“My parents’ place for a few days but I’ve signed a lease with my friend Jesse.”
The skin between James’ eyebrows contracted.
“She’s a woman.”
James’ face unscrunched as he stared out at the water. “I suppose rushing to the airport to stop you wouldn’t be appropriate?”
Charlie smiled but it hurt. “As romantic as that might be, it’s time for me to go home, James.”
He nodded. “I know what we had wasn’t romantic, Charlotte. When I wasn’t being a dick, I was fucking the shit out of you.”
“Hey, who says that isn’t romance?” She covered his thick-knuckled hand with hers. “I fell pretty damn hard for you, James Hunter. Something must have worked.” James’ eyes crinkled and it was just enough to break her heart.
He took a deep breath and looked back toward the lake. “I-I have something I’ve been meaning to tell you. I wanted to tell you the night you left, but you don’t know how fucking hard it is to say out loud—”
His voice trailed off and Charlie put a hand on his arm. He was only wearing a heavy gray T-shirt and Charlie wondered if he was shaking from cold or nerves. “You don’t have to tell me anything, James.”
He looked at her, hazel eyes insistent. “I want to tell you. Is that okay?”
She nodded, trying to drive all the emotional support she could through her palm and into his body.
James drew in a big breath, his entire body twisted with energy. “So, when I was fourteen my brother Will was seeing this girl, Meghan. She was a dancer in a couple of music videos, anyway the point is I had a crush on her.”
James’ voice was flat, but Charlie noticed a quake at the end of his vowels. She sat as still as possible, as though if she moved, even breathed too loudly, she’d spook him.
“She used to flirt with me, telling me how big I was getting, how I was gonna be hotter than my brother, just stupid shit. I was just a dumb kid so I ate it up. Anyway, around that time my parents were separating and one weekend both of them went away, so my brother decided to throw a party.”
Charlie felt ice water trickle its way into her veins, but forced herself to remain immobile.
“Almost four hundred people showed up, mess and noise like you wouldn’t believe. So, like I said, I was fourteen and Kelsey made me go to bed pretty early because she was taking me to football practice in the morning.”
James swallowed so hard Charlie could hear the saliva working its way down his throat.
“I woke up in the middle of the night an’—an’ Meghan was on top of me. She was naked and I, uh—try and ask her what she was doing but she doesn’t answer, just starts, uh, kissing me.”
Charlie clapped her hands over her mouth and James laughed, the sound as bitter as lemons.
“Yeah, that’s pretty much right. Fucked in my bed by my brother’s drunk girlfriend.” He looked away, a humorless smile crusted to his face. “My sheets had cartoon dogs on them. Don’t know why I still remember that, but I do. I was worried she’d think they were lame.” He shook his head. “So, uh—that’s how I lost my virginity.”
Impossible.
“How old was she?” Charlie asked, her own voice ringing inside her head.
“Uh—twenty-three.”
Charlie started crying. There was no gentle sobbing, she just started gasping and sputtering and leaking tears like a broken faucet. James threw his arms around her.
“Oh, Charlotte, oh, darlin’, I didn’t want to make you sad. Please don’t cry, sweetheart.”
Charlie cried louder. She cried for the boy who had been hurt and for the man she loved. It was just so fucking unfair. “Did you tell anyone what happened?”
James shifted in his seat and a flash of the surly teenager he had been surfaced. “I just wanted to act like it never happened. Or that I was glad it happened. I didn’t want people to think I was bein’ a baby.” James released another shaky breath. “Kelsey figured it out. She tried to tell Will but he didn’t want to hear it. Meghan denied the whole thing and that was it.”
This explained so fucking much. Why James never wanted to have sex in his bed, why he withdrew from intimacy and saw himself as worthless and untrustworthy. “What happened to Meghan?”
James shrugged. “She and Will kept dating, they split up a few times but they got married eventually. It was their ten-year anniversary I went to that weekend in Texas.”
