She stomped into the bathroom and slammed the door. I stood outside.
“Natalie! I said I'm sorry!”
“Fuck you, asshole!” she cried.
“Come out of the bathroom.”
“No!”
“Well, anyway, I was going to tell you that we didn't even play our full set tonight. We had to replace Bungie. Then we almost died on the highway. We almost got arrested—twice, I think. Well, probably three times. I couldn't call you to tell you any of this because my phone really did get run over by a car after it fell out of Derrick's window.”
“Who the fuck is Derrick?”
“Derrick Knott. From BatDick.”
“BatDick sucks.” she sniffled.
“Yeah, but Derrick is cool. He filled in at the last minute, and he’s in the band for good now...because he showed us what true friendship is all about.”
“...The fuck are you talking about?”
“Nothing. Anyway, he played great, too, until we got kicked off stage.”
The door opened.
“You got kicked off?”
“Yeah.”
“Why?”
“AngerFM's tour manager was a big douche, and we tried to follow his rules but kinda got carried away...so they booted us halfway through. But up until then, people really liked us!”
Natalie walked past me. She sat back on the couch and put the blanket back over her legs.
“So all this was for nothing? You took off on me when I needed you, Gray.”
“Yeah but they needed me too. I didn’t know it would fall apart.”
“Really? How many times has one of your shows fallen apart? You got carried away? I’m not fucking stupid, Gray. You didn’t think there was any probability your friends would get too fucked up and ruin a show again?”
“No,” I said. “I mean, I took my chances. All I have are chances. All I am ever holding out for is a fucking chance. Doug called me this morning and said, ‘Here’s your fucking chance,’ so I took it.”
“And when have I ever done that to you?” Natalie pleaded. “When have I ever walked out that door to go take my chances and leave you behind when you needed me?”
“Take your chances with what?!” I replied out of anger. “You can’t understand if you don’t take any risks. Everything you do is safe. School was safe. Your job is safe.”
“Oh, fuck you. Really? School wasn’t safe. It cost money, Gray. It was a risk. I didn’t know if I was going to college for the right thing or if it would pay off. I had to risk my entire life on getting through. God!
“I don’t want to end up like Luna,” Natalie cried. “I’m sick of it. All she does is fuck her life up. She’s having her third kid with this fucking loser, and she just lost another job. You should have seen it today. Everyone just praised her and congratulated her. For what? For getting pregnant again? Of course she did. She’s never careful about anything. She does nothing. She’s a better mom than our mom was, I guess, but not by much. I’m jealous, but I shouldn’t be. It’s just no matter how well I do, no one gives me any credit for it. It’s hard, Gray. It’s so hard just to be stable, and I’m doing good. But I need help sometimes. I don’t care that you’re out playing shows all night. I don’t give you shit when you’re at practice. I know you work hard and you are always there for your band, but I work hard, too, and I need you to be here for me—because life is fucking hard, and I don’t have a band. I have you.”
I sat next to her.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you felt that way. You make your life look easy. It's not. I know that. This was the biggest show we were ever asked to play. I just went for it. I didn’t know what else to do.”
We sat in silence for a while.
“Did you even meet AngerFM?” Natalie asked.
“No.”
“Really? Not at all?”
“Nope. Never saw them. They were backstage the entire show, and security wouldn't even let us introduce ourselves.”
She looked up at me. “Are you sad?”
“Not really. Kind of pissed, honestly. I think I'm over it. I worked so hard for this chance...but honestly? I'm more upset at myself for not staying with you today.”
Natalie grabbed my hand and held it.
“I love playing shows,” I said, “but lately, it just seems like the amount of effort I'm putting in is hurting more than helping. It's like I'm addicted to the grind of it. From my perspective, I see myself as a workaholic. All I'm focused on is getting shit done, but everyone else sees me as lazy because I'm not accomplishing anything they view as actual accomplishments. I feel like I have nothing to show for the work I'm putting in; and at the end of the day, I'm the only member of the band not trying to move on to something else anyway. I don't want to get left behind when Wolf or Steve end up wanting to stop growing the band because their jobs have taken over their lives.
“We already gave up on touring. What record label wants to sign a band that doesn't tour? I don’t know what else to throw myself into once the band is over; but I know at some point, it will be over. I’m sure of it. Everyone acts like it will always be there, but I know it won’t. I’m not ready for it to end, and I’m just so frustrated trying to keep it going. I shouldn't have bailed on you.”
Natalie got up from the couch and walked toward her kitchen table.
“You know, Grayson,” she said, “bailing on me was complete bullshit. But I accept your apology.”
“You do?”
“Your mom came to Luna's shower, you know.”
“Ugh, I forgot she was going.”
“She's kind of an asshole.”
“I'm well aware.”
Natalie walked back over with an envelope.
“She brought your mail with her because no matter how many times I tried to remind you to grab it, you didn't do it.”
“I know. I just get distracted. I'll try to stay on top of it from now on so she doesn't harass you.”
“I'll let it slide this time,” she said, “as long as you don't care that I opened it.”
