“I’m so sorry, baby, I’m so fucking sorry. When I heard you’d been seeing someone else, I felt like I was going crazy. I just—I couldn’t handle it. I’m a fucking nightmare, I’m so sorry.”
The stupidity of this situation hit her at full force. “Oh my God, James, what have we been doing all these weeks?”
He clasped both of her hands, his hazel eyes shining with misery. “Charlotte, I know you think I’m a dog, but I just couldn’t keep going like this, pretending I don’t feel this way about you. I know I’m an asshole, but I swear I want to be with you, I love—”
Charlie clapped her hands over her ears. “Don’t. Don’t say that.”
James looked utterly miserable. “I’m sorry, I know I’ve been such a piece of shit but you felt something for me once and I swear I’ve never felt anything like what I feel for you. You’ve changed everything, when I’m with you I feel…alive.”
Fresh tears rolled down Charlie’s cheeks. “I’m not a big believer in the ‘good girl reforms bad boy,’ James. You told me you weren’t ready for a girlfriend.”
James pressed his knuckles against his eye sockets. “I lied, Charlotte. I was a fucking coward and I was scared. I want what we had again. I want to fuck you and protect you and make you laugh.”
“What if I think you’re not ready for a girlfriend?”
James’ face fell. “If this is about the drinking and fucking around, I swear to you I’ll stop.” He pressed a hand to his chest, right next to his tattoo. It was his family crest, she’d learned. The Hunter family crest. “Charlotte. I’ll do anything.”
She closed her eyes. “Drinking and fucking around isn’t the problem, James.”
“What are you talking about?”
“There’s a million reasons you’re not ready for a relationship. You’re apathetic about pretty much everything, you push me away, you’re terrified of intimacy. Deciding that you love me doesn’t change any of that.” She wiped her face on her arm, leaving a shimmering silver trail. “I think something happened to you, something that made you believe you’re not worth shit and I hate that you feel like that, but I can’t fix you, James.”
James’ face was blank. “Charlotte, I can’t—you don’t understand…”
She put her fingertips to his mouth. Even kneeling down James’ head reached her torso. He was so much bigger than her, richer and better-looking. How was she the one who was standing over him? “I know you’re hiding something. And you don’t hide it half as well as you think you do.”
James turned his back on her, his hands clenched at his sides. “I can’t talk about that, Charlotte.”
Her stomach dropped. It hurt just to hear him confirm her suspicions. “Please, James, can’t you just tell me what happened and we can sort it out? It’s always easier with everything out in the open—”
James stood, towering over her and ending the illusion that she had any sort of control over him. He looked as though he had half a mind to leave his own apartment than answer her question.
“James…”
He stalked back toward her, his chest and abdomen rigid. “Whatever happened to me, it’s in the past. Nothing that happened then really matters. It doesn’t change how I feel about you. I’m in love with you. There I said it, love. All you have to do is tell me that you love me back.” His hand brushed over her cheek. “Please just tell me you love me back.”
Charlie hugged both arms across her chest, wondering if she’d ever felt so alone, so helpless. James stared at her. “Baby…please say something.”
“I can’t love someone who makes me a distraction from his own unhappiness.”
James stepped back, the light from his bedroom lamp gleaming on his golden skin. “What? How do I make you a distraction?”
“Tonight, you could have called me and asked if I was seeing someone else. I would have told you in a heartbeat. Instead, you tied me to your bed and played some fucked-up sex game that hurt both of us.” Charlie drew in a deep shaky breath. “You push me away and ignore my feelings and if you’re like that now, what will it be like when we’re partners? How would I ever feel close to you?”
Deathly silence filled the apartment and it seemed to Charlie that her words hung in the air like fog, poisoning whatever once blossomed between them. She watched as all color fled James’ face. He wandered over to the bed and sat down. He looked at the floor. Charlie went to him, reaching forward to embrace him, but he gently moved her hands away.
“Not now, Charlotte.”
“When?”
