by Diana Palmer
She frowned. The conversation was going far out of bounds. She wasn’t sure what she believed anymore. She was drawn to Luke, but he was talking as if he wanted her to give up her job and just stay at home all the time. She knew she could never do that. Her work was fulfilling, important, almost sacred. She had a mission in life that she couldn’t sacrifice for dirty dishes and housework.
“I’m not cut out to be a happy homemaker,” she said on a hollow laugh.
“No pots and pans and dirty diapers for you, right?”
She wasn’t sure about that, but he was being sarcastic. “Maybe so,” she said after a minute. “I’m doing an important job, and it isn’t one that everybody can do. I enjoy my work. I have to feel that I’m contributing something to the world.”
He turned his head and stared toward the horizon without speaking. He hadn’t counted on this. He was falling in love, and he’d thought she was, too. But she obviously wasn’t the marrying sort of woman, and she didn’t want an affair. That left nothing but friendship, and that wouldn’t be enough for him.
“I’ve never been much on glorious causes,” he said finally. “I raise cattle. It’s what I enjoy, and it makes a good living for me. But I always thought that it would come naturally to me to be a family man. I want kids. I’d be good to them, and they’d have all the things I didn’t have when I was growing up, like loving parents and security.” He shrugged. “I suppose it’s an old-fashioned ideal in this modern world, but it’s still what I want most.” He stared off into space, his chin lifted, the air cooling his face. He sighed and turned and looked down at her. “Well, I’ve enjoyed having you and the boys around, despite our bad beginning,” he said and actually smiled. “And if you come back next summer, you can bring your brood over again and I’ll show them what ranching is all about.”
He was pleasant and friendly and all at once she felt a door closing. He was going to be her friend, her good neighbor in the summer, and not one thing more. She knew without a word being spoken that there would be no trip to the opera, no weekend visits to Houston. She knew it as certainly as if he’d spoken aloud.
“I’ll remember,” she replied in a subdued tone. “Thank you.”
He shrugged. “What are friends for?” he mused. “Well, I’d better be going. Keep an eye on Kells for me when you get home, will you? He’s a fine young man. I’d hate for him to backslide.”
“I’ll make sure he doesn’t,” she promised.
He nodded. “So long, then.”
“So long.”
She watched him climb into the cab of the truck, crank it and drive off with a careless wave. It was more than a door closing. It was the end of something that would have been sweet and fulfilling, and she’d smashed it with a few cold words.
She folded her arms around her chest and wondered why she’d felt compelled to say things that she didn’t really even believe. She was afraid, she decided. Afraid to take a chance so risky, to get married and end up as her poor father and mother had. She wasn’t the sort to be unfaithful and she didn’t think Luke was, either, but she’d seen a bad marriage firsthand and she was frightened.
Her job was safe, comfortable, secure. She knew where it would take her, she knew the path well. Marriage was a trek through a maze, with false turns and sudden stops and danger all around. She barely knew Luke. What if the man she saw on the surface wasn’t the real man at all?
She turned around and went back inside. It was useless to speculate. She felt empty and alone, but she knew it was for the best. She was too uncertain to take that final step with Luke. He deserved someone who knew what they wanted.
CHAPTER FIVE
Belinda stuck to her guns about being independent, but if she expected Luke to try to change her mind, she was disappointed. He came by frequently to talk to the boys, and he was making inroads into teaching Kells cowboying. He brought the youth over to see Belinda, and he was as open and friendly as he had been at the beginning. But he wasn’t approachable.
“I guess you’re packing already,” he remarked a few days before her vacation ended as he stood leaning back against one of the support posts on the cabin’s front porch. “Eager to get going?”
“Not terribly,” she said carefully. “It’s been educational and a lot of fun. But I’ve got work to catch up. Vacations can’t last forever.”
“They wouldn’t be much fun if they did,” he remarked. His blue eyes slid over her slender body in jeans and a knit shirt. “How old are you?” he asked abruptly.
