Guarded

  * * *

  The housekeeper would have her work cut out for her with the liquor stains—some old, some new—in the carpet of Daniel’s room, but at least we cleared out all the bottles and glasses. On the way out, Jordan paused, gave the room one last look, and then pulled the door shut behind us.

  Upstairs, we put the bottles in the recycling bin and the glasses in the sink, and made a few trips apiece to clear out all the other bottles that were still sitting on the kitchen island.

  As I returned to the kitchen after unloading an armload of bottles, a splash caught my attention, and I turned around to see Jordan pouring a nearly full bottle of tequila down the drain. As he watched the liquid falling, his eyes looked clearer than they had in recent memory. Lately, he’d looked so lost, but that single-minded determination had come back to his expression. His back even seemed straighter, his shoulders still weighed down by an unseen weight but stronger underneath it.

  The last of the tequila dripped into the sink. Jordan put the bottle down, but he didn’t lift his gaze, not even as I came around the island and stood beside him. Wordlessly, he turned on the sprayer and chased the rest of the liquid down the drain.

  As he turned off the water, I put my arm around his waist.

  Jordan wrapped his arms around me. “I’m not going to turn into that. I promise.”

  “I know.” I tipped his chin up and kissed him. “You’re stronger than that.”

  He grinned. “And I’m pretty sure you’ll kick my ass if I try to fuck up, right?”

  I laughed. “Something like that. Now, about that collar…”

  Jordan’s eyebrows flicked upward.

  “I think I left it in the bedroom,” I said. “Is it still there?”

  He nodded. “If that’s where you left it. I haven’t been in there in... uh... a while.”

  Oh, Jordan…

  “Then we know where it is. Let’s go.”

  “Wait.” He gestured at himself. “I should really get a shower before we do anything else.”

  “Why don’t I join you?”

  “I’m not going to say no to that.”

  My voice slightly harder, I said, “I should hope not.”

  Jordan shivered, his lips parting and his eyes widening.

  I nodded down the hall. “Let’s go.”

  We went into the master bathroom, and he stripped out of his clothes to take a shower. When he stepped out of the shower, his gaze went right to the straight razor in my hand. No surprise this time. No uncertainty. Our eyes met, and we both smiled.

  I let him dry off first, and then he stood in front of me, completely naked with his head tilted back slightly, offering up his face and his neck. As the odd drop slid from the tips of his hair to his bare shoulders, I lathered up his jaw, and slowly scraped away several days’ worth of stubble. With every careful stroke, he looked more like himself. His cheeks were still gaunt, the circles under his eyes alarmingly dark, but nothing a few meals and some sleep wouldn’t remedy. Under my watch, he’d have both, so I wasn’t worried.

  As I ran the blade along his throat, Jordan closed his eyes and tipped his head back a little more. Ostensibly to steady him, I splayed my free hand over his collarbones, sliding it up until the webbing between my thumb and forefinger was right against his throat. His Adam’s apple bobbed, and I had to force myself to focus on the razor and not his cock hardening between us.

  When I was finished, I went over every inch of his jaw and neck, checking for any spots I might’ve missed, but also savoring this quiet, intimate moment.

  Then I let him rinse off his face and dry it, and when he turned to me again, we both smiled. I pulled him into a kiss, deliberately pressing my denim-clad hip against his hard cock. He gasped, almost breaking the kiss, but recovered and let me explore his mouth as if this was the first time I’d ever kissed him.

  I broke away, breathing hard, and touched my forehead to his. “You still have condoms and lube, right?”

  “Tons.” He released a ragged breath against my lips. “Will you...?”

  “Bedroom.”

  Jordan obeyed, and I followed him from the master bathroom into his bedroom. He really hadn’t been in here for a while—the collar was still exactly where I’d left it, unbuckled in the middle of the bed.

  I put a firm hand on the back of Jordan’s neck. “I don’t even feel like foreplay today. I just want to fuck you.”

