‘What if it was my best week ever?’ he said. Lisa sensed genuine fear in his eyes. ‘What if the only way I can be happy is . . .’ he faded out. His head slumped forwards again. He was rubbing his hands together. The fidgeting that had been in his legs was now in his hips. He rocked from side to side.
‘How about you tell us about it? About your best week ever. You might find that there are some opinions in here that can help. We might even have had the same sort of week as you, friend.’ The question was left hanging. It was at least a full minute before it was taken up.
‘I know I’m an addict. I didn’t used to see it that way. I thought an addict was, like, hooked on heroin or drink or whatever, where you feel ill when you come off it, when you feel like you need something to survive. It’s not like that for me — it’s not something I physically need. I don’t need this. But I can’t live without it.’ He lifted his head again. There were a few nods around the room. ‘I was good at hiding it, for a long time, but that’s all fallen apart and I don’t even think I care anymore. This . . . thing . . . I need it to be happy. I need it to feel alive. Without it I’m just coasting through. I was just doing one day, then doing the next and trying to be like everyone else. And they all look so happy!’ He was hunting around now, making eye contact wherever he could. ‘Don’t they?’ He got a few more nods and they increased in vigour. ‘But what it is that makes me feel alive, that makes me happy is something I can’t have. It’s something that hurts the people around me. I’m an addict. I know that now. So what do you do when you’re an addict? You come to meetings like this. You get help to stop. But what if I stop? What then? I go back to coasting, to doing one day then doing the next. I can’t stop. I don’t want to fucking stop!’ He paused long enough for the host to start a reply.
‘Well, there’s a lot—’
‘I KNOW this is my last meeting!’ He cut back in, renewed aggression in his voice. ‘And that terrifies me. I don’t know where I go from here.’ His head fell back to the floor. Lisa looked up at Ian. He pushed off the back of the chair to sit straighter. His mouth opened a few times as if he was going to start again, but he didn’t. Lisa spoke instead.
‘Part of being addicted to something is not being able to see past it. Not being able to see what can replace it.’
What was she doing? She didn’t want in on this debate! She could see the host was struggling; she could feel the quality of the silence that had settled on the room — it was a stunned silence. People were thinking, and Lisa was worried that they might be thinking that he had a point. He didn’t. Lisa knew that she needed to be clear about that — for her own sake. And saying it out loud made it clearer.
‘Nothing else makes me happy.’ The man turned to her. His eyes were wide, Lisa wasn’t sure it was still fear she was seeing written there. His forehead was slick with sweat; it was visible in the overhead lighting and a drop rolled over his temple.
‘Happiness is a state of mind. It’s the one thing that we’re all addicted to. Everyone needs to be happy — we crave it. But it’s just an end result. There’s more than one way to get there,’ Lisa said.
‘Not for me.’
‘She’s right,’ Ian said. ‘Lisa’s right. Our addictions are the walls that trap us. But not only do they trap us, they block our view. When I was addicted to painkillers I would walk down the street and no matter what was going on, all I would see was the dealers. I would see them sat on park benches, waiting on street corners or on their own front doorsteps. It wasn’t that there was nothing else there. It was just that they were all I was looking for. I thought they were all that I needed. I was wrong. Don’t stop coming here. Even if you just come for the free coffee! Just come and listen and try and leave at least a part of your mind open to the idea that you can find what you need from other things, from other sources.’
Lisa was watching him closely. Someone else spoke after Ian and another after that. They were trying to be supportive. But the man kept his eyes turned down throughout. She knew he wasn’t listening at all. When he had said that he wasn’t coming back to these meetings again, he’d meant it. She reckoned he had struggled to come to this one. His body language, his fear, his lack of attention all confirmed it. He had come here in desperation. It was his last chance to be saved. She had been there before. Just before she had started a drinking session that nearly killed her.
When the meeting came to an end, the man sprang to his feet as if he had been jabbed in the side and made for the door. Ian was calling after him but he didn’t look back. She watched as Ian shook his head. He looked thoughtful for a second, as if he was about to go after the man. Lisa stepped in front of him.
