I needed someone like him to hold and take care of like this.
I loved the feel of him in my hand, hot and heavy, and loved the needy sounds he made as I thrust against his back. I listened to his little pleas and groans, learning how he liked my grip—tight around the shaft, looser over his cockhead, and with plenty of speed.
“Close. God, Kendall. I’m close. Please.”
“Yeah, that’s it. Come for me.” I sped up my hips against his back, holding him tight, lips against the base of his neck.
“Hold me. God, hold me.” He shuddered, voice breaking as he came. I stroked him through it, and a few thrusts more and I joined him, gasping his name, orgasm washing over me in gentler waves than earlier. I kissed his back and shoulders over and over as I drifted back down from the haze.
We were in desperate need of a towel, but I was loath to let him go.
“Man, that was…intense.” Todd snuggled against me, not his usual leap away to shower. “Felt so close to you.”
“Me too.” I moved so I could give his mouth an awkward kiss. “Me too.”
And hell if I knew what do with that feeling of closeness, this need that had opened up inside me for this man, for this connection we had.
* * * *
I dropped Todd off early, not intending to see him again until he dropped off the cake for the Saturday wedding of my clients, David and Robby, but we ended up with an emergency that sent David and me to the bakery in the early afternoon.
Todd was loading croissants into the front case when we came in.
“Kendall!” His eyes went wide and his mouth quirked, as if he weren’t quite sure what to do next, and I shared his indecision. I wasn’t really sure how to greet him at his place of work. With a close friend like Freya, I’d expect a hug. With a boyfriend, I’d assume there would be some sort of affection, but the sudden awkward energy between us underscored the strange limbo we were in. After last night, I was no longer so sure that I wanted—or could do—casual, but opening myself up to admitting that had had me fretting about traffic that morning when I dropped him off, not talking about my feelings. All of a sudden, I needed Todd, and that terrified me, and I was certain that terror showed in my eyes.
“Is Vic in?” I saved us both more uncomfortable staring. “I left him messages, but we were in the area and thought we’d stop by. We’re in a bit of a quandary.”
“Vic ran out for a salad for his lunch. But the cake is looking amazing. Coming along right fine.”
“That’s a relief.” David shifted around next to me, all restless energy. “But that’s not what has us concerned. I just learned that my sister and her kids have given up all gluten, and I’m worried they won’t have anything for dessert when we cut the cake. I was hoping Vic might have an idea. I don’t want the kids to feel left out.”
“Hmm.” Todd nodded, considering. “We’ve done a gluten-free cake before, but that’s special order. Not sure if he can do one on short notice, because we’ve got a couple of weddings this weekend, and I’m not sure what’s on hand.”
“Oh well, maybe we can get something at New Seasons—”
“Wait.” Todd’s eyes narrowed. “They still eat some sugar? Like frosting? ’Cause I’ve got an idea.”
“They’re kids. I’m pretty sure they’ll eat frosting,” David said.
Todd grabbed a plate and a paleo muffin from the case. “What if we turned these into decorated mini-cakes to match the big cake?” Slicing the top off the muffin, he turned it upside down on the plate. “See? I can see if Vic has got time to decorate it up in your colors.”
“That’s brilliant,” I said to Todd.
“And I think you should help. You can crumb-coat the mini-cakes for me.” Vic emerged from the back, big smile on his face as he addressed Todd. “I’ve got some more paleo mix, and we can do it a bit sweeter than the muffins, without the berries and nuts.”
“I knew you’d come through,” I said.
“We aim to please.” Vic laughed. “Want a peek at the main cake? I’m really pleased with how it’s coming.”
“Sure,” David said, and we followed Vic and Todd back. I noticed Todd was limping slightly.
I tugged on his sleeve, stopping him. “What happened to you?”
He shrugged and made a face. “Took a tumble off the loading dock. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine for dancin’ next week.”
That wasn’t why I asked, and I opened my mouth to explain that, but Vic was motioning us forward and David was happily exclaiming over the cake, and the moment passed. Todd moved away from me, going to the far side of the cake. Hell. If he was having a crappy day, I wanted to hear about it, give him a hug, but if he wanted distance, I didn’t have any right to push. And if he wanted us on the down low, could I really blame him, when I hadn’t given him any reason to think we were more than friendly fuck buddies?
I needed to focus on David and Robby’s wedding, but even as I went through all the other last-minute tasks, my thoughts still lingered with Todd and the way he’d moved away from me. Maybe it was for the best that I hadn’t spoken up. My history had taught me that needing someone the way I needed Todd only led to disaster. Maybe it was time to pull back before one of us got hurt.
Chapter 10
Todd
Soon as I’d slid off the loading dock, turning my ankle, my first thought had been how disappointed Kendall would be if I couldn’t dance. Would he even want to hang out if I couldn’t dance at the benefit? What other value did I have for a guy like Kendall?
