Dan grabs a digestive and then guides our daughter up the stairs. He glances at me, his face full of accusation.
Mike changes into his charming version on the front door step and gives me a peck on the cheek. I collect my washing off the dryer, disappointed that it’s still damp. That’s odd. I’m sure I left five pairs of knickers on it.
Chapter 34
Dan
I stare up at the building I work in, and shudder. It’s only twenty floors, but from this angle it rises forever. I will one leg at a time to enter the reception. Finally, I recognise the emotion when I come here. I’m nervous. A ball of concrete arrives in my stomach as soon as I leave the train, and then when I arrive at the office, my mouth dries, and my pulse races.
Did I always hate it here? I can’t remember. In fact, this morning, I struggled to string two words together in a coherent sentence. Olivia asked me if I’d been smoking weed again. I wish I had, then by stopping I could somehow drag my head from the enormous black cloud I carry with me. My mind tells me to leave this place, walk out, never to return.
Desperate others jostle me from behind in their haste to reach their cells. They have blank faces or pinched expressions. Now I think of escaping, I’m propelled along with the tide. The lift is full. Rivulets of sweat cascade down my lower back and sides. The crush presses my cotton shirt to my skin, and I feel its dampness.
I walk on false legs towards a waving Ken and ignore disingenuous greetings from others. The room is loud with shouted telephone conversations. All I can see is anger, or is it regret? The meeting with the director and Ken is first thing. Acknowledgement of that fact makes my hands tremble.
‘Come on, Dan. They’re waiting.’
Ken’s face smiles. What does that mean? He called me Dan? Is that important? The director shakes my hand with gusto. Words blur and flit around me. Snippets and laughs stick in my brain, but only the last sentence is stark.
‘So, Dan. Are you going to be our floor manager?’
Two beaming faces grin in at me. I try to talk but my parched lips barely move. I hear my chair slide on the carpet and find myself lurching out of the room. The drinks machine shines at me as though the office is in darkness, and the crowd there slip away with worried looks at my approach. I can’t remember how it works, and jab at the buttons. Turning around for help, I see a field of strangers and then another bright flash goes off in my mind.
It’s quiet now. A warm ring spreads from head to toe, leaving peace in its wake. I hear voices and, apart from my legs, my body cools. In the distance, there are echoes of shocked murmurs intermingled with the whisper of my name. I’m aware my arms are outstretched and my eyes jolt open as a high female voice cuts through all others.
‘He’s pissing himself.’
The warmth below my belt is wet. I blink in staccato fashion and the flow continues. There’s a slight release from the suppressed dam of stress that has my brain throbbing. I recall changing into my light grey suit that morning as when I hugged Charlie goodbye, he smeared jam over the shoulder of the dark one. That’s unlucky. There isn’t any hiding in grey. A ringing phone knocks me from my exhausted stupor and I glance at giggling work colleagues.
‘Come on, Dan. This way.’
Ken drags me towards the toilet and I squelch along behind him. We stand facing each other in the disabled toilet, neither of us knowing the words for such an event.
‘I have a spare suit. You’ll have to go commando, but it’ll get you home. I may even have gym socks. Wait here.’
After what could have been seconds or a day, he returns and hands me his clothes and a carrier bag. I think of nothing. I place my wet stuff in the bag and pull his on instead. His waist is narrower than mine, and I have to leave the top button undone.
He’s waiting outside the toilets and takes me to the lifts. Past the rest of the staff. Where before every eye was on me, now everyone is busy. We go through reception and below to a basement I never knew existed. He gestures to a new Audi.
‘Hop in, I’ll drive.’
We depart in silence. The only sounds are the smooth gear changes and blinking indicators. I’m thankful for that. I am surprised he knows where I live, but it’s not a day for those concerns.
‘Is your missus home?’
I nod in reply.
‘She’s hot if I recall.’
