by Roddy Doyle
–On drums, Billy The Animal Mooney.
Billy jumped on-stage and gorilla-walked to his drums.
One at a time Jimmy sent them back. Joey The Lips got the biggest cheer.
The girls were last.
–Last, said Jimmy.—The girls.
There were screams. The girls looked at one another and raised their eyes to heaven.
–Sonya—Sofia—An’ Tanya.—The Commitmentettes, ladies an’ gentlemen.
They strolled onto the stage. Natalie ducked when she saw something fly up and out of the darkness. It landed behind them, a little pair of light blue underpants.
The Commitments cracked up. Deco kicked the underpants off the stage. They came back. Deco kicked them across to Jimmy.
–Okay, y’awl, said Deco to the fans.—Let’s take it to the bridge.
–I’ll get them back for yeh after, righ’, said Mickah.—When it’s over.
–Yeh said yeh’d give me a pound, the boy reminded him.
–I’ll let yeh in for nothin’ the next time, said Mickah.
This injustice stunned the boy for a while. He’d just made a sap of himself, flinging his kaks at your women on the stage and now he wasn’t even going to be paid for it. Then words came back to him.
–Yeh fuckin’ bollix, yeh.
Mickah gave him a good dig, then felt guilty and gave the boy fifty pence, and another dig.
Most of the encore went well. The little mods recognized What Becomes of the Broken Hearted and they cheered when Deco sang the bit about waiting under Clery’s clock.
–Thank you, little Brothers and Sisters, said Joey The Lips.—The Lord Jesus smiles down on you. Thank you.—Now the Sisters, Sonya, Sofia and Tanya, are going to cut loose.—Brothers and Sisters, The Commitmentettes.
–Whooo! said Deco.—Let’s take it to the bridge.
–Wha’ fuckin’ bridge?
–Who said tha’? Mickah roared.
–Matt Talbot bridge.
–Who said tha’?
Deco wouldn’t get out of the girls’ way. He stood his ground at the front, leering at his audience.
Billy shouted:—Get ou’ o’ the fuckin’ way.
–Stay cool, said Deco.
He handed the mike to Imelda. She stung his ear with it.
And they were off. Against The Commitments’ best ever, tightest thumping back-beat, the girls bleated Stoned Love. They swayed, clapped their hands, stopped. And before the crowd could start screaming, they started again. Jimmy had to climb up onto the stage to gently shove the small boys and girls back off.
Deco came back on and Knock on Wood began. It ended early when he knocked over the horn section’s mike and half the horn section gave him an almighty kick up the hole.
Deco wasn’t going to be able to sing again for a good few minutes so Jimmy drew the curtain. James and Billy looked at Deco kneeling on the floor, bent forward.
–Tha’ took him to the bridge, said Billy.
–Quite, said James.
–He was lookin’ for it, Dean was explaining to Jimmy.
–Could yeh not have waited till he stopped singin’? said Jimmy.—Or at least till he got to the end o’ the sentence.
Outspan laughed.
The first gig was over.
Mickah’s head appeared from under the curtain.
–Hey, Jimmy, he said.—There’s a sap here from—Hang on.
Mickah was gone. And back.
–The Northside News.—He wants a word.
When Jimmy drew the curtain back they all saw the sap from Northside News. He was tall, young, with tinted glasses.
–Great gig, said the sap from the Northside News.—Who’s in charge?
–I’m the singer, Deco told him.
–For the time being, said Jimmy.
–Well said, Jimmy, said Outspan.
–Pack the gear, lads, said Jimmy.—Keep the suits on but.—For the snaps.—Joey—come on.
Jimmy jumped off the stage. He shook the sap’s hand.
They introduced themselves.
–An’ this is Joey The Lips Fagan, said Jimmy.
–Hi.
–Good evening, Brother.
–Will we be in next Friday’s one? Mickah asked the sap.
–Give Billy a hand with his kit, will yeh, Mickah.
Mickah grabbed Jimmy’s fringe.
–Say please.
–Please, Mickah.
Mickah grinned.
–Certainly.—No problem.
–Our security man, Jimmy explained.
–The price of fame, said Joey The Lips.
–Right, said the sap.
He had a notebook.
–When were you formed?
–Some months back, said Joey The Lips.
