by M. E. Carter
I take a deep breath, calming myself. Regardless of how I feel, I have to remember he is a fourteen-year-old kid who came looking for me. I suspect he’s looking for some of the same answers very soon, like how the fuck this happened in the first place. “Where do you live?”
“Up in Dallas.”
My eyes widen. “How’d you get here? That’s a six-hour drive.”
He shrugs and digs his hands into his pockets again. “I’ve been saving my birthday and Christmas money for a few years so I could get a bus ticket here.”
“Ohmygod,” I breath as I wipe my hand down my face. “Are you shitting me?” He shakes his head and looks at the floor, face turning red from embarrassed by my pointed questions. I realize I can’t kick him out. He has nowhere to go, and he’s a kid. I may not want to deal with this right now, but I’m not going to be an asshole. Instead, I ask, “You hungry, man? That must have been a long bus ride.”
He relaxes a little and even smiles. I find myself inspecting his expression, trying to find any trace of resemblance. “Uh, yeah. Kind of, I guess.”
I grab a bag of popcorn off the shelf over my desk, pop it into the microwave, and pull a bottle of water out of the fridge, tossing it to him. He fumbles around with it for a few seconds before finally getting a grasp on it. Clearly, he didn’t get his athleticism from my side of the family. I chuckle at the thought as I pull out my phone and text Germaine.
Find a place to stay tonight. I’ve got company.
His response is almost immediately.
Get ‘er done!
I don’t bother correcting him. I don’t need him up in my business until I get this sorted out.
Kade and I make small talk for the next couple of hours. I ask him about school and what he likes to do. He asks about college and what it’s like to be out on your own. We get to know each other a little bit, both of us still unsure how all this is going to work and where we go from here.
When he’s finally settled into Germain’s bed, snoring slightly, I grab my phone and quietly step out into the hall, pulling up the number of the one person I need to talk to the most.
He answers after the first ring. “Jax. What’s wrong?”
“Dad. We need to talk.”
Chapter Eighteen
Annika
I didn’t hear from Jaxon for the rest of the night. I didn’t hear from him the next day either. I texted a couple of times to see if he was okay but the only time he responded it said “Yeah, I’ve just got some shit going on.” That told me nothing. And it told me everything I needed to know.
I have been utterly stupid.
I misinterpreted everything. Jaxon was my friend, nothing else. Anything deeper than that was a fantasy in my own mind. Necia had warned me that many survivors develop a hero’s crush, but I didn’t believe that’s what was happening. In hindsight, having never been in love before, I guess I didn’t know how to tell the difference.
Admittedly, the whole scenario makes me sad. I spent longer in the shower than normal last night getting all the tears out without anyone knowing. I was oddly proud of myself for staying naked in a community bathroom shower longer than absolutely necessary. Baby steps, right?
But now, I feel empty. I’m strong and I’ll get through it, but it sucks to know that the person who was my closest confidant, who I thought could potentially be my soulmate, well…I was wrong.
Keeping my head down as I walk to Kampus Koffee, I barely register his voice.
“Annika.”
Maybe I’m more heartbroken than I thought. I’m hearing Jaxon’s voice everywhere I go. Clearly, I’m delusional. Necia is going to have a field day with this one.
“Annika, wait up.” His voice is closer now, and I look over to see him jogging toward me. “Hey, didn’t you hear me calling you?”
His smile is huge, like nothing is different, and I haven’t spent two days waiting for my phone to ring, my heart breaking.
“I…” I stumble over my words, confused by how happy he looks to see me. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were calling me.”
He chuckles lightly. “Who else do I know named Annika? You’re it.”
Kissing me on the top of the head, I take a step back and look at him.
“What?” he asks when he sees the perplexity on my face. “What’s wrong?”
“I haven’t heard from you in two days.”
His shoulders fall and he looks sheepish. “Yeah I’ve had some pretty intense personal shit come up.”
