Jayden yelled and waved to Tessa across the waterhole, drawing her away from her thoughts of Michael. She waved back. So good to see him behaving like a normal kid. Ben stood beside him, the rigid set of his jaw made her laugh again. Poor Ben. He’d much rather play chess than jump off a cliff. He’d told her that as an only child of well-to-do parents, he’d not only never been camping, he’d rarely done anything risky. The most challenging thing he’d ever done was abseil down a wall inside a gymnasium. He’d have to steel himself big time to leap into the unknown.
Neil jumped first. Jayden was left to coax his dad. Clever boy. If he’d jumped and left Ben on his own, Ben would never do it. But would he? Could he? The longer he waited, the harder it’d be. Come on, Ben, just do it.
Ben inched forward. No doubt he would have calculated how far down it was, how far out he’d need to jump, and how deep in the water he’d go. He would also have calculated the displacement of the water, but he wouldn’t know the pain he’d feel if he landed badly. You can do it, Ben!
Tessa would love to have done it with him, but Ben would never have approved, given ‘her condition’.
He stood as still as one of the guards in front of Buckingham Palace, poised and steeling himself. Jayden, crouched beside him, continued to coax. Tessa’s heart was in her mouth and her fingernails dug into the palms of her hands. As Ben finally jumped, she held her breath.
Moments later he hit the water and disappeared.
Chapter 20
Tessa leapt to her feet. Ben should have surfaced. Her hand flew to her chest. Her heart raced. Where is he? Everyone else who jumped bobbed up within seconds. Why hadn’t Ben? Jayden’s face paled as he stared into the water. Surely nothing could have happened to Ben? He’d jumped well clear of the rocks, and countless others had landed exactly where he had. Maybe he’d stopped breathing when he hit the freezing water. A thousand thoughts bombarded Tessa’s mind. Come on, Ben.
Just as Tessa moved closer to the edge, Ben broke the surface, one arm thrust into the air and a huge grin on his face. Tessa let out the breath she didn’t know she’d been holding. The hide of him! But he’d done it, he’d survived it, and he’d enjoyed it. Tessa relaxed.
Ben went round again several times while Tessa watched on with pride, the obvious enjoyment on his face warming her heart.
Later that night after they’d had dinner, they took a short walk to a clearing where the night sky was clearly visible. Lying on their backs, they gazed up at the myriad of stars twinkling down on them. Tessa rested her head on Ben’s shoulder and sighed contentedly.
They remained silent as they gazed at God’s handiwork. Beside them, Jayden and Neil tried to pick out constellations.
“I’m glad you made me come, Tess. It’s been a good day.” Ben kissed the side of her head and pulled her close.
“Yes, it has. And the boys have had a great time.” Tessa turned her head. “I’m sorry about the tent, Ben.”
“Seems it’s not a problem for them, so I guess it’s not a problem at all.”
“That’s a first, Mr Williams!”
“There have been a few firsts today, Mrs Williams.”
“And I think there’ll be another tonight.” Tessa chuckled as she cuddled him playfully.
Ben leaned closer to her and whispered in her ear, “Yes, and I’m looking forward to it.”
Tessa giggled. “Ben, you’re naughty.”
“No I’m not.” He let out a small laugh. “Now, let’s sort out these stars.”
Tessa woke with a start. Was that thunder? She lay rigid on her air mattress, not game to move lest she wake Ben, straining to hear the noise again. A faint rumble in the distance. She clenched her hands together as her heart beat faster. Storms hadn’t been forecast when she’d checked a few days ago. If one hit it’d be disastrous, especially with the boys in their makeshift tent. For what seemed ages, Tessa lay still, hoping and praying the storm wouldn’t eventuate. But the rumble got closer and louder, until a clap, almost directly overhead, made her jump. Her hand flew to her chest as another clap of thunder boomed above.
Ben jerked upright. Lightning split the sky, illuminating the inside of the tent. Ben’s eyes were wide open. “Was that thunder?”
Tessa grimaced. “Sounds like it, but storms weren’t forecast.”