–How did the band come about?
Jimmy spoke.—Well, I put an—
–Destiny, said Joey The Lips.—It was destined to happen.
Jimmy liked the sound of that so he let Joey The Lips keep talking.
–My man, said Joey The Lips.—We are a band with a mission.
–A mission?
–You hear good and you hear right.
The sap looked to Jimmy but Jimmy said nothing.
–What kind of mission d’you mean?
–An important mission, Brother.
Jimmy leaned over to Joey The Lips and whispered:—Don’t mention God.
Joey The Lips smiled.
–We are bringing Soul to Dublin, Brother, he said.—We are bringing the music, the Soul, back to the people.—The proletariat.—That’s p,r,o,l,e,t,a,r,i,a,t.
–Thanks a lot.
Jimmy spoke.—We’re against racial and sexual discrimination an’ heroin, isn’t tha’ righ’, Joey?
–That is right, said Joey The Lips.
–We ain’t gonna play Sun City, said Jimmy.
–Tell the people, Joey The Lips told the sap,—to put on their soul shoes because The Commitments are coming and there’s going to be dancing in the streets.
–This’ll make good copy, said the sap.
–And there’ll be barricades in the streets too, said Joey The Lips.—Now you’ve got great copy.
–Wow, said the sap.—Nice one.—When’s your next gig?
–My friend, said Joey The Lips.—We are the Guerrillas of Soul. We do not announce our gigs. We hit, and then we sink back into the night.
Jimmy tapped the sap’s shoulder.
–I think there’s a U in Guerrillas.
–Oh yeah.—Thanks a lot.
–Do yeh want to take a few photographs?
–Yeah, right.
–Joey, make sure their ties are all on straigh’, will yeh?
–I obey.
Joey The Lips sat on a chair. The Commitments kneeled and stood around him. Bernie sat on his knee. Imelda lay in front of him, leaning on an elbow, chin in her hand, hair in her eyes. Natalie did the same, in the opposite direction. Jimmy, Mickah, the caretaker and Mrs Foster stood at the sides, like football managers and magic-sponge men. That way they all fitted.
* * *
There was nothing for a few weeks.
The Commitments rehearsed.
Jimmy did the round of the music pubs in town. One of them only did heavy metal groups. The manager explained to Jimmy that the heavy metal crowd was older and very well behaved, and drank like fish.
A barman in another one told Jimmy that the manager only booked groups that modelled themselves on Echo and The Bunnymen because they were always reviewed and the reviews usually included praise for the manager and his pioneering work.
On the fourth night Jimmy found a pub that would take The Commitments for one night, a Thursday, no fee, but three free pints each. The head barman was a big Motown fan and he and the Northside News headline (Soul Soldiers of Destiny) convinced the owner.
Jimmy couldn’t figure out how it got the name The Regency Rooms. There was only one room, about ten times bigger than his bedroom. The walls were stained and ba
re. The floor was stained and bare. The stools and chairs showed their guts. The stage was a foot-high plywood platform.
–They won’t all fit, said Mickah.
–I know tha’, said Jimmy.—Billy will, an’ the girls an’ Outspan an’ Derek. Put the piano over there at the jacks door, righ’, an’ Joey an’ Dean can go over there an’ Deco in the middle. An’ the mixer on the table there.
–Good thinkin’.
When the head barman came in to work he went for Jimmy.
–You didn’t tell us it was a fuckin’ orchestra we were bookin’, he screamed.
–I thought yeh’d know, said Jimmy.—Yeh said yeh were a Motown fan.
–The wife has The Supremes’ Greatest Hits.—
It’s the same size as any other record.
–We’ve squashed them all in, said Jimmy.
–Yeah.—An’ yis still take up half the fuckin’ pub.—Look. The piano.—Yeh’d usually get abou’ twenty into tha’ corner.
–Yeh would in your bollix, said Mickah.—Fuckin’ leprechauns maybe.—Or test-tube babies.
–Mickah.
–Wha’?
–The drums.
–Okay.
–Anyway, said the head barman when Mickah was a safe distance away,—this is the last time yis’ll be playin’ here. Nothin’ personal now but we can’t afford the space. We usually do groups with just three in them.
He thought of something else.
–Another thing.—There’s no way we’re givin’ yis three pints each. We couldn’t.—One’ll have to do.
