Give Me This (It's Kind Of Personal Book 6)

by Anna Brooks

  About ten minutes later, she rounds the corner to the kitchen with a suitcase in each hand.

  “What the fuck?” I snap.

  She lifts her chin to give off an air of confidence I know she doesn’t feel. “I appreciate everything you’ve done, Declan. I know it couldn’t have been easy to allow me back into your life, but I’m better now, and it’s time for me to go.”

  “Easy? You think it wasn’t easy allowing you back into my life?” I set my coffee cup down and stalk toward her. She swallows and looks away from me, but I grip her chin and force her eyes on me. “It was fucking misery, Amie. Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to be in the same house as you and keep my hands off you? Fuck, being in the same state, let alone city, as you, I had to talk myself out of running to you at least a dozen times a day. I stayed away from my family for seventeen years because of you. I avoided this town like the plague because I knew the moment I saw you again, I would fucking crumple like the weak bastard I am.”

  Her eyes blink rapidly to push the tears away, and she tries to shake her head. “You’re not weak. You’re the strongest person I know.”

  “Not when it comes to you.”

  She looks at me; her eyes dance over my face, searching for something. “I don’t know why you don’t hate me.”

  “Because I fucking love you.”

  “Why?” Her voice gets louder. “After what I told you I did? You shouldn’t have wanted anything to do with me ever again. You were supposed to hate me and move on with your life. You were supposed to leave and be happy.”

  I balk at her accusation. How could she think that? “You were my happy, honey.”

  A tear trickles out of her eye and slides down, landing on my thumb. “I don’t deserve you. I didn’t then, and I definitely don’t now.”

  “Neither of us deserves to be miserable, Mimi. I understood that something happened and pulled you away from me, but whatever it was, I can make it up to you because—”

  Her suitcases crash to the floor, and she grabs my wrist and yanks it away from her face. “How the hell can you even feel the slightest bit of responsibility for what I said?”

  “What you did, Amie.”

  Her eyes dart away.

  “Amie?”

  She crosses her arms and taps her foot nervously.

  “Amie Lee.” She’s hiding something. “Now’s as good a time as any to fucking tell me whatever the hell it is that you’re hiding.”

  Clover’s piercing cry from her room makes us both freeze momentarily before we bolt up the stairs. When I charge into her room, I find my baby girl bright red with a sheen of sweat across her forehead.

  “Baby girl, what’s the matter?” I pick her up and take off the long-sleeve pajama set, hoping to cool her off a bit. She settles slightly but remains irritable, pounding her little fists against me.

  “Is she hungry?” Amie asks. “I’ll go heat her up a bottle.”

  I nod in acknowledgment and head to the changing table to see if she has a soiled diaper that may be bothering her. When I find it only slightly wet, my concern rises, and I take her temperature then put a clean diaper on her.

  “Does she have a fever?”

  “Yeah, one-oh-one, so not horrible, but I don’t like it.”

  Amie hands me her bottle, and I sit in the rocker then try to feed Clover, but she’s not having any of it. She spits at me and rocks her head as her crying gets louder. A nasty cough forms in the back of her throat, and I sit her up and pat her back.

  “Do you have any Tylenol?”

  “Should I give it to her?” I panic at the thought of giving the wrong dose or her having a reaction to the medication.

  “Yeah, Dec. If she’s got a fever, let’s try to get it down, okay?”

  “’Kay.” I stand, but Amie puts a hand on my shoulder.

  “Just sit with her. I’ll get it. Is it in the bathroom?”

  “Yeah. The cabinet above the sink.”

  Clover’s cough makes me look down at her again, and I bounce a little to try to soothe her. Her skin is clammy, and trepidation runs through me. What the hell do I do? I don’t know how to take care of a sick baby. Should I take her to the hospital? Do I lay her down or sit her up? Should I put clothes back on her?

  When Amie walks back in, she takes in my worried expression and gently smiles. “She’ll be okay. Here.” She uses the suction and squeezes the medicine into Clover’s mouth.