‘I’ll go,’ she said. She didn’t know why. She never got involved with other people; she had enough on her plate. It was like the police officer had said at 5 a.m. in her kitchen: she needed to start looking after herself. But she was committed now.
He had crossed the road and was standing by the bench. She could see him from the back, hunched in, his elbows bent as if he was lighting a cigarette. Sure enough he straightened with a puff of white smoke and moved off. Lisa was halfway across the road when she called out.
‘Hey!’
The man stopped and turned to face her. She could still see the emotion in his eyes.
‘I was going to have a seat for a few minutes. Like last week. You need a chat?’
‘No,’ he said. But he didn’t move off.
‘Well, do you need to sit for a minute then?’
He looked around. The cigarette stayed between his lips. His eyes were narrowed to the smoke. He walked to the bench and sat on the edge. Lisa did the same.
‘You normally sit out here with a coffee,’ he said. ‘That’s what you told me.’
‘I do. You ran off. I didn’t have time to get a coffee today.’
‘You should go back in and get one.’
‘I’ve been there. Where you are. Where you lie to people. Where you manipulate them and get good at making them go away when you need them to. I could go and get a coffee, but you’d be gone by the time I got back.’
‘I would.’
‘I can wait.’
‘You’d be better off going to get yourself a coffee. I’m telling you that now. People around me, they all get hurt. I’ve seen it enough. That’s not what I want for them, but I can’t help it.’
‘So you keep saying. Like I said, I’ve been where you are. I’ve hurt people too—’
‘Not like I have!’ The venom was back.
‘We all think we’ve got it the worst. Like no one else has ever been as addicted as we are. But I was there. I came out the other side. Never entirely — you don’t ever want to think you’re not at risk of being dragged back — but I’ve come a long way. You can too.’
‘It’s too late.’
Lisa felt her jeans pocket vibrate. She pulled her phone out. The screen read Naomi. She felt her heart flutter. Naomi had said she could cope. She said she wouldn’t need to call and not to worry. Something had to be wrong. She stepped away to answer the call. ‘Hey, you okay?’ She braced herself for the reply.
‘Sorry to call you, Lisa. It’s your mum. She’s getting aggie. She’s usually fine with me but I can’t talk to her today. She accused me of stealing something. I don’t even know what. She’s got it in her head that I’m a thief now.’
‘Jesus. Where are you?’
‘Stood outside your house! I’m on the front lawn. She was getting herself more and more wound up and I thought she might attack me at one point. I came out here so she could cool off a bit and I thought I’d give you a call. How long are you going to be?’
‘I’m walking back. I’ll be fifteen minutes. Hold on.’
‘Fifteen minutes. Try a jog, will ya! I can hear banging in there, Lisa. I think she’s okay but your stuff might not be!’
Lisa hung up the phone. The man was looking at her. He took the last drag on his cigarette. She ran over her options. Fifteen minutes
was a fast walk. It would be less than five in a car.
‘Did you drive here?’ she said.
‘Yes.’
‘I need a lift. Can you run me, like, five minutes down the road? I’ll owe you. Maybe you’ll let me take you somewhere for a coffee? I just need to check on my mum. I think I can help you, but you need to help me first! Please. I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t desperate.’ She wouldn’t have done either. It seemed like a bad idea the moment she said it but she couldn’t think of any other solution.
He looked around again, then bit down on his bottom lip. That gesture again and that look in his eye, the one Lisa had interpreted as fear. She wasn’t so sure that was what it was anymore.
‘Okay. I’ll run you back. I’m parked just over there.’ He turned away from her, pressed a button on a key fob and the lights flashed twice on a white, new-looking truck. She could see McCall’s in small writing down the side. She hesitated now. Maybe walking was a better idea. Fifteen minutes would give her mum enough time to calm down a little. Sometimes she could switch back just as quickly. Lisa could imagine coming home to find her cleaning up anything she might have broken. But Naomi was outside in their front garden. The risk that it all might escalate was too much. Lisa moved towards the passenger seat. As she did the door was pushed open. The man had leaned across and he straightened up as she got in.