“You opened my mail?” I asked.
“Yeah,” Natalie said. “I was especially interested in this letter from Schenectady Community College saying they have accepted your application and that your high school SAT scores were high enough to allow you to skip some prerequisites? Grayson Winters, you applied to college?”
Nico. It was all Nico. He had me fill that out a month ago at his house. At the time, I was just doing it because he was bugging me. I never thought they would accept me.
“Whoa. What? Yeah, kind of. Nico thought we should do it to celebrate the one year anniversary of our GEDs. I don't even know what I would go for, but I should go. Right? I'll find something to go for. I’ll give it a shot.”
She flung her arms around me.
“Thanks. I...um….”
“What?” she asked.
“Am I too late?”
“No. You're right on time. Put time into this. Make this happen. You will figure it out,” she assured me.
“Thanks,” I said.
“And move in with me.”
“What?”
“Move in with me! College is hard. I’ll be at work all day. You can study and crash whenever without your mom bothering you. Besides, I'll need to make sure you're doing your homework.”
We snuggled up on the couch.
“Alright. I'll move in.”
She leaned in for a kiss.
We started making out as Natalie mounted me on the couch, pulling the blanket over the both of us.
“Oh, wait!” she stopped. “I brought cake home from the shower!”
She got up and headed to the kitchen.
“Speaking of...I should probably shower myself.”
“Oh, yeah,” she laughed. “I was not going to have sex with your dirty ass. You stink, dude. Cake, shower, bed.”
“Cake, shower, bed.”
The next day, I met Nico, Ryder, and Steve at Mega Bread for
lunch. I was working on getting the SIM card from my broken cell phone into a new one I picked up on the way over.
“No way!” I said to Ryder. “You were scared as fuck, dude!”
“I wasn’t fuckin’ scared. Fuck the police! I was gonna act like Nico was my hostage and start making demands.”
“Anyway…” Nico waved his hands for me to continue.
“Right. So anyway, I don't know yet. Business, computer science, law—there’s so many options.”
“What about a music degree?” Steve asked.
“I dunno how much I want to ruin playing music for myself.”
“Well, you're welcome.” Nico took a bow. “I'm glad I talked you into giving a shit about your life.”
“I always gave a shit. I just needed to refocus.”
“I don't know, man. Sounds like you're going to be too busy for Trouble Bored,” Steve said.
“You and Wolf work two jobs and still play shows and go to practice. I can handle it.”
“Hey, look!” Ryder pointed to the Mega Bread entrance. Miranda and Derrick were walking inside—together. Miranda walked into the back of the house while Derrick walked over to our booth.
“Derrick!” I shouted.
“Hey, guys.”
“Wyatt Earp, buddy?” Steve asked. “What’d you get into last night after you dropped me and Wolf off?”
Derrick smirked. “Don't you mean who did I get into last night?"
We all laughed. “Ohhhh!”
“Shhhh. She's picking up her check, then I guess we're going back to her place to swim,” Derrick said.
“Swim?” Steve asked.
“Yeah, dude. Miranda's parents are fucking loaded. Did you not know that? Her house is massive, and no one is ever home.”
“You made a mistake,” Nico told Derrick. “That's your girlfriend now.”
Derrick leaned in. “I don't know. Was it a mistake to take her soul last night?”
“Ohhhh!”
“Oh my god,” I laughed.
“Yeah, brother! That's my boy!” Steve cheered.
Ryder opened his laptop.
“You guys seen AngerFM's MySpace page today?”
“No. Why?” I responded.
“People keep posting pictures of them fuckin' sucking balls last night.”
“What?”
“Apparently they only played songs off their new album last night, which no one wanted to hear.”
“‘Cause it probably sucks,” Steve added.
“Yeah, I heard some of it on the radio. It definitely sucks,” Derrick said.
“Look.” Ryder spun his laptop around so I could see the screen. “Read this comment.”
“What the fuck were AngerFM on last night? They fucking sucked and seemed like they were too high to play."
I looked at Nico. “Jesus. I wonder where they could have gotten all those drugs from.”
Nico choked a bit on his food. Ryder laughed.
“Look at the next comment.”
“AngerFM were such a fucking waste of time. The band that got kicked off stage was way better. I would rather watch Trouble Bored again than some old-as-shit grandfathers who looked like their poopy diapers were weighing their fat asses down the entire time. Next comment, Trouble Bored were amazing! Next comment, Trouble Bored stole the show. Wow.”
“Well, fuck,” Steve said.
I'd finally completed the SIM card transfer. As soon as I turned on my new phone, it started ringing.
“It's Doug.”
“You gonna answer it?” Steve asked.
“What if he's pissed about last night?”
“What if he's got another show for us?”
“Road trip!” Nico shouted.
“I’m down!” said Derrick.
“Answer it,” Ryder added.
“Hey, Doug…”
Epilogue
Everybody has a dream—or at least, in my opinion, they should. For a couple kids growing up in the suburbs in the early 2000s I think we realized ours a bit too young. We did eventually get on a small record label, but we were all already too far into our backup plans by then to continue making the sacrifices we were once able to make. Still, we did it. We played so many shows and wrote so many great songs. We lived the fantasies we’d dreamed up in Steve’s basement when we were only fifteen years old.