Ken’s still a dick, but a kind one. What would I have done without him? He steps out and walks up our drive. She comes back with him, looking worried. I try to smile but my face won’t respond. They talk outside the car. I can’t hear them. Time has ceased until I’m helped from my seat.
‘Take whatever break you need.’
I bob my head again, and Olivia helps me towards the house. I’m unable to thank him as my only focus is holding the sobs at bay.
Chapter 35
Olivia
A month later
It’s been a month since the incident. Dan hasn’t set foot out of bed yet, except for the toilet. I suppose that’s encouraging in light of what he did. However, for three evenings now, I’ve answered the door to find a takeaway guy there. The last one had two bottles of wine on him. To my shame, I carried them up on a tray.
I’ve been so worried I’d lose him, that I couldn’t see him taking advantage of me. Beau has been great and given me the time off to look after him. My mum Dan-sat and looked after the kids for a few days to enable me to keep my hand in, but I need to return to work. If he’s back to boozing, then new rules apply as he’s clearly feeling better.
My mobile rings as I prepare to enter the battlefield.
‘Hello?’
‘Hi, Olivia. How’s Piddle-i-foo?’
‘I’m not sure he’s ready for piss-taking, Ian.’
Dan’s phone has been out of charge since he came home that day. His friend calls me for updates. I’ve been pondering asking Ian something delicate, so his call is good timing. Ian replies as though he hasn’t heard me.
‘Okay, tell him to get a grip, and meet me six weeks on Saturday at eight o’clock. At Café Bleu. He’ll be fine by then. There’s a load of like-minded travellers meeting for drinks.’
‘Okay, Ian. Will do. Before you go, will you be honest with me?’
I expect the line to go dead, but to his credit Ian strangles a cough and replies.
‘Go on.’
‘Has Dan been acting oddly lately?’
‘His behaviour’s always been unusual.’
‘I’m serious. Now I think about things, he was going to work early and coming home late for ages. I used to ring up to speak to him, but his phone would go to voicemail. Ringing the switchboard was a joke as I’d get bounced around the building. I didn’t know where he was.’
‘Are you asking me if he’s been having an affair?’
Shit. ‘Not entirely. He’s not been himself that’s all.’
‘I’ll be honest with you and say I don’t know, but I’d be bloody surprised. I will admit he’s not been himself, but this place isn’t for him. You know yourself, he’d be happier elsewhere. We often meet for a coffee and regularly have a beer after work so I can hear him complain. I wouldn’t worry if I were you. He’s always moaning about how busy he is, so work is where he’ll be.’
‘Okay, thanks, Ian.’
I whisper, ‘Twat’, under my breath as I cut off the call, not worrying if my timing is out. Dan’s had a breakdown and Ian’s trying to arrange nights out. A few beers can be anything from six pints to an apocalyptic ending. It’s annoying he’s polite to me, when I know he will be tempting Dan to do something of which I disapprove.
Dan’s been sleeping in the spare room. He looks up shamefaced when I push the door open. So he should. It’s not even eleven in the morning and he’s holding a glass of red wine. His Kindle Fire is on his lap. I see how he ordered the Chinese. Judging by the wrappers, a third bag of Cheetos has been consumed. A documentary on dinosaurs roars out of the TV.
The only sign that anyone sick stays h
ere is the pungent smell. Even Bailey can’t stand the eye-watering combination of cheese, bed socks and farts, and is nowhere to be seen. I put on my best old lady voice.
‘Are we okay, dear? Still poorly?’
‘A little better, thank you.’
‘Get up, you malingering fool. I begged the doctor to come here as you’re so delicate. Have a shower. Now. He’ll be here in an hour.’
He knows he’s beaten because there’s no backchat, and he traipses to the bathroom.
I’m making us a cup of tea when he comes into the kitchen after Doctor Green has left. Thankfully, we have brilliant healthcare cover at i-BLAM. It’s a great company to work for. Dan’s lost loads of weight, but the spark is back in his eyes. He pulls up a chair at the table and sits down. I stand opposite.
‘Well?’