James didn’t answer, which was the answer. Charlie dressed, tears running down her face in a slow trail, collected her bag and walked toward his front door. It clicked shut behind her, irrevocably separating her from the lovely, lonely man inside. Hot tears splashed down her face, falling onto her chest like summer rain.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered to the varnished wood. “I really hope you’ll be okay.”
Chapter 21
No one told him getting dumped was like having a socket wrench embedded in your chest then ripped out again.
Yeah, well, no one told you a fairy princess yoga teacher could be a masochist, so let’s not act like we had a plan here, asshole.
He was drunk. Again. After Charlotte left, his anger turned into boiling emptiness, and that emptiness lent itself to a bottle. He wasn’t exactly sure how long he’d been sitting in his leather recliner listening to every album he had, but the sky outside went light then dark again.
I was fine before that woman came along and started asking a lot of questions I didn’t want to answer.
Well, problem solved, because Charlotte wasn’t coming back. Even if she was coming back it wouldn’t be to confess her love to a directionless, abuse-repressing alcoholic. She’d probably just be making sure he hadn’t died.
Fine.
James didn’t have the best track record when it came to commitment, or much of anything, but somewhere in the back of his mind he’d known a woman would take him down eventually. He just thought it’d be a feisty, debutante type who got wet for diamonds.
It could still happen.
His next woman would have blonde hair and blue—no, brown eyes. She’d be six feet tall with long-ass legs, and when he told her he loved her she’d cry tears of happiness. They’d have a house with a big backyard and kids he could teach to drive. The American Dream or some shit. Charlotte would be fine. She’d marry the CEO of Greenpeace and the guy would take her last name. He laughed and his head swelled with liquor.
God, I’m fucked-up.
James wished Charlotte was here to ease him through this. She could curl into his chest and tell him stories and he’d finally be able to fucking relax. Then later, if she wanted him to morph into a big bad asshole and fuck her against a wall, he could. He could learn to be the two men she wanted instead of just a lost, thoughtless prick. Voices he’d been ignoring for far too long rattled through his mind.
Why are you like this? Why’d you try to scare her off? Because of that shit that happened when you were fourteen, the shit she knew about already?
This isn’t about what happened with Meghan. This is about me and Charlotte being as compatible as chalk and rocket fuel.
I couldn’t help falling for her, she was so goddamn perfect. Anyone like me would have gotten pulled in by someone like her.
Charlotte’s tear-streaked face swum in his mind.
How would I ever feel close to you?
He wanted to tell her she’d been closer to him than anyone before her, but it wasn’t enough. He couldn’t give her what she wanted.
James must have dozed off at some point because when he snapped to attention it felt like someone had dropped a bowling ball on his head. He checked his phone and saw it was Wednesday morning. He’d been sitting in his house completely wasted for two days.
He had forty missed calls and fifty texts from work, friends, his brothers, his mom, girls looking to fuck, everyone in the whole wide world ex
cept Charlotte.
Jesus Christ.
He lay in his chair for a moment, planning his next move. He’d waded into self-pity thinking he could swim to shore when he was ready. One thing was clear, he’d drown out here by himself.
So what now, asshole?
James downed a couple of aspirin, ordered a pizza, and dragged his ass to the shower. The hot water made him feel clammy and he threw up. His food arrived and he gave the freaked-out-looking kid a fifty. He could only choke down a couple slices before retching once more. He staggered to his bedroom and let the hangover wash over him in throbbing waves.
It was near dusk by the time he knew he was sober enough to drive. He jumped into his truck, the big shiny thing Charlotte thought was ridiculous, and headed for his sister’s house. Kelsey’s wife Debbie greeted him at the door. To her credit, Debbie didn’t ask why the fuck he’d showed up hungover on a Wednesday night. She pointed him down to the back paddocks where Kelsey was helping her kids brush down their ponies.
As soon as they saw his hungover ass Angus and Isobel came bolting toward him.
“Uncle Jamie!”
