“Or you could make a trip to Gretna Green,” Appleton quietly suggested. “Then he would have a memory of the wedding. Granted, it would be a simple affair, but you will exchange vows with him. Lord Mason doesn’t need to know. And it’d offer you the security of knowing you are truly married to him.”
She sighed. He made several good points, but if she married Watkins, she’d be getting too close to him. Right now knowing he wasn’t really her husband was the only safe thing she had to hold onto. “I can’t,” she whispered.
She expected him to protest, but he didn’t so she finished the rest of her tea and set the cup on the tray. Footsteps crossing the threshold alerted her to Watkins’ presence in the room. Eager to find out what Lord Mason told him, she rose to her feet and approached him. “Your Grace, is all well?”
Watkins’ gaze went to Appleton before settling on her. “Yes. I managed fine with the horse.”
That wasn’t what she meant, but she didn’t think it was wise to question him about Lord Mason until they were alone. “Would you like some tea? It’s got a dash of peppermint in it.”
“No, not right now.” He glanced at Appleton again. “I think we should take a walk. I’ll wait here while you change into a suitable dress.”
It took her a moment to understand he was dismissing her. Her eyes widened when she realized he wanted to talk to Appleton alone. She looked at Appleton who stood by his chair, quietly waiting for their instructions. Appleton would never betray her. The secret burial of her husband would die with him. Turning back to Watkins, she nodded. “I’ll return shortly.” With nothing else to say, she left the room.
***
Jason waited until Anna was climbing the stairs before he softly closed the door to the drawing room. He turned his attention to Appleton and crossed the room until he was standing in front of the butler. “There is something I’ve been meaning to ask you, and I require you to be frank with me, even if you know I won’t like the answer.”
Appleton’s expression remained impassive, giving no indication if Jason’s solemn tone worried him or not. “What is it, Your Grace?”
“I notice that you and my wife are close, closer than it seems a butler and Her Grace should be.”
Appleton’s eyes lit up with understanding. “Oh, you mean to inquire about my relationship with her?”
He nodded.
“You have no need to worry, Your Grace. I think of her as a daughter, nothing more.”
Relieved, he relaxed. “May I ask how such a relationship came to be?”
“When you married Her Grace, things were different from the way they are now. There were times when it was best if she wasn’t alone with you. I learned to always be nearby in case she needed help.”
“In case she needed help. You mean, in case she needed your help?”
“I’d rather not go into details about the past. It’s not pertinent to how things are with you and her today.”
“If it’s my past, I have a right to know what happened.”
After a moment of silence, Appleton slowly said, “Suffice it to say, alcohol gave you a terrible temper, and if you weren’t happy, you had a tendency to take it out on her.”
The hairs on the back of his neck stood on end. “How bad was I?” he softly asked, afraid of the answer even as he needed to know it.
“Let’s just say she wouldn’t be here today if I hadn’t caught her late one night at the gazebo.”
“Gazebo? There’s no gazebo on these grounds.”
“Not after I had it burned, Your Grace. It was the one place where she sought comfort. On one particular night, I was returning from the stable and thought I saw someone in the gazebo. I expected an intruder, but it was Her Grace and there was blood running down her hands.”
“Blood?” Jason swallowed and squeaked out, “Did I stab her?”
“No, but she had bruises. I didn’t realize it until after I carried her to the house and wrapped her wrists. She didn’t angle the blade right, and that was to her advantage since it’s why she didn’t die that night. After that, I stayed by her side. It didn’t happen again.”
Jason collapsed into the nearest chair, sure he was going to be sick as it occurred to him what kind of person he’d been. No wonder Anna didn’t want to talk about the past, and no wonder she didn’t want to marry him again. It was a marvel that she wanted to spend any time with him at all.
“Your Grace,” Appleton began, once again choosing his words carefully, “I wouldn’t hesitate to leave you alone with her. You’re not the same gentleman.”
Head bowed, Jason didn’t respond. How could he do something like that? He didn’t think he had it in him to be violent that way, especially to someone as sweet as his Anna.
“Is there anything else you require?” Appleton softly asked.
He shook his head, relieved when Appleton left the room. He didn’t know how he could face Anna after everything he’d just learned. He placed his face in his hands and tried to think of a way—any way at all—he could rectify the damage he’d done.
The door creaked open, and he looked up in time to see Anna enter the room.
Without thinking, he fell to his knees in front of her and took her hands in his. “Anna, I don’t know what to say. Appleton just told me the truth.”
The color drained from her face. “He…he…what?”
“Will you forgive me?”
Her eyebrows furrowed. “Forgive you?”
“I am so sorry.” Unable to maintain eye contact with her anymore, he lowered his head and swallowed the lump in his throat. “I was a brute, a loathsome creature. I readily admit it. If I could go back and undo the damage I’ve done, I’d give my life to do it. Appleton told me about the way I was, how I hit you, why you tried to end your life… I don’t deserve a second chance, but if you’d grant me one, I promise I’ll never be harsh with you again.”
“Please stop,” Anna finally said and pulled her hands out of his.