‘Where are we going?’ His eyes were still pinned wide. He gripped the steering wheel so tightly that his knuckles showed white. ‘And thanks for caring, I do appreciate it. I’m Andy, by the way.’ The sweat still ran either side of those intense-looking eyes.
‘Sure, no problem, Andy. Somebody has to, right? I’m Lisa.’
‘Nice to meet you. Now, let’s get you back to your mum.’
Lisa lifted her phone back to her ear. She was calling Naomi back. She would stay on the phone until she got there. She was suddenly aware she had put herself into a total stranger’s car. That wasn’t like her at all. Not recently. Her reckless days needed to be behind her now.
Chapter 38
Naomi’s expression showed instant relief as Lisa walked up the front path.
‘She’s still in there. It was noisy for a while but it’s gone quiet. I checked at the window but I couldn’t see her. I didn’t want to go in. I didn’t want to upset her again.’
‘Okay, thanks, Naomi. Take this . . .’ Lisa handed her phone over. ‘If she kicks off, just call the number on there under doctors. They came out last time she was like this. She listens to the doctor. They might even get her to take her medication.’
‘Okay, no problem.’
Lisa readied her key. She pushed it into the lock and hesitated. She rested against the door. She couldn’t hear anything from the other side. She turned the key and pushed it open.
The hallway was small. The stairs were straight ahead, the entrance to the living room almost immediately on the right and the kitchen was on the left. A pot plant lay on the floor, out of place. It was smashed to pieces and the soil looked like it was melting into the carpet.
‘Mum!’ Lisa called out.
‘Yes, love? Is that you, Cathy?’
‘Yes, Mum. You okay?’ Lisa turned to make eye contact with Naomi, she was a pace or two behind her.
‘I am now, love. That horrible girl was round here earlier. She broke my plant, she did! Your sister’s friend — what’s her name?’ Lisa’s mother finished her last word with a grunt, the sort that Lisa knew to mean that she was getting up. Her voice was coming from the living room.
‘You need to go,’ Lisa whispered quickly to Naomi. ‘She seems to be calmer, but if she sees you she might go off on one again.’
‘I never broke the pot plant!’ Naomi hissed.
‘I know! I’ll give you a call later.’
‘What if she kicks off with you? She was so angry earlier. I don’t want to leave you with her, Lisa. She’s getting worse.’
‘I’ll stick around.’ Andy was a few steps further back still. Lisa hadn’t even realised he had followed her down from where they had parked up the street. She’d almost forgotten about him.
‘Who’s this?’ Naomi gestured to Andy with her thumb.
‘Andy. We know each other from the meeting. He’s . . . a friend.’
‘I’ll stick around for a few minutes,’ Andy said. ‘Just to make sure you’re okay. My nan . . . she was similar. I know what they can get like. They’re so brittle — you can’t do anything to protect yourself. I’ll just be here. I don’t think she should see your friend. No offence.’
‘Love?’ Her mum’s voice. She was close now. She appeared in the hall. ‘Who are you talking to?’
‘A . . . a friend, Mum. That’s all. From work.’
‘A friend? What friend?’
Lisa had pulled the front door almost completely closed. She opened it back up now. Naomi had stepped off to the side. Lisa could see her looking over. Andy stood in the doorway. He was smiling.
‘Well, okay! He’s a handsome one, isn’t he?’ Her mother chuckled. ‘Aren’t you going to invite him in?’
‘Er, yes. He’s only popping in for a few minutes, though, Mum.’
‘Well, okay then. Did you want some dinner? I can put some on if you want some? What’s this pot doing here? Did you break my plant?’
‘No, Mum. I’m not sure what happened. Let me clean that up and then I’ll put some dinner on. Don’t you worry. Why don’t you go and watch the telly? I think some of your programmes are on now, aren’t they? You shouldn’t be up worrying about dinner. That’s what I’m here for!’
‘You’re such a good girl, Cathy.’