I wait for a second and then gesture with an “and?”
“And, I don’t know. I don’t want to talk about it.”
Suddenly, my hurt is replaced by anger, and my back stiffens in an involuntary response. “Oh, you don’t want to talk about your personal stuff.”
“It’s too fresh, ya know?”
“Really?” I’m trying to keep my emotions under control because this is possibly the most hypocritical he’s ever been with me.
He finally seems to register my anger, and his confusion is clear. “What? It’s hard to talk about. You of all people should understand where I’m coming from.”
A humorless laugh burst out of me. “Okay. I get it.”
“Get what? Annika, what do you get?”
“That I don’t want to talk about my personal shit either, but I do because that’s what friends do. They trust each other and share with each other, but clearly I misunderstood what’s happening here.” I gesture back and forth between us. “I’m going to get some coffee. When you’d like to reciprocate our friendship, feel free to let me know.”
I turn to walk away, but he grabs my arm before I can get anywhere. “What are you talking about?” Dragging me out of the way of prying eyes, he leans me against the wall. “Why are you mad at me? I don’t understand what’s happening.”
I sigh and look at the ground, unwilling to meet his gaze. “I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at me, okay? I just misunderstood this whole friendship. Just ignore me.”
“Misinterpreted? Annika, you’ve gotta help me out here.”
Confessing my feelings for him was not high on my priority list this morning, but I owe him an explanation for my behavior. He’s been nothing but kind to me. He deserves to know the truth of my outburst.
“I thought that you kind of liked me. And I kind of like you too. A lot. Okay more than a lot.” His brown eyes look back and forth into mine, and he leans in closer to hear what I’m saying. “But I think I over-exaggerated the connection.”
“You didn’t over-exaggerate anything.”
“Jaxon,” I say quietly, “you know every detail of the most intimate, personal, disgusting thing in my life. You know every part of that. If you can’t share the same kind of personal ugly about you, then you don’t feel about me the way I feel about you.”
Understanding crosses his face, and before I can ask him to move out of my way so I can leave and end my humiliation, his lips come crashing down on mine. A squeak comes out of me at the unexpectedness, and then I melt into him as his hands cup my cheeks. His lips are soft and warm and plump. His tongue tastes slightly of coffee and bacon and, well, of Jaxon. He kisses me and kisses me and kisses me, until the only thing I can hear is the sound of our breathing and some catcalls in the distance. Those whistles are what finally make me pull away.
Pressing his forehead against mine, he says, “Don’t listen to them, listen to me.” He licks his lips, and I close my eyes, enjoying the feel of his body up against mine. I didn’t realize how much I craved this kind of closeness, this kind of touch, until now. “I have wanted to kiss you for so long. But I needed to know you were ready. I needed to know I wasn’t pushing you too quickly. I don’t ever want you to feel unsafe with me. That’s why I haven’t made a move until now.”
“Really?” The word comes out like a breathy sigh.
“Really. But now that I know how you feel, if I have your permission, I’m gonna kiss you again, and I’m going to kiss you a lot.”
/> “Okay.” I wrap my arms around his neck. “Kiss me again right now.”
He chuckles lightly against my lips before granting my wish. There’s no tongue this time. Just deep satisfying kisses, until my lips feel swollen. Only then does he pull away. “Come on. Let me buy you some coffee, and I’ll fill you in on what’s going on.”
“No, Jax. You don’t have to tell me. It’s your story to tell…”
“No. You’re right. I like you, Annika, and I want to be with you. This isn’t one-sided for me. I trust you implicitly, and I need to do this with you.”
Biting my lip doesn’t deter the smile that crosses my face as he leads me into the building. Jaxon likes me. He likes me, likes me. And he’s going to kiss me. A lot if I have my way.
As I claim the same table we sat at when we first met here, he stands in line for our coffees. I want to text Lauren and tell her what happened, but I’m afraid she’ll think it’s too little, too late. So I don’t.
