Tessa stood and began collecting the dirty lunch plates. “Don’t forget we’re also picking up the camping gear. Dad, do you want to take Ben and Jayden into the shed and sort it?”
“Well, that’s a not too subtle way of being told you’re not wanted!” Telford laughed his big laugh, his bushy eyebrows bobbing up and down above his heavily creased eyes, but rose anyway. Ben and Jayden followed him outside.
Over the dishes, Eleanor asked Tessa how she was coping with everything. “I know you’re pregnant, but I can sense when you have things on your mind.”
Tessa sighed and looked her mother in the eye. “How do you do it, Mum? How do you just know?”
Eleanor stopped washing and dried her hands on her apron. “All I can say, Tessa, is that God has given me the gift of discernment, and I can often see below the surface and know when things aren’t quite right. Not always, but often.” She reached out and took Tessa’s hand. “So, what’s troubling you, my precious one? Is it Ben, or is it Jayden? Or is it someone else?”
That was a good question. If she were honest, she’d have to say it was both Ben and Jayden, although things with the two of them had settled down some, and she was learning to accept Ben’s fussy ways, although she doubted she’d ever accept his strictness with Jayden. But it wasn’t just them. It was work; it was Harrison and Margaret; it was Sabrina; it was Stephanie; it was Michael. Tessa gulped. Michael. She still hadn’t given him an answer and he’d be in Brisbane this week.
Tessa wrung her hands. “It’s a whole lot of things, Mum, and I don’t know where to start.” Or how much I should say…
“Let’s have a cup of tea, and start wherever you want.”
Tessa sat with her mother and told her about Margaret and Harrison, and how sad it was that Harrison refused to see his mother even though she’d been trying to make amends for such a long time. “You were a stay-at-home mother. Do you think it’s wrong for mothers to work?”
“Tessa, that was a long time ago. Things have changed, and it’s normal for most mothers to work, but back then, your father and I made the decision that caring for the family would be my main priority, and that we’d go without some of the luxuries we’d otherwise have. Your friend Margaret made the other choice, and it seems she’s still paying the price for it. But I can’t say if it’s right or wrong. It’s something you and Ben have to work through together. I’m guessing that’s what you’re getting at. Am I right?”
Tessa nodded. “Yes, of course you’re right.” Tessa rested her forearms on the table, her hands wrapped around her tea-cup. “I’m not really enjoying being manager.” She drew in a deep breath. “I’d love to go back to my old job, but I don’t think Fran would be happy with that, especially when she finds out I’m pregnant.”
“You can learn a lot by seeing things through, Tessa, and I’m sure Fran will be flexible if you decide to go back to work after a decent break.” Eleanor placed her hand lightly on Tessa’s arm. “Talk to Ben about it, dear, and pray about it. But don’t give in just because it’s too hard. It’s good to be challenged sometimes, and you never know, God might have placed you in that position to help build the bridge between Harrison and his mum.
Tessa gulped. Exactly what she’d been thinking, but not necessarily what she wanted to hear. Maybe I do run when things get too hard, like Sabrina said. Like with Michael…
Tessa shifted her gaze to her tea-cup and inhaled slowly. What would her mother say to this one? She cocked her head slightly. “Michael’s back in town, Mum. He’s been in rehab, and he’s recommitted his life to Jesus.”
Eleanor’s immediate response was to smile. “That’s great news, Tessa.” But her smile was soon replaced with a concerned expression as she studied her daughter. “What’s the matter, Tessa?” She leaned forward and touched Tessa’s arm lightly.
Tessa levelled her gaze at her mother. “He wants to see me.”
“Oh.” Eleanor sat back and drew a breath.
Tessa pinched her bottom lip. “Ben doesn’t want me to see him.”
Eleanor held her daughter’s gaze. “I can understand that, Tessa.” Her voice was soft and caring. “I imagine Ben’s threatened by Michael, especially after what happened with his first wife.”
“Yes, I know, but this is different. It’s not like I’m going to run off with Michael or anything. I’m just annoyed that Ben doesn’t seem to trust me.”
