by Anna Brooks
The kind of love I feel for Amie is the same way I feel about Clover. I can sit here and pretend I hate Amie, or that if I call her a bitch, it makes me feel better, but the truth is I never, not for one second, stopped caring about her. Not a day went by when I didn’t wonder what she was doing or what our life would be like if she hadn’t cheated on me.
I take that back. I should say if she didn’t break up with me. Even at the time, I was so desperate to be with her, I would have forgiven her. She was young; she was lonely without me being there… she made a mistake. Nobody’s perfect. Lord knows, I’m not. I would have taken her back if she had ever tried.
Amie is a stubborn woman. She’s kind, compassionate, and beautiful. But she’s stubborn as hell. And when she told me she didn’t want to be with me anymore, I couldn’t change her mind. Sure, I’ve often thought about what would have happened if I had come back earlier for her, but my pride and my ego were already almost dead… Begging would have put the nail in the coffin.
“How is she?” Mom asks as she sits next to me and pats my leg.
“Awake now. I’ll go back tonight. I need to shower and wanted to see my baby.” I rest Clover between my thighs and lean down to blow a raspberry on her cheek.
“She’s such a good baby, a lot like you were.”
“She’s the best.”
“Declan?”
“Yeah?”
“Look at me, dear.”
Hanging my head to avoid her as I’m about to break down, she puts her hand on my back. Mothers always know.
“I thought she was going to die, Mom,” I whisper.
“But she didn’t, and she’s not going to, so now you can tell her all the things you’ve kept bottled up all these years. You can have what you always dreamed you would even if it wasn’t how you imagined it happening.”
“What if she doesn’t give a shit about me anymore?”
“She does.”
I finally turn my head to look at her. She smiles softly and runs her fingers through the top of my hair, the way she used to when I was a kid. It immediately brings me comfort.
“Trust me, Declan. She does.”
* * *
When I arrive home, Clover is sleeping, so I take her car seat into my bathroom and set it on the floor while I shower. Deciding I don’t really give a shit, I skip shaving and get dressed, then I throw my and Clover’s dirty laundry in the washing machine.
I carefully set her in her room and close the door while I go down the hall to the room where Amie will stay. I quickly wipe the shelves down and make sure the drawers are empty. The doorbell rings, and I jog downstairs and open the door without looking because I know who it is.
“Hey. Thanks.” I take the suitcase from Mike’s hand. “Anything else?”
“Yeah, there’s another one in the car.”
“Let me grab it.”
“It’s okay. I’ve got it.”
I leave the door open and wait for the old man to carry in Amie’s other bags. If I ever wondered where she got her stubborn nature from, I just need to look at the guy walking up my steps.
“Where do you want it?”
“I’m putting her upstairs. Follow me.”
He trails behind me, and after we set her suitcases in the room, we go back downstairs. He pauses at the door, opening and closing his mouth a few times.
“It’s okay, Mike.”
“She loves you, Declan. Always has… just—”
“I’ll take care of her.”
He clasps my arm, and as strong as he can for being seventy years old, he squeezes. “I know you will.”
After I see him to his car, I peek in on a still sleeping Clover and head to Amie’s room to unpack her stuff. Opening her suitcase, I take out a stack of clothes and put them in the dresser drawer. At the bottom of the suitcase are a couple of bras and some underwear. I have the sudden urge to put them to my nose to see if she smells the same, but I realize how creepy that would be, so I shove them in the small drawer on the top row.
In the smaller suitcase, I find an e-reader and her computer along with her phone and some chargers. A box of her favorite tea and a pair of fluffy slippers. They also threw in some essentials like a razor and toothbrush. As I’m putting everything away in the bathroom, Clover starts to cry, so I go to her and carry her to the kitchen to heat up a bottle.
While it’s warming, I change her diaper and then turn the TV on to watch the news while I feed her. She drinks almost all of her bottle before I burp her. With my legs propped on the coffee table, I set her so she’s facing me.
