by Monica James
And then of course, there’s Jasper.
He’s standing utterly still, staring at me. If it wasn’t for his chest rising in quick, successive breaths, I would say he has been frozen solid.
His eyes are wide, searching mine frantically, and he’s asking me, without a word, if what V has said is true.
I lower my eyes, unable to hide the truth.
A small gasp escapes Jasper’s lips, and then everything crashes before me with a loud thud.
I think I’m going to faint.
All of a sudden I feel hot and clammy, and my tight dress is suffocating me with each breath I take.
I need to get out of here.
And I do exactly that.
I turn around and run towards the exit like the wind.
So, here I stand in the exact same spot, staring out into the ocean, watching a sea bird flap its wings against the full moon, crying once again.
This spot shares bittersweet memories, and as I think about them, as opposed to the new ones I have made tonight, which do I prefer?
I think about all those nights ago, crying over a stupid thing like a broken heart. What I feel here, now, is a million times worse.
“Ava.”
I cringe as soon as I hear his voice, but instead of wiping away my betrayal like I did in the past, I allow my tears to run freely.
“Look at me.”
I guess that makes sense. He wants to look at me when he tells me it’s over.
Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath, wishing it gave me courage. But it doesn’t.
Reopening my eyes, I turn towards him slowly.
The moonlight reflects off his pale, haunted face, and his usual milky white skin, appears ghostly.
Looking at him, standing before me, breaks my heart.
I can’t lose him.
The sob I’ve been trying to hold onto escapes me and I choke on it. I bury my head in my hands and let the tears break free.
Luckily, the loud surf hitting the rocks below drowns out my anguished wails.
I don’t know how long I’ve been crying, it may be five minutes or five seconds, either way, I don’t feel any better.
I feel worse.
That is until my hands are gently removed from my face, and with shaky fingers, Jasper wipes away my avalanche of tears.
“Don’t cry. I can’t stand to see you cry,” he says, brushing my tears away with his fingertips.
I try and snuffle up my tears, but fail.
“I’m s-sorry,” I stutter as he quietly wipes away my continuous tears.
As I peer up at him, he appears blurred due to my watery eyes, but from what I can see, he looks broken and torn.
My heart drops and I begin shaking at the realization of what’s about to happen. He’s going to leave me.
If he’s going to do it, then I will meet his eyes and respect his decision, even though I’m struggling to survive.
We stand, staring at one another. The silence is deafening. Why isn’t he saying something? Anything? I need to know what he’s thinking.
Jasper closes his eyes for a moment and takes a deep breath. As he reopens them, he places both his palms on my cheeks, resting our foreheads together. His warm breath caresses my face, and I hate to think this may be the last time I ever feel it.
That thought produces a fresh set of tears, and my body wracks with silent sobs.
“Ava, ssh… ssh. Don’t cry,” he whispers and pulls away, softly kissing away my tears.
The light flutter of his lips passing over my skin sends my already shaking body into a convulsion of shudders. Deciding to get lost in the moment, I close my eyes, drowning in his kisses, his lips never leaving my face.
After a few moments of stillness, Jasper whispers, “Dance with me.”
Opening my eyes, I look at the man I love with my entire being.
“Dance with you? Here?” I question, sniffing.
He nods, his cerulean eyes sparkling in the moonlight.
“But there’s no music,” I whisper, hating to state the obvious.
Jasper shrugs, and the wind blows his soft tresses across his brow. “We’ll make our own.”
Before I have time to question him, he wraps his warm fingers around my waist, pulling me toward him. With no other place I’d rather be, I settle against him firmly.
I contentedly sag against him as I enfold my arms around his neck, snuggling into his solid chest.
Is this our last dance?
The thought is one I can’t deal with, so I burrow my face into Jasper’s woody, comforting scent.
He senses my anxiety and grips my hips tighter. “So it’s true?” he simply asks.
There is no need for him to clarify what he is referring to, so I respond by giving him a small nod.