Eleanor leaned back. “Why do you want to see him, Tessa?”
Tessa inhaled slowly. “Just to clear the air between us. I still care about him, Mum, and I feel bad about how it all ended.” Tessa’s eyes misted over.
“Yes, but if it’s causing problems between you and Ben, Tessa, don’t go. Ben’s your priority now, not Michael, regardless of how you feel.”
Tessa bit her lip and looked out the window. “I had a feeling you’d say that.”
Before Eleanor could ask any more questions, the boys stomped up the stairs and entered the kitchen, filling it with their chatter.
“I think we got everything out, Tessa, but you can check if you want.” Telford stood behind Eleanor and squeezed her shoulders. “It’s all pretty old. Hasn’t been used since your mother and I went on that road trip about eight years ago, but it should be in good order.”
“Dad, everything of yours is in good order.” Tessa laughed lightly, brushing away her concerns over Michael for now.
“We pulled out that old tent of yours too, Tessa. Hopefully it’ll be all right for the two boys. Might pay to check it.”
“What you’re saying, Dad, is that because it’s mine it might not be in good order?” Tessa raised her eyebrows playfully.
“Well…”
“Telford, that’s enough!” Eleanor reached back and tapped his hands. Although she sounded serious, there was an underlying warmth to her voice.
“We’ll check it, Dad. It’s okay.” Tessa let out a resigned sigh.
“Have you been camping before, Jayden?” Eleanor turned and looked at Jayden who’d been hanging back behind both Telford and Ben. She grabbed his hand and drew him down onto the seat beside her.
“I used to go camping often when I was in scouts, but I haven’t been since then.” He flashed an accusing look at Ben. “Dad doesn’t like camping.”
“That’s not true, Jayden. I’ve just never been.” Ben’s face reddened.
Tessa slipped her hand into his. “But we’re going next weekend. And we’re going to have a great time, aren’t we, Ben?” She gazed up into Ben’s eyes, willing him to be encouraging for Jayden’s sake.
Ben drew in a slow breath. “Yes, we’re going to have a great time.” His voice sounded a little strained, but at least he was trying.
As they said their good-byes a short while later, Eleanor took Tessa’s hands in hers. “I have no doubt you’ll be a wonderful mother, Tessa. Seems like just yesterday I was welcoming you into the world, but now you’re all grown up with a family of your own and it’s your turn to bring a daughter or son into the world.” Eleanor’s eyes moistened, and Tessa’s eyes blurred with tears of her own. “Being a mother is exhausting and wonderful—the greatest thing that can happen to you, Tessa, but it can also be the most challenging. I have no doubt God will give you all the grace, strength, and wisdom you’ll need to love and raise your child the way he wants you to.” Eleanor’s voice was warm and soft, and she had a tear in her eye. She reached out and brushed a stray hair from Tessa’s forehead. “I’ll be praying for you at every stage of your journey, honey. You can count on that.”
Fresh tears pricked Tessa’s eyes as Eleanor hugged her tightly and planted a big kiss on her cheek.
“Thanks Mum, I appreciate that.” Tessa smiled into her mother’s watery eyes, her voice catching in her throat. “And I’ll look forward to that shopping trip.” She squeezed her mother’s hand before letting go and climbing into the front passenger seat beside Ben.
Chapter 17
Eleanor’s words weighed on Tessa’s mind all the w
ay home. “If it’s causing problems between you and Ben, Tessa, don’t go…” Tessa glanced at Ben in the driver’s seat. The day out had done him good. He seemed more relaxed, despite the prospect of the camping trip and Jayden’s disappointing performance that morning. But if she mentioned Michael’s name, tension would reappear, and she didn’t want that at all. The more she thought about it, the more she believed she would need to put aside her desire to see Michael for the benefit of her marriage. But Michael still needed a response. It was unfair to leave him hanging like she had, and as he was due to arrive this week, time was running out.