“Salted caramel mocha, right?” He hands me the largest size cup they have. Oh yeah. I definitely want to kiss him again.
I blow on the steam and take a sip while he gets settled. I’m curious what has him so frazzled that he disappears from my life for two days after months of texting every few hours.
“When I got back to my dorm the other night,” he begins, “this kid was sitting outside my door.”
“Uh huh.” I take another sip, not sure if this is actually the best coffee I’ve ever had or if my surging hormones are making it taste better than normal. But it’s truly the best I’ve ever tasted.
“He claims he’s my brother.”
He drops that bomb right as I’m swallowing, causing me to spend the next several minutes choking. I hold my hand up to make him wait while I cough, grateful I didn’t spit the coffee all over him instead.
“How…he…what?” I croak out when my throat is finally cleared.
Jaxon chuckles. “That’s the reaction I had. It took me a little bit to sort out what he was telling me. But it turns out, my dad had an affair.”
My eyes get huge, in spite of my attempts to not overreact. “Holy shit. Does the press know yet?”
“No,” he shakes his head vehemently. “Wrong dad.”
I tilt my head and furrow my brow. “I’m sorry, I’m not following you.”
Like he’s just had a lightbulb moment, he says “Oh shit. We’ve never had this conversation.” Putting his coffee down, he leans forward. “Jason didn’t meet my mom until I was seven. They got married when I was eight.”
“Oh, I didn’t realize he was your stepdad.”
He shakes his head. “No, adopted dad. That’s why the football gene skipped me. We don’t have any actual genetics in common.” I don’t like the expression on his face when he says that. It’s like he lost a little confidence in himself. The look disappears quickly, though, as he continues. “My birth dad died in a car accident when I was five.”
“Oh, Jaxon, I’m sorry.”
“Me, too. He was a good dad. But apparently, he wasn’t a very good husband,” he says, staying on track with his story. “He was having an affair when he died.”
“Oh shit,” I exclaim louder than I intended. Looking around the room to make sure no one noticed my outburst, I lean in closer as he keeps talking.
“I, of course, didn’t know anything about it until this kid, Kade, showed up at my doorstep, claiming to be my brother.”
“Do you think it’s true? Does he look like you?”
“I don’t know. That’s the thing. He’s…” Jaxon pauses, and I can tell he’s trying to phrase his next statement the right way. “He’s kind of…weird. It’s like no one ever taught him hygiene.”
I look at him quizzically. That was not what I was expecting him to say. “You’re gonna have to explain more.”
“He dresses kind of weird, like really geeky. It was like he’d just come from ComiCon.”
I scowl. “Hey, don’t make fun of the Con. I went once. It was fun.”
He bites back a laugh before deadpanning, “Yes. I’m sure it was.”
“Excuse me.” I slap his arm playfully. “You can’t tell me you don’t love Star Wars as much as the next guy. And The Walking Dead. And Game of Thrones…”
“Okay, okay, fine.” He stops. “Bad example. But if you saw him walking down the street, you’d assume he lived in his mother’s basement, playing video games and only venturing out for Pokémon Go.”
I chortle. “Don’t you think you’re being a little judgmental? He’s just a kid.”
“I’m not trying to be. I’m trying to explain why it was hard to wrap my brain around us being related. Like, how much of who I am is because my dad Jason taught me. I don’t know that anyone ever taught this kid basic social things. My other dad, our dad, was dead so obviously, he didn’t. And if his mom was having an affair with a married man, I don’t know what she could be like. But I couldn’t begin to tell you when the last time was that he washed his hair. He obviously doesn’t wash his face. And I had to loan him my deodorant because when he took off his shirt to go to bed, the smell was overwhelming.”
My heart squeezes at the thought of Jaxon’s brother probably spending most of his life alone. “That’s really sad, Jaxon. What if he really is your brother, and he’s been neglected all his life?”