I feel his chest inhale, then exhale.
“How long have you known?” he asks, moving me slowly from side to side.
“Two days,” I reply shamefully. “I was going to tell you. I just… I just didn’t know how,” I whisper.
Jasper stands rigid at my confession and panic overtakes me.
“I’m sorry, Jasper,” I say on a sob.
“Ava, please don’t apologize. You’ve got nothing to be sorry for,” he says.
“But… but,” I fumble over my words.
“But nothing. I understand, baby.”
“You what?” I ask as I stop rocking in his arms, pulling back to look up at him.
“I understand,” Jasper repeats.
“So, you’re not mad at me? You’re not going to break up with me?” As soon as the words leave my lips I feel like I might be sick.
Jasper looks as if I’ve snapped him. “Baby, no. You hear me? We’re in this for the long haul. There is no me without you. Understand?”
Nodding, I feel tears prick my eyes yet again, and I bite my lip to stop them from falling.
He strokes my hip with his thumb and the movement calms me.
“I’ll admit, this is a shock. A big shock. But we’ll deal. We always do,” he says, his eyes searching my face.
I can’t help the relieved breath that whooshes out of my lungs.
“So you want to… keep it?”
I know it’s not the right thing to ask, but I have to know if he really wants this. I don’t want him to feel obligated to me, in any way, shape, or form.
Jasper stops caressing my hip and looks at me, stunned. “Of course I want to keep it. Don’t you?” he questions, almost afraid of my reply.
I lower my eyes because I really don’t know what I want.
“Hey, look at me,” Jasper says, softly raising my chin.
Lifting my eyes, I take him in, and in this moment, Jasper White is my strength, he’s my reason for existing. I know that on the inside he’s just as scared as me, but on the outside, his actions don’t betray his fear, and that’s because he’s being strong for me, for us.
Suddenly, all my fear and doubt carries away on the night’s cool breeze.
Do I want this baby? Fuck yes.
“Yes, I want our baby,” I answer with conviction, because I feel it, for the first time, I really want this.
The expression of absolute love shining on Jasper’s face warms my heart, as he looks like a man who has just been given his purpose in life. He drops to his knees, surprising me as he wraps his arms around my middle, resting his cheek against my flat belly.
After a few moments of him gripping onto me like I’m his lifeline, he whispers, “I can’t believe we made you.”
I gasp, touched by his affection towards something he can’t see or feel.
“I’m going to be the best dad. I’m going to give you everything I never had… I promise.”
His sweet words touch something deep inside me, and as I look down, seeing him rest his cheek flat against my belly, talking to our baby, I can’t stop the rush of tears.
He’s going to give our child everything, and of course he’s going to be the best dad, I never doubted that for a
minute.
What a lucky baby.
Jasper presses a soft kiss against my belly, and rises to his feet with tears in his reflective eyes. He places his hand against my cheek, lowering his lips to mine and gives me the briefest of kisses before he pulls away, smiling.
“Ah, now I know why you were avoiding me in the bedroom.”
I blush, as he knows me too well.
“Damn, I hope that’s not true. Because I have no hope of keeping my hands to myself.”
Wiping away my tears with my thumbs, I reply, “I need to talk to my doctor about that, and other stuff.”
Jasper looks alarmed. “Oh, so you haven’t been to the doc yet?”
I shake my head. “No. That’s one of the reasons why I didn’t tell you straight away. I wanted to make sure I was 100% pregnant, as those tests are not always accurate.”
“One of the reasons?” Jasper questions, arching an eyebrow.
I bite my lip and nod. “Yeah. And the other is because I was too chicken shit to tell you. I’m sorry, I should have told you, but I just wanted to be sure. I mean this is… big. Really big,” I reply.
Jasper nods. “I understand, Ava. I can imagine how hard it was. I’m an idiot for not guessing something was up. You could never resist my big blue eyes,” he teases with a smile.
I smile, relieved he’s making a joke instead of dumping my ass.