Long shadows extended to the other side of the road by the time they arrived home. Ben and Jayden unpacked the camping gear and stacked it on several shelves in the carport, ready to be repacked the following weekend. Jayden disappeared into his room, and Ben was keen to watch the football game on television between the Brisbane Broncos and the North Queensland Cowboys, as long as Tessa didn’t mind. She didn’t mind at all. It gave her the perfect opportunity to draft an email to Michael.
Tessa knew the contents of Michael’s email by heart. Countless times she’d pictured him sitting on a chair as he wrote it, full of hope that she might be willing to rekindle their friendship. Now she had to dash his dreams. God, I feel so bad. I don’t know what to write, please help me. She drew in a deep breath and, placing her fingers on the keyboard, began.
‘Dear Michael,
Please forgive me for not replying to your welcome email sooner. I was so glad to hear about your successful rehabilitation, and even gladder to hear about your re-commitment to the Lord.’
Tessa paused, reading over what she’d just written. Did it sound too stuffy and formal? Probably—but best to keep going or I’ll never finish it.
‘I do have news to tell you of my own. I have no idea of your sister’s motivation for not telling you herself, as she is obviously aware of it. I can only think she wanted to cause strife for me as she’s never held any great love for me, especially after you and I parted ways. Michael, I have to tell you that I’m now married. I hope that doesn’t come as too much of a shock. I know you were hoping to rekindle our friendship, but at this early stage in my marriage, I don’t believe I can be more than someone you once knew, and possibly loved.
What we had was wonderful while it lasted, and I have many treasured memories of our time together. When I think back to our happy times, it makes the unhappy times so much sadder. I’ll never forget the day of your accident, the day everything changed. You were in so much pain, and my heart went out to you as you lay in that hospital bed with goodness knows how many tubes and monitors poking into and out of you. And the devastating news that you might never be able to do any active sports again. I know how difficult that was for you, as our lives were filled with so many fun activities, and the prospect of never being able to scuba dive or ski again, or even ride your bike, I think probably caused you to get hooked on those drugs. They not only eased your physical pain, but also helped you forget about your loss.
I tried to understand that at the time, but maybe I wasn’t mature enough to know how to really help you. I thought it was just a simple matter of accepting the situation, praying about it and getting on with life, but now I realise that emotional healing often takes longer, and I needed to be more patient and caring. I’m sorry I failed you, Michael, I really am. However, what happened can’t be undone. It can only be remembered as a time when we both struggled, and sadly ended with us parting ways. I hope you’ll forgive me for choosing to go my own way, and for leaving you to deal with your problems on your own. At the time, I felt I could do nothing more, despite praying for your healing and hoping God would help you get off those drugs.
I guess you’re wondering who I married. Before I tell you, let me assure you it took a long time for me to face life again without you. Just ask Stephanie! She often had to drag me out of bed to go to work, and so often I wanted to call you and say I was sorry I’d broken it off, but I didn’t, and I slowly rebuilt my life without you in it. And then, one day, actually, it was one night, when I was at puppy training (yes, I now have a dog—I found him in the car park at work and brought him home), I met this wonderful man. I was hesitant to get involved at first, mainly because he’s a bit older than me and has a teenage son, but we slowly fell in love. He’s a deep thinker, and was suffering from depression when we met after his wife walked out on him, but he’s a Christian and he’s a deeply caring man, and I love with all my heart. We married in January, and moved into a new house in New Farm—all three of us. Can you imagine me as a step-mother to a teenager? I couldn’t for a long time, but God has given me a real love for Jayden, and even though we struggle in our relationship sometimes (often, if I’m honest), I think we’re doing all right.’
Tessa paused again. Should I tell him I’m pregnant? She tapped the desk and inhaled slowly, and eventually decided against it. No need.
‘Michael, I can’t say enough how happy I am that your rehab was successful. But what makes me happier still is your re-commitment to the Lord. I pray that in the weeks and months to come, your faith will grow stronger every day, and you’ll find peace and fulfilment in your life because Jesus is living in your heart. No doubt there will be dark days when temptation comes your way, but Michael, stay strong in the Lord and don’t give in. When you are weak, then he is strong. Pray often and immerse yourself in the Word, and surround yourself with others who love Jesus. I’m sorry I’m sounding like a preacher—I don’t mean it to sound like that. In fact, I’ve just re-read what I wrote, and I need to take my own advice!