–Ah, fuck tha’! said Jimmy.
–There’s millions of yis, said the head barman.
–You can have the three though. Just make it look like you’re payin’ me.
Jimmy looked around him.
–Okay.—Done.
There was a good crowd. Thirty would have been a great crowd in this place. The room was packed solid. The ones standing up had to hold their glasses up above their shoulders.
–An older bunch this time, Jimmy pointed out.—This’ll be a better concert—gig. More adult orientated. Know wha’ I mean?
The Commitments stood around the platform waiting for the go ahead from the head barman.
–These people have votes, said Jimmy.—This is our real audience.
Outspan stood on the platform searching the crowd for his mother. He didn’t think she’d have the neck to come to this one but he wanted to make sure.
Jimmy picked his way over to Mickah.
–Listen, he said.—They have their own bouncer here so—just enjoy the show, righ’.
–I was talkin’ to him, Mickah told him.—He’s goin’ to give me a shout if there’s anny messin’.
–That’ll be nice, said Jimmy.
He got behind his desk. A mike screeched.
It was half-nine. The head barman gave Jimmy the nod. Jimmy got up and took Deco’s mike.
–Ladies an’ gentlemen, The Regency Rooms presents, all the way from Dublin, (that didn’t get the laughs he’d been expecting). The Hardest Workin’ Band in the World, The Saviours of Soul—Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes—The Commitments.
They were sharper this time. Billy knew what he was doing. Outspan didn’t have his ma gawking up at him. Deco was hemmed in by tables on three sides and by Dean and Joey The Lips behind him. He couldn’t budge. There’d be no accidents tonight.
Natalie fell off the platform. But it wasn’t an accident. Imelda pushed her. They were only messing.
The songs were going down well. They were sticking to the classics, the ones everyone knew. The Dublined lyrics were welcomed with laughter and, towards closing time, cheers and clapping. The Commitmentettes were whistled at, but politely.
One man roared:—Get them off yeh!
Mickah advised him to stay quiet.
Deco’s between-songs chat was better. Jimmy and Joey The Lips had been coaching him.
He was still a prick though, Jimmy had to admit to Mickah.
Night Train was a very big hit. There wasn’t room for an audience train but the ones standing rocked up and down and the ones sitting stood.
It was over. The Commitments couldn’t leave the stage, unless they all piled into the jacks, so they stayed at the platform while the audience clapped and cheered, and waited for Jimmy to take over.
–More!
–Yes, Yes, Yes, ladies an’ gentlemen—comrades. You’ve heard the people’s music tonight.
–The Commitments, ladies an’ gentlemen.—
The Saviours o’ Soul.—Do yis want to hear more?
They wanted more.
Jimmy handed Deco the mike.
–Introduce the lads.
–Okay, said Deco into the mike.—I’d better introduce the rest.—On drums, Billy Mooney.—On guitar—If yeh could hear it, ha ha—Outspan sorry, L. Terence Foster. Derek, there on bass.—James Soul Surgeon Clifford is the specky guy on the Joanna.
Each Commitment was being clapped but The Commitments weren’t hearing it. All Commitment eyes were burning Deco. This wasn’t what they’d rehearsed, at all.
–Dean Fay on the sax there, righ’, an’ Joey The Lips Fagan on the trumpet. Joey on the horn, wha’.—An’ they’re Tanya, Sonya an’ Sofia, The Commitmentettes. I’m Deco Blanketman Cuffe and we are The Commitments. This one’s called When a Man Loves a Woman.
Deco climbed up on a vacant stool.—THU—CUDADUNG CUDADUNG CUDADUNG—
Billy blammed out the Reach Out—I’ll Be There beat, then stopped. He got out from behind the drums and went across to the jacks.
James played, then Derek, then Deco started to sing.
–WHEN A MA—HAN LOVES A WO—MAN—
CAN’T KEEP HIS MIND ON NOTHIN’ EH—ELSE—
HE’LL CHANGE THE WORLD—
FOR THE GOOD THINGS HE’S FOU—HOUND—
IF SHE’S BA—HAD HE CAN’T SEE—
IT—
SHE CAN DO NO WRO—O—ON—NG—
TURN HIS BACK ON HIS BEST FRIEND IF
HE PUT HER DOWN—
It was beautiful. Jimmy blinked. The Commitments were forgiving Deco. Billy was still in the jacks though. The head barman sent a fourth pint over to Jimmy, and even one for Mickah.—WHEN THIS—
MAN LOVES THIS WO—
MAN—
Outspan’s rhythm playing was just right here, light and jangly.—AN’ GIVES HER EVERYTHING ON EARTH—
Outspan swayed.