  “Is that the right dose? What does it say the side effects are?”

  “Declan,”—she places her hand on my forearm—“relax. If we can’t get her fever down or if she gets worse, you can call the doctor.”

  I’m not convinced she shouldn’t go now. “Maybe we should just call now. She’s only four months old. What if—”

  “If the medicine doesn’t help her fever, we’ll call, okay. Let’s give it a little while.”

  “How long?”

  “An hour or so?”

  “That’s a long time to let her be in pain. What if it gets worse?”

  “D, calm down.”

  At the sound of my nickname, I whip my eyes over to Amie and find her just as surprised as me.

  “Okay,” I murmur.

  “Okay.”

  I sit in the rocker again and try feeding her, and this time, she calms a bit. I run my fingers against her forehead and cheeks, wishing I could take whatever pain she has away. Her eyes become heavy, and I breathe a sigh of relief.

  I look up from my sleeping baby girl and see Amie sitting cross-legged on the ground, watching me. She smiles and gives a thumbs-up. “She fell asleep,” she whispers.

  Carefully, I lay Clover in the crib, and Amie gently touches her forehead. Amie leaves the room, but I stand over her crib for a moment, making sure that she stays asleep and appears comfortable. When a little time goes by and she doesn’t stir, I leave her door cracked and head downstairs to find Amie sitting on the couch cross-legged, her concentration on the birds through the window outside.

  She jumps when I sit next to her, then she turns toward me and looks me straight in the eyes. “I never cheated on you.”

  Chapter 13

  Amie

  “WHAT?” DECLAN GROWLS.

  “I lied.”

  “Look at me.”

  I wipe my tears before they fall, and I turn to him. His eyes hold so much confusion it rips at my heart. “I’m sorry.”

  “Amie, what the fuck?”

  “I just wanted you to know. I loved you, I always did, but I never betrayed you like that. I would never, could never do that to you.”

  He stands and paces the room then stops abruptly and points at me. “Why the fuck did you tell me you did, then? Was it some stupid fucking game to you? Toying with me or some shit?”

  “No, never. I was… scared, and I didn’t know how to tell you.”

  “Scared of what?” he shouts.

  “Everything. Me leaving my parents, us, finding a job. Everything.”

  “You didn’t think to say ‘Declan, I’m scared’?” He mocks me and runs his fingers across the top of his head.

  “I didn’t want you to miss out on your career because I was afraid to leave. I knew you’d think you needed to stay here with me.”

  “Newsflash, Amie, I didn’t really have a fucking say where I was going, anyway. It’s not like I could have changed it. I had orders in boot camp, and I signed a four-year contract. You knew that then.”

  “But if I hadn’t wanted to move away, then you would have come home early.”

  “After my four years was up?” He shrugs, like changing his entire life plan because of me is no big deal. “Yeah, you were where I wanted to be. Why the fuck wouldn’t you have brought this up earlier, Amie? Christ.”

  “I didn’t want that, Declan. I didn’t want you not to fulfill your dream because of me. I didn’t want it then, and I don’t want it now.” Having a family was always a dream of his, too. “I made you walk away once because I was too selfish
, but now I’m walking away because I’m not. You don’t need me complicating your life. You have a beautiful daughter who needs you, and I don’t want to get in the way of that. I’m sorry.”

  A knock on the door causes his eyes to squint at it and his jaw tightens even more.

  I get off the couch and grab my suitcases, then I set them down to open the door. A weak smile from my father greets me, and he reaches in to take a bag from me as I follow him to his car. I don’t look back at Declan, but I know I’m doing the right thing. Our past is too raw; I hurt him too bad for him to ever forgive me enough for us to have a healthy relationship now.

  “You okay?” Dad asks as we pull away.

  Instead of answering, I nod and look out the window. Knowing I’m probably making another one of the worst mistakes of my life is a hard pill to swallow. I should have just told him the truth… all of it. But I wanted him to at least know I wasn’t unfaithful. The rest of it, well, it’s just semantics. He’s happy now. His daughter makes his face light up, but when he sees me, shadows that I put there years ago cross his eyes. He’ll never be able to move on from that no matter what he says.