“Hey, baby girl.”
Her gummy smile takes away all the stress, and I can’t help but lean forward and kiss her little cheeks. She holds onto my thumb while I flick through the channels.
I’m getting really tired, and Clover is super comfortable. Plus I’ve missed being home with her. Without rustling a groggy baby, I dial the number to Amie’s room that I saved to my phone.
“Hello?” she answers, sounding about as tired as I feel.
“Hey, honey. Do you need anything?”
“No. I’m good. Tired mainly. Sore.”
“I wanted to come back tonight, but Clover’s about to fall asleep for the night and—”
“It’s fine, Declan. I don’t expect you to hang around. I appreciate you wanting to be here, but it’s really not necessary.”
Before I reply, I take a breath so I don’t lose my temper. “You’ve known me a long time, right, Amie.”
“I’ve known you since we were kids, D.” The use of my nickname makes my heart clench.
“Right.”
She sighs before her voice lowers. “But we’ve missed out on almost twenty years of each other’s lives. I don’t know that I can say I know you now.”
“Let’s pretend I’m the same person you knew. The same guy you grew up with. The one who fell on his ass whenever you wanted to go ice skating or roller skating.”
Her laughter is quiet, and I smile at the welcoming sound. “Okay.”
“Now that you’re thinking of me then, did I ever do something I didn’t want to do?”
“Aside from skating, you mean?”
“No, I wanted to go skating. Even if it meant embarrassing myself because I got to see you smile. I did that because I wanted to.”
“I remember,” she whispers.
“So tell me, do you think that guy would do something twenty years later that he didn’t want to do?”
“Declan…”
“Would he, Mimi?”
“No,” she huffs. “He wouldn’t.”
“Exactly. If I want to be with you in the fucking hospital, that’s where I’ll be, regardless of what you think is necessary.” I take a breath. “I wasn’t sure if you were gonna wake up. I thought you were going to die, Amie.”
Neither of us say anything for a minute, and when I hear her yawn on the other end, I do the same. We both laugh. “If you’re sure you don’t need anything, I’ll just see you tomorrow then, okay?”
“Okay. Dec?”
“Yeah.”
“Thank you for being here.”
“Anytime, honey. Night.”
“Night.”
After I hang up with Amie, Clover and I fall asleep on the couch, but when I wake up in the middle of the night, I put her in her crib, and then I pass out face first in my bed.
The next morning, I hold my baby girl and feed her, then lie on the floor with her while we play with her toys. After about an hour, there’s a knock on the door, and I get up with Clover to open it for Charlotte.
“Hey. Hi, Clover.”
“Hi.” I give her a side arm hug and kiss the top of her head.
“You ready for me to take her?”
I look down at the precious little girl in my arms and sigh against the fine strands of strawberry blond hair. “Yeah.” I know Clover’s in good hands. It’s not going to be long before Amie’s here, so I won’t have to leave my daughter for much longer.
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I pack her stuff while Char gets her ready to go in her car seat. We walk to Char’s car together, and I secure Clover’s seat. “Be a good girl. Daddy loves you.”
As Char drives away, I put my hands on my hips and hang my head, taking a deep breath. Amie’s gonna be pissed, but I don’t care. She needs someone to take care of her, and her parents aren’t in a position to. Plus, with Larry disappearing, I’m not letting her out of my sights until that fucker is either behind bars or in dirt.
I eat a sandwich real quick, grab my phone off its charger, and then drive to the hospital. Amie’s sitting up when I walk in, and as soon as she sees me, I know her parents told her.
“Don’t even try to argue.”
She shakes her head. “Declan, I appreciate it. Really, I do. But I don’t want to be a burden on you.”
“I’m home all the time right now. I’ve been picking up a few night shifts at the pub, so it’s really no problem.”
“But there’s so much”—she fiddles with the blanket—“so much we haven’t talked about.”