  He squirmed in front of me, pressing into my hand. “Oh God…”

  I grinned and bent him over the bed, his hands landing on either side of the collar. “Don’t move.”

  He didn’t move.

  I let go of his neck and stripped out of my clothes. All the while, I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I still couldn’t believe we’d made it back to this, that he was sober and strong again, and we were together. There were still question marks hanging over the future, but we’d made it back to this. Thank God. Thank fucking God.

  I pulled a condom and some lube from the drawer. As I put them on, I realized Jordan’s gaze was fixed on a single point:

  The collar.

  “We’ll get there,” I said.

  He turned to me, eyes heavy-lidded and pupils already huge, and smiled. “I know.”

  I stood behind him and pushed his legs farther apart with my knee. As I put some lube on both of us, my head was already spinning—it felt like years since we’d last had sex, a lifetime since we’d meant it. There was no way this would last long, but I didn’t care. As far as I was concerned, we didn’t need to leave this bed for the rest of the night, and I’d make him come as many times as he was willing, and tomorrow night, we’d do it all over again. His bed, my bed, Robert and Renee’s dungeon—it didn’t matter where. I just wanted him.

  “Oh God,” Jordan moaned as I pressed against him. The head of my cock slid into him, and he gasped, throwing his head back. As I worked myself deeper, carefully riding the line between making it hurt the way he liked it and actually hurting him, I couldn’t even tell his moans from mine.

  Jesus, I’d missed this. As I fucked him, I ran my hands all over him, up and down his back and sides and into his hair, and he was mine. All mine. Completely surrendered and receptive, rocking back against me and whimpering softly for more—God, I couldn’t have asked for more from him. He was perfectly submissive. To me and no one else.

  I held onto his hips and forced myself to stay in control no matter how much I wanted to fuck him hard and fast until we both came. Soon, but not yet.

  I swept my tongue across my lips. “Give me the collar.”

  Jordan wobbled slightly as he shifted his weight to one arm. He picked up the collar and held it over his shoulder. I took it, and he put his hand down to steady himself again.

  I took a few more strokes, and then slowed down. I gathered his long hair and let it fall over one shoulder, and still rocking my hips just enough to keep moving inside him, whispered, “Do you accept my collar, Jordan?”

  “Y-yes.” His head fell forward as a shiver rippled through him, and then he tilted his head back. “Yes, Jase.”

  “For tonight,” I said, struggling to not to lose my breath, “and indefinitely?”

  Jordan shivered again, tightening around me. “Yes, Jase. Please.”

  I wrapped the collar around his neck. Maneuvering the buckle was a challenge when I was this turned on, when I was deep inside Jordan, and even when I stopped completely, my fingers barely managed to get the leather through the buckle. Finally, though, the leather and metal cooperated. I snapped the tiny padlock, and my God, I didn’t even know who shivered first.

  I picked up speed again, fucking him hard enough to make him grunt, and before long at all, my vision was blurring and my eyes wanted to roll back. I blinked, forcing myself to focus, to concentrate on that shiny strip of black leather wrapped snugly around Jordan’s throat.

  He murmured something I didn’t understand. Then, “Jase... Jase, please. Let me come.”

  I ran my h
and up his back, my mouth watering as his back arched beneath my touch, and slid my fingers under the back of the collar. I lifted them enough to tighten it around his throat. “You want to come, Jordan?”

  “Yes.” His voice was taut. Not quite choked, but close. “Please.”

  I pulled the collar harder. Fucked him harder. “You’re right on the edge, aren’t you?”

  “Y-yes.”

  Slowing down again, I let go of the collar and slid my hand around the front of his throat. I steadied us both with my a hand on his hip, and pulled him upright with the other. He gasped, and cried out when I thrust as hard as this upright position allowed. I tightened my hand around his throat.

  “Have I ever told you,” I panted in his ear, “how incredibly hot you are like this?”

  His whole body shuddered against mine. He tried to speak, but couldn’t.

  Gripping his throat tight, I whispered, “Come, Jordan.”

