“Oh, honey, that makes perfect sense now. I’m so sorry that happened to you. And I don’t think you’re horrible for what you did. I don’t think Marcy is either. She loves you and had been hurt too and wanted a little retribution is all. She just went about it the wrong way. I’m sure she feels bad for putting you in the middle.”
“Thanks, Sky.”
“And I’d say definitely call him. Don’t text because they’re hard to get connotations sometimes, you know? But, sweetie, be prepared if he’s not too receptive to an apology. But I’ll bet he’ll come around eventually. I’m sure he feels betrayed, maybe even foolish for not recognizing you and we both know how sensitive a man’s ego is,” she stated.
“Hey, now,” I heard Tris say in the background.
“It’s true, baby,” Sky declared before coming back to me. “Anyway, yes, call him and find out where his head is then you’ll be able to stop fretting.”
“Okay. Thanks. Hey, put me on speaker for a sec, okay?”
“Hold on.” Then she informed me, “You’re on!”
“I love you guys. We need to go to dinner soon, okay?” I heard their responses of agreement to have dinner and that they both loved me which made me feel a bit better. “Bye!”
After hanging up, I sat on the sofa contemplating what Sky had told me hoping she was right that Loch would eventually come around. I decided I’d call him in thirty minutes, thinking he probably wouldn’t pick up anyway and actually kind of hoping he wouldn’t. To kill time, I watched a bit of TV then when it was ten-thirty, I went to get ready for bed thinking I’d make the call from there.
I changed into my pjs, flossed, then brushed my teeth… then went to the kitchen and ate a brownie from the batch I’d made that morning… went back to the bathroom and flossed and brushed again, then felt I should shower which I did… then put on a different pair of pjs… went back to the kitchen and grabbed a diet soda to neutralize the calories from the brownie, drank it, went again to the bathroom to floss and brush… and then I was ready to make the call.
I sat cross-legged on my bed and stared at my phone for a while before picking it up. Then I put it back down. Then I picked it up, brushed my thumb over it, flopped back on the bed, pulled up Candy Crush and played a few times. When I closed the game and saw that it was after eleven, realizing I’d wasted a good hour and a half from when I’d hung up with Tris and Sky, I knew it was time to be a big girl and make the call.
Taking a deep breath, I pulled up his number and called. Then I immediately hung up and threw the phone on my bed again.
“Eff! Eff, eff, eff, eff! I’m such a jackwagon! Suck it up and just call him already! God!” I scolded myself. I picked up the phone and was about to try again when I saw I hadn’t properly hung up and the call was engaged.
And I think I saw Jesus right at that very frickin’ moment.
Holy fracking frack!
I stared at my phone in mortal shock and wheezed as I tried sucking in a breath. Then bringing the phone to my ear, I whispered, “Hello?”
“Yo.”
“Um, Loch?” I kept whispering.
“Ryker.”
Oh, holy yikes!
I felt all the color drain from my face before saying, “Oh. Hi, Ryker. It’s, um, Simone St. John.” I was going for casual.
I don’t think I achieved it.
“Huh. Thought that was you last night. Can’t believe Loch didn’t figure that shit out.”
At least Ryker hadn’t told on me which was one good thing. Well, would you look at me finding the silver lining and all! Ergh.
“Um, yeah. I’m sure you know what I was planning… uh, not telling him who I was then leading him on only to tell him to take a hike because he’d been mean to me when we were young.” Hearing it all laid out like that just made it sound so lame now.
“Yep. I figured as much. Hey, did I just hear you say ‘jackwagon’?” I heard him snort which kind of ticked me off because the last thing I need was him making fun of me. And seriously, all of this just needed to be over with. Now.
“Yeah, I guess you did,” I replied a bit testily. Then gathering all the courage I had and facing my fears I forged ahead. “So… is Loch there?”
Ryker chuckled. “Yeah. He’s here.”