James knelt down, tucked a kid under each arm and spun them around. For the first time since Charlotte left he felt almost normal.
The kids were laughing and squealing, but Kelsey just stood there, currycomb hanging loosely by her side. She already knew he’d fucked up somehow, she’d always been good at that. Kelsey told the kids to get off Uncle Jamie and get ready for bed. Once they were gone, she pulled him into a short tight hug. People could always tell he and Kelsey were related. They had the same big shoulders, hazel eyes, and they were within an inch of each other in height. When they were younger he used to pretend she was his twin sister. They sat on the front porch and Kelsey offered him a beer, which he refused. His eyeballs were dry and he could hardly smell alcohol without heaving.
Once she’d taken a few short sips, his sister turned to him, a gruff expression on her face. “What can I do for you, Jamie?”
Suddenly James wished he’d accepted the beer just to have something to do with his hands. He cleared his throat a couple of times and found Kelsey was still staring at him.
“Jim?”
“We were close once, weren’t we?”
If he looked half as uncomfortable as Kelsey did when someone asked her personal questions, it was a miracle Charlotte ever said anything to him at all.
His sister stared out at the paddock before them. “Yeah, we were close.”
“Growing up…was I a dick?”
Kelsey sighed. “Jamie, please tell me you didn’t drive all the way here to ask questions you already know the answer to.”
“Just say it.”
Anger flared in his sister’s eyes. “Yeah, you were a self-absorbed shithead. That what you want to hear, Jamie? Every other day you were gettin’ in a fight, crashing your car or making girls cry on the front lawn. You had your head up your ass and everyone knew it.”
“Did you hate me?”
His sister raised her eyebrows. “A little. No matter how bad you fucked up Mom and Dad always bailed you out. You could throw a fucking ball and you were prettier than I was so you got away with everything. It was kinda fucking unfair.”
There was no resentment in Kelsey’s voice. Any real anger she had at being saddled with such an inadequate family had long since gone stale. She had her own family now, her own life.
James looked down at his hands. “I’m sorry, Kels.”
She sighed again. “Jamie, what the fuck’s happened?”
“I met a girl.”
“An’ it’s not working out, I take it?”
“Nope.”
“What does that have to do with us being kids?”
James stared out into the night air. There was a tree in the distance that looked like a squirrel.
“Jamie, talk.”
He swallowed, abused throat clacking loudly. “I don’t think I’m ever gonna be normal enough to be a boyfriend. Or a husband. Or a father. You said it, I’m an asshole and I don’t know how to stop being an asshole. I’m scared I’m gonna die a lonely, fucked-up alcoholic.”
Kelsey brought her beer bottle to her temple as though the coolness would soak into her brain. “This about what happened when you were fourteen?”
James looked away. On some level he had come here to talk about this with Kelsey but he wasn’t ready. He wasn’t ever ready.
“I should punch that bitch in the mouth,” Kelsey said, as though commenting on the weather.
“What would that accomplish?”
“Maybe it would show you that what happened wasn’t fair an’ someone was willing to do something about it. Maybe you wouldn’t be a thirty-year-old man who still acts like a fuckin’ kid.”
“Yeah, well that shit with Meghan was sixteen fucking years ago. It’s over. It’s done.”
Kelsey didn’t respond, just looked out over the hills and waited for him to calm down, like she always did. When he spoke again, his voice cracked. “She knew, Kelsey, Charlotte knew there was something fucked-up about me.”
When his sister turned to look at him, her eyes were soft. “Tell me what happened, Jamie.”
He leaned back in his chair, feeling so incredibly weary. “Charlotte came looking for me at a party. She wanted a rebound and Sophia set it up.”
Kelsey snorted. “I’ll bet. That girl is a class-A control freak.”
Somehow, James managed to smile. “Anyway, I liked her so we kept things going. It was casual, but Charlotte just had this way of…pulling me in somehow. She was all I could think about, even when we weren’t fucking all over the place—”
James realized who he was talking to. “Shit, sorry.”