  Dad takes me back to the house where I’m happy to find Mom is away at book club. I know she’d look at me sith disappointment.

  Dad sighs and shakes his head. “You’re too stubborn for your own good, and for what it’s worth, I think you’re making a mistake. Again,” he mumbles the last word under his breath.

  “I know I am, but I don’t want to cause him any more pain than I already have, and every time he looks at me, I see it. He’ll always look at me and see the girl who broke his heart and ultimately kept him away from his family.”

  He’ll always look at me and see a liar and someone who fucked up his life and caused years and years of heartbreak and pain. When he was inside me, I thought maybe we could be okay for a brief moment afterward, but… it all became clear that it wasn’t going to be okay. It never will, and the best way I can think of to fix it is to leave him alone. So that’s what I’ll do.

  For the last two days, I’ve stayed in my old room, wallowing in my own misery. I realize it’s not healthy or conducive for healing, but it’s all I can manage to do. This morning I go back to work for the start of a new week. They haven’t found Larry yet, so I’m extra cautious of my surroundings. When I walk out of the school after my workday is over, I notice Declan’s friend Nik immediately. I walk over to him and tilt my head up to look into his eyes.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “Dec wanted me to make sure you got home okay.”

  I sigh and cross my arms. “I don’t need you to do that.”

  “I agree with him. Larry’s still around somewhere, and until he’s found, you shouldn’t be alone.” The authority in his voice makes me take a step back.

  “I’m not alone; I’m staying with my parents. Tell Declan I’ll be fine.”

  “Not budging on this, Amie.”

  “Fine. I’ll tell him then.” I pull out my phone and start to dial his number that he conveniently snuck in while I was staying with him.

  “His phone doesn’t work in the hospital.”

  I press end when Nik’s voice and Declan’s voicemail talk at the same time.

  “What?”

  “Clover’s sick. He’s been there for two nights with her.”

  Since I left.

  My heart drops in my chest, and I frantically dig through my purse for my keys. “What hospital?”

  “Why? You suddenly give a shit?”

  I still at his hostility. “I always gave a shit, Nik.”

  He shakes his head and squares his dark eyes on me. “Don’t fuck with him anymore, Amie. He can’t deal with it right now.”

  “I won’t. I promise.”

  “I’m telling you this because I know he’ll feel better if he knows you’re okay.”

  “Fine.” I swallow and pull out my keys.

  “Follow me.”

  I run to my car and stay close to Nik on the way to the hospital. At a red light, I call my mom and tell her I won’t be home for a while. As soon as we park, I hurry in behind Nik. We round the corner to the waiting room, and Declan’s whole family sits there.

  Meara stands, pregnant belly and all, and gets in my face. “Why are you here?”

  “I wanted to see him and make sure Clover’s okay.” Because I fucking love him. I love her.

  “Why? So you can stomp on his heart a little more, you selfish bitch.”

  “Princess, calm down.” Her husband, Liam, pulls her away and gives me a sympathetic smile.

  Pierce comes up and nods at Nik. Nik walks out the way we came in, and I wring my fingers in front of myself. “They’re waiting for the doctor to come in. If you’d like to go see him, I’ll show you to their room.”

  “Please.”

  He leads me to a room down the hallway, and I sign in and take a visitor sticker from the nurse’s station then wash my hands before he points to a room.

  “Thank you.”

  I take a step toward the closed door, but Pierce calling my name halts me. I turn to look at him.

  “He loves you. I don’t know details, and I don’t want to, but I do want my brother to stay. He was the one to leave last time. So if you don’t fix this, maybe it’d be best if you were the one who left this time.”

  Guess my self-defense lessons aren’t an option anymore.

