by Aubrey Rose
Julian frowned. It had already come to that.
“No comment,” he said.
“But the photographs-”
“No comment.” He made his way back up the stairs and closed the door behind him. The screams of the crowd faded to a dull roar, like the waves of the ocean crashing on the cliffs far away. Pat was standing outside of Alex’s dressing room, looking none too happy.
“Don’t go in there,” he said when Julian got closer. “I’ve already got one PR disaster on my hands, I don’t need another.”
“It’s okay,” Julian said. “I’m not going to get into another fight.”
“You’d better not,” Pat said. “I don’t want to replace a singer AND a guitarist.”
Julian leaned forward, his tall stature looming over Pat’s.
“We’re not replacing anybody,” Julian said.
“I don’t… I mean-” Pat stammered, but Julian didn’t want to hear any of it. He pushed the shorter man aside and knocked on the door twice before opening it.
Alex was sitting in a chair facing the dressing room mirror, his head buried in his hands. Although he was the tallest member of the band, right now he seemed small, shrunk into himself. Julian closed the door behind him and went over, pulling another chair up beside Alex and sitting down.
“I’m sorry,” Alex said, before Julian had a chance to get any words out. When he lifted his head, Julian could see that his eyes were rimmed red.
“Hey, forget it. It won’t even leave a bruise. You hit like a goddamn girl anyway.”
Alex’s face pulled into a small smile.
“I’m still sorry.”
“Yeah, well I’m sorry too.” Julian leaned forward, resting his arm on the counter. “I shouldn’t have gotten carried away. It’s just, you know, this girl…”
“You really like her.” Alex smiled. “I can tell. We can all tell. It’s pretty goddamn adorable, if we’re being perfectly honest with each other.”
“Are we being honest with each other?”
Alex looked up at Julian, guilt written all over his face.
“I’m sorry. I should have told you. I thought you would have figured it out by now, anyway.”
“I had my suspicions.”
“Did anybody else in the band know?”
“What, that you’re secretly gay?” Julian shrugged. “I don’t know. Daniel maybe. Who knows what that guy thinks about apart from how horrible it sounds if the string on his bass is a nanometer too tight.”
Alex let a half-smile slip out from his tearful face.
“And Asher? Asher believes anything you tell him. He’s like a little kid. If we told him you were secretly Santa Claus, I think he would probably believe it.”
“Pat’s going nuts over this.” Alex ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t know what he’s going to do besides kick me out of the band.”
“He’s not going to kick you out of the band. I won’t let him. We won’t let him. You think we can do this without you?”
Alex stood up and began to pace the small room.
“I just can’t believe I fucked up so bad. I ruined it, I ruined everything. We’ve spent so much time building our rep, and for what?” Alex’s eyes were filling up quickly with angry tears. “So I can throw it all away for one night with some hot guy.”
“Was he hot?”
“Super hot.” Alex stopped pacing and looked straight at Julian. “You have no idea.”
Julian grinned.
“So it was worth it.”
“Not if it costs us everything.” Alex’s face crumpled and he leaned against the wall.
Julian shook his head.
“We still have Europe, we have the new album for the end of the year…”
“I’m not sure I should still be here.”
Julian stood up and went over to Alex.
“Hey. Hey. Listen to me. The whole band started with you. Your name, your ideas, your songs.”
“And it’ll end with that photo.” Alex nodded to the television, where they were showing the candid snapshot for the umpteenth time. Julian reached over and switched the TV off.
“Not unless you let it. Fuck Pat, who cares what he thinks. The fans love you. We just have to re-brand a bit.”
Alex bit his lip, but Julian could tell the wheels in his head were starting to move again. Good. Alex was always at his best when he was solving a problem.
“Okay,” he said. “Okay. I’ll think about it.”
“That’s the spirit.” Julian cuffed Alex on the shoulder. “Now get working on some new marketing ideas for us. I’m down for anything as long as it doesn’t involve me wearing rainbow colored spandex.”
