by Allison Sipe
“I don’t know, Robert,” I sighed and removed his hand from my face. “I just, I don’t know who I am anymore.” I kept my voice low, not wanting to really say the words aloud. I swallowed the lump in my throat and took a deep breath.
He didn’t say anything, but patiently waited for me to continue.
“Everything I’ve learned since I was attacked...it’s just too much,” I said. “Nothing is what I thought it was; nothing in my life has been real.”
The kettle rattled on the stove.
“How am I supposed to deal with any of this?” My voice rose in utter frustration as I pushed away from Robert’s intoxicating touch.
Steam slowly rose from the kettle.
“I never asked for any of this!” I yelled and started pacing. “I don’t want to know anymore, I just want things to go back to how they were!”
The kettle screamed and shook.
I stomped over to the stove and turned off the burner. Slowly the screaming turned to a whisper and the jet of hot steam settled to a calm haze.
“I’m so sorry, Violet,” Robert said, his eyes on the floor.
“It’s not your fault,” I replied and exhaled heavily, feeling guilty for letting my emotions boil over. It wasn’t true that I wanted everything to go back to the way it was.
“Still, I’m very sorry. All of this is a lot to put on a person.”
I pulled two tea bags from the pantry along with a small bottle of whiskey and plucked a lemon from the refrigerator.
“It’s not that, it’s just…” I sighed, not knowing how to explain everything I was feeling. “I feel like I’m learning about someone else’s life.” I put the tea bags in the cups and poured the water over them. “And it’s not just because you came into my life with Magic. Even before I knew you, everything I thought was real, every memory, I just found out it was all a lie. I don’t know who I am anymore.” Pulling a knife from the block by the stove, I began to cut a wedge out of the lemon.
“You are who you are because of everything you’ve been through. That hasn’t changed,” Robert insisted.
“Yes it has. Everything I thought I went through, everything I thought I dealt with, it wasn’t real; it didn’t happen.”
“What do you mean?” Robert crossed his arms and propped himself against the stove.
I sighed and poured a dollop of whiskey into my glass and squeezed the lemon wedge into the steaming liquid. “Warm your cup?” I asked, holding up the bottle.
“Violet…” Robert gave me a disapproving frown.
“Don’t judge me. Do you want some or not?”
“Just a drop.”
Pouring a healthy amount into his cup I handed the mug to him.
“Thank you,” he said and took a sip. “Now, what do you mean none of it really happened?”
“My aunt. She told me… well, she showed me my memories. Memories of things I have no recollection of. I sipped my tea as well, tasting its warm bitterness. I felt the liquid making its way to my stomach, warming my chest and sending a wave of calmness through my body.
“You mean someone altered your memories?”
“Yeah, you know about that?” I raised my eyebrow, only half surprised.
“Of course I do. But it takes very powerful magic to alter someone’s mind.”
“She said the same thing.” I turned and walked into the living room.
I heard Robert’s footsteps on the carpet behind me but he didn’t say anything. Taking another sip of my tea I grabbed the blanket hanging off the back of the loveseat and made my way to the couch. Robert made his way around me and moved his makeshift bed out of the way for me to sit. Curling my legs underneath me I threw the blanket over my feet and rested my cup on my knee. I’d spent many nights curled up like this, a nightcap warming my fingers. Those moments were peaceful, almost serene and usually enhanced with a good book. But I found no comfort in that familiar spot, and suddenly tasted more bitter than sweet from the drink in my hand.
“What did she show you?” Sitting beside me he left almost a whole cushion between us. A small piece of me didn’t like the distance but I ignored it.
“A few of the memories were of my parents using Magic in front of me. My mother didn’t want me to be exposed to Magic. She thought that if she kept me from the Magical world I’d be spared.” I laughed without humor. So much for that.
“It was wishful thinking at best. Prophecies aren’t made lightly,” Robert sounded apologetic, but I knew he understood how futile my parents’ efforts had been.
“What else did she show you?” he asked when I didn’t say anything.
Looking at him I wished he could see what was in my head so I wouldn’t have to say it out loud. I took a large sip of tea, letting the whiskey give me courage. The warmth coated my throat and moved swiftly down my torso. My head spun as the whiskey burned in my chest.
I took a deep breath and exhaled. “She showed me how my parents really died,” I said and pulled the blanket more fully over my legs.
“I'm so sorry,” he said and reached out to squeeze my foot. I felt his touch burning through the blanket.
“I understand why she altered the memory. It was the right thing to do.”
“It’s never the right thing to do." His voice was stern and the little wrinkle between his eyebrows appeared as he furrowed his brow.
If only he could see in my head, he would understand what my Aunt did for me.
“Do you know the truth about how they died?” I asked.
“No, I only know they died when you were young. No one’s ever elaborated more on the topic.”
“They were murdered.” I paused as tears stung my eyes and threatened to spill over. “Because of me.” A single tear escaped and rolled down my cheek. I quickly wiped it away.
Robert didn’t say anything. He grabbed my hand and held it in his.