‘He said it was a classic case of stress. He wrote down all the things I’ve experienced: poor sleep, rubbish diet, shit job, excessive drinking, raising young children, commuting, and what sounds to him like panic attacks. You’ll be surprised to hear I’m not an alcoholic.’
‘That’s a turn-up.’
It’s a joke but falls flat.
‘Are you going back to work?’
‘Didn’t you listen to what I said? That place is responsible for most of it, but never mind the symptoms, can you imagine showing my face after what I did there? He’s signed me off for three months, and I’ll get full pay. He told me to keep away if I valued my health, and him signing a further three months off later is a formality. I’d be on half pay then.’
‘I would need to go full-time.’
He looks pained, but there’s no alternative.
‘Beau wants me in as much as possible anyway, to catch up with the backlog. Grace finishes school in two months. That’s the point I need to tell him if I’m definitely going to California. The roll out begins shortly after.’
‘Let’s hire a camper van. Travel around Europe together. Bailey can get a passport, we’ll all have fun for once. The children will learn more from that than the constant colouring they’re doing at the moment.’
‘Don’t you listen to a word I say? This job is important to me. My career is. I can’t just set this opportunity down and expect it to be there five years later. Why don’t you be a house husband for a while? It’s plain to everyone that your problems lie with your job and you will be fine if you leave. Enjoy spending time with our children. See how funny and interesting they are.’
He isn’t going to change. It’s a shame Abel burnt that rehab centre. A few months in there and I might have my old Dan back.
Charlie brings his new farm animals into the kitchen and lines them up next to Dan. It looks as though they are about to charge him.
‘You’ll be spending plenty of time with your dad from now on, Charlie.’
Father and son regard each other like Laurel and Hardy. What have I done?
Chapter 36
Dan
A week later
The receptionist informs me I can go through to the doctor’s surgery. I sit opposite him in a comfy seat.
‘How are you feeling, Dan?’
Doctor Green peers at me as though I’ve woken up from a twelve-hour brain operation.
‘Irritated.’
‘That’s interesting. Go on and explain.’
‘Who’d have known looking after a three-year-old full-time is such hard work.’
‘Ah, I meant the other issues.’
‘Oh, right. Not great to be honest.’
‘Are you drinking much?’
‘Nothing today, so far.’
He checks his watch, even though we both know it's noon.
‘When did you last drink?’
‘Sunday.’
Today is Tuesday.
‘You missed your appointment yesterday.’
‘Yes, I was too hungover to face the journey.’
‘Drinking is often a sign of self-medicating. Why don’t you try living without alcohol for a few weeks?’
That doesn’t sound appealing. It can be my little secret.
‘Sure. There’s more to life, eh?’
The milkman is talking to Olivia’s mother when I get back. Talking at, is a better description. He hands me that month’s bill when I arrive. It’s difficult for me not to shout out, ‘How much?!’, at the top of my voice when I see the amount. Olivia’s mum disappears when I look up.
‘Did you hear the latest news, Dan?’
‘Milk is now more expensive than champagne?’
His eyes bulge. What have I said?
‘Ah, a joke. Wonderful. That’s a good one. They found a body in the woods, a skeleton. Old bones, but when they dug it up, there was the book Cain and Abel. It’s our man, you understand. They’ve found similar unmarked graves in the past and now they think he’s killed for years.’
What happened to chatting about the weather? Instead, we mention the gruesome things we are capable of doing to others. Malcolm has a furry trapper hat on his head. It has a distinctly feline air. Did he buy it off the postman? As Malcolm waffles on, I try to remember if Olivia said the postie was a cat licker or a cat killer. Both are antisocial hobbies.
‘I wondered if you wanted to come over and use my gym. I’ve set it up in the basement. We can spot each other.’
I’d rather eat a cat than go in his dungeon. ‘That’s kind, Malc. I’ll let you know as I currently have a badminton injury.’
‘You can work on your cardio. Tomorrow night, here’s the address. See you then.’