Anyway, in conclusion, I just want to say that I wish you all of God’s best for the future. I pray that he will lead and guide you, and you will find direction in your life. I hope that one day we can meet again, but until then, please be assured of my deep affection.
Tessa’
Tessa exhaled slowly and closed her eyes as she leaned back in her chair. Was she ready to hit the send button? How would Michael react when he received it? Had she come on too heavy? She took a deep breath. God, please bless this email, and prepare Michael’s heart. Wrap him in your love, and protect him from the disappointment he might feel when he receives it. And Lord, please help him to grow strong in you, and become the man of God you want him to be. And lastly, Lord, please help me to grow closer to you, too. I’m sorry for my stubbornness and the way I’ve treated Ben just because I wanted my own way. Please forgive me. Amen.
She straightened herself and without any more ado, hit the ‘send’ button.
Tessa was sure Michael would always hold a special place in her heart, but Ben was the love of her life, the one she’d promised God she’d love through sickness and health, through bad times and good, and now she needed to tell him she wasn’t going to see Michael.
Chapter 18
Tessa stretched and glanced at the clock. She’d been at her computer longer than she thought. Strange the boys hadn’t been calling for dinner. She closed her computer down and ran her hands over her tummy. A sense of warmth and God’s peace settled over her now she’d done what she knew was the right thing.
When she stepped into the living room, Ben was asleep on the couch looking very peaceful. The football game had finished and the news was on. Tessa tip-toed to the television to lower the volume, but just as she reached it, Ben stirred. She turned around and smiled at him. “Enjoy the game, sweetie?”
Ben cleared his throat and pulled himself upright. He ran his hands through his hair and yawned. “Ah, yes, it was a close game.” Ben drew his eyebrows together as he peered at his watch. “How long have I been asleep?”
“Not long. The news has just started. Is Jayden still in his room?”
Ben glanced up the stairs. “Yes, as far as I know. He said he needed to study, but that was a while ago.”
“Are you sure he’s studying?” Tessa arched her brows as she joined Ben on the couch.
Ben placed his arm around her and kissed her chee
k. “That’s what he said. I don’t think he’d lie.”
“I’m not saying he’s lying, Ben, but there are a thousand other things for kids to do on the computer besides studying. It might be worth checking.”
“I guess you’re right. I’ll go check in a minute.” Ben sat straighter and began gently massaging Tessa’s shoulders. “So what has Mrs Williams been up to while her husband has been lazing in front of the television?”
Tessa sighed. How much should she tell him? No doubt he’d be happy about her decision not to see Michael, but the finality of it all still saddened her a little. She wondered if Michael had already read the email, and as she did, her heart raced at she thought of him opening it. God, I’ve already prayed about this, but please wrap your arms around Michael right now. It’s going to be such a shock for him. Ben began massaging her neck, and she remembered he was waiting for an answer. She breathed in slowly and gulped. “I sent an email to Michael.”
Ben stopped his massaging and his body stiffened. “What did you say?” The tone of his voice suggested he was expecting the worst.
Tessa turned her head and met his gaze. For a long moment they remained that way, neither of them moving or breathing. She inhaled deeply. “I told him I won’t be able to see him.”
Ben’s body visibly relaxed. He took her hand. “I’m so glad you made that decision, Tess. I had been wondering, and hoping.”
“I’m sorry I took so long, Ben.” Tessa squeezed his hands. “You deserved an answer long before now, but it’s done now. I won’t be seeing him.”
“What made you decide, Tess?” Ben’s voice had softened, and as he gazed into her eyes, she knew she’d made the right decision. Ben might not be as fun loving as Michael had been, but he was solid and steady, and he loved her deeply. Her heart warmed as he brushed his finger slowly along her brow.
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