  Before I’d even said his name, he cried out. His body shook and tensed and arched, and my own orgasm was as inevitable as the next beat of my heart. I wrapped my other arm around his waist, struggling to support us both, and lost it. I held on tight, thrust in as deep as I could, and rode the most amazing orgasm I’d had in a while until every last aftershock had dissipated.

  Then I carefully withdrew. Jordan’s legs were useless, so I took some towels from the bathroom and cleaned us both up before joining him under the covers.

  When he’d finally returned to earth, he murmured, “I’d almost forgotten how good we are in bed together.”

  I laughed softly and kissed his temple. “I’ll make sure to remind you as often as possible.”

  He laughed too. “Please do.” Humor fading, he turned onto his side and met my eyes. “I’m, uh, I’m sorry for using you before. For turning the sex we had into something it shouldn’t have been.” He paused, moistening his lips. “For what it’s worth, being with you was the one thing that felt good on its own, not because it was a distraction from everything else.”

  I pulled him closer and kissed him. “It’s all forgiven, Jordan. It’s just good to have you back.”

  “You too.” He touched my face. “I love you, Jase.”

  “I love you too.”

  He chewed his lip. “This doesn’t mean everything changes. I’ll never be an easy person to live with.”

  I smiled, running my fingers through his damp hair. “It’s okay. You’re worth it.”

  He blinked, but then returned the smile. “You say that now.”

  “We’ve been through hell already. I think I know what I’m talking about.”

  He laughed softly. After a moment, he lowered his gaze and took a deep breath. “I’m going to talk to the rest of the band tomorrow. And Martin.”

  “Yeah?”

  He nodded, but still didn’t look at me. “It’s time to figure out what we’re going to record and where we’re going from here.”

  “You’re ready to move forward?”

  “Yeah. Daniel would have wanted us to go on, and... quite frankly, even if he wouldn’t have, it’s what I need. It’s what I want.” He finally lifted his gaze. “And I wondered if you’d be willing to play guitar.”

  My heart skipped. “What?”

  “I’ve heard you play,” he said softly. “You’re... you’re amazing. I have to talk to the other guys and make sure they’re on board, but I wanted to ask you first. Will you join us?”

  I swallowed. “I can’t replace Daniel.”

  “You’re not.” He trailed the backs of his fingers down my cheek. “Band members leave sometimes, and as hard as it is to move on, we have to. There will always be No Rules with Daniel, and then there’ll be No Rules with... well, whoever comes next. And I hope that’s you.”

  “I don’t know what to say.”

  “You can think about it if you need to. But you’re a great guitarist. You know our sound, and you get along with the rest of the band.”

  Playing onstage with No Rules? Jesus, if there was ever a dream come true that could rival getting into bed with Jordan Kane…

  I took a breath. “I’d love to.”

  “Great. “We’ll see what the band says, but I don’t think there will be any objections. And I’m also going to ask them for some new rules for the tours. No booze or partying on the buses. The guys can do what they want when they’re on their own, but I need it as far away from me as possible.”

  “That’s probably not a bad idea.” I smoothed his hair. “But all that can wait until tomorrow. For right now, it’s just us.”

  “I’m not going to argue.” Jordan smiled that smile that always made my knees weak. “I can’t think of anything better than this.”

  I didn’t speak. I just pulled him into another long kiss.

  And I couldn’t think of anything better either.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  Jordan

  A year later

  Sixteen thousand voices roared and cheered as we hit the stage and swung into the first song off our new album. Andy laid down a bass line from God, Greg’s drums coming in next, crisp and tight as fuck. Jase wailed on his new Stratocaster like the reincarnation of Hendrix himself, and I did what I’d been put on this earth to do. I opened my mouth and sang.

  We played the new songs—the ones Daniel had never heard. The ones this audience had only started listening to last week, and damn if they didn’t already know all the words. We played some of our old-school tunes too, including some of the thrash-metal stuff from our first album. The crowd went fucking nuts.