Lisa watched as her mother walked back into the living room. She exhaled in a sigh. She smiled weakly at Andy. ‘Thanks. Look, this is above and beyond. She’s going to be fine now. Maybe we should meet up for that drink some other time. I need to make sure she’s okay.’
‘I understand. But I can stay for that coffee now? That makes us even. And my leaving might confuse your mum more — she actually seemed to like me! Five minutes and I’ll be happier that you’re both going to be okay.’
Lisa glanced back to where Naomi had stepped back onto the path. She was smiling behind his back. It dropped away quickly when he turned to look at her.
‘I’ll make myself scarce, yeah?’ Naomi said. ‘I don’t want to, er . . . upset your mum . . .’ Naomi gave her biggest grin yet and then winked. It was all Lisa could do to stop herself laughing. For just a second the day seemed to be a lot less grim.
‘I suppose a cup of coffee is the least I can do. I’ll speak to you later, Naomi, okay?’
‘Sure.’ She was backing away down the path. Andy stepped in. He wouldn’t be able to see Naomi making grabbing gestures towards his backside. She spun and walked away and Lisa led Andy into the kitchen.
‘What do you want for dinner, Mum?’ Lisa called out.
‘Yes please, love!’ came the reply. The television was playing loud. Lisa rolled her eyes at Andy and filled the kettle.
‘I’ll do her a tea first. She’s had a long day. Good days and bad days, you know? This is as bad as it’s been for a while.’ She busied herself with prepping mugs and sugar. ‘How do you take your coffee?’
‘Coffee?’ His tone was instantly different. All the tension and latent aggression was back. She looked over at him where he leant against the wall on the opposite side of the room. Both his hands were behind his back, one of his legs was lifted so the sole of his right foot was resting against the wall.
‘Do you mind not putting your foot on the wall?’ Lisa said.
‘You don’t want to be drinking coffee, Lisa. Why don’t you drink what you want to drink?’
‘Coffee does for me now.’
‘No, it doesn’t. Not if you’re really honest with yourself. You’re an addict, Lisa. Alcohol is your thing. That’s who you are. Why are you fighting it?’
‘This isn’t really the time or the place. I thought you wanted a drink? Maybe you should j
ust leave.’
‘You’re still a drunk, Lisa.’
‘Maybe you’re right. But you need to leave.’
‘Now you want me to leave? You followed me out today. You stopped me from walking away so you could intervene. That’s what this was, right? An intervention?’
‘I don’t know what it was. I saw you at the meeting. I remember being like that before. I had somebody to help me and I thought maybe you needed somebody, too — before you end up dead or worse.’
‘Worse?’
‘Worse. Alive and still a slave to the drink.’
‘Who said I was ever a slave to drink?’
‘Whatever your poison is. It doesn’t matter anyway, not when you strip it down. They’re all the same.’
‘Mine isn’t.’
‘Really.’
‘Really. My addiction is death.’
Lisa was reaching for the milk. She put it back down on the bench and stood so she was facing him directly. ‘Death? What sort of addiction is that?’
‘One I’ve been trying to shake. Harder than anyone has ever tried. I’ve been trying to find other ways of making myself feel alive, of making me feel like it’s worth breathing, worth waking up for another day. Nothing else comes close — nothing at all. Today I was walking away, Lisa. You remember that.’
‘Remember it when . . .?’
‘When I’m watching you die.’
Lisa was ready for him when he lunged. He had been building towards it. All the signs were there. The final one was when his hands fell by his sides and he pushed off the wall. But he was only a few strides away and she could only manage a shout before she felt the punch to her stomach. It was firm — enough to knock all the air from her lungs and rob her of her voice in an instant. She felt her eyes bulge and her lips flexed helplessly, trying to suck in some oxygen. Andy’s shoulder pushed against her cheek. He stepped into her. It felt to her like he was still pushing his bunched up fist into her stomach. He pulled it out and she stumbled a step forwards. She looked down at his fist. It was wrapped tightly around a stubby blade that dripped a thick red. She lifted her eyes to meet with his. They flashed wild with excitement. Her hands moved to her stomach and she felt the warmth of her own blood. Her voice was still incapable of more than a low moan.
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