“You still have to see her?” Charlie leapt to her feet. “What the hell, James? All the stuff I said and the whole time I didn’t understand what you were going through…”
James stood up and practically bundled her into his arms. Charlie wanted to resist, wanted to rage against the woman who hurt him.
“Charlotte, please…” The sunlight caught the skin around James’ eyes making him look ten years older. “I didn’t tell you this so you would feel sorry for me. I owed you an explanation for acting like such a prick…I don’t think I ever really got over it. Being a girlfriend fucker.”
“You’re not a girlfriend fucker. What happened to you wasn’t fair.”
“I know that now, Charlotte, I just…I wish I’d known it then.”
Charlie crawled into his lap and put her head against his chest, not caring if anyone saw them and thought they were fucking on a bench in broad daylight. She needed to be as close to him as possible, to touch his skin and hear his heartbeat and know he was okay. James wrapped his arms around her and pressed his face into her hair. They stayed like that for a long time.
“Charlotte?”
“Yeah?”
“I’ve been seeing someone, you know, a shrink, talking about everything. Kelsey’s idea. It helps, being reminded that it wasn’t my fault, as fucking clichéd as that sounds.”
That’s why James looked different she realized, the tension that had been as much a part of him as his blond hair or hazel eyes just wasn’t as obvious.
“Sorry I was such an asshole to you, sweetheart.”
Charlie hugged him tighter. “You’re not an asshole. I thought you’d been through a couple of bad break-ups or you had family issues, not that you’d been hurt so badly. I can’t believe the way I acted.”
James pressed a gentle fingertip to her upper lip. “What you told me that night you left? You had every right to say that. Until now I’ve been the guy that just lets shit happen. It’s just before you, no one really noticed. Or cared.”
A thick gloss of tears coated Charlie’s eyes. “When I tied you up, were you thinking about…that?”
James shook his head. “Oh god, darlin’, no. What we did was fucking phenomenal. I wasn’t acting out my past any more than you were.” He huffed out a laugh. “I am a little obsessed with how people lost their virginity, reassuring myself that my first time wasn’t any more fucked-up than anyone else’s.”
Tears slipped down Charlie’s cheeks. “I understand. I’m not sure if I told you, but my boyfriend made me pay for the condoms. He was saving up for a touch-screen Gameboy.”
James snorted with laughter, and despite the hot tears dripping down her cheeks, Charlie knew everything was going to be okay. He was going to be okay.
“Charlotte…” James took a deep breath. The way he was looking at her, the world could collapse around his ears and he wouldn’t notice. “Even if you and I don’t get together I’m so glad I met you. I was walking around half asleep and now I’m awake. That’s because of you, sweetheart. Because you saw right through me.”
His eyes were warm. “You knocked me on my ass that day at Ruby’s, told me to get the fuck away from you polite as can be. If I hadn’t convinced you to fuck me I’d probably still be wandering around, dreamin’ about the girl with blue eyes.” He looked down into her tear-streaked face. “You probably know it already, Charlotte, but I can’t let you leave without telling you again…”
He looked at her and she knew what was coming next. But it wasn’t scary or insulting, this time knowing what was coming made her chest tight.
>
“I love you.”
Charlie’s heart beat in triple time. “Really?”
“Yes.”
“Even though I’m a meter shorter than you?”
“I don’t know what that is, but yes.”
“Even though my job is teaching people how to touch their toes and I hate meat and I have rape fantasies?”
He moved even closer. “Yes.”
“Even though I’ll never be happy unless you’re happy?”
Their lips were a millimeter apart. “Especially because of that.”
She blinked at him. “Oh. Okay. I love you too.”
He kissed her long and slow and sweet. When they were done he buried his face in her hair again and laughed. “It feels different than I thought.” His voice was dreamy.
“What does?”
“Being in love.”
Charlie snuggled deeper into his arms. “What did you think it would feel like?”
“I dunno.” James rested his chin on her head. “I thought it would be more…volatile. Like I’d be all pumped up all the time, all jealous and raring to go…”
“So what do you feel like?”