She blinked, surprised. “I’m twenty-seven,” she said.
His eyes narrowed. “The older you get, the harder it’s going to be to give up your independence. You’ll draw into a shell and never come back out.”
She glared at him. “It’s my shell.”
“Pity to waste your youth on a job, no matter how important it is,” he commented. “Plenty of women juggle marriage and a career and even children. It isn’t impossible, especially with a partner who’s willing to compromise.”
“I don’t want to compromise,” she said stubbornly. Her green eyes flashed. “I told you, I’m happy as I am.”
“Got a cat?”
She frowned. “What do I need with a cat?”
“For companionship,” he emphasized. “You can’t go on living completely alone. You’ll get lonesome.”
“I hate cats!”
“Liar.”
She sighed angrily. “Okay, I don’t hate cats, but I haven’t got time to take care of a pet.”
“You could get one of those Japanese electronic things that you have to feed and clean up after,” he suggested.
“I don’t want an electronic pet.”
“I’ve got one on my computer,” he drawled playfully. “It barks and growls and romps across the screen. Some of them even evolve.”
“Wonderful. Just what I need. A dog to guard my computer.”
“They’re cute.”
She hated the way her eyes kept going to his long legs and slim hips and broad chest. He was sexy and she was going overboard about him. She couldn’t backslide now, when she was so close to getting away from him in time!
“Next thing you know, they’ll have a life-size electronic pet that you have to feed and water and clean up after. What’s wrong with the real thing?”
“Beats me, darlin’,” he murmured softly, and chuckled when she flushed at the endearment. “You’re the one who doesn’t want to get married.”
“Why should I need an electronic pet just because I don’t want to get married?”
He smiled slowly. “You’d have something to lavish affection on. Something to keep you company. Something to cuddle.”
“I’d like to see you cuddle an electronic blob!”
He shifted suddenly away from the post and stopped just a few inches away from her, his hands on his slim hips as he searched her flushed face. “I’d like to cuddle you, Belinda,” he said softly. “We could sit on the sofa and watch TV together in the evenings when we were through with work. We could lie in my hammock on lazy summer evenings and kiss each other to a cricket and hound dog serenade. We could share coffee and cake at two in the morning when we couldn’t get to sleep. Can you do that with a virtual pet or a legal pad?”
She hated what her heart was doing inside her chest. Her wide, worried eyes met his. “I’m scared!” she burst out.
“I know you are, and I know why.” He touched her cheek with his fingertips, tracing a pattern on its flushed softness. “I’m uneasy, too. It’s a big step from friendship to intimacy. But we’ve got a lot in common, and I don’t mean just cattle.” His fingers fell to her soft mouth. “Don’t throw it away on a job.”
She drew back as if his fingers scalded her. Her eyes were wide, her face drawn with misgivings and confusion. “I don’t want to…belong…to anyone,” she bit off. “If I stay by myself, depend on myself, I won’t ever get hurt.”
“Maybe not,” he agreed. “But you’ll never know what it is t
o really share love, either. You’ve got a big heart. You’ve given your time, your hard work, your heart to these boys in your camp. Why is it so hard to do the same thing with a man?”
She grimaced. “Love doesn’t last,” she groaned.
“It does,” he disagreed. “If you can compromise, it does. Nothing comes with a money-back guarantee in this life, but people with kind hearts and things in common don’t usually end up in divorce court. Try looking around you at elderly couples, people who’ve been together for fifty years or more. I believe love can last, if you give it a chance.”
She sighed wearily. “I don’t believe it,” she said. “I’m sorry. For me, that’s a fairy tale. There aren’t any happy endings.”
“You cynic,” he chided. “Take a chance. Dare everything. Risk it all.”
“I’m not a gambler,” she replied. “I’m a conventional, conservative woman with no real sense of adventure. I don’t take chances, ever.”
He shook his head sadly. “Well, it’s a waste,” he told her. “You’ve got so much to give, Belinda. But you’re wrapped up in your own fears.”