Alex pouted.
“So my new YMCA cover band approach won’t cut it?” They both laughed, and a little bit of tension seeped out of the room. Julian could see Alex standing up straighter, pulling himself together.
“Thanks man,” Alex said. “I don’t know how you can stand to come cheer me up after I’ve punched you in the face, but you’re a good guy.”
Julian shifted his weight, uncomfortable at the compliment. Asher was a good guy. Daniel was a good guy. Julian - he had issues, not the least of which was his struggle with the bottle. There was no way he could be the good guy.
“Hey, you pull me up when I’m down, I pull you up when you’re down. Deal?”
Julian stuck his hand out and Alex took it, shaking it firmly.
“Deal.”
“Okay, rock star, let’s get some sleep before our last show tomorrow.”
“Not our last show,” Alex pointed out. “We still have Europe.”
“Right,” Julian said. “So you haven’t given up already.”
Alex grinned, realizing his slip.
“Okay, so I really want to go on tour in Paris.”
“Uh huh,” Julian said. “What you really want is a menage a trois with two cute French guys.”
“Ha, I wish! What about you? Are you taking Shannon if we still do the Europe tour?”
Julian frowned. He had been putting off talking with Shannon about it, since he wasn’t sure how she would react. And now with all news fiasco about Alex, he didn’t know if the tour was even happening.
“We’ll see,” he said. “She’s still finishing up her senior year at college.”
“I like her,” Alex said. “She seems like a catch.”
“Hands off!” Julian said, waving one finger admonishingly at Alex.
“Hey! Didn’t you hear the rumors? I’m gay!” He gave Julian a wry smirk.
“Okay, Mr. sexy gay rock star, go get some sleep.”
“Okay, Mr. sexy straight rock star.”
Julian punched Alex in the shoulder fondly as a goodbye. Leaving the dressing room, he avoided Pat’s gaze. It didn’t matter what the damn manager said. Alex was the heart of the band, and Julian wasn’t about to throw him to the wolves just because of his sexuality. There had to be something they could do to fix this. Julian knew they would do just fine as long as they stuck together.
But they had to stick together.
***
Julian walked to the tour bus quickly, his arms prickling with goosebumps. After sunset, the temperature had dropped fast. San Diego was part desert, after all. The fog coming off of the ocean rolled slowly through the streets and gave the streetlights strange halos. The tour bus too, parked alone in the back parking lot of the building, threw shadows from the curtained light coming from inside.
Julian was almost to the front of the bus when he heard noises coming from inside. Talking. Strange. He had thought Shannon would be alone. He peered into the open door, not wanting to bother her in case she was on the phone with her mom. Maybe she was talking to that Jason friend of hers to see what was up.
As he looked into the bus, Julian’s heart dropped into his stomach. Shannon had her arms around Asher and was hugging him tightly, her eyes closed. He was hugging her back.
No. Not Asher. Julian froze, unsure of what
he should do. He wanted to scream, to run in and hit Asher across the face, but every muscle in his body had turned to lead and his breath was shallow. As Shannon opened her eyes, Julian shifted back so that they couldn’t see him.
“Will you come with me tomorrow?” Asher said. Julian craned his neck to see the two of them better.
“I can’t,” Shannon said. “I have to go somewhere with Julian.”
“That sucks,” Asher said. Shannon reached out and put her hand on his shoulder, and Julian inhaled through his teeth, seething. He had never thought that Shannon would betray him like this. And Asher? Asher, the good guy? Asher, who didn’t have a single negative thing to say about anyone, ever? How could he do this to his bandmate?
“I wish I could be there with you,” she said.
“Me too,” Asher said. “But I understand. Thanks. And thanks for tonight.”
Shannon leaned in for another embrace, and Julian forced himself to keep his eyes open, watching as her hands moved slowly along Asher’s back, caressing his shoulders. Those hands that had held him just the day before, those hands that had run through his own hair, stroking his skin…
“You’re a great guy,” Shannon said.