Such thoughts got me in a grumpy mood that carried me through work all Friday. Vic had one of the other assistants do the batter for the paleo cupcakes for Kendall’s client, but true to his word, Vic made me help.
“You’re precise. You’d be good at running the mixer in a pinch,” he said as he set me to watching the batter. “And crumb-coating is something we always need a hand with.”
I wanted to be helpful, I really did, but I also couldn’t help feeling like Vic was setting me up for a test I couldn’t possibly pass. Disappointing him would be almost as bad as disappointing Kendall. I stewed even as Vic worked his magic on the mini–paleo cakes, and my quietness continued through my Friday night meeting.
“You okay?” Robin, Vic’s husband, asked as we put the chairs away after the meeting. Even though he was my sponsor, I couldn’t tell him about my fear of failing at the bakery. He’d stood up for me to get the delivery job. Didn’t need to shake his faith in me too.
“Yeah. I’m fine. Messed up my ankle earlier, and it’s got me crabby.”
“I know a great sports medicine clinic. Want me to get you their info so you can get it looked at?”
“Nah. Just turned it, is all.”
“Are you going to stay for the food at the reception tomorrow? Vic told you that Robby said you were welcome to hang around after you deliver the cake, right?”
“Right.” I didn’t say that I probably wouldn’t.
“I’m sure Kendall would be happy to see you.” Robin was clearly on a fishing expedition but I wasn’t taking the bait.
“We’ll see,” I said. Kendall needed to focus on his work. He didn’t need the distraction of me, not when I wasn’t sure I could give him the one thing he needed me for.
* * * *
When I went to deliver the cake on Saturday, I was still in a bad mood. Bum ankle was stiffer and more painful than I’d hoped, and Kendall hadn’t texted me goodnight like he usually did. I knew he was busy, but I still felt off even as I loaded up the cake.
The band was warming up when I got to the rooftop lounge and conference center in Northwest Portland that David and Robby had picked for their reception, but I wasn’t about to make the same mistake as last time and give in to the rhythm, even if my ankle had been doing better. The view of the Northwest skyline through the large bank of windows created a nice balance for the cream-and-light-green decorations. Along one wall was an elaborate coffee and drink station—a nod toward Robby’s job running a coffee cart in downtown Portland.
The cake table was flanked with fresh plants and an artfully rumpled cloth. Wheeling the cake over, I looked around for Kendall, but I didn’t see him. One of the catering staff came over to give me a hand sliding the cake over.
I was about to give up and leave the box of breakfast goodies with one of the catering people when Kendall showed up, grooms in tow.
“Look at our cake!” Robby, the shorter of the two men, the one who hadn’t been at the bakery, rushed over to the cake table. “And look, David, the baby cakes for your sister’s family are adorable.”
“They turned out great.” David offered me his hand, so I shook it. “Good work.”
“It was all Vic, but they sure look pretty.” I grabbed the box from the bottom of the cart. “And this is from Vic too, for your breakfast tomorrow.”
“Thanks so much,” Robby enthused. “Now are you going to slip off that coat? Have a coffee and some food? The other guests should be arriving any moment.”
“I can’t believe that the ceremony went off without a hitch.” Relief tinged David’s voice. And the way he looked at his new husband…man, everyone should get that look at least once in their lifetime.
“Of course it did,” Kendall said. “And you should stay, Todd. There’s plenty of food in the buffet, and you can mingle with Vic and Robin.”
Something about how he said my name set me on edge. It was as if he’d set up a fence blocking off our friendship from the outside world, and I didn’t like that any.
“Nah.” I shrugged. “Gotta get the truck back and all. You guys have a great evening though. Congrats.”
Seeing how they beamed at each other was its own kind of torture. I wasn’t ever getting that kind of connection in my life, and for the first time I really felt that loss, wanted to share that bond with someone. Wanted it with Kendall if I was being honest, and that made my gut clench around the emptiness inside me.
* * * *
I saw Kendall a couple of times over the next few days, but that distance between us seemed to be getting worse, not better. He finished messing with my new dress clothes for the benefit, which had me all antsy about the event next week. Old worries kept dogging me: Maybe Kendall had gotten freaked out about HIV, or maybe he was having second thoughts about being with someone with my sort of baggage. A braver person than me would have talked to him, but I couldn’t find the words, even for a text. Didn’t want to look that needy.
Thursday was the next dancing lesson, and thank goodness my ankle felt strong enough to go. I arrived before Kendall, wearing a pair of pants that he’d hemmed for me. Gave me a strange sort of thrill, him taking care of me, and I just wished I could enjoy it more.