–TRYIN’ TO HOLD ONTO—
YOUR—
CROCK O’ GOLD—
BABY—
PLEASE DON’T—
TREAT ME BA—AA—AA—AAD—
The crowd oohed.
–WHEN A MA—HAN LOVES A WO—MAN—
HE’LL BUY HER LOADS O’ SWE—EE—EETS—
HE’LL EVEN BRING HER TO STUPID
PLACES LIKE THE ZOO—OO—
HE’LL SPEND ALL HIS WAGES ON—HER—
BUT DON’T LET HIM SEE YEH LOOKIN’ AT HER—
COS HE’LL GET A HAMMER AN’ HE’LL FUCKIN’ CREASE YOU—
No one laughed. It wasn’t funny. It was true.
–YES WHEN A MA—HAN LOVES A WO—MAN—
I KNOW EXACTLY HOW HE FEEL—YELLS—
COS—
BABY—
BABY—
BABY
I LOVE YOU—
It was over. The lights went off and on and off and on. Friends came up to congratulate The Commitments.
–You’ve a great voice, a woman told Deco.
–I don’t need you to tell me tha’, said Deco.
Billy came out of the jacks. Before he could be asked if he was alright, he’d made it over to his drums and picked up a stick. He stepped over to Deco and started to hit him on the neck and shoulders with it.
He chanted as he walloped.
–I’m Billy—The Animal Mooney, d’yeh—hear me? Billy The—Animal Mooney an’ we all—have stage names an’ you know fuckin’—well wha’ they are, yeh lousy—bollix yeh
, we’re not your group, we’re—not your fuckin’—group—
Mickah held his arms down. Deco got out from under him.
–Yeh were lookin’ for tha’, said Jimmy.
–Wha’ did I do now? Deco asked.
–Oh look it! said Bemie.—He’s after burstin’ one of his plukes.
Most of The Commitments laughed.
–Yeh didn’t introduce the group properly, said Jimmy.
I forgot.
–Fuck off!
–I was oney jokin’. Yis have no sense o’ humour, d’yis know tha’?
–An’ you have? Outspan asked.
–Yeah.
–You’ve a big head too, pal.
–You’re just jealous—
–Fuck off.
–All o’ yis.
–Enough, said Joey The Lips.
–Jealous o’ you?—Huh—
–Enough.
–Joey’s righ’, said Jimmy.—We’ll meet tomorrow nigh’ an’ have this ou’.
Deco left.
–Watch ou’ for the fans, Derek shouted after him.
Mickah let go of Billy.
–He’s ruinin’ everythin’, Jimmy, said Billy.—I’m sorry abou’ tha’, yeh know. But I’m sick of him. It was great an’ then he—He’s a fuckin’ cunt.
–That’s an accurate description, said James.
–I’ll kill him the next time, said Billy.—I will.—I will now.
–He’s not worth it, said Derek.
–He is, Billy, said Imelda.—Kill him.
–Ah, for fuck sake! said Jimmy.
–I’m oney messin’, said Imelda.—Don’t kill him, Billy.
–Yeah, said Natalie.—Just give him a hidin’.
–I’ll do tha’ for yis if yeh want, said Mickah.
–Brothers, said Joey The Lips.
His palms were lifted. The Commitments were ready to listen to him.
–Now, Brother Deco might not be the most likeable of the Brothers—
–He’s a prick, Joey.
–He is, Brother Dean. I admit I agree. Brother Deco is a prick. He is a prick. But the voice, Brothers and Sisters.—His voice is not the voice of a prick.
That voice belongs to God.
No one argued with him.
–We need him, Brothers. We need the voice.
–Pity abou’ the rest of him.
–Granted.
–I’ll talk to him tomorrow at work, said Jimmy.
–Tell him I’ll kill him.
* * *
The Commitments got a mention in the Herald.