He couldn’t blame her. His apology came too late. There was no way she was going to open herself to him again. He should be glad she’d even be willing to talk to him.
After she closed the door, she returned to him and leaned over him. “Stand up, Your Grace. You have nothing to be sorry about.”
“Even if I don’t remember, I’m still responsible for the abhorrent way I behaved.”
“No, no you’re not.”
She wrapped her arm around his shoulders and urged him to stand, but he couldn’t bring himself to face her. With a sigh, she knelt by him and took his face in her hands, forcing him to look at her. His eyes teared up and he shook his head. Her grip on his face tightened.
“Jason, I order you to look at me.” She released her breath and closed her eyes for a few seconds before opening them. “I can’t explain everything. You’ll just have to take my word for it, but here goes… You’re not the same person I married. What that person did is not your burden to bear. You have nothing to be sorry for. You are a gentle, kind, and caring gentleman. I don’t want to think about the past. I want to embrace the future. For the first time in my life, I can do that, and I don’t want what happened back then to taint what I have now. Can you do that for me? Can you forget what Appleton told you?”
“That seems to be a question more appropriate for you to answer given the way you suffered.”
“Yes, I can forget. I have forgotten.” Her eyes filled with tears, but she blinked them away. “When I look at you, I don’t think of any of it. I only think of how much better things are now.”
He cupped her face in his hands and brushed her cheeks with the pads of his thumbs, wondering what he’d done to be blessed with a lady who was so willing to forgive him. “I make you this promise: I will never do anything to hurt you again.”
A tear trickled down her face, and he gently wiped it away. He leaned forward and kissed her forehead. He felt another tear fall down her cheek and lowered his head so he could kiss it away. She lowered her hands
and held onto his arms. At first he thought she meant to pull him away but soon realized she had tightened her hold, a silent encouragement for him to stay close to her. And honestly, there was no other place he’d rather be. He didn’t know if she brought her lips to his or if he brought his lips to hers, but his heart leapt at the intimate contact. It was so wonderful—so completely wonderful—to be with her this way. He might have taken this for granted before, but he wouldn’t again.
When their kiss ended, he pulled away from her so he could look at her and smiled at the joy he detected on her face. So that’s what she looked like when she was happy. Since his health improved, he’d noticed the sorrow in her eyes, but now there was no sorrow there and it gave him a feeling of elation to know they really could start over.
“I want to marry you,” he whispered. “Even if it is foolish, I feel it’d be a new beginning for us. Please say yes.”
She let out a light chuckle and brought her arms around his shoulders. “Yes. I want nothing more than to marry you.”
His heart ready to burst, he pulled her into his embrace and kissed her again. The past was the past and could stay there. From now on, it would be the future. And he could think of nothing that could ruin it.
Chapter Thirteen
Anna’s hands shook as she collected her comb and hand mirror and placed them in her valise. It was hard to focus on what she needed to pack when her heart was beating so fast she thought it might jump out of her chest. She stopped for a moment and took a deep breath to help ease her nerves. She couldn’t believe she was doing something this rash. It seemed like a dream. To be sure, she pinched herself. No. She was still awake.
“Your Grace, you ought to let me pack your things,” her lady’s maid said as she entered the bedchamber.
“I know. It’s just that I…” She blushed and took another deep breath. She didn’t feel comfortable with her enough to say that she was too excited by Jason’s kisses to have fetched her to pack on her behalf.
Her maid smiled. “I think I understand, and it’s about time you enjoyed life, Your Grace.”
Unsure of what to say, Anna changed the topic. “I’ll select something to change into before I leave.”
“I’ll help you with it.”
With a nod, Anna turned to her wardrobe to select her traveling outfit. Once she did, her maid helped her into it and styled her hair.
“I’ll pack my things, Your Grace,” she said when she was done. “I won’t be long.”
“No,” Anna quickly replied. In her haste, she’d forgotten her maid would plan to prepare for the trip as well. Good heavens but her mind wasn’t what it should be. Her thoughts were one big jumbled mess. Clearing her throat, she added, “His Grace and I want to make this a private affair.”
“You don’t need to explain to me, Your Grace, but I’ll add that I think it’s terribly romantic.”
“Yes, it is, isn’t it?”
And that made Anna’s stomach tighten even more in a mixture of fear and anticipation. She wanted nothing more than to marry Jason, but in the back of her mind, she worried that someone would discover that he wasn’t the real Duke of Watkins. And if he found out, what then? Would he still want to be with her? Pushing aside her worries, she pulled the cord that would notify Appleton her things were ready.
“I hope you have an enjoyable trip,” her maid called out as she left the bedchamber.
By the time Anna turned from the cord, her maid was already gone. Anna went over to her vanity and checked her reflection. She couldn’t recall how long it’d been since she cared about her appearance, but she wanted to please Jason so she studied her hair to make sure not a strand was out of place. Then she pinched her cheeks to give them more color.
“You have something for me to take to the carriage, Your Grace?” Appleton asked, his lips curled up into a grin.
“I take it you’re happy,” she replied as she turned away from the mirror.
He stepped into the room and shrugged. “I might be a slight bit relieved you’re showing good judgment.”