The zip on the tent ripped open and the two boys piled in. “We’re not staying out in that!” Jayden sat huddled with his sleeping bag around his shoulders. “It’s monstrous!”
“It can’t be that bad.” Ben tousled Jayden’s hair.
“You weren’t out there, Dad. Go see for yourself.”
Ben peeked out as a bolt of lightning cracked through the sky, with a loud clap of thunder following almost immediately.
“You’re right. It’s huge. And here comes the rain.” Ben zipped up the tent and huddled close to Tessa.
“And the wind.” Tessa waited with baited breath, her arms clasped tightly around her knees. Within seconds, the wind hit, pushing the side wall of the tent in so much Ben and Tessa had to bend their heads to avoid touching the sides.
“How long is it going to last?” Jayden yelled.
“Hopefully not long,” Tessa yelled back.
The tent wall was pushed in even further. “I think it’s going to collapse.” Ben tilted his head to look at the angle of the wall.
“No, it’ll hold,” Tessa assured him. “Just sit tight.” But her heart was pounding. The tent could cave in, but she didn’t want to alarm Ben any further.
A crash outside made them all jump. “It’s just the billy,” Tessa said.
“How are we going to sleep?” Jayden asked.
“We won’t until it passes,” Neil replied.
“Maybe we should pray.” Ben was almost hyperventilating.
“It’s not that bad, Ben, we’re not going to die!” Tessa let out a small laugh as she cuddled him. “But yes, maybe we could pray anyway. It won’t hurt.”
“You start, Tessa.” Ben’s breathing began to steady.
“Okay, let’s pray. But let’s hold hands while we do.”
“Do we have to?” The tone of Jayden’s voice left no room for misunderstanding how he felt.
“Yes we do.” Ben’s voice had firmed, and Tessa smiled quietly to herself as she squeezed his hand and at the same time took Jayden’s.
“Dear heavenly father, thank you that you’re with us now, right in the midst of this storm. I’m sorry I’m shouting, Lord, but I’m not shouting at you. Promise. Lord, please still our hearts, even though all around us is noise and chaos. But Lord, we know that you’re the maker of all things, and this storm just shows us your power and your might. Your majesty is all around us, in the stars we gazed out at tonight, and in the beauty of this place. Be with us now we pray, and help us to trust you in the midst of all the storms we’ll face in our lives, both now and in the future. Amen.”
“Amen,” Ben whispered as he returned Tessa’s squeeze.
Jayden and Neil remained quiet and still as the storm slowly abated. Tessa’s heart warmed as Jayden didn’t flinch when she pulled him close. She prayed for him silently, asking God to touch his heart and to draw him slowly but surely into his Kingdom.
Chapter 21
Several weeks later on a Friday morning, Tessa woke earlier than usual. Something wasn’t right, but she didn’t know what. Her morning, or all day sickness, had decreased and she’d been feeling better of late, but this was different. Her stomach was cramping.
She said goodbye to Ben and Jayden and dragged herself to work, somehow making it through the day.
She almost didn’t go to Bible Study, but decided the company of Christian women, especially Margaret, might help. As long as Sabrina isn’t there. When Tessa arrived a few minutes early and sat down beside Margaret, Margaret leaned over and patted Tessa’s arm. “I’ve been praying for you, Tessa.”
“Really? How thoughtful of you, Margaret. Thank you.” Tessa smiled and took a sip of her coffee before
placing it on the table to the side. But she felt bad. She should have been praying for Margaret and Harrison more than the occasional times when she’d had a run in with Harrison. If only I could be more like Margaret and learn to pray more.
“Oh, it’s nothing, really. Each week I choose a lady from our group to pray for. Last week it was Sally, and this week it’s you.” She turned and faced Tessa square on, and lowered her voice. “You were very much on my heart this week, Tessa. As I was asking God what you needed prayer for, I believe He directed me to pray for extra strength for you.”
Tessa’s eyes welled. “Maybe it’s because I’ve been feeling really tired.” How special to have someone care like this.
Margaret searched Tessa’s eyes with her own soft ones. “Apart from being tired, how have you been feeling of late?”