“I had the same thought. At first I was mad that he showed up out of nowhere saying he was my brother. Then I was mad that no one told me. Why didn’t anyone think it was important for me to know? It was eye-opening talking to him. We’re both really good at math and science. Apparently, I got that from my dad’s…um, Austin’s side. It made me think if Austin was still alive and Jason never came into the picture, would that be me? I can’t seem to wrap my brain around it.”
“I get it. I think about that sometimes. If my mom was alive, would I be more of a girly girl? Would I know how to do makeup, or would I like jewelry? I was raised by two men. I don’t know.”
“Wait.” Now his facial expression mirrors the exact one I was sporting a few minutes ago. “Your mom died?”
I snort a laugh. “I guess we haven’t talked about that either. Yeah, she died when I was a baby.”
“Oh,” he says nonchalantly. “Welcome to the dead parent club.”
We slap high five over the table like it’s no big deal. Reality is it’s a very big deal to lose a parent, but for us, it’s been long enough that it’s part of our normal.
“Okay,” I say, getting back to his story. “What happened? Did you ask your parents about it?”
“Yeah. As soon as Kade went to sleep, I called my dad because if I have an extra brother, someone has to break it to my mom that Austin was having an affair. No way is that going to be me. He’s the husband. That’s his job.”
I nod in agreement. “Sounds reasonable. What did he say?”
“She already knows.”
My eyes widen. “She knows you have a brother and never told you?”
“No, she didn’t know that part. At least she didn’t until yesterday. She knew Austin was having an affair. She was getting ready to file for divorce before he died.”
I resituate until I’m sitting back in my chair as I absorb all this information. “God, Jaxon, every which way this totally sucks.”
“I know.
“What happens now?”
He shakes his head and takes another sip of his coffee. “I put Kade back on the bus yesterday. Do you know the whole time he was with me, not once did his phone go off? No one was looking for him at all. Not even his own mother. I asked him if his mom knew where he was and he said no. He didn’t tell her he was leaving, and she didn’t notice he was missing.”
My heart breaks. I know I don’t talk to my dad and brother as much as I should, but I know if I disappeared suddenly, they’d look for me. They’d notice if I was gone. Makes me miss them. I should call them today.
“I talked to my parents yesterday.” Jaxon clears his throat, like he’s b
racing himself for the next bomb he’s about to drop. “They want me to get a DNA test.”
“How come? Your first dad is dead. Does it even make a difference at this point?”
“I don’t know,” he says slowly. “I think maybe they’re worried he wants money or something. I need to think about it though, ya know? If he isn’t my brother, that’s the end of it, but if he is, what then?”
It’s a valid question, and one I really don’t have an answer to, but I throw out my thoughts anyway. “You know, if no one really cares about Kade, maybe that’s why he came looking for you. It sounds like he’s lonely, and he’s looking for a connection somewhere.
“Your parents are probably right about the DNA test, just to be on the safe side and to make sure nothing shady is going on. But no matter what that test says, there’s still connected history there, even if it’s not a direct link. Maybe you should just keep in contact with him. Text a little. Be his friend. Teach him how to use soap.”
A laugh bursts out of him. I like seeing the smile on his face even in the middle of a personal crisis.
“I thought about that. Maybe I need to make an effort here. If my life had turned out a little differently, if my mom was a little less involved, and my dad had never come along, that could be me.”
My heart swells with more love for this man than I felt before. His natural compassion for people is astounding. After a few seconds of silence, though, I have to lay it on the line.
“Jax.”
“Hmm.” He looks up at me.
“If you ever disappear on me like that again, I don’t know if I can take it.”
He reaches over and grabs my hand. It’s the first time he’s intertwined our fingers, and my whole body warms at his touch.
“I’m sorry,” he pleads. “But can you do me a favor?”
“Anything,” I say, and I mean it.
“Come with me to buy more deodorant. I gave it to Kade as a parting gift.”