by HC Warner
Jo shook her head. ‘I can’t do up my zip.’ Her voice sounded childlike to her own ears.
Emma’s eyes filled and she nodded her understanding. ‘I’ll do it.’ She came into the room and reached out a hand to Jo, helping her to her feet. She finished doing up the zip and gently turned Jo around to face her. ‘You’ll feel better when today’s over.’
Jo tried to smile but found her mouth simply wouldn’t cooperate. ‘I hope you’re right but I’m not so sure, Em. I don’t think I’ll ever feel better again.’
Emma gave her a quick hug.
‘I just feel sick to my stomach all the time,’ Jo continued. ‘And I’m dreading today.’
Emma sighed and nodded. ‘I know. We all are.’
‘Is Ben here yet?’
Emma shook her head. ‘No, but he’ll be here very soon.’
As she spoke, Jo heard the crunch of wheels on the gravel driveway. She walked over to the window and looked down in time to see Ben’s new SUV pulling up. He got out and lifted Elodie from the back seat. Jo’s heart leaped at the sight of the little girl, so much like her mother and already so changed in the short time since she last saw her.
Her throat constricted at the realization that that visit was the final time Peter had seen her. Elodie would never see him again; would never know him as she grew up, except through photos and stories. The physical pain was almost too much to bear. ‘But that’s the circle of life, isn’t it?’ she murmured to herself. ‘As one life ends, another is just beginning.’
Emma came to stand beside her and put an arm around her shoulders. She followed Jo’s gaze and they both smiled as Bella scooped Elodie out of Ben’s arms and lifted her above her head, blowing raspberries on her belly and eliciting squeals of delight from her.
Emma steered Jo out of the bedroom and down the stairs. She opened the front door and her spirits were lifted again by the sight of Ben, looking tall and handsome in his slim black suit. He pulled Jo into a huge bear hug and held her in his embrace for several seconds. As the tears threatened, Jo blinked hard and tried to smile at Bella. ‘Hello, Bella.’
Bella looked slightly uncomfortable and distracted herself by rocking Elodie gently from side to side. ‘Hello, Jo. I’m sorry about Peter.’ Her words sounded clipped and forced.
‘Thank you.’ Jo tried to give a weak smile but found she couldn’t speak and turned away abruptly, not wanting Elodie to see her cry.
They all made their way down the wide flag-stoned hallway into the kitchen, where they sat on stools around the large, granite-topped island. Emma bustled about briskly, making tea and coffee and running through the order of the funeral. Jo knew that for Emma, in particular, being busy was the only way she could cope, whereas Jo found it almost impossible to concentrate, her brain too muddled and full to take it in. She decided she would just let Ben and Emma take the lead and try to get through the day as best she could.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, they heard the cars arriving. With a struggle, Jo got to her feet, her whole body shaking with fear and adrenaline. Unsure whether she would actually be able to make it to the door, she instinctively reached for Ben’s arm.
Ben looked down at her in concern. ‘Are you OK, Mum?’
Jo took a deep breath. No, she wasn’t OK, she wanted to scream. She would never be OK again but there was absolutely nothing anyone could do about it. ‘Yes,’ she lied. ‘My legs are just a bit shaky, that’s all.’
Ben nodded sympathetically and tightened his grip on her. Behind them, Elodie started to cry. Ben turned back towards Bella, who was following them down the hallway with the baby in her arms. ‘Shhhh, don’t cry, sweetie,’ he soothed.
‘She’s a baby, Ben,’ Bella snapped. ‘That’s what babies do!’
Ben frowned slightly but didn’t reply. Instead, he led Jo out to the driveway where the hearse and the family car were waiting. The two of them pulled up sharply at the sight of the coffin and Ben let out a guttural moan, before putting his hand over his mouth. Jo knew she should offer him some words of comfort but she was too numb. Too exhausted by grief. It all felt so surreal, as if she was watching someone else going through the worst day of their life.
Emma came to hold Jo’s other hand, while the undertaker opened the car door for them. Jo looked at her gratefully. She was being so strong and so capable but Jo knew that the enormity of losing her father hadn’t hit her yet. She distractedly hoped that the stress of it wouldn’t trigger the anorexia that had first become apparent in her late teens and had dogged her at difficult times ever since.