Tessa brushed her eyes and took a breath to steady herself. “I’m not getting sick anymore, but this morning I had the most painful of cramps. And two nights ago, I bled a little.”
Margaret’s eyes widened. “When was your last doctor’s appointment?”
“Yesterday, the morning after I bled.”
“What did he say?” Margaret leaned closer.
Tessa sighed heavily. “He didn’t seem very concerned. He checked me over and told me to come back in a few days for another check-up and a scan. I plan to go back tomorrow.” As Tessa placed her hands gently on her slightly rounded stomach, her chest tightened. “He said it wasn’t anything to be worried about, but I can’t help but be worried.”
“Oh, Tessa, I’m sure he knows what he’s doing, but you have every right to be concerned, especially when you don’t know what’s happening.”
Tessa bit her lip and forced her tears back. She didn’t want to be the focus of attention, even amongst these caring women.
Margaret squeezed her hand, as if she knew exactly how she was feeling. “I’ll be praying for you and your baby Tessa. Make sure you go back tomorrow and get checked out completely. You need to make sure your baby is okay.”
Tessa nodded, sucking in a breath as she steadied herself. During their time of group prayer, Tessa bowed her head and thanked God for bringing Margaret into her life. They’d become close, and Tessa appreciated the older woman’s honesty and compassion. She would pray more often for her and Harrison, and she asked God if in some small way he might use her to help bridge the gap between the two.
Tessa turned her attention to the group prayers. “Lord God, we ask you to watch over Tessa and her baby, and to provide all they need in the days and weeks ahead. Pour your blessings out on them both, Lord God, and may Tessa and her husband know how deeply you care for them. Wrap your loving arms around them now, Lord, and may their hearts be filled with your peace. Amen.”
Tears flooded her eyes when Margaret prayed for her and her unborn baby. Margaret squeezed Tessa’s hand again as Tessa wiped her tears away with the other. Margaret’s prayer had touched her heart, although she didn’t quite understand why. I already know how much you care for me, God. I just need everything to be fine with my baby. She caressed her tummy again and tried to focus on the study, but her mind and heart were elsewhere. She had a keen sense of God wrapping his arms around her, comforting her, but she didn’t know why. Despite the chatter around her, Tessa rested in his arms, and drew strength for whatever lay ahead.
It was close to midnight when Tessa woke to searing pain in her stomach. Ben’s arm was across her chest. The sheets, soaked with sweat, lay heavy on her body. Tessa strained to sit upright but couldn’t—the pain was too intense. “Ben.” Her voice was weak and shallow. She nudged him gently with her elbow.
Ben stirred, but didn’t fully awaken.
“Ben, I need to go to hospital.” Tessa’s voice became more urgent as yet another wave of pain hit her.
Ben bolted upright in bed and leaned over her. “Hospital? What are you talking about, Tessa?”
“The baby, Ben. I need to go now.” Tessa gripped her stomach as tears filled her eyes. She knew what was happening—she was miscarrying. She forced back a sob. God, is this what you were preparing me for?
“It’s too early for the baby to be coming, Tessa.” Ben hurried out of bed, turned on the bedside lamp, and threw on a pair of jeans.
“I know, Ben.” She grabbed his hand as fresh sobs collected in her throat.
Everything that happened next was a blur. Ben knocked on Jayden’s bedroom door and told him to get dressed. Then he was back in their bedroom, telling her she was going to be fine, wrapping her in a robe, and helping her out of bed. Every movement only increased the pain and Tessa bit her lip to keep from crying out loud. She was hardly aware of the ride to the hospital. Once there, a host of nurses and emergency workers surrounded her and placed her on a trolley bed as they rushed her inside. The bright lights of the hospital hallways swirled above her, the noise of the nurses talking sounded like yelling, and the beeping machines hooked up to her scared her. Tessa prayed for the tiny baby inside of her and fought to hold on to it. Her world was crashing down around her and she called out for Ben. Then the pain took over and she passed out.