“I’m not afraid of anything!” she flashed.
“Except love.”
She started to argue, but she couldn’t find the right words.
He tapped her nose with his forefinger and smiled.
“You may be a quitter. I’m not. Just keep running, darlin’. When you’ve worn yourself out, I’ll still be here.”
“Why?” she asked, almost in anguish.
His face sobered, and his eyes began to glitter in his lean face. “You’re worth fighting for, didn’t you know? And I’m a stubborn man when I want something that badly.”
“It’s just physical attraction!” she muttered.
“Nope.”
“I’m something different, something out of the ordinary.”
“You’re that,” he agreed. He tilted her chin and dropped a brief, hard kiss on her soft mouth. “Okay, no hard sell. But don’t make the mistake of thinking I’ll go away. I’m like a rubber ball. I keep bouncing back.”
“I won’t change my mind,” she said through her teeth.
He only laughed, got back into his truck and drove off.
“I won’t!” she yelled after him.
It wasn’t until she realized the boys were all staring at her that she turned around and went back into the cabin.
* * *
The next couple of days passed all too quickly, not only for Belinda but for Kells. He was almost in tears when he climbed into the van for the long drive back to Houston. The boys from the bunkhouse had come out en masse to shake hands and wish him well.
“See you back here next summer, young feller,” one of the older men said jauntily. “Mind you keep well shy of trouble, too!”
“Yes, sir, I sure will,” Kells promised with a sad smile. “Sure am gonna miss you guys.”
“We’ll miss you, too, son,” another wrangler agreed. “Study hard, now. Cowboying is more complicated than it used to be. You need a good education even to keep tally books!”
“I’ll remember,” Kells promised.
Luke was standing beside the driver’s side, where Belinda was trying to be cheerful and failing miserably. She looked up into eyes that were as blue as a robin’s egg and felt her heart contract painfully. He was friendly and cheerful, but suddenly remote, as if he felt nothing passionate for her at all.
His attitude confused and even wounded her, but she tried to behave nonchalantly. She held out her hand. “Thanks for all the help,” she said with a forced smile. “I’d never have gotten through this without you.”
He glanced at the boys and smiled and waved to them as they climbed aboard. “You had a good group. Like I said, if you come again next summer…”
“I…don’t think I will,” she said, having made that painful decision the night before. She didn’t want to see Luke again, ever. “I’m going to put the land on the market. If you’re quick, you can get it before Mr. Parks does.”
He was staring at her. “I thought you’d decided that the camp was a good idea.”
She shook her head. “Too many unexpected pitfalls,” she replied. “If you hadn’t been around, Kells would have gone to jail. I had no idea what I was getting into, although it turned out better than I expected.” She stared at his top shirt button instead of his face. “I’ve decided to leave the special camps to people who know what they’re doing. I came close to causing a disaster, with the best intentions in the world.”
“Funny. I thought you did a grand job,” he said.
She smiled halfheartedly. “We’ll have to wait and see about that.”
He pursed his lips. “I guess you’re glad to be leaving,” he said carelessly.
She hesitated. She almost said that she felt empty and alone, more so than ever before in her life, and that she wasn’t glad at all. But the moment passed. “Yes,” she said with a faint smile. “I’ll be glad to get back to work.” She held out her hand. “Thanks again.”
He took her hand and curled his fingers into hers, watching her breath catch at the contact. She felt something for him, something powerful, he knew she did. But she was frightened and ready to bolt. He could tell by the coolness of her fingers, the uncertain flicker of her eyelids as she tried and failed to meet his eyes.
“There are no great rewards without great risks,” he said under his breath.
She lifted her eyes and had them trapped by soft blue ones. “My parents…”
“You’re not your parents,” he replied simply. “And I’m not mine. Life is a risk. Everything’s a risk. If you never take a chance, if you always try to play it safe, what’s life worth? You get nothing except monotony.”
“I don’t like taking chances,” she said curtly.