  Then the stage lights dimmed, our engineer cuing up a pre-recorded instrumental while we all ran offstage, dodging the couple-dozen-plus members of our crew working the lights, sound board and video screens. The guitar tech handed me my Fender acoustic. I strummed it, making sure it was in the right tuning for the first song in my acoustic set, then pushed it into Jase’s hands. “C’mon. You’re gonna play for me tonight.”

  “What?” His eyes bulged, sweat from the spotlight that’d been trained on him for the past hour still gleaming on his face. “You’re not serious.”

  “Don’t tell me you’re still nervous. They fucking loved you—”

  “But…” He licked his lips. “I’m used to playing dive bars, not the fucking Hollywood Bowl.”

  “Better get used to it, dude.” Grinning, Greg came up and slapped him on the back. “Go on out there. You earned it.”

  Man, had he. Jase had worked his ass off these last few months, integrating his sound with ours, learning all the old-school songs along with the new ones. Earning the rest of the band’s respect. They’d always liked him, but it’d taken a while before they’d accepted him as one of us. Part of the family.

  But their skepticism quickly melted away when they heard him play. He had Daniel’s chops, and then some. Plenty of guys could shred on a Stratocaster, but it took real skill to coax tears from an audience with an acoustic guitar. Which was exactly why I needed Jase out there with me tonight.

  He slung the guitar strap over his head, a tiny smile playing at the corners of his lips. “What’re we playing?”

  “You have to ask?”

  “Oh.” His smile dimmed, but he nodded, inhaling deep. “Okay.”

  “You’re gonna do great.” I kissed him, giving his free hand a squeeze. “Let’s go kick it in the ass.”

  I’d walked across darkened stages so many times I could find my microphone stand with no problem, but Jase bumped into the stool the crew had set out for him. I signaled to the stage manager to keep the music on until Jase got situated, then nodded.

  The audience screamed as the stage lights came up, roaring loud enough to make my eardrums vibrate. I stood there with my arms outstretched in what Daniel used to call my “Jesus on the cross” pose until it finally died down.

  “How y’all doin’ tonight? Everybody having a good time?” They roared again. I aimed a grin at Jase, turning back around just in time to see an article of clothing l
and at my feet. A pair of pink string-bikini panties. I busted out laughing. “You’re all fuckin’ crazy, you know that?”

  More roaring as Jase started strumming the opening bars of “Forth Into Light.”

  “As I’m sure everyone here knows, we lost a member of our band—our family—last year. It was a rough time for all of us. We loved Daniel—”

  Someone shouted, “We love him too!”

  “I know you do, darlin.’ And I know none of us will ever forget him, but tonight…” I smiled at Jase again. “Tonight’s about not only saying goodbye to Daniel, but welcoming a new member to our family. Allow me to introduce our new lead guitarist, Jase Hewitt.”

  Applause and cheering, for Jase this time. I let him have his moment, grinning as his cheeks turned red. He shot me a pointed look and started playing louder.

  Hint, hint.

  I started singing, the words pouring out of me. There was something freeing about sharing what was left of my pain with all these people. Yeah, they’d loved Daniel too—not like I had, but enough to know why my voice cracked as I launched into the last verse:

  “I dream your eyes are laughing still

  No more goodbyes, no bitter pills

  No more white rooms, no more white walls

  The wind that howled is silent now…”

  But I pulled it together and made it through, sailing up to a final high note. It floated on the air for a few beautiful, precious seconds before fading away.

  The moment of reverent silence that followed was even more beautiful.

  “Thank you,” I said softly.

  * * *

  Jase and I played a couple more songs, then Greg, Andy and the rest of the guys came back. We killed the rest of our set, and got called back for two encores. The crowd kept on applauding, roaring and whistling and stamping their feet even louder after we left the stage again.

  Somebody handed me a bottle of water, and I took a long gulp, then glanced around at the rest of the band. We’d played a great show, but it still felt… incomplete. This was a special night—and ending and a beginning. We needed to do something equally special to mark it. “Wanna try that Pink Floyd cover we were rehearsing last week?”