I waited for him to give Loch the phone. Then I waited some more. Then a bit more.
Well. Ryker was either not a very smart man or he was a man who was going to make me say what I wanted. When he still stayed silent, I knew it was the latter. Jeez.
“Can I talk to him?” I said semi-exasperatedly.
He chuckled again. “He’s kinda indisposed right now.”
What the heck did that mean?
Then I heard a girl giggling in the background before she let out a squeal of, “Loch! Stop!”
Ha. Indisposed indeed. I felt my entire body get tight as my breathing got shallower. I was such an idiot to put myself through this thinking I even mattered to him.
“Oh. Well, okay, I’ll, uh, let you go then.”
“Simone?”
“Yeah?” I choked out.
“You give it some time, maybe call him when he’s not so fucked up on Jack Daniels he can’t fuckin’ see straight, he might be willin’ to work shit out,” Ryker shared.
“He’s drunk?”
“Came home, soakin’ wet and pissed as hell, grabbed the bottle from the cabinet not botherin’ with a glass then downed half the fucker right there, wet clothes and all. Asked him what was up, all he said was, ‘Simone St. John.’ Knew things had turned sour then.”
Ya think? I didn’t dare say that to Ryker, though. He was scary enough as it was. Just having this conversation with him was scary in itself. He’d never talked much when he was little and the fact that he was telling me all this was just weird.
“But he’s got a woman over there now,” I whispered, pointing out the obvious.
“Nah. That’s just Nikki. She’s a, uh, friend of mine.”
Oh, I’m sure Ryker, as hot as he was, had lots of “friends” but I didn’t say anything because I was listening to Loch and Nikki in the background arguing over what I guessed was a video game, my limited knowledge from Game Traders coming into play for once.
“Tell you what,” Ryker began. “You text him tomorrow, early. He answers or not, call him tomorrow night, I guarantee he’ll be up to listen.”
“Why’re you being so nice to me after what I did?” I blurted then cringed.
He barked out a laugh. “First of all, you caught me when I’m pretty fuckin’ fried myself. Second, my little brother doesn’t give his time to just anyone. Obviously, you mean somethin’ to him or he wouldn’t be drinkin’ away his sorrows right now. Third, you owned up to shit by callin’ which shows me you got character and just might be worth his time.” He paused for a beat as I sat stunned at what he’d said. “And I know how you felt about him when we were kids. He told me what he did at that dance, felt bad he did that to you. Just took the ‘jackwagon,’” he snorted at his use of my ridiculous word, “some time to figure that shit out. By the time he did, you were gone. You’da played shit straight up this time, you’d be here right now instead o’ sittin’ at home lickin’ your wounds.”
Well. Ryker did not mess around with his words.
But he was so right and I was a dumbass. “Thank you, Ryker,” I said, seriously grateful he’d picked up the phone.
“No problem, babe.” I heard Nikki let out a loud giggle then Loch shouted, “Fuck yeah!” and Ryker spit out a, “Fuck!” Then I heard him blow out a breath. “Gotta go. They’ve busted out the tequila. Shit just got fuckin’ real. Might wanna wait on that text ‘til tomorrow night.”
“Okay. Thanks again,” I replied but he’d already hung up.
Great. Here I was sitting at home all alone when I could’ve right then been at Loch’s watching badass blow-‘em-up macho man flicks, pro
bably making out hardcore with him before, during and after each movie. Instead, he was getting plastered with some woman who was almost certainly a friend-with-benefits of Ryker’s, and I cringed when I wondered if Loch had a couple of them too who he might very well invite over.
I got up off my bed, pulled back my covers then slipped in between them. Then I lay there staring at my ceiling for who knows how long going over different scenarios in my head (which was a total waste of time but whatever) of how I should’ve handled things in class last Wednesday. When I got tired of beating myself up over the real-life scenario I’d actually chosen, I reached over and turned off my light.
