by Ella Frank
Ever since Doc gave it to me, things here have been better. I feel stronger, as if I can really move forward, even knowing the truth of my past.
I may not ever know his truth, but I know mine, and I’m starting to believe I can accept and live with it. I am a survivor and he wouldn’t want me to be anything but that.
I turn the handle and step inside to see Doc standing by the table with a smile.
“Good Morning, Addy.”
“Good Morning.”
“Are you ready?” he asks me.
Nodding, I walk farther into the room and pull out my seat. He slides the papers over to me and points to the clock.
Nine o’clock.
“It’s time.”
* * *
Past…
I checked my watch again, just as I had every fifteen minutes for what seemed like forever.
5:45 a.m.
I’d been waiting for over three-and-a-half hours, and he wasn’t here.
Maybe he was just waiting for the right time. Or maybe something happened to him, and he was already being held at the police station.
I wasn’t sure, but there had to be a good explanation for why he wasn’t waiting for me.
Grayson wouldn’t just leave me here.
I got to my feet and brushed off my jeans.
Maybe he was down at Daniel’s gravesite. I did say to meet me at Daniel’s. Maybe he’d misunderstood.
Stepping off the concrete curb, I made my way through the rows of rectangular stone.
As I came up to Daniel’s in the far back corner—I saw it.
There, lying on the bottom of the headstone, was a folded piece of paper with Addison across the front.
I bit my nail nervously and kneeled down to snatch up the letter. I knew it was from him. It had to be.
But why? Why didn’t he wait for me?
With a shaky hand, I unfolded the paper and a black-and-white photograph fell into my lap. Psyche Revived by Cupid’s Kiss.
When I saw his writing, that same cursive writing he’d first scrawled his name across the chalkboard in, I knew.
This is all he’d left me with.
Addison,
I don’t even know how to start this.
Honesty seems the best option right now since you’re the only other person who knows what happened between us.
I’m sorry for so many things. Most of all, for not being with you right now. I’m sorry I broke my promise to you and let you down.
You know why I didn’t stay and why this can’t work. Still, as I sit here writing this, I know I would do it all again for just one more kiss from you.
No one ever told me that loving someone would feel like you were giving up every last part of yourself, but that’s how I feel, Addison. From the second I saw you, I was done. I gave it all to you.
Something about you called to me, and I have never regretted you, even as I questioned us.
But, Addison, I’m going away, and I won’t be coming back—not ever.
You need to move on. Find a way to be free of your monsters because remember, they will devour you. Just like mine has devoured me.
I ask one thing of you before I go. Please understand that you were never my monster.
You, Addison, will always be my Psyche.
Love G.M
Gone…
He was gone.
Balling up the paper, I lay down with my cheek pressed to the grass covering Daniel and felt what was left of my heart shatter.
Everyone who truly loved me was gone, and as I gazed at the beautiful purple flowers surrounding his headstone, I made a decision.
I would go too.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Present…
Tick, tick, tock.
The clock is loud in here, not because I’m anxious, but because the silence is deafening. It’s been a little over seven hours. In fact, as I look at the clock, I realize it’s been seven hours and fifteen minutes since I began.
Studying my final answer, I mark the page and sit back.
I did it.
I feel a smile cross my lips as I realize I’ve kept my promise, providing of course I pass, which I’m certain I did. The answers had seemed to come easy as I’d been writing them.
I reach into my pocket and pull the pen out.
It was good luck—just like I knew it would be.
As I sit there waiting for Doc to arrive, I think about all of the things I want to do when I leave here tomorrow.
Feeling impulsive for the first time in a long while, I reach out and grab the scrap paper beside me. I remove the lid of the pen and write, Things I want to do, across the top.
But nothing happens. My good luck pen doesn’t work.
I scratch it across the paper several times and still nothing.
I shake it, trying to get ink down into the tip and then realize this type of pen takes cartridges. Gripping the black plastic beneath the golden nib, I twist it open to see if the cartridge is empty. As it comes apart, I tilt it into my hand and watch the contents slip free.
Suddenly, the clock on the wall goes silent, and time once again stops as I stare at what is now in the palm of my hand.
* * *
Past…
Lights.
Bright white lights were all I could see as my eyelids fluttered open.
One, two three. One, two three—it’s back.
I tried to raise my right arm but it felt heavy, as if it were made of lead, and when I looked down to see why, I saw an IV needle protruding from my skin.
Squinting against the brightness, I looked around the quiet, sterile room, taking in my surroundings.
“Hello, Addison.”
Doc.
My throat burned as I swallowed and tried to speak, but nothing came out.
Doc walked over to me and shook his head. “No, don’t push yourself. There will be plenty of time to talk later.”
Later?
There wasn’t supposed to be a later. I was supposed to be…wait—a hospital? I was in a hospital.