“You could learn to like it,” he mused. “But you’ll have to find that out the hard way, I expect.”
“It’s my choice,” she said doggedly. “You can’t tell me how to live my life.”
“I can’t, hmm?”
“That’s right, you can’t,” she said firmly. “I’m leaving now. I’m going back to my own life, to my job.”
“And that’s all you need to be happy, right?”
“Right!” She straightened. “I’m glad you finally understand that.”
He smiled in a strange, calculating way. “I understand more than you think. Well, since you’re determined to leave, here’s something to take with you back to Houston and your perfect job.”
He moved forward and swept her up against him, bent her back over his arm in the best Hollywood tradition, and with a wicked laugh, kissed the breath and the fight right out of her. She felt as if she was melting right down the front of him, her lips hungry and aching as he kissed them, her body throbbing at the long, hard contact with his strength. By the time he was through with her, she was clinging and moaning helplessly. He had to lift her arms away and steady her before she could stand alone.
Several hectic seconds later, she wobbled to the van and climbed in, fumbling the key into the ignition to the amused catcalls of her passengers.
“I bet he watches them old movies on TV,” Kells said gleefully.
“Could you be quiet?” Belinda asked. “We’ve got to get on the road. Goodbye, Mr. Craig!” she said gruffly.
He swept off his hat and bowed mockingly. “Au revoir, Miss Jessup!” he called after her.
She stomped too hard on the accelerator and almost flooded the engine. As the van jerked its way out of the yard toward the gates, Luke was laughing wickedly. He was a keen fisherman, and this was the championship tournament of his life. He was going to land that feisty little fish. It would take patience and fortitude, but he’d never been lacking in those qualities.
He put his hat back on and went toward the barn, whistling all the way.
* * *
The first two weeks Belinda was back at work in Houston, she felt a new emptiness in her life. She hadn’t considered how lonely it
was going to be without the boys. Over the weeks, she’d gotten used to them. Now, she felt as if she’d left her family behind. And she missed Luke ridiculously.
She was just leaving the courthouse after a particularly rough morning when she almost ran into Kells at the bottom of the steps.
He grinned. “I got something to show you,” he said, producing a handful of papers.
She took them, looked at them, and gasped. “Why, Kells, this is extraordinary!”
It was, too. He had straight A’s on English, math and science papers.
He was still grinning. “They think I’m going crazy at home, cause all I do is study. I just ignore them when they start drinking. I stay in my room and crack those books. It’s not so hard, after all, Miss Jessup. You just got to get motivated.”
“That’s exactly right. Oh, I’m so proud of you!” she exclaimed.
He looked sheepish. “Thanks. Reckon you might tell Mr. Craig?”
She closed up. “I haven’t heard from him.”
“You could write him, though, couldn’t you?” he persisted.
She had to agree that she could, although she didn’t really want to. She sighed. “I suppose I could, considering what a happy surprise those grades are going to be for him. I’ll do it.”
“Thanks, Miss Jessup. And not only for that, but for believing in me,” he added solemnly. “Nobody else ever thought I was worth their time.”
“You’re worth my time,” she said with a smile. “Mr. Craig believes in you, too.”
“That’s what keeps me going,” he told her. “That job next summer. I’m going to work so hard, Miss Jessup. I’m going to learn all I can before I go back. I’ll make Mr. Craig proud of me.”
“Indeed you will,” she said.
“Gotta go. I’m taking a night course in Spanish,” he added, surprising her. “They speak it on the ranch, you know, and there’s a couple of Mexican hands. See you, Miss Jessup!”
She waved and then caught her breath at his ambition. To think that only a few short months ago, he might have ended up in juvenile hall for good, and then in jail. How many children like Kells never made it because they had no one to encourage and believe in them? She felt good inside. If she only pulled one child out of the hopelessness of poverty, her job was worthwhile. Why couldn’t that hard-nosed cowboy in Jacobsville understand that, she thought furiously.