We all knew it would end at some point. Someone would quit, and that would be the cue to walk away. We would play one last show. A huge last show for all our fans, and we would go out on one last bang, leaving everything on the stage. All of the blood, sweat, and tears. All the animosity we might have had toward one another. All the unresolved conflict. All the stage antics we never had a chance to try.
No one was willing to go first, though, so we probably went on a bit too long. Got on each other's nerves too much. Partied a little too hard. We kept going because we loved it. We loved playing together. I know we loved each other too.
We never had that big final show because we never officially called it quits. As the years went on, we practiced less and played fewer shows. As it sits now, all these years later, Mario’s is a fucking parking lot. We had a couple more great summers, even some great winters, but eventually Trouble Bored and all the chaos along with it, came to an end.
What a whirlwind it all was. It seems cliche, right? Sex, drugs, and rock and roll? You could meet any of us, the ones who are still alive, and if you never asked, then you would probably never guess that any of us had ever walked that path. If you were told, you might not believe it anyway. But we lived that life, and now that life lives within us. The memories, the aches and pains, the loss. The gratitude I have for every moment of it is extraordinary.
* * *
Life is unmeasurable. You can live a short life that felt long or a long life that felt short. My time playing shows with Steve and Wolf, Bungie and Derrick, and all the years getting into trouble with Nico, Freddy, Chris, and Ryder felt way too short. But I count it as a blessing, that all those memories make my life feel really long.
Derrick and Miranda worked out for a while. Even got married. On their honeymoon, Derrick found out she was cheating on him. Which is bad enough in itself — but she'd been cheating on him with Mega Bread Assistant Manager Kent-fucking-Boggart.
Bungie got into sports cars, which was probably a huge mistake. He survived a head-on collision that left him with brain damage and recurring seizures. He still works for his mother and father at their diner.
Ryder traveled cross-country selling drugs with Nico for a couple years until he decided to get out of the drug game. Nico sent him home with a kilo of cocaine, which he kept under his bed and sold off slowly. They split the money when Nico got back, and that was it. Ryder joined the Marines. I think he lives in Arizona now. I know I could find him on social media, but, I don’t know, it just feels weird having not talked for so long. I feel like I wouldn’t know where to start.
Chris’s mom died when he was nineteen years old. His father was never in his life. He earned two art degrees and now owns a successful tattoo shop. He and his wife bring their son and daughter to visit his mother’s gravestone and leave flowers on Mother’s Day. His daughter asks how old she will be when her tattoos will grow in.
Freddy finished auto school and continues to work as a mechanic. His psycho girlfriend did not get pregnant, although he did end up with another chick who was even more susceptible to his charm. I try to remind him to stay out of trouble, but he keeps reminding me trouble always finds him anyway.
Nico met a girl on the road and she traveled with him, staying in motels and following music festivals where Nico sold drugs. They settled down for a couple months in Kansas City, but they ran out of money. She was a junkie. Nico split after he found out she was prostituting. After living alone for a bit, Nico was assaulted and robbed in his apartment, then left for dead. A neighbor chased off his assailant, and Nico flew back home to live with his mother in Rotterdam. A few short months later, he suf
fered an aneurysm and died the night of his twenty-second birthday at a friend's house, a block away from the house I grew up in.
Wolf was arrested on multiple felony counts after rolling his vehicle speeding while intoxicated with four other people in the car, including Steve’s sister. While awaiting trial, he was arrested again for DWI. He served eight months in Schenectady County Prison. Shortly after release, he hung himself in his parents’ garage.
Steve became a full-time martial arts instructor. He holds a 3-0 record in MMA and multiple gold medals in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. He owns a home with his wife, two dogs, and twin daughters. He continues to play music.
I chose to study law and government because fuck the fucking government. I thought it was a pretty punk rock thing to do. It was interesting and challenging, and it seemed like the most impressive subject a high school dropout could get a degree in. With that came a ton of reading and writing assignments. I realized I could pretty much write anything, so I began to.
I still get together with Steve to write music. We’ll probably always write music together. We always call each other or at least text on the anniversary of Wolf’s passing.
As for Natalie, I learned that a woman who will give you a second chance when you don’t deserve it is absolutely worth marrying...so that’s what I did. We've got a house, a dog — that whole American Dream thing everyone talks about. I know enough about life to know that life is really, really good now, and I know Nico would be so, so proud of me.
Matthew Ryan Lowery holds a bachelor’s degree in political science from The Nelson A. Rockefeller College of Public Affairs & Policy.
A veteran punk rock musician, he has co-written and released two full-length albums, four EPs, and multiple music videos with his bands Radiation Squad, Hijinx, and The Addison Boys since 2001. In 2013, he executive produced a feature-length documentary about the band Hijinx, which was released through East Grand Record Company. His favorite bands are Rancid and The White Stripes.
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