Resisting the urge to let him know that his answer amused her, she motioned to the items she planned to take with her. As he picked them up, she lowered her voice and said, “His Grace blames himself for things he never did.”
Appleton sighed. “It wasn’t my intention to let him know, but when he asked why you and I are closer than a butler and the lady of the house are supposed to be, I had to explain to him that my interest in you goes no further than that of a father and daughter.”
“So he knows about that night you found me in the gazebo?”
He nodded. “But I didn’t tell him about your husband’s mistresses or illegitimate children.”
“Those things aren’t unusual for a duke to have.”
“No, they aren’t, but I didn’t wish to burden him with all of your husband’s indiscretions.”
“Maybe he’ll find out anyway.”
“Maybe, but not today.”
He was right. Considering Jason’s reaction to finding out as much as he had, it was best not to give him another reason to experience undeserved guilt.
“I’ll take these down now,” Appleton softly said and left her bedchamber.
She watched him as he left, thinking it would have been better off if Jason had never found out about that part of her past. It wasn’t right he should bear the guilt of another gentleman, and yet, it was his guilt that pushed her over the edge. She’d fought her feelings for as long as she could, but knowing how deeply he wanted to protect her crumbled what was left of the wall that she’d carefully constructed around her heart. And now she would love him forever. She didn’t know if it saved her or doomed her, but she knew the course was set and she’d follow it, wherever it led.
***
The new valet presented Jason with his comb, and as Jason ran it through his blond hair, a knock came at his bedchamber door.
“I’ll get that, Your Grace,” the valet said.
Jason nodded and turned his attention to the mirror. He couldn’t stop thinking about the new start he and Anna were making. It was a huge step they were taking, and he’d always be grateful she was willing to do it.
The valet returned to him. “Is there anything else you wish to take for your trip? Appleton is ready to take your valise to the carriage.”
“Just this.” He handed the valet the comb and looked at the doorway where Appleton stood. No longer seeing the butler as a threat to his relationship with Anna, Jason smiled. “I’ll be down soon.”
As Appleton came into the room, Jason turned to the valet. “You may go.”
The valet bowed and headed out. Jason waited until Appleton carried his things out of the room before he went to the small room off to the side of the bedchamber. It’d been a curious thing that Mason should mention the desk in this room. He glanced back at his empty bedchamber. If he was going to take a better look at the contents in that desk, now was a good time. Besides, if he didn’t, it would be on his mind during his trip, and he’d rather be focusing on Anna than thinking about this desk and Mason’s curious interest in it.
He sat down at the desk and opened the drawers, wondering what it was that he should be looking for. There were many papers, and they were neatly divided up into categories. Since he was still learning to read, most of the script looked like a jumbled mess, but he did come across a list of numbers.
Numbers were far easier for him to understand, so he took it out of a stack. The name at the very top was his father’s name. He ran his finger along the top column and softly sounded out the few words written on it. Then he ran his finger along the left side and down the rows. Excited, he realized this was the list of salaries his father used to pay the servants. A careful study of the list, however, made him frown.
Two and a half months ago, he recalled going down the staircase at a slow pace, afraid if he went too fast, he’d do more harm to his body and delay a walk with Anna. He hadn’t had the patience to wait for her t
o decide it was a good time to see him, so he was on his way to see her. As he made his way down the stairs, he listened to her play on her piano, her music blocking out the sound of his footsteps.
When he reached the bottom of the staircase, he noticed that the footman and steward were in a heated discussion further down the hall. Their heads were bowed together but their gestures indicated a difference of opinion. Something about it bothered him, and in that instant, he knew that he shouldn’t let them see him. He lifted the cane and made his way down a nearby corridor so they wouldn’t hear him. He gritted his teeth at the pain that pierced his side, but he was rewarded for his effort when he realized they were arguing over their wages.
Now as he studied the numbers on the sheet his father had written long ago, he understood their contention. He hadn’t been paying them as much as his father had. He slipped the paper back in its proper location and went to the cord along his wall to summon the steward. Anna had explained that the steward handled the finances, so he was the right person to talk to.
As he waited for the steward, Anna opened the door adjoining their rooms. Pleased she chose the private way to come see him, he smiled. “I hope you’re not having second thoughts about running off to Gretna Green with me.”
Her cheeks grew pink and she shook her head. “No, Your Grace. I was ready to head downstairs and wondered if you wanted to join me.”
He sighed and brought her into his arms, loving how soft she was against him. “I thought we moved beyond this ‘Your Grace’ thing. You should be calling me Jason.”
“I can call you both,” she insisted. “Your name is Jason, and your title allows me to refer to you as ‘Your Grace’.”
“You have an answer for everything, don’t you?”
“It’s the correct one, Your Grace.”
Then she brought her arms around his neck and kissed him. He pulled her closer to him and deepened the kiss. Now that he’d gotten a taste of what kissing her was like, he didn’t want to stop. Her lips were warm and inviting, and when her tongue brushed his, a jolt of excitement surged through him. He couldn’t remember what being in bed with her was like, but he couldn’t wait to explore the pleasures waiting for them.
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