“I was the one who found them,” I continued, “when I got home from school.”
“Violet, you don’t have to do this. You don’t have to tell me,” Robert said and moved closer.
“Yes I do.” Another tear fell from my eye. Robert gently wiped the tear away and let his hand rest on my shoulder. “I could still feel the Magic when I found them. The air was thick with it. The killer wanted to send a message. There was blood everywhere."
Pausing I took another sip of my tea as I summoned the last bit of my courage.
“I spent the night at a friend’s house the night before,” I explained. “That’s when it happened. My aunt said she stopped looking ahead for my parents because they didn’t want to know when they would die, but I wonder if they knew. I wonder if that’s why they sent me to my friend’s house for the night, to protect me.” I pulled the blanket tighter around me, suddenly feeling cold despite the tea. “I was in shock. I walked over to their bodies and sat in their blood, not knowing what to do. I never cried, I just sat with them until my aunt showed up and called the police. She tried to get me to talk for days but I wouldn’t say anything. So finally she altered my memory and I grew up thinking I’d lost my parents in a car accident. I even thought I gave a speech at their funeral, but it was all a lie. They were murdered and it was all my fault.”
Unable to fight it anymore, I let myself cry.
“Listen to me. None of this is your fault. Look at me,” Robert insisted, taking my face in his hand and pulling it up so I’d lock with his eyes. “Your parents’ death is not your fault.”
“But they died because I was their daughter,” I sniffled and wiped my nose with the back of my hand.
“Your parents, whether they wanted to admit it or not, knew who you’d become. They died protecting you so that you could fulfill your destiny. The only person who can accept fault for their death is the person who killed them.”
“But if I’d never been born-“
“You were meant to be born to them. Your soul chose them. When they found out who you were they could have given you up to be protected and hidden away but
they didn’t. They chose to keep you and care for you themselves. They knew the consequences of their actions but you were worth it. You can’t blame yourself, do you understand me?”
“But-”
“Do you understand me?” he asked with fierce determination.
I looked at him for a long moment, letting myself get lost in the haze of the whiskey. How could I make him understand that maybe if I had died instead of my parents, everyone would be better off?
Tears streamed down my face as the pain of their death gripped me. Robert took the teacup from my hand and set it on the table next to his. He pulled me to his chest and let the grief consume me.
I don’t know how long we stayed like that but as my tears started to fade exhaustion swept over me. Letting everything out did make me feel a little better. I’d been holding so much in lately that my heart was a tangled mess. I still felt guilty for my parents’ death and I was still overwhelmed by the Magical world. But after today, I was finally ready to accept that all of this is real. I guess that means I’m not in Kansas anymore, I thought with a wry smile.
I pulled away from Robert and sighed heavily. “I think I’m ready to sleep now,” I said.
“I’ll say. You smell like a distillery,” he teased.
“Not nice.” I stood up and nearly lost my balance.
Robert grabbed hold of my waist to steady me. “Come on, let’s get you to bed.”
I thought about protesting his help but my head was starting to spin a little. “Let’s,” I said as we walked toward my bedroom.
Robert helped me into bed and threw the covers over me. The sheets were cold and I shivered a little. I closed my eyes as Robert started to shut the door and my parents’ faces flashed across my vision.
“Robert?” I chirped against my better judgment. This was a horrible idea but I couldn’t stand being alone all night.
“Yeah?” he said, poking his head back in.
“Will you…will you stay with me tonight?”
He hesitated in the doorway. “Violet, I…”
“I just don’t want to be alone. I can’t stop the memories,” I said under my breath.
He sighed and closed the door.
“Do you have an extra blanket?” He asked.
“Yeah, in the chest.” I pointed toward the foot of the bed.
He pulled a quilt out of the chest and laid down on top of the duvet next to me then threw the quilt over himself.
“I’m right here if you need me,” he said and settled into bed.
“Thank you.”
Darkness concealed all but the faintest outline of his face. I smiled knowing I was safe with him here next to me and with that little surety in my mind my anxiety faded a little.
I laid down on my side with my back to him. His steady breathing was like the tide moving in and out. With each breath he took my eyes grew heavy. I tried to keep them open so I could enjoy the calmness of the moment but I couldn’t fight it any longer. My eyelids felt like barbells and I gave way to exhaustion. This time I saw my parents just as I’d remembered them: loving and alive.
Chapter 14
Somewhere between reality and dreams I heard what sounded like a blunt object banging against wood. I stirred and lifted the covers to my chin as I tried to chase the wispy edges of my fading dream.
“Violet,” a warm voice whispered, “someone’s at the door.”
My eyes shot open and I lifted my head up to find Robert looking down at me, a smile on his face. I must have rolled over at some point in the night because I was now lying on top of him. My arm lay across his chest and his arm was wrapped around my lower back. Blood rushed to my cheeks as I sat up and pushed away from him.
“Sorry,” I said, clearing my throat as I shuffled to the other side of the bed. The sheets felt cold from the lack of body heat and I fought the urge to roll back into his warm arms.