I got into my going to sleep position by turning onto my side but knew I wouldn’t be falling asleep anytime too soon. I also knew I had no one to blame for how things had turned out but myself.
And that sucked.
A lot.
Confession Number Nine
What seemed like only seconds after I drifted off, my eyes popped open and my breath was coming hard at the nightmare I’d just had. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes and I sat up leaning my back against the wall at the head of my bed as I allowed the tears to fall for a few minutes because the dream had been beyond disturbing. When I stopped crying, I went to the kitchen to get a drink.
As I stood with my butt against the counter, still sniffing from my tears, I wondered how in the heck my mind had even allowed itself to even go there.
In the dream, I’d gotten out of bed and dressed then gone to Loch’s (even though in reality I had no idea where he lived). I’d pulled up to a nice house and saw his truck parked in the drive along with several other vehicles. When I got out of my Jeep, I heard music blasting from the house and walking toward it saw the front door was open so I went inside. I was then in a dark living room that had a TV with a video game playing on it but the sound was muted. A light was coming from the hallway so I went toward it calling for Loch over the loud music. Down the hall I saw the light was coming from a room, so going to it, I pushed it open, belatedly realizing “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails was the song playing, and looking inside, just like the lyrics of the song, saw Loch having wild animal sex with the pretty blond girl he’d argued with at the Pool Party. At my gasp, he turned his head and smiled cruelly at me as he kept screwing her, his hips thrusting hard into her as she looked at me and laughed. I turned away for a moment, planning to get the hell out of there, but when I looked back at the girl I saw she’d turned into Marcy and that’s when I’d woken up.
Holy fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck!
Definitely a cussword moment.
I finished my water then set the glass in the sink and scrubbed my hand over my face, shuddering at the memory of the nightmare and thinking Marcy would have a field day with it. But standing there, arms now crossed and rubbing my hands up and down my biceps, I’d never felt so alone in my life. Even when I’d withdrawn in middle school, I knew my family had been there. But right then, right in that very moment, it seemed as if it was just me against the world. And I hated that feeling.
I let out a sigh then walked back to my room finished with all the depressing crap. After getting in bed I looked at my phone to see it was only a quarter after midnight which meant I’d only been asleep for about ten minutes when I’d awakened from the stupid nightmare. My mind must’ve been in an awesome place to come up with what it had.
I stared at the ceiling for a bit then turned on my side, squeezing my eyes closed trying to force myself to sleep, so ready to get this night over with. And lo and behold, sleep came, beautiful, gorgeous, dreamless sleep which was then interrupted an hour later by my phone buzzing on my nightstand and lighting up my room like the bastard beacon it was.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” I murmured, reaching over to grab it. “What?” I ground out upon answering it.
“Suh-leste,” Loch said drunkenly.
Oh shit.
I sat up quickly, scrunching up my face and putting my hand to my forehead feeling horrible (yet again) about how everything had gone down.
“Loch,” I whispered waiting for him to castigate me in his crocked condition.
“Y’lied.”
Yep. I’d lied. “I know and I’m sorry.”
“Why’dja do it?”
I swallowed thickly. “Because I was an idiot. I’m so sorry, Loch.”
“Should be you here… not her…”
And my heart flew to my throat. I closed my eyes wondering if I was psychic and my dream had just been a foretelling of what was really happening.
Damn it.
Damn it!
“Who’s there?” I asked, not really wanting to know the answer.
“Should b’you…”
“Loch, hang up,” I heard a woman grouchily demand.
God!
“Should b’you, Suh-leste… or S’mone… whatever the fuck your name is.” He was getting mad now but so was I.
“Yeah, get off the phone, Loch,” I snapped and hung up.
Well, that was that.
I tossed my phone back on the nightstand and lay back down feeling even worse than I had after the nightmare. I knew guys this age. Knew how they operated. I’d seen it time and again with the ones I or my friends had dated. You got in a fight. They left mad. They got drunk. They slept with someone else. Then they wanted to make amends with you.