Kelsey held up a palm. “Don’t care. Keep going.”
“I messed up a few times, pushed her away when I felt her getting too close, but it never seemed to bother her. Even when I was an asshole she always seemed to trust me. Not just with her body, more like…I don’t know…”
Kelsey smiled. “Like she enjoyed being around you?”
“Yeah and I liked it. I really fucking liked it but everything was coming to a head, and when she asked me if I wanted to make it official I couldn’t…I just…”
“Backed away like a coward?”
James winced. When he was doing the backing away it had felt admirable, smart. But that was bullshit. “Pretty much. When I finally found the balls to tell her how I felt, she turned around and told me I couldn’t give her what she needed.”
“What like money?” Kelsey asked, her forehead wrinkling.
“Naw, the opposite of that. This girl doesn’t give a shit about money.” He smiled in spite of himself. “This girl, Kels…she’s the last thing I’d ever have seen coming. She’s a yoga teacher and she doesn’t drink…”
Kelsey’s blonde eyebrows disappeared underneath her fringe but she didn’t say anything.
“Nothing about me and her makes sense but I was so drawn in by her from day one. It was like I tuned into a radio station I’d never heard of and all it did was play my favorite songs in a row…” James shook his head at his own soppy metaphor. “Anyway, last time we saw each other she told me I wasn’t ready to be a boyfriend.”
Kelsey frowned. “What d’you mean?”
“Charlotte said I didn’t really care about anything.”
“You mean other than pussy and beer?”
Kelsey laughed and even though it was at his expense, James found he didn’t mind so much.
He looked down at his hands. “I don’t want to be that guy anymore, Kelsey. I’m thirty and that’s all people think I am, some rich kid with a drinking problem, and no matter how much time goes by I can’t bury the Meghan thing, it just follows me around. Charlotte could tell. She knew I was hiding something.”
Kelsey sighed. “Jamie, is it possible this girl doesn’t care about your past, that maybe she cares that you’ve been acting like a withholding, no-account asshole?”
/> “Jesus, tell me how you really feel.”
“I am. I’m tired of watching you drift around pretending you don’t give a fuck, and clearly this girl is too.”
James ran a hand through his hair. “I just don’t get it, I mean, yeah, the last couple years, working for Dad has been boring as shit and I don’t really have relationships, but that’s not weird. Most people do that.”
Kelsey let out a humorless laugh. “Most people are pretty unhappy, James, and they’re content not doing a thing about it. Sounds like your girl holds herself to a higher standard. Can’t blame her for expecting you to do the same.”
“I just…I never thought…Dad wanted me to come work with him.”
“Jamie, our daddy’s a drunk, small-minded asshole. It’s no surprise once you were done playing ball and paradin’ around in your underwear he made you an offer you couldn’t refuse. You can’t blame yourself for getting sucked into that bullshit. But you can be blamed for staying and you can be blamed for not trying to sort out your head after what that bitch did to you.”
Debbie’s plump face appeared in the window, her usually warm expression strained.
“Look I’m pleased as anything you two are talking, but can you keep the cussing to a minimum? Izzy’s taking a bath and she can hear every darn word.”
Kelsey straightened up in her chair, looking guilty. “Sorry, darlin’”
James smiled to himself. “Anyway, Jamie, where were we? Oh yeah, Meghan. If you think you’re still…upset up about that night, you need to talk to someone. Like a professional.”
James grimaced. “Maybe…but it’s not just about Meghan anymore. When I’m around Charlotte it’s like she’s poking around inside me. I just can’t handle it.”
“Yeah, well, you’re all gummed up inside. Your girl realized that and got spooked. No well-adjusted person wants their lover dumping all their shit on them.”
“So what do I do?”
Kelsey placed a hand on his shoulder. “You try to change. Get a job you actually like, save drinking for special occasions, try a bit harder. Show this girl what you have together isn’t just a fucked-up guy latching onto whoever he thinks might help him.”
Degrees of Control Page 20