I chatted a bit with Micky and Danny, who had decided to hire Kendall for their wedding. I surprised myself talking cakes with them, how passionate I got about fondant versus buttercream. I described, in all sorts of detail, the white-on-white wedding cake from David and Robby’s wedding. I guess Vic and the bakery were changing me more than I thought.
Chuck came in without Ted and headed straight to where we were talking.
“Todd, can I ask you a favor?” he said.
“Sure,” I said warily.
“Ted has a cold and stayed home tonight. Could I use you to demonstrate? We’re doing the Texas Tommy. Your whip looked so good last week that I think you’ll pick it up fast.”
“Yeah, I can do that,” I said, but inside I groaned. Funny how things had changed for me. When I was younger, I loved showing off for the teacher, being her special assistant, knowing I was good at stuff. But, dancing was different with Kendall. With him, it was pure fun, following him, dancing together.
I wasn’t sure I was ready for dancing to be work again.
“Kendall can dance with Danny while you demo. I don’t mind watching.” Micky, the shorter of the two, adjusted his gold vest before grabbing one of the chairs off to the side.
Kendall came in just then, and looked a bit put out by this plan, which made me strangely happy. Good. I preferred dancing with him too.
Chuck led me through the Texas Tommy several times to show the hand change and spin. He was more forceful than Kendall, and I kept over-rotating, which made it hard to demonstrate the rock step that came next. I was concentrating so hard on my moves that I almost missed Kendall laughing at something Danny said. Danny was wearing a long black dress, and the two of them made a pretty picture, dancing together. Kendall looked like he’d come from one of his client meetings—cream-colored suit, no tie but subtle lace on the shirt. Real nice.
Danny easily followed Kendall, and I should have been all proud of him for picking it up so easy, but instead I was pissier than a gator in winter, watching someone else earn his smiles and laughs. Which was crazy, I knew.
“Okay, why don’t you give this a shot with Micky?” Chuck suggested as he released me so that he could go around the room and give pointers.
What I really wanted was Kendall back, but I nodded and walked over to Micky. “You mind if I lead?” I asked as I held out a hand to help Micky up.
“Oh, I usually do,” Micky said and easily assumed the leader’s position. Hell, I might be willing to follow Kendall anywhere, but I didn’t like being passed around like this. Micky had an aggressive style, one I hoped Danny appreciated because I sure as hell didn’t.
I caught Kendall’s eye on a turn. Save me.
“Having fun?” he asked.
No. “Oh sure. You?”
“Danny and I have matching shoes.” Kendall laughed like this was the best news all week. Of course, he had no clue the knots I’d been in all week. Talk to him, I lectured myself. Tell him how twisted up you are.
Finally, Chuck called for a lead swap and we changed back. “I’m leading,” I said, all testy-like.
“Okay,” Kendall said, brow wrinkling.
I was too firm, too commanding as I led Kendall around, pulling and pushing him more than I needed to.
“Ow,” Kendall said and pulled his wrist free. My gut churned. I hadn’t meant to hurt my partner.
“Sorry,” I said and grabbed his hand to rub it, but Kendall didn’t give it over, instead shooting me a wounded look that speared me right in the soft bits.
Chuck needed me to demonstrate the closed and open variations of the Texas Tommy, showing how to come back out of it with a reverse whip, bringing in what we’d learned last week. The whole time I just ached to make things right with Kendall, and I practically raced over to him after Chuck released me.
“You can lead,” I said, voice full of as much apology as I could stuff into three words.
“Okay.” Kendall released Danny, then took the lead with me, gracefully leading me into and back out of the turn. “What’s gotten into you? You haven’t been yourself all week.”
“Not sure,” I said truthfully. “Just feel off.”
“I know what you need.”
You. I just need you. I nodded.
“Pho. A nice big bowl of soup will help you reset. It always does me, and there’s a place in Northeast, not far from your grandmother’s.”
Ah. I guessed we weren’t having any sleepovers tonight. And I wasn’t any too sure that noodle soup would fix me up. I’d had it before, and I liked the meat and broth okay, but I wasn’t as gaga for it as it seemed half the city was. Still though, I needed to make things up with Kendall. “That sounds fine.”
I tried to follow him extra close the rest of class, declining the lead swaps, and hovering over him with a water bottle at the break. But he was more into talking wedding plans with Danny and Micky, which was understandable as that was business.
Still, by the time we were in the car heading to dinner, I was more rattled than I’d been in months. Damn, I needed tomorrow’s meeting. That would be more of a reset than the soup. I hated being this kind of unsettled with Kendall.
Speak up. Tell him how you feel. I knew that was what I needed to do, but I couldn’t seem to make my tongue work. What I did know was that we couldn’t continue like this—me this rattled was a slippery slope for my sobriety, and no meeting could fix the way Kendall had me turned around. This was exactly why I hadn’t wanted the risk of a relationship.
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