“I know.” I sit on the side of her bed and hold her cold hands in mine. “But we can fix it, okay?”
“I’m sorry,” she whispers.
My index finger slides under her chin, and I tilt her head up so her watery eyes are looking at me. “Right now, you need to heal. We’ll focus on that, and when you’re better, we can have the discussion we should have had years ago, okay?”
“I can just go to my apartment.”
“Absolutely not. Larry skipped town. I’m not leaving you alone, and I’m definitely not leaving you at your parents’ place where they wouldn’t be able to help you in and out of bed.”
She starts to argue, but I shut her up by putting my finger over her soft lips. “You have three broken ribs; it’s gonna hurt like a bitch for a while.”
Her fingers wrap around my wrist, and she pulls my hand down. “Speaking from experience?”
“Yeah.”
“How’d you break yours?”
“On a rescue.”
“Oh.” I hear the hesitation in her voice and wait for her to ask what she’s afraid to. “Dec?”
“Yeah?”
“Why do you want me to stay with you? I mean, don’t you hate me?”
Before I answer her, I take a deep breath to collect myself so I make sure to say the right thing. “I care about you, Amie. Nothing could ever change that.” What I leave out is that I never stopped loving her.
Chapter 11
Amie
WHEN DECLAN CARRIES ME to my temporary room, I take advantage of it and rest my head on his shoulder. I haven’t felt this safe in a long time. Not only because of Larry, but also because Declan is the only one who has ever made me feel like everything is going to be okay. My arms hold him tight, not afraid of falling… he’d never let me fall, but I’ve missed this for almost twenty years, and I’ll be damned if I’m not going to soak it up.
When Larry was beating the shit out of me, I thought I was going to die. I’d wake up throughout the night after he left me for dead, and the only thought I had was that I’d never get to tell Declan the truth. That, when he would show up at my funeral, he’d still think I was a horrible person.
Which, in all honesty, I suppose I am. But I had good intentions. I did it for him.
He sets me down on the bed, and I reluctantly release him. When I scoot so I’m sitting up a little more, I grit my teeth together at the stabbing pain in my side.
“You can have some more pain medicine in an hour and a half.”
The short trip home exhausted me, and my eyes fight to stay open, even though I’d rather just stare at him.
“Take a nap. I’ll come back in a little while.”
He tosses a blanket over me and tucks it under my chin. Without looking back at me, he leaves and closes the door. His heavy footsteps echo as he jogs down the stairs.
As I try to fall asleep, millions of thoughts play through my mind. Scenarios about what our lives would be like if I hadn’t done what I did. Where we would be living. If we had kids, they’d probably be teenagers right now.
I smile at the thought of what our son would look like and end up dreaming about it. In my dreams, we’re happy, carefree. Peaceful.
Declan’s fingers sliding up and down my face wake me up, and he smiles at me. “You’ve been sleeping for a few hours.”
“Oh.” I try to sit up but wince at the pain.
He helps lift me and hands me a couple of pills and a glass of water. “Do you need to go to the bathroom?”
My face heats up, and he leans down and lifts me.
“I can walk.”
“Not yet,” he argues, and scoops me up bridal style.
He sets me in the bathroom and takes a step back, watching me.
“Really?” I ask with a smirk on my face. “You’re going to watch me pee?”
“I don’t want you to fall.”
“I’m fine.”
“I’ll be right outside the door.”
“Go downstairs for a minute. I won’t be able to pee if I know you’re standing there listening.”
He laughs. “You always were so paranoid about that.”
It took me forever to go to the bathroom with him in the same room. We broke up for one weekend when we were dating… Well, I dumped him for reasons that made sense at the time. I was a teenager so afraid of the feelings I was having. Confused and scared. When we got back together, we eventually stayed at hotels some nights, and I finally had to bite the bullet and pee where he could hear me.
I just shrug, my bladder not happy with the delay of releasing itself, but I could never pee in front of him, ever. Gross.