  He turns around and walks back down the hallway while I stand, hurt and tore up that he essentially gave me an ultimatum. Can I blame him, though? No. Not one bit. I hate myself for what I did, and I need to make it right. I need to stop being so fucking selfish and give Declan a little more credit. I’ll tell him the truth and go from there. If he still wants me, I’ll fix us. If not, Pierce is right… I’ll leave.

  But first, I need to see Clover. I might act indifferent, but I’m already in love with her. In love with the idea I could actually mean something to her. I’ve lived far too long knowing I’ll never have a child of my own. I don’t want to get too attached and then have Dec realize he hates me and take her away.

  I quietly knock on the door and open it, finding Declan in a chair next to a hospital crib with Clover sleeping inside. “Hey,” I whisper.

  A moment of shock registers on his face before it turns to confusion, then relief. “Hi.”

  “How is she?” I close the door behind me and walk over to the side opposite him.

  “Better.”

  “What happened?”

  “After you left, she just got worse. Coughing, fever. I called the doctor, and they said to bring her in. She has RSV, a respiratory virus, but she’s much better now. Hopefully, we get to go home soon.”

  God, he looks so tired.

  “I’m glad she’s better.”

  She stirs, and we both look down at her. A faint cough leaves her, and Declan tenses, but as soon as she takes a heavy sigh and falls back asleep, he relaxes.

  Feeling awkward and out of place, I clear my throat quietly. “Do you need anything?”

  He whips his scrutiny from Clover to me, the intensity still there but for a different reason. “Yes.”

  “What do you need?”

  “Something I—”

  The door swings open and shoes click on the tile floor. Declan stands, and I turn to see a familiar face.

  “Hi, Dr. Lawson.” Declan greets him.

  The doctor shakes his hand and nods at me, focusing his attention back to Clover. As he examines her and pulls up notes on the computer, I drag my feet as slowly and quietly as I can away and into the corner. Memories fight. Intertwine. Claw.

  “I’m very sorry, Amie. The treatment didn’t work.”

  “We’re left with one final option.”

  “Surgery.”

  Clover’s cry makes my throat clog, and I fall back into the wall, shaking the get-well cards on the shelf. Declan glances at me, and his brows draw together in confusion as I try to regain my composure.

 
Dr. Lawson’s words sound muffled as he’s giving Declan instructions. Dec’s attention is on the doctor, but he keeps glancing at me… I’m obviously not doing a good job of feigning indifference. The doctor shakes Declan’s hand and looks at me.

  No.

  “Amie, it’s good to see you. What has it been… fifteen years? How are you?”

  “Good,” I mumble. “How are you?”

  “I’m excellent, and I’m pleased that little Ms. Clover here gets to go home. Take care.” He walks to the door and looks at Dec one more time. “Call if you have any concerns, okay?”

  “Will do. Thanks, Doc.”

  As soon as the door closes, Declan and I talk at the same time.

  “How do you know him?”

  “I’m so glad she gets to go home.”

  I pause and take a breath then repeat what I just said.

  “Don’t avoid my question.”

  I open my mouth to lie because that’s what comes naturally when it comes to talking about the past with him. “He was—”

  “Well,”—Meara bounds into the room, spunky despite chewing me out in the waiting room and being ready to burst—“you guys get to go home?”

  Dec gives me a look, clearly telling me we’re not done with this conversation, and nods at his sister. “Yep. Just waiting for the nurse to bring the discharge papers.”

  “Yay!” She jumps up and down and claps her hands then leans over the crib and kisses the forehead of a now awake Clover.

  “Meara can you tell everyone to go home? You guys don’t need to sit out there. I’m fine. I’ve got it.”

  “I know you do, but we can help you load everything into the car and get settled at home.”

  He looks at me then back to his sister. “Amie can help me with that.”

  Meara doesn’t spare me a glance but crosses her arms over her chest. “Dec, you don’t need to deal with her shit right now.”

  He glares at his sister. “Don’t tell me what I need.”

  “You should be focusing on Clover, not some bitch who—”

  “Meara, I love you with all my heart, but I do not need to hear your attitude right now. What’s happening between Amie and me is between us.” His tone leaves no room for argument.