One, two three.
How did I get here? How did they know where to find me?
I had so many questions, but I didn’t ask any of them. Instead, I closed my eyes.
None of it mattered.
I was still here, and he was still gone.
Nothing had changed.
* * *
“Addison…Addison?”
I could hear my mother’s voice as I once again opened my eyes. When I saw her standing by my bed, I wondered how much time had passed since I last woke.
“Addison? You need to wake up, young lady. These men want to ask you some questions.”
I looked at the door where the two men were standing. One was dressed in a drab grey suit and tie and the other wore a police uniform.
What were the police doing here?
“Good morning, Addison.”
I really wished people would stop calling me that. He used to call me that.
“I’m Detective Lawson, and this is Officer Davidson. We have a few questions for you.”
I wondered if I wished hard enough, if they would disappear. But then the Detective said something that captured my full attention.
“When was the last time you saw or had any contact with Grayson McKendrick?”
Why were they asking me this? How long had I been in the hospital?
“I know you’ve been a patient for a little over a week, but we need to talk to him, and he’s nowhere to be found. I’m sure you can understand why we are here, Miss Lancaster.”
One, two three. One, two three.
Couldn’t find him? What did they mean?
My mind felt foggy as I tried to remember—tried to catch up.
“We’ve had no luck reaching him on his phone, at the school, or at his home. His truck is gone, and his neighbors haven’t seen him for days.”
I didn’t know what he was talking about.
“When we searched his house, we fo
und something you may understand better than us. Do you feel well enough to look at it?”
I didn’t, but I was too curious not to, so I nodded. He passed me a plastic baggie with a piece of paper inside, and when I read the words, I felt my stomach turn.
I went without struggle as I tasted the Queen of Poisons.
“So? Does that mean anything to you?”
Maybe...but nothing I wanted to talk to them about.
What did Grayson mean when he wrote that? What had he done?
“Addison?” My mother’s sharp voice cut through my thoughts.
I’d forgotten she was even in the room.
“If you know something, you need to tell these men.”
I didn’t need to tell them shit, and I knew she could sense my contempt. She looked away from me and refocused her attention on the police in an attempt to explain away my behavior.
“Addison’s been through quite an ordeal. She hasn’t spoken since she woke. Maybe it’s best if you give her some time to think about it?”
Think about it?
I didn’t want time to think.
What did he mean, he’d tasted the Queen of Poisons?
The flower or…me?
In the end, it didn’t even matter.
He was gone, and I would never see him again.
I couldn’t fathom the thought and didn’t want to think at all.
One, two, three.
* * *
Present…
Sitting in the small library, all I can hear is ringing in my ears as the blood rushes to my head. There in the palm of my hand is a small, square negative.
An old-school film negative.
I close my fingers into a loose fist, knowing that whatever this is...whatever secrets were inside this pen—his pen—they are meant for me.
What is the picture?
I have to get the print. I need to know.
There is one thing I’m now sure of. He didn’t leave me that day.
He freed me.
* * *
Past…
“I know you’re awake, Addison.”
Doc.
I shifted my head on the pillow and saw him walk into my hospital room.
“They’re going to transfer you to the Pine Groves Psychiatric Facility in the morning, did you know that?”
Choosing to keep my mouth shut, I watched as he walked farther into my room and pulled a chair beside my bed.
One, two three. One, two, three.
“Your mother had them admit you for thirty days.”
Fucking great.
Maybe I’d feel better about it if she were doing it because she was worried—but she wasn’t. She was worried about what her high society friends thought of her.
Oh, there goes Mrs. Lancaster. Did you hear her daughter slept with that teacher and then tried to kill herself? No wonder they put her away.
“I agree with this decision,” Doc said, breaking through my thoughts.
My eyes widened in surprise at the betrayal of a man I once believed was my ally. As he reached out to me, I snatched my hand away.
“Come on, Addison.”
I wished he would stop calling me that.
Doc never called me Addison. I was always Addy.
“We were lucky we found you the other morning. I think this is for the best right now.”
I had nothing to say.
Apparently, I was the only one left to protect me, so I would retreat.
I would hide until it was safe again for me to come out—no matter how long that took.
* * *
Present…
“All done?”
I turn to see Doc walking through the door of the library. After sliding the negative back into the pen, I slip it into my pocket and stand.
“Yes. All done.”
Doc’s smile is contagious as he beams proudly and places his hands behind his back. “Good, Addy. That’s terrific. How do you feel?”
Right now I feel anxious, excited and full of adrenaline, and none of it has to do with the papers on the table behind me but rather the secret in my pocket.
A secret that came from him, which had been given to me by…
“Doc?” I ask as I make my way over to him.
“Yes, Addy?”