“So now that you know, I’ll contact the doctor’s office tomorrow to organize an appointment.”
Jasper nods happily. “I’ll come, too.”
“You don’t have to,” I answer quickly, as my paranoia that this is too good to be true has taken over.
Jasper shakes his head stubbornly. “Like hell I don’t. We’re in this together.”
I smile at his enthusiasm, grateful he has put my paranoia to rest.
“Okay.”
“So, about this no sex stuff,” he says, a big grin spreading from cheek to cheek.
That look gets me every time and I suddenly feel my insides heat.
“Is that really true?” he asks, brushing aside a lock of my hair and kissing just below my ear.
My skin prickles in awareness as he begins his descent down my neck and over my jaw, which he nips softly.
A low moan escapes my lips. “I’m not sure,” I manage to get out. “But I will find out. Soon.”
I gasp as he leads up to my ear, softly tugging on the lobe between his teeth.
“Good,” he whispers into my ear.
He pulls back with a cocky smirk. My legs are about to turn into jelly.
“I love you, Ava. I love you so much. And now I have more of you to love.”
Raising my eyebrow at him, I purse my lips. “You better not be referring to me growing into the size of a house,” I half joke.
Jasper lets out a hearty laugh, but doesn’t reply, leaving the comment hanging.
I slap him playfully on the chest, and he lets out a grunt on impact.
“I’m kiddin’.” He grins, latching onto my hand and holding it against his chest.
The steady beat of his heart drums lightly beneath my fingertips, and the feeling lulls me into a comfortable state.
He gives me a dimpled smile. “But even if you do get to the size of a house.”
Raising both eyebrows this time, I give him a pointed look, daring him to continue.
He raises his hands in mock surrender as he continues, “Not that I’m saying you will. But even if you did, I would love you anyway. What I meant was, I have more of you to love, because we created a mini you.”
“And you,” I reply quickly.
Jasper nods, and I can see his brain ticking over the fact we have created something magical.
We have created a miracle.
He shakes his head, unbelieving. “A mini version of us. Our baby,” he says. “Un-fucking-believable.”
He looks at me like he’s the happiest man in the world, and not for one second do I doubt that he just may be.
He surprises me by picking me up and lifting my feet off the ground, twirling me around until I am dizzy.
And even though the world is spinning around me, everything is the clearest it’s been in days.
“I’m sorry. Doctor Hemming won’t be back till the twentieth of this month,” the nasal voice barks at me from my iPhone.
“That’s two weeks away,” I say, annoyed, looking at the calendar hanging from a hook in the kitchen.
“Yes, Miss, I’m well aware of the date,” she replies rudely. I can hear her clicking a pen incessantly while talking to me.
“Okay fine. I’ll just wait till he returns,” I respond, far from impressed with her so not helpful behavior.
I really don’t want to wait, but what other choice do I have?
“Miss, you can see another doctor if it’s urgent,” she says casually. “I can book you in with…” she pauses, and I hear her tapping away at a keyboard. “Doctor Reger, today at four o’clock, if you like? And then you can discuss the results with Doctor Hemming when he returns, as the results usually take up to ten days to arrive.”
Finally, the first lick of sense all day!
“That’ll be perfect, thank you,” I say on a quick breath.
After I hang up, I decide to sneak in some homework before I have to face the reality of going to the doctor. All of this is so foreign to me, I need a handbook!
Hmm, I wonder if there is a handbook.
The doorbell chimes, which thankfully interrupts my thoughts.
Looking down at my bleach splotched yoga pants and baggy tank, I groan. I look like a total slob, as I was not expecting company. I really should change, but I don’t have time. The doorbell chimes continuously, assaulting my eardrums.
I stalk through the living room, covering my hands over my ears to block out the racket.
“What?” I ask loudly, trying to be heard over the dinging as I pull the door open.
Before me, I see a humongous stuffed black cat, holding a love heart which reads, ‘I’m Sorry.’ He kinda looks like Oscar.