Emma and Peter had been so close and he had been unbelievably proud of the young woman she had grown into. She was kind and funny and hugely successful, having graduated from Oxford with a double first before seamlessly carving out a career for herself as an international lawyer.
Being such a high achiever, she had concentrated first on her studies and then on her career, to the detriment of any kind of meaningful relationship, although she got lots of offers. Peter had often told her that it was all very well working hard but she needed to make sure she played hard, too. But Emma seemed happy to remain single and would breezily assure them that she didn’t have time for men, anyway.
Once she hit her thirties, Jo noticed a subtle change and Emma would say that she was open to settling down but that all the suitable men were married now and that she’d missed the boat. Jo hoped she was wrong about that but at 34, time no longer seemed to be on her side.
They climbed into the car, which had enough seats for the three of them. ‘What about Bella?’ Jo asked Ben, suddenly aware that there wasn’t room for her and Elodie.
‘She’s driving our car so that she can put Elodie in the car-seat.’
‘Ah, OK.’ Jo could see that Bella looked far from happy about the plan but she simply didn’t have the energy to think about it any further.
The journey to the church passed in virtual silence. Jo sat between Ben and Emma, tightly holding each of their hands, wishing she could find the strength to comfort them. As they pulled up, the surprisingly large crowd of mourners stepped back to let them through. Jo stared unseeingly at the familiar faces, their presence only dimly registering, as she nodded her hellos.
Ben led the way towards the church doorway and stopped abruptly as Matt stepped forward from the crowd to hug him. For a moment Jo thought he might lose his composure but as he pulled away and murmured his thanks, he took a deep breath and nodded, as if giving himself a pep-talk. Charlotte and Freya came over to Jo and Emma, embracing them both. ‘I’m so sorry,’ Charlotte said, taking Jo’s hand in hers. ‘You must feel so lost without him. I know how much you loved him.’
Finally, the wall of numbness that Jo had felt around her all day began to crack and she squeezed Charlotte’s hand. ‘Thank you, Charlie. I don’t even know where to begin.’ She shook her head helplessly. ‘I already miss him so, so much. I feel so alone.’ Her voice broke as she finished speaking.
Charlotte’s eyes filled with tears. ‘I know. But you have Ben and Emma and they will be there for you. You aren’t alone, I promise you.’
Jo swallowed away the lump in her throat. ‘Thank you for coming, Charlie, it means a lot.’
Charlotte shook her head. ‘We all loved Peter. There is no way we wouldn’t have been here today.’
Jo smiled gratefully. ‘Please make sure you sit with us at the front. We’d all appreciate it.’
Charlotte’s eyes flickered uncertainly. ‘Are you sure? We wouldn’t want to take anyone else’s seat …’
‘No, Mum’s right,’ said Ben, appearing at their side. ‘You should sit with us. It would really help, especially Emma,’ he added, his eyes sliding towards Emma, who was now crying piteously, as one of her aunts comforted her.
‘OK.’ Charlotte gave Jo’s hand another squeeze before stepping back. ‘We’ll see you in there.’
It was a small country church and by the time they took their seats, it was already packed, with many
people standing in the side aisles and along the back. Jo looked at Ben, who was staring straight ahead, apparently stoical, but the pulsating muscle in his cheek gave away how stressed he was. Bella sat to his right, holding Elodie, who was gazing around her in puzzlement. Bella’s expression was outwardly blank but Jo could tell she was simmering about something beneath the surface.
To Jo’s left, Emma was weeping openly, while Charlotte rubbed her back rhythmically. Matt and Freya sat in the pew directly behind them and Matt also placed a comforting hand on Emma’s shoulder. Matt had known Peter since he was a young boy, so she was glad of his presence today, knowing he was one of the few people who would really understand how Ben and Emma were feeling. She hoped it would bring them closer together again, as she got the sense that they seemed to have become slightly estranged recently.