“When you ask me questions, you always ask me not to lie.”
“Yes, that’s true.”
“If I ask you something, will you tell me the truth?”
He regards me for a moment before he replies. “I will. If I’m able.”
Holding up Grayson’s pen, I watch Doc’s eyes move to it.
“You said Grayson gave this to you.”
He says nothing as he continues looking from the pen to me.
“When?”
“The day I gave it to you,” he says, and my mind begins to race.
He gave this to me only recently, a little over a week ago.
I throw caution out the window as I stare up at the man who’d told me I needed to trust him. I do trust him, and I just hope this isn’t a mistake because I have to know.
“How do you know it’s from Grayson?”
“Well, with the initials on the pen, it wasn’t that much of a leap, Addy.”
I step back and begin pacing.
“Why…” I start and then stop, rethinking my question. “How did you know it was for me?”
Doc walks over to me and takes my arm, stopping me in my tracks. “It came with something else.”
I wonder for a moment if he knows about the negative.
“It was addressed to my home office, Addy. I didn’t recognize the name of the sender, and when I opened it, I found the pen and a note that read, ‘It wasn’t good, and it wasn’t evil—it was just love. She deserves love. Make her understand. Take care of her, Doc.’ That first part is a play on a quote from Nietzsche, did you know that?”
I try to take it all in, but my heart is thundering so hard in my chest I’m surprised Doc can’t hear it.
“You quoted Nietzsche to me, also. That’s not a coincidence, is it?”
There’s no use denying anything anymore, and I am beyond being evasive. I just want to know…“Where did it come from? The envelope, was there a return address?”
“Addison,” Doc warns. “Whatever you’re thinking, really think it through. He sent the pen to you later, I’m assuming when he thought you were ready, and that’s when I gave it to you. To encourage you. To give you strength.”
I grin up at Doc.
He doesn’t know it, but he has given me much more than that and so has Grayson.
Grayson doesn’t just want me happy. He wants to tell me something, and I am more than ready to listen.
Chapter Thirty-Four
The Here & Now…
Release day. It is finally here.
It feels like I’ve been at Pine Groves for thirty years, not days. A knock sounds on my door and I see Doc step inside. I know that it’s thanks to this man that it has only been thirty days.
“Good Morning, Addy.”
“Hey, Doc,” I tell him as I start to fold my clothes.
“Big day for you today.”
Nodding, I walk past him to pick up a sweater that’s sitting on the small set of drawers in here.
“Yes. I’m ready.”
“Are you?” he asks, making me turn to face him.
“Another test?” I joke with a grin.
“No, a legitimate question. Are you ready, Addy?”
“Yes,” I assure him and pick up my sweater. I walk back to where he’s standing and place a hand on his arm. “I feel good.”
“Okay. So you have your prescriptions and my number if you need anything?”
I squeeze his arm and smile, feeling happy tears spring to my eyes.
Doc is the one person in my life I can count on, and I know he’ll always be there for me. Somewhere along the way, he’d reached me. Just as he is with his family, he’s also my rock—the one person that grounds me.
“I’ve got it,” I promise and step around him to finish packing.
“Your mom sent a cab.”
Glancing over my shoulder, I raise a brow. “Why am I not surprised?”
“I can give you a lift home, Addy.”
I stretch across the bed to take down the photograph on my wall, and as my fingers graze Cupids wings, I suddenly have an idea.
“I need to stop somewhere on the way.”
I turn back to face Doc and hold up the photo. “I want to get a new copy of this. Would you mind if we stop at the camera store?”
Doc reaches out and takes the crinkled photo from me.
“Psyche.”
“Yes,” I murmur. My love for this photo and the memories that go with it are some of my most treasured.
Doc slips his hand into one of his pockets and pulls out an envelope, handing it to me. I feel my heart almost stop as I recognize what he’s giving me—my letter.
Grayson’s letter.
I take it from him with a trembling hand and look up at him, my mind full of questions. I’d thought this letter was lost when all I’d woken up here with was the photo…but no.
Doc knew all along about Grayson. About me. About us.
“The morning I found you, you were clutching this as if your life depended on it, and Addy…it did.”
Confused, I bring the letter closer to me and feel my heart start to beat again.
“I got a call early that morning. The person didn’t say who they were, just that they saw you going into the Oakwood Cemetery. It was obvious they were worried about you, and you shouldn’t have been out at that time.”
I stare at Doc, disbelieving. Is he telling me what I think he is?
“I knew that was where Daniel was buried, Addy. I knew the call was about you, and when I got there and found you on the ground…”
Doc shakes his head and brings his hand up to rub his face.
“It was like seeing one of my daughters lying there. You were so still…I thought I was too late. But then I saw your hands move with your chest as you took a breath, and...that was when I called the ambulance.”