“And you’re a beautiful girl.” Asher cupped one hand to Shannon’s cheek, and Shannon giggled. It was that sound, the peals of her sweet laughter, that broke Julian’s heart. He tore himself away from the bus door and bent over, his head between his legs. He stumbled to the front of the bus, gagging on the roiling pain in his stomach. His mind was blank with anger and betrayal.
Shannon. Asher. How could I have been so blind? They had been spending more and more time together, talking on the bus and going for walks. Stretching their legs, they had said. More like spreading your legs. Julian heaved again, a dry retching that left him shaking and frail on his feet. He had never felt like this before. A black hatred surged through his body, and his fists balled up against his thighs. Asher had tried to convince him in LA to go after Shannon, to bring her on tour. Now he knew why.
“Julian?” Asher’s voice cut through the air, and Julian spun around to see him stepping down out of the bus doorway. He suppressed an urge to punch him in the face. Later. He had to be sure. Asher came around to the front of the bus.
“How’s Alex doing?”
“He’s fine.” And how’s Shannon doing? Julian wanted to ask. How was she doing when you held her in your arms?
“Good. I’m going to go for that walk.”
“Fine.”
“Hope your cheek feels okay. It looks nasty.”
Julian just turned away. If he listened to one more word coming out of Asher’s lying mouth, he would explode. He pulled himself up the bus steps and into the back. Shannon’s headphones covered her ears, and he walked past her to the back.
“Hey there, rock star,” Shannon said, pulling her headphones off. “Didn’t expect you back so soon.”
I bet you didn’t.
Julian opened his backpack and pulled out the flask buried underneath his notebooks and other junk. He hadn’t thought he would need a drink for the rest of the tour. How wrong he had been. His fingers shook as he spun the metal top open and raised the flask to his lips.
The amber liquid stung his throat going down, but even as he swallowed the warmth of the alcohol began to radiate through his body.
“Is Alex okay?”
“He’s fine.” He’s fine. You’re fine. Asher is more than fine. Everybody in fact, is fine, except for me. Julian tilted his head back and swallowed another gulp of the bourbon, stifling a cough.
“Are you okay?”
Julian stared at the metal rim of the flask. He could smell the bourbon, a honeyed stench that called to him even as his mind dulled with the taste of it.
“I’m fine,” he said. He would deal with it later. Once he knew what he needed to say. Right now he just wanted to stop the pain, to make his feelings go away. He knew it would only take a few more swigs from the flask for the world to melt off of his shoulders. Then he would be able to sleep. The dreams would be bad, but they couldn’t be worse than reality.
CHAPTER THREE
Shannon knew something was wrong. Julian had taken his flask with him into his bunk, drinking more than she had ever seen him drink before. Was it because he was fighting with Alex? When the guys had come back to the bus, they all seemed to be in a decent enough mood, laughing and joking around, but Julian didn’t want to talk to anyone. He shut himself up in his bunk and drank.
Alex waved away her concerns, saying Julian was just bummed. If this was how he acted when he was bummed, Shannon never wanted to see him mad. He had walled himself off completely from her, not saying a word. She decided to let him sleep it off by himself.
When she woke up in the morning, she had a crick in her neck from sleeping on one of the reclining bus seats, and her legs were cramped. Her bra dug into her shoulders from leaving it on overnight. The worst part, though, was the feeling of missing Julian’s arms around her. Sleeping alone wasn’t bad if you were alone, but if the person you loved slept just a few feet away from you, not wanting to be with you? Unbearable.
Shannon stretched her arms over her head and yawned, pulling herself out of the seat. She grabbed a bottle of water and brushed her teeth in the sink, trying not to wake anyone else up. When she left the bus to get some fresh air, the sunrise struck her with its breathtaking beauty. The chill in the air prickled her skin, but the sun’s rays creeping over the ocean hinted at the promise of warmth to come. She shivered and rubbed her arms, gazing at the dim light filtering through the palm trees.