He paused for a long moment, Charlie could feel his heart racing beneath her cheek.
“Calm. Strong. Like I can do anything.”
“That’s better, isn’t it?”
“Yeah.”
James shifted beside her. “I’m probably still gonna be fucked-up for a while. But I promise I’ll never take it out on you, or anyone, like that again.”
“I know. Though I feel obligated to say, I know your weakness now and I will exploit it to get more hugs.”
“That’s real cute, Blue-Eyes.”
James kissed the top of her head. “I knew there was something else I wanted to tell you. I quit my job, well, I gave my notice. Finish up next Friday.”
Charlie gaped at him. “Are you serious? What about all your suits?”
James chuckled. “They’re in storage. I’ve hated that job for ages, it’s time for me to do something else.”
“Like what?”
“Kelsey’s giving me some work at her equine clinic for now, but we’ll see how my near future shakes out before I go making any big career decisions.”
Charlie stared at him, her chest tight. “Near future?”
James smiled and it was like a ray of sunshine piercing the clouds.
“I-I know it’s soon and I’ve been an exceptional asshole, but I can’t just have another couple of weeks with you, Charlotte. If you can forgive me for being such an exceptional asshole, then I’ll do anything…I mean…how would you feel about me coming with you to Australia? We don’t have to live together or anything, I could rent a place near you, or far away from you. I have a friend over there who runs a garage, he could give me work, are they called garages in Australia? Also, is Moonee Ponds anywhere near Melbourne? I’ve tried googling it but it all makes no sense, anyway you don’t have to say yes…Charlotte?”
More tears. Again with the tears, but this time she didn’t even try to stop them. Just hugged him with all her strength.
“I forgive you for being an exceptional asshole,” Charlie mumbled into his left pectoral muscle. James laughed and squeezed her close. “Then it’s done. I’m in love with you and I’m gonna go to Australia with you. I officially declare this picnic a success.”
“What picnic? We don’t have any food.”
“Shh, baby.”
“My family is going to make fun of your accent so bad.”
James smirked. “I don’t care, darlin’, long as you think it’s sexy.”
Charlie squeezed him tighter, feeling his powerful body flex against hers. “Have you been ridiculously turned on by any chance?”
James tilted his head back and groaned at the sky. “Darlin’, you have no goddamn idea. Just having you this close is driving me insane. And yoga? What the fuck, Charlotte? I wear shorts to that class and if I have to watch you bend over like that one more time…”
“Want to get out of here?”
James grinned. “It’s that kind of compatibility that’s gonna make us a fucking amazing couple, Blue-Eyes.” He seized her hand and started tugging her back to the car.
“You’re very greedy.”
“And you’re not? C’mon, we’ll go tell Sophia you’re my date for the wedding, and then I’m gonna tie you to my bed.”
Charlie narrowed her eyes. “I just realized how you coerced Sophia into helping you. You threatened to mess up her seating arrangements at the wedding, didn’t you?”
James laughed. “It was for a good cause. Even Sophia knows that.”
Hand in hand they walked back to his car when a thought occurred to her.
“Hey, James?”
“Yeah, Charlotte?”
“Because you’re super into me and technically an unemployed guy who does yoga, do we have to make sweet, sweet love now?”
He smirked at her. “Uh-uh, Charlotte, your days of sexual torment are just beginning.”
“Hmm, good to know, Mr. Hunter.”
James brought her hand to his lips. “You wait and see, Blue-Eyes, we’re gonna have everything together.”
The End
Publisher’s Note
Please help this author’s career by posting an honest review wherever you purchased this book.
About Eve Dangerfield
Eve Dangerfield has loved romance novels ever since she first started swiping her grandmother’s paperbacks. Now she writes her own unapologetically sexy tales about complex young women and gorgeous-but-slightly-tortured men. Eve currently lives in Melbourne with her sister and a rabbit named Billy. She can be found at www.evedangerfield.com
Table of Contents
Degrees of Control
Blurb
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
About Eve Dangerfield
Degrees of Control Page 22