Several long hours later, Tessa awoke. Her gaze moved around the room. Ben was sitting in a chair beside her bed, his head hanging low, holding her hand. Jayden was asleep in the only other chair in the room, wrapped in a dark green blanket. Where am I, God? What’s happening? She eased herself slowly into an upright position as snippets of what happened flashed through her mind. The painful ride to the hospital, the bright lights, the noise, being wheeled away from Ben, and our baby. She slipped her hand out of Ben’s and clutched her stomach. Empty. Pain stabbed her heart as tears stung her eyes. She grabbed Ben’s hand. “Please tell me we haven’t lost our baby.” As she searched his face, she knew the answer. It was written all over it.
“We can try again, Tess.” He kissed her forehead, her cheeks dampened with tears, her hands, her fingers, and drew her slowly into his arms. She sobbed uncontrollably into his chest. God, why did you let this happen? A dull ache grew inside Tessa’s heart.
After some minutes, Ben lowered Tessa back onto the pillows. She was numb and couldn’t speak. He brushed her forehead with his hand and looked at her with such pity. She didn’t want pity—she wanted her baby.
A soft knock sounded on the door before it was pushed open and a red-headed nurse tip-toed in. “I’m sorry to interrupt.” Her voice was courteous and quiet, like she really meant it. “The results are back from the internal, and I’m so sorry to confirm that you did miscarry.” She paused, maybe to let the news sink in, but Tessa already knew. “This is a difficult moment for both of you, but it’s not your fault, Mrs Williams.” She cast her gaze onto Tessa and stepped closer. “Miscarriage is very common—it’s just not discussed a lot. But on the brighter side, the majority of women who miscarry go on to have a successful pregnancy next time round, so there’s plenty of hope for the future.”
The nurse meant well, but she was talking to someone else, not to Tessa. This wasn’t happening. It hadn’t happened. It was just a bad dream.
Ben thanked the nurse and she left the room.
“I’m sorry.” Jayden’s quiet voice sounded from the corner and made Tessa turn. His unexpected concern caused fresh sobs to catch in Tessa’s throat. She forced them back and drew in a breath.
“Thank you, Jayden. So are we.” The thought suddenly hit her—Jayden was blaming himself for what had happened. She reached out her hand and when he took it, she drew him to her side and sat him on the bed.
“You’re not to blame for this, Jayden. No-one is.” If only she could truly believe that for herself.
“But… I said I didn’t want a brother or sister, and… and now I wish I could take back those words.” Jayden’s voice caught in his throat. He lifted his head and looked into Tessa’s eyes. “I didn’t mean them.”
“I know you didn’t.” Tessa wrapped her arms around him and let him sob into her chest.
Ben stood and placed his h
and on Jayden’s shoulder. “We’ve all had those heated moments when we say things we don’t mean, son. Like Tessa said, it wasn’t your fault, and with God’s help, we’ll pull through this.”
After several long seconds, Jayden nodded and wiped his face with his sleeve. Ben didn’t reprimand him.
“I think we should pray.” Ben placed his other arm around Tessa’s shoulders and led them in prayer, his words and his deep steady voice providing a degree of comfort to Tessa. But they’d both been so convinced this baby was a gift from God, so why would he have let this happen? And how could Ben be so calm about it? He’d been over the moon about welcoming a new life into their family, and yet here he was, thanking God for his goodness. It makes no sense, God. I don’t understand.
The swelling weight of disappointment and grief sat heavily on Tessa’s heart, and she sobbed into Ben’s arms. He pulled her close and kissed the top of her head as he stroked her hair. Tessa knew deep down God would help them through this, but the ache in her heart hurt so badly, she could do nothing apart from cry for their lost baby.
Chapter 22
Tessa sat on the back porch swing holding a lukewarm mug of hot chocolate as she watched the sunset. The sky was a brilliant blaze of yellow, orange and red, but its beauty was lost on her. Her Bible lay open on the swing beside her, but every time she bent to read the words of Lamentations 3, tears filled her eyes. She was still trying to figure out why she and Ben had lost their baby. “God, what did we do wrong to deserve this?” she asked between sobs. “What could I have done differently?” She sat silently, waiting for an answer, but none came.
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