“Beautiful, isn’t it?”
Shannon turned to see Julian stepping down from the bus behind her. He rubbed his temples with his hands, the aftermath of the bourbon showing through his grimacing smile.
“It is beautiful.”
“Did you want to go see your surprise?” Julian spoke softly, sadly almost, as though he was pushing back some hidden pain. Shannon touched his arm and tried to smile brightly.
“Yes!”
“Are you sure? We don’t have to go if you don’t want to. If you’d rather do something else.”
“No, of course not!” Shannon cocked her head to one side, but she could not read Julian’s expression. What was the surprise? And why was he being so coy?
“Okay, then, let’s go.” He headed off towards the beach.
“We’re walking? Should I bring my camera?”
Julian looked back over his shoulder. “No camera. I just want you.”
Shannon skipped forward to catch up with him, clasping his hand in hers. She could feel him pull away slightly, reluctant, and then allow her fingers to intertwine with his. She considered asking him what was wrong, but after last night it seemed like he didn’t really want to talk. Oh well. At least she could distract him from whatever was weighing on his mind.
They walked along the beach for a half mile. Shannon took off her shoes, letting her feet sink into the cool sand. Letting her hand drop, she walked down to the edge of the ocean, where the low waves washed shockingly cold water over her ankles. The sun soon rose over the horizon, warming her arms, but her feet soon numbed with the cold. She came back to Julian, who was trudging through the dry dune sands. A few intrepid joggers wound their way behind him along the concrete boardwalk.
“Are you excited about tonight?” Shannon said. “Last show of the tour!”
“Hopefully we’re just getting started,” Julian said. He didn’t say anything else, and Shannon didn’t press him. There was a pier up ahead, and as they came upon it Julian raised his head and gestured toward the end of the dock.
“This is your surprise.”
Shannon opened her mouth to say she didn’t understand, but as they walked up the last step of the pier she saw what he was talking about. A row of sailboats was anchored to the end of the pier, rocking gently with the waves. A rush of emotion swept over her and she turned to him, her mouth still agape.
“We
’re going sailing?”
“You said you wanted to. Well, technically you said a sunset sail, but we’re playing shows every night. So I thought—”
Shannon threw herself into Julian’s arms with such force that he spun in a circle to keep his balance.
“You’re amazing!” She felt a childlike sense of glee. She had never been sailing before. She beamed. Julian smiled back at her, but it was a small smile, and she felt that she had disappointed him in some way.
“Let’s go,” he said, motioning for her to continue down the dock. The man sitting in the rental cabin got out as soon as he saw Julian and pointed out the last sailboat on the end. It wasn’t a particularly big boat, maybe fifteen feet long, but the mast loomed overhead menacingly.
“How do I get in?”
Julian held out his hand to support her. She stepped into the boat carefully, her weight tilting precariously to one side before Julian caught her and eased her down onto the seat.
“Just sit there until we’re out on the ocean,” he said. His fingers quickly untied the knots on the mast, and he pulled the main sail up. The fabric caught in the light breeze and snapped open, the boat leaning to one side as the wind filled the sail.
“You’ve done this before, right?” Shannon asked.
“Don’t worry,” Julian said. “You know how to swim, right?”
Shannon’s eyes went wide as Julian put one foot on the pier and pushed off, swinging the boat around and sitting down next to Shannon. He took the steering rod, or whatever it was called, and turned the boat so that the sail stopped flapping, caught by the wind. The boat took off more quickly than Shannon expected, and after just a few seconds they were skimming across the water, the pier disappearing into the distance behind them.
“This is the boom,” Julian said, tapping his fingers on the metal part underneath the sail. “Don’t stand up while we’re turning, or it’ll hit you on the head.”
Shannon nodded. Julian named all of the other parts of the boat, but her attention was drawn to the wide white sail reflecting the morning sunlight above their heads. Behind them the sailboat left a small white wake in the dark ocean water. The whole scene filled her with delight.