The same voice from my dreams yelled again and the doorbell buzzed, dashing away any hope of five more minutes of sleep.
“Alright, alright, I’m up,” I grumbled. I pulled myself out of bed and went to open the door.
“Where the hell have you been?” Becky asked and stormed right in.
“What're you talking about?” I asked while rubbing my eyes, still half asleep.
“I’ve left you a million messages. I thought something happened to you.”
“Messages… shit, my phone!” I walked over to my purse on the table and started digging. “I'm sorry, Beck, I’ve just been really busy with this project.” I pulled my phone out. It was dead.
“I’ll say,” Becky replied. The tone of her voice caught me off-guard and I turned to find her staring at Robert, who had clearly just rolled out of bed, my bed.
“I can explain.” I hated how cliché I sounded.
“Uh huh,” Becky mumbled, raising an eyebrow in my direction.
“I’m going to make some coffee,” Robert said, excusing himself.
“You better dish,” Becky said as soon as Robert was out of earshot.
I sighed and motioned her to the living room. How was I going to explain to her what was going on when I couldn’t tell her the truth? I wanted to tell her about my parents, about what really happened to them. I didn’t want to lie to her again - I just couldn't do that to her. Maybe if I stayed away from anything Magical I could tell her just enough without having to lie.
“It’s kind of a long story,” I began as we sat on the couch.
“I’ve got time,” Becky replied.
“It’s not what it looks like.”
“You said that.” She rolled her eyes, wanting me to get to the point.
“I’m serious. He was just comforting me.”
“Oh, is that what you call it now?”
“Knock it off, I’m being serious.”
“Okay, what was he comforting you about?” Her eyes went up and down as she searched me suspiciously.
“My parents.”
“Your parents?” She balked.
“Yeah, turns out they didn’t die in a car accident.” The initial shock had worn off and even though I was still upset about what had happened, I was better equipped to deal with it after my breakdown last night.
“What do you mean? What happened to them?” Becky asked.
I was dabbling in dangerous waters. How much could I tell her without giving anything else away? I had to keep the Magical parts secret, but I wanted to stick as close to the truth as possible.
“They were murdered,” I said, my eyes closed as I took a solemn breath.
“What!” Becky exclaimed as she gaped at me.
“It was a robbery, at our house.” It wasn’t exactly the truth. Their murderer did break in and kill them but not with the intention of robbing the house.
“On my God, Violet. I’m so sorry,” she said, wrapping her arms around me. “Are you okay? I mean, of course you're not okay, but how are you dealing?” She pulled away from me and her loving expression nearly made me lose it all over again.
Robert walked into the room with two cups of coffee. He handed one to me and offered the other to Becky.
“Thank you,” I said, feeling the warmth of the dark liquid radiate through the ceramic mug.
“No thanks, I’ve already had enough caffeine this morning,” Becky said and waved him off.
Robert kept the second cup for himself and sat down on the loveseat to the right of us.
“I’m dealing the best I can. I mean, it doesn’t change the fact that they’re gone,” I noted.
“Do you know who killed them?” Becky asked.
My eye flickered to Robert for half a second. I did know but how was I supposed to explain that to her. “There are a few leads,” I sighed and admitted.
“And how do you fit into all this?” Becky asked, looking over at Robert.
“My family stumbled upon Violet and the truth about her parents,” he explained. That was mostly true, I thought, taking a sip of my coffee. They did stumble upon me. He was
much better at telling careful truths than I was. “When I told her, well, you can imagine her reaction, so I offered to stay with her if she didn’t want to be alone.”
“You should have called me,” Becky lamented as she turned back to me. She didn’t like being out of the loop. “Although, I can see why you didn’t,” she added under her breath as she tilted her head toward Robert.
Leave it to Becky to lighten the mood with sex. Looking at Robert over the top of my coffee cup a small smile spread across his face as he took a sip.
“I know I should have called you. I’ve just been so preoccupied with my parents and with this rush project I’ve been working on the past few days. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. I’d forget about me too in your… err… situation.”
“Still, I didn’t mean to make you worry.”
Becky waved off my apology and added, “I’ve been trying to get a hold of you because I wanted to make sure you didn’t forget about the Yosemite trip this weekend.”
Every year Becky, myself and a couple of our girlfriends took a trip to Yosemite before the summer was over. It was nice to get away from the city, even if only for a couple of days.
“Damn, that’s right.” When it rains it pours, I thought. I had so much going on right now with the winery shoot and the sudden emergence of the Magical world the Yosemite trip never even entered my mind.
“Thanks, I did forget about it," I said, glancing at Robert.
“Well you can’t bail. Christy will kill you if she has to hear from me about your preoccupations.”
“I'm not bailing, I just need to get some things done faster than I had planned.” I knew that now was probably not the time for a trip but a part of me relished the thought of getting away from everything.
I sighed, if not for editing pictures yesterday morning before my life had blown up I’d be way behind schedule.
“Alright, well now that I know you’re still alive, I’ll let you get back to whatever it was you were doing,” Becky said and stood up. Robert and I both stood as well.