“I’ll be back in a few.”
He shuts the door behind him, and I quickly take care of business and then wash my hands. He’s not back yet, so I open the door and start to waddle back to the room.
“You stubborn girl.” He scoops me up and gently cradles me then carries me back to the bed. “Stay put.”
The gray sweats he’s wearing hug his ass, and I watch it move as he walks down the hallway. Reaching over to the nightstand, I grab my phone to check my email and respond to my boss, who was checking on me.
Dec returns with a tray, and the aroma of chicken noodle soup fills the air. He puts the tray over me and sits next to me on the bed.
“Thank you.”
“No problem.”
He grabs a sandwich off the tray and turns the TV on, stopping on the Weather Channel. We watch in silence, and when I’m done with my soup, he lifts my tray and sets it on the floor. I slide down in bed, drowsy from the pain meds, and Dec pulls the blanket up to my chin.
My neck tightens at the position it’s in, so I angle it to the right, only to move it back a second later. After doing that a few times, Dec growls then slides his arm under my neck and pulls me to him so I’m resting on his chest.
My arm wraps around his flat, hard stomach, and I grip the mattress to prevent myself from mauling him. His steady heartbeat is like a freaking symphony to me, and my eyes close to absorb the sound fully. He twirls my hair, and I fight back the emotion clawing its way out.
I become more tired, and my breathing starts to slow down. Fighting the sleep because I want to feel his warmth and his arms around me, I open my eyes.
“Go to sleep,” he whispers. “I’m not going anywhere.”
* * *
The next couple of weeks go by with Declan keeping true to his word. He waits on me hand and foot. When Clover’s awake, he’ll bring her to the room and the three of us will sit in my bed and hang out. I love watching him interact with her. He’s so natural. I’ve been sleeping a lot too, but that also means I’m healing. I’m getting stronger every day, and it doesn’t hurt to walk anymore. I finish my antibiotics but still take my pain pills when needed.
He’s spent a lot of time in my room. We watch TV and talk about mundane things, getting to know each other again. Discussing things like pop
culture, new technology, and people from high school. Neither one of us brings up the past, though, which I’m grateful for. It’s nice just to be with him again like we used to.
As I go to bed, I pass his room and take a step backward to look at his bed. His small, twin-size… no, he’s too big for that, a double maybe. But definitely not a queen like I’m sleeping on. Weird. I’ll have to tell him he should take back the bed I’m sleeping in so he doesn’t have to sleep on the small one anymore.
I go to use the bathroom, and after I do my business, I look at myself in the mirror and gulp at the unruly mess staring back at me.
I run my fingers through my hair and lean even closer to look at my eyes. The blue in them is lighter, and even though I’ve been beaten and some yellowish color tinges my face in places, I look… relieved.
What am I doing? What are we doing? How can I actually be at peace with myself right now… I’m acting like this is normal, like me being here isn’t a huge mistake. He’s been so kind to me and I don’t deserve it.
After taking a breath, I quickly finish up as best I can and grab my shoes and purse from the closet then head downstairs. He’s feeding Clover on the couch and looks at me in question.
“Can I borrow your car keys, please?”
“Why?”
“I need to go to the store.”
He wipes some formula off her chin and shakes his head. “I’ll go. What do you need?”
“No, I can go. It’d do me good to get out for a little bit. I’m going stir-crazy.” I laugh, but he knows me too well and realizes I’m lying. I need to get away from him. I need some space. He’s making me think things could be different, and I just need to freaking breathe for a minute. I need to take a breath without him watching me do it. Plus, I really don’t want him to go for me.
“What do you need, Amie?”
I shrug like it’s not a big deal, “Just some stuff.”
“What do you need? I’ll go and get it.”
“Declan,” I growl.
“You’re still on pain meds; it’s not safe for you to be driving on them.”
I look at him dead on, and with a straight face, I tell him, “I need Vagisil.”