It was one big vicious circle of immature retaliation, and I never understood why they’d think a girl would come back to them after they did that.
So again, that was that.
But I’d thought Loch was different but why should he be? He was a guy of that age. It only made sense. So even though I’d thought I’d been done with him when I returned to Seattle but I was done-r than done now.
And to prove it, I locked my heart up tight… then cried myself to sleep.
~*~*~*~
“We need to talk,” I informed Marcy the next morning.
It was after ten when I walked into the kitchen to find her toasting waffles. At my saying this and at her seeing my face, I watched as her usually sleepy, grumpy self woke up quickly.
“About?” she asked, eyebrows up.
“I’m a bad person.”
She chuckled then quickly pulled the waffles out of the toaster when it popped up and tossed them on a plate.
“Why’s that?” she inquired as she walked to the table. She then sat down, picked up the bottle of syrup and proceeded to pour almost half of it onto her plate.
I got a glass out and poured some orange juice in it, turning to look at her. “I kinda blamed you for everything with Loch.”
Her eyebrows went up again but it didn’t keep her from shoving a forkful into her mouth. I went to the table and sat then told her all that’d happened the night before including the dream.
“That’s a lot happening in one night,” she said.
I nodded because she was not wrong.
“I’m sorry, Sim. You should blame me. I guess I kinda used you, didn’t I? To get back at Loch. I never should’ve suggested you do that.” My eyebrows went up now. “Okay, talked you into doing it. That was shitty advice and I’m to blame for the mess you’re in.”
I frowned. “Wasn’t like I didn’t agree to do it. It’s not all your fault, Marce.”
“Yeah, but I put it in your head. Sorry. You forgive me?”
I gave her a small smile, nodded then took a drink.
“You know I wanna tell you what the dream meant,” she prompted.
I snorted because I knew she was itching to tell me. “Yep. But maybe as punishment, I won’t let you.”
“That’s just fucked up.”
I laughed. “Maybe. But you are getting off scot free here.”
“Never. Your pain is my pain, babe.”
And that’s why I loved her and forgave her s
o willingly. I gave her smile and returned, “Back at you.”
“So as for the dream…” she started and I chuckled knowing she couldn’t let it lie. “Well, I’m sure you’ve figured it out. Your insecurities mixed with your anger at me brought it on.”
I nodded.
“So what’re you gonna do about things with him?”
“Really isn’t much to do.” I shrugged.
“You could talk to him.”
“No. I don’t think that’s necessary. Here’s the deal. If he’d just been some guy I met and we’d had an argument then he called me drunk and I knew he had a girl over, I’d be over it.” I shrugged. “I knew I was more invested with Loch because of our past but why can’t I be over it now too? Yeah, it hurt me. Yeah, I screwed up. But why do I have to brood over it? I liked him. I made out with him a couple times. But I’ve only just now known him for what, five days? I’ll get over it.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah. And all I just said is true. I don’t know why I let everything from the past seem so devastating to me up until now. I guess because I was an insecure little girl. But now that I followed your ‘shitty’ advice,” I grinned at her as she gave me a funny face, “I tried doing something mean to him as payback, which made me come off as a bitch, and I got burned. Game over.”
“Oooh, work talk,” she declared with a chuckle.
I chuckled too. “Anyway, there’s no future for Loch and me. All I can do now is try to be his friend. Be nice to him. If he doesn’t want that, then I’m good.”
And I was. I hoped.
I finished my juice and got up from the table. “Gotta get ready for work. You and Adam doing okay?” I asked over my shoulder as I rinsed my glass out then put it and the one from last night in the dishwasher.
She smiled. “More than okay. I think I’m falling for him.”
This made me smile. “Good for you.” I stood straight and turned to her as I closed the dishwasher door. “You deserve to be in love.”
“You do too, Sim.”
Loch (The Powers That Be Book 3) Page 9