She sighed and looked again at Bella, who was now gently rocking Elodie to sleep in her arms. She was the picture of contented motherhood, with a look of deep and genuine love in her eyes, as she gazed down at her baby girl. But when she looked up and caught Jo’s eye, her expression changed subtly but noticeably to one of dislike. For the millionth time, Jo wondered what she had done to provoke such a reaction in her daughter-in-law.
As the church was filled with the first few bars of Peter’s favourite hymn, ‘I Watch the Sunrise’, everyone stood and Jo turned to the front, her thoughts now focused on just him.
As the vicar invited Ben to give the eulogy, he stood up shakily and made his way to the lectern. After swallowing several times, he started to speak. ‘My dad was my best friend,’ he began in a trembling voice. ‘He never, ever let me down and was always there when I needed him.’ He paused, trying to recover his composure. ‘And I honestly don’t know how any of us are going to cope with losing him.’ Tears rolled down his cheeks and when he opened his mouth to speak again, he emitted a loud sob, before breaking down completely.
Matt stood up and walked purposefully towards the altar. He reached Ben in a couple of strides and put one arm around his heaving shoulders, while taking his speech from him with the other. ‘Would you like me to continue for you?’ he asked gently.
Ben nodded, so Matt began to read the words on the page in a calm, clear voice, which somehow made them sound all the more poignant. As he finished, he looked at Ben, who gave him a grateful smile and a nod. ‘Thank you,’ Ben mouthed, as the two of them made their way back to the pews.
‘I’m sorry, Mum,’ Ben whispered, as he sat back down. ‘I just couldn’t do it.’
Jo took his hand, her heart breaking for him. ‘I know, darling, we all understand.’
As they filed out of the church at the end, Jo reached out to hug Matt. ‘Thank you so much for helping Ben, Matt. It means the world to us.’
Matt hugged her back. ‘We’ll always be here for him, Jo. And for you and Emma, too. Don’t ever forget that.’
Jo nodded, aware that there was more meaning in his words than she was hearing but she was quickly swept away to greet the procession of mourners who were now leaving the church and she didn’t have time to dwell on it.
Chapter Fifteen
The sun was a ball of orange fire, hanging low over the Suffolk fields, the few clouds creating purple shadows on the landscape, like bruises. Ben drove in silence, exhausted by the stress of the day. Beside him, Bella also sat in silence, while Elodie slept soundly in her car-seat in the back.
He hadn’t wanted to leave Jo. She looked so small and vulnerable standing at the door to the home that she had shared with his dad for more than two decades. He had hesitated as he started the car and looked at Bella. ‘Should we stay? I feel bad leaving her.’
Bella’s expression hardened. ‘No. She’ll be fine. We need to get Elodie home.’
So Ben had driven away, feeling like the lousiest son in the world abandoning his mum. Bella had spent the entire day in a surly, dark mood, standing apart from everyone and giving cursory, barely polite answers to anyone who approached. Ben wanted to talk to her about it but he knew it would result in a row and he felt too drained and upset to get into one right now.
Bella sighed loudly and he could feel her eyes boring into him, demanding a reaction.
‘OK,’ he said, glancing at her wearily, knowing that he had no choice but to deal with it now, regardless of the emotions coursing through his brain. ‘What’s the matter?’
Bella sighed again, this time in a more exaggerated fashion. ‘I can’t believe you didn’t notice the way your mum treated me today. She made me feel like a piece of dirt! And she barely even looked at Elodie …’
Ben frowned. ‘That’s not fair, Bella. It was her husband’s funeral – she’s in shock.’
‘She wasn’t in so much shock that she couldn’t fawn over Matt and Freya, not to mention how she acted like your bitch of an ex-girlfriend was her daughter-in-law instead of me! Honestly, Ben, you have no idea how hard today was for me.’
Ben took his hand off the wheel and rubbed his forehead. He wanted to point out that today had been hard for him, too, but knew that wasn’t what she wanted to hear.
‘I don’t think Mum would have done anything to upset you deliberately.’
Bella pulled a face and emitted a ‘pah’ sound. ‘She was off with me from the minute we arrived. She barely said “hello” then turned her back on me and stomped into the kitchen without even attempting to take Elodie. You’d think she’d have been desperate to see her.’