I raise my eyes higher to see a red, ‘I’m Sorry’ helium balloon attached to the cat’s tail, catching in the wind. And if that isn’t enough, my eyes fall to a huge bunch of mixed flowers with an, ‘I’m Sorry’ balloon, sitting in the center of the bouquet.
I peer up and see my best friend staring at me with red rimmed, raccoon smeared, anxious eyes. A tear slips down her colorless cheek, and I know there are more to follow. For once she’s quiet, which is troubling, so I quickly put her out of her misery.
“So, I take it you’re sorry,” I say with a small smile, peering at the goods before me.
V drops everything she’s holding onto the ground, wrapping her arms around my neck.
“Ava, I’m sorry! Oh, I’m such an idiot. I can’t believe I told Jasper. It was out before I could stop myself. Please don’t hate me. I’ll do anything. I’ll be your slave. I’ll do your shopping. I’ll be your personal masseuse. I’ll even deliver your baby, just please forgive me,” she says, finally out of breath.
I pull out of her embrace, smiling at her melodramatics. “Of course I don’t hate you. This,” I say, gesturing to her paraphernalia which is strewed on the floor, “wasn’t necessary. But I’ll take it anyway,” I joke, grabbing the stuffed cat and flowers off the porch.
“This kinda looks like Oscar,” I comment, holding up the stuffed animal.
V nods, her messy ponytail slipping out of its insecure clasp. “I know. That’s why I got it. I knew you couldn’t stay mad at me if I got you an Oscar lookalike.”
I give her a challenging look, and her lower lip begins trembling uncontrollably.
“Come inside, you big crybaby.” I smirk, holding the door open for her.
She wipes her eyes with the back of her sleeve, sniffing. “I can’t believe you’re not mad at me,” she says as we walk towards the kitchen. She takes a seat on the barstool and I begin percolating some coffee, as this conversation requires a serio
us caffeine hit.
“It doesn’t matter. In your own demented way you were sticking up for me. How can I be angry at you for voicing how I felt?” I question while watching the coffee filter.
“I know, but it wasn’t my place to tell him, it was yours,” she replies, tugging on her lip ring nervously.
I raise my hand to silence her, but decide to have some fun with her because she totally deserves it. “It doesn’t matter. It’s done now. I just have to accept that I’m going to be a single mom.”
V’s face is priceless. Her mouth drops open, and I can see the wheels churning, processing what I just said. She looks like she’s about to have a mental breakdown.
“I’m joking,” I quickly say, afraid she’s going to collapse into the corner and begin rocking in the fetal position.
“Oh, that’s a rotten joke, you bitch,” she says, laughing. “But I guess I kinda deserved it.”
“Damn straight you did,” I reply, giggling.
“So, what happened?” she asks quietly, afraid of what I’m going to tell her.
What happened is that Jasper turned out to be the world’s best boyfriend.
Feeling my cheeks tip up into a smile, V chuckles when she sees my glowing face. “No need to answer that.”
Reaching for two mugs, I pour our much needed coffees, adding a splash of soy milk for me.
“He wants to have it, V. I’ve never seen him so happy before.”
“And how do you feel about it?” she questions as I slide across her mug.
“Seeing his face light up when I told him he’s going to be a dad,” I pause. “It made my mind up for me. I want to have this baby.”
V squeaks and claps excitedly. “I’m so happy for you two! Oh Ava, you’re going to be a mommy.” V’s eyes begin to water and mine follow in quick succession.
“Oh, stop it,” I chuckle, wiping my tears away with my fingers. “You’re going to make me cry, and I won’t know for certain until I go to the doctor.”
V waves me off. “You know you have a little Jasper or Jaspette in there.” She smirks, pointing at my belly.
I nod because this is the first time since I found out that it feels real, that I’m actually pregnant.
V smiles. “Okay, enough baby talk. Have you spoken to Jasper about New York?”