He leaves me open-mouthed.
I stagger back into the house, with the same enthusiasm as someone who has been told by a doctor that surgery’s not an option. Charlie is playing quietly with his toys. He knows not to mess with Nanny. Her clipped accent slices through his boy world ambivalence in nanoseconds, whereas I could shout in his ear with a loudhailer and he’d carry on destroying whatever he was breaking.
Olivia’s mother is hovering by the fridge when I get to the kitchen.
‘Has he gone?’ She’s agitated which is unusual for her.
‘Yes, for the minute.’
‘I agreed to babysit on Saturday for you.’
‘What? Umm, I suppose that’s kind.’
‘I’m sorry. He’s forceful, and I wanted to escape. I didn’t know you two were friends.’
‘Me neither.’
She mouths ‘oh’ at me, and grins.
‘I hope he plays nicely.’
I wait for her to make her usual quick exit. Instead, she stares at me. I begin to perspire. Her face remains impassive while she lifts an eyebrow. It’s chilling and reminds me of Olivia’s interrogative qualities. She reaches behind her and pulls the fridge open. It’s a welcome sight but also a troubling one. Acceptable, perhaps, if I planned a party.
‘Expecting visitors?’
‘I tend to keep it stocked up in case I’m surprised by unexpected guests.’
‘Let us hope if you are, they’re thirsty.’
She slams the door and the bottles of drink rattle long after it closes.
‘I think it’s time we had a chat.’
Nasty. I see now where Olivia gets her barbed statements. The dog retreats to his basket and shuts his eyes.
‘We’ve never been close, but I’m fond of you. I raised my daughter for many years, and she can be stubborn and difficult. The fact you’ve made it this far is encouraging.
‘My husband, on the other hand, believes you to be a waste of space. He reckons you need a firm boot up your rear end. He says he’d enjoy doing it. Then again, he’s liked none of Olivia’s boyfriends, so don’t think you’re hard done by. Despite the contents of the cabinet behind me, I would say the party’s over. Wouldn’t you?’
She comes and stands too close. She’s taller than I remember. I daren’t glance down to see if she has high heels. I’m a recalcitrant soldier on parade, apart from this sergeant-major smells rose scented. She buttons up the top of my shirt and leans nex
t to my ear. Her breath is warm and menacing.
‘Don’t fuck it up.’
Chapter 37
Olivia
Two days later
I power into the empty school reception and shout, ‘I’m here.’
A woman pops her head out of a room.
‘She’s waiting in my office, Mrs Flood.’
‘I’m so sorry. I have no idea why he wasn’t here, and he’s not answering his phone.’
‘That’s okay, Mrs Flood. These things happen.’
‘Not on my watch.’
I didn’t mean to snarl those words. The headmistress’s eyes widen.
‘Grace is fine.’
We both look over and confirm that’s incorrect. She’s a snivelling wreck on a teacher’s knee. Grace sees me, runs over, and hugs me as if she didn’t expect to see me again. Her wailing, high-pitched voice is at the end of the range of human hearing.
‘I thought you forgot me.’
‘It’s okay, Grace. Mummy’s here.’
I lift her and she snuggles into my neck. Her hot face stokes my rage.
‘This will never happen again.’
‘I don’t wish to pry, Mrs Flood.’
Which means she’s about to.
‘Go on.’
‘Is everything okay with Dan?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Well, one of the teachers’ partners works at the same place as your husband and mentioned he’s been ill.’
Is she stopping herself laughing? Is that a small flicker at the side of her mouth? I haven’t time for such thoughts. I need to go home.
‘That’s being resolved now, and he’s feeling much better.’
‘Another colleague said he arrived late for the school pick-up a few weeks back. It wasn’t the first occasion. There was also a whiff of drink.’
‘He was pissed when he came to collect the kids?’
‘She didn’t think he was drunk, or I’d have mentioned it before. He smelled strongly, that’s all. You know how it is. If you haven’t had any yourself, you can smell it a mile off.’
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