‘As I said, I think she had other things on her mind. Come on, Bella, give her a break.’
‘She didn’t worry about how I was feeling when she insisted that your bloody ex come and sit with us and went out of her way to make me feel left out.’
Bella’s voice broke slightly as she finished speaking and Ben knew that tears would follow. He gripped the steering wheel hard, in an attempt to quell the sudden urge he had to slap her. ‘You didn’t exactly try to integrate, though, did you?’
‘I did!’ Bella protested furiously, wiping away the tears that were now coursing down her cheeks. ‘But you were too busy ignoring me to notice!’
Ben gritted his teeth, not trusting himself to reply. He hated it when Bella got like this. There was simply no reasoning with her and he knew he would have to go through a massive scene before she would calm down, only when he apologized.
‘You can’t even deny it,’ Bella said, with more than a note of triumph.
‘Oh, for Christ’s sake!’ Ben slammed the steering wheel with the flat of his hand. ‘It was my dad’s funeral, Bella! Why are you being like this?’
Bella visibly jumped and cowered slightly in her seat. ‘Ben! Stop being so aggressive! You’re scaring me and you’re scaring Elodie.’
As if on cue, Elodie, who had been sleeping soundly in her car-seat, started to cry. Bella made a huge point of shushing her, while shooting accusing glares in Ben’s direction.
Ben wanted to cry himself and could feel the tears welling up in his own eyes. He just wanted a little bit of sympathy and some understanding but he had known all along that Bella would turn today into an excuse to have a go at his family and make it all about her.
It had been such a difficult day and he was struggling to process his feelings. It still didn’t feel real that Peter was gone for ever and Ben knew that it hadn’t sunk in yet.
He could feel Bella’s eyes on him. ‘So you’re sulking now, then?’
Ben sighed. ‘No, Bella, I’m not sulking. I’m just trying to get my head around today. It’s been a horrible day.’
‘Yes, it has.’ Bella’s voice was a little quieter. ‘I’m glad it’s over.’
Ben didn’t reply.
‘And at least we’ve got the move to focus on now.’
‘Yes.’ Ben had been putting the house move to the back of his mind. He didn’t have enough room in his brain to think about it with everything else that had been going on. But there was no reason to delay it any longer and there was nothing to keep them in London, now that he no long
er saw Matt and Freya. The plan was for him to give up his job and stay at home to look after Elodie, while Bella returned to work. It was a plan that he hadn’t had much say in and he knew that Peter would have strongly counselled against it. But Bella had decreed that that was what they were doing, so he had gone along with it to keep her happy. And in truth, he loved the idea of spending more time with Elodie and knew that he would be good at it, whereas Bella was clearly going stir-crazy being at home. He hoped that going back to work would make her less possessive and a bit more relaxed about him seeing his family and friends.
‘You know, maybe we shouldn’t move to Suffolk, after all?’ she said now, interrupting his thoughts. ‘Maybe Surrey would be better.’
Ben’s senses tingled with alarm at Bella’s tone, which he had heard many times before. It meant she wasn’t consulting him; she was telling him.
‘No, Bella. You were super-keen on Suffolk and being near my parents, so I don’t know why you’d suddenly change your mind. Anyway, it’s too late.’
Bella gave a dismissive wave of her hand. ‘Not necessarily. We can still pull out of the Suffolk house.’
‘No. You insisted on Suffolk, so that’s where we’re going. And I like the house. Plus, it’ll be good being so close to Mum, now that she’s on her own …’
Ben could sense Bella’s body stiffening beside him. He rarely stood up to her and almost always ended up backing down but he was determined that this was too important to just roll over the way he usually did.
‘It has to be a joint decision,’ she snapped.
‘It is a joint decision. We chose it together, remember?’ As he spoke, Ben realized that although he had been present for the viewings, he had had absolutely no say in the house she eventually picked. ‘Although, to be honest, you didn’t really give me much say in the choice, did you?’
Bella’s face clouded and her eyes narrowed dangerously. ‘Don’t play that card with me, Ben. While you’ve been dashing off to be at your mother’s beck and call, I’ve had to sort everything out by myself. So now I’ve decided that Surrey would be better instead.’