“I do, but you don’t need the cards to see that.”
“No, but it’s right here,” she said, indicating a series of elaborately illustrated cards. One I recognized as the Two of Cups. “Has he told you he loves you yet?” she asked as she lay down another row of cards.
“He did but he was drunk when I got here last night. I’m not sure he’s aware he said it, or if he’s aware it was the first time he said it.”
“Well,” she said, indicating another card, “get that cleared up as soon as possible. Tonight even. He’s going to need that rock these next few days you know.”
I nodded.
She continued to lay cards out in what appeared to me to be a random pattern, but what was clearly an ordered progression for her. She nodded and hummed positively as she laid out the cards. Slightly to the side and over the first two rows she placed two more cards. Her brows furrowed and she tapped the cards. “I don’t know what to make of this,” she glanced at me with concern.
“All this,” she gestured to the pattern of cards, “confirms what I see in both of your hearts: love, togetherness. I see greatness in your future together. But this,”— she tapped the cards again— “this is telling me of a wall or a blockade. Something stops, or is stopped. I can’t tell.” Thinking, she got up and left the room.
I took the opportunity to peek at the cards. The two she kept tapping were Judgement and the Knight of Cups. The image on the card made me catch my breath. It was Ares, same nose, same jaw, same shape of brow, but with flowing white hair and golden eyes wearing a silver helmet. I wonder how she had never seen it.
Eva returned with her mother, upon entering Mama asked if she could look at my cards. She smiled a large toothy smile. I’ve seen that smile on Ares. She softly said “Babies,” and nodded. I’m sure I must have gasped, babies? Part of me wanted to freak out. My heart beat a little faster at the idea. First, Ares says something while he’s drunk, now this. She began tapping on the same cards that Eva had been focused on.
“This isn’t terribly troubling. But it comes before all of this,” she said indicating the larger pattern area of cards, the pattern that made her smile. Mama slipped into the chair next to me, and Eva returned to her chair. She flipped over a few more cards and glanced at her mother.
“See, it will pass,” she said.
“Something said ‘insurmountable’ earlier, but now I can’t see it.” Eva shook her head.
“No, love is here,” Mama said. “Love is here.” She patted my shoulder and left us to it.
“Okay, I give. What have you been talking about? ’Cause I’m lost,” I admitted.
“I saw something that looked potentially bad, but it’s overwhelmed by all this amazing good. Ya know, I see future and family. I don’t want to freak you out, but Mama could probably tell you how many babies you and Tommy are going to have. Your kids are going to be amazing by the way. That’s not freaking you out is it?” She looked a tad concerned.
“A bit. I kinda like the idea, but I’m not sure we’re to that point yet. I mean, we have to get past ‘I love you’ before we can talk marriage and babies, ya know?” I blushed at the thought of making babies with Ares. Eva nodded understandingly.
“Look, my brother can be an idiot. I think what I saw was him cocking things up pretty bad. Don’t let him get away with it. I mean cut him some slack when it happens, but let him know he screwed up.”
“My ex cheated on me. I don’t think I could cut Ares any slack if he did too. I know you’re saying give him a free pass to save the relationship. But that, I don’t think that’s a wound that’s ever going to heal. And if Ares did that to me…” Just thinking about it made me have to pause to calm myself. I could tell if I kept talking it would all spill out and end up exposing that fear that I kept shoving away.
“Oh Lizzie, no no no no.” She had her hands out calming me, I think she may have been petting my aura or something. She wasn’t touching me, but I felt a physical calming. “Lizzie, this would be an unintentional cock up. Something like that he would be very aware that he was doing wrong. All this—” she waved at the cards then at her head “— and what Mama sees, no, he wouldn’t do that to you. But if he ever does, I will castrate him myself. And I will sit on your side of the divorce court. No. He’s too easy to read for me. He’s already made up his mind about you, and he’s very stubborn once he has decided something. You are his skin, and his lungs, his very being. I’m talking about something stupid, but ugly and hurtful to your sense of wellbeing, not anything physical. I’m talking about the kind of thing that could easily cause you to walk away this early in a relationship.” Eva soothed my fears regarding fidelity. I couldn’t think of anything so bad that I would just walk away from Ares that wasn’t related to his temper or his touring.
My head was reeling, on the one hand babies, on the other an unknown massive cock up that I needed to help us get past. I decided not to focus on either for the moment, and just get through the next few days. I followed Eva back into the living room. Ryan was sprawled on the couch. Phil was helping Maria with her coat. I watched them say their goodbyes, and looked to Ares. I wasn’t sure if it was time to leave, or were we to stay. I had to follow his lead in this. Ares just glowered into inner space. He hadn’t been very talkative all evening. He was sad and morose, still focused on the sudden loss of his friend.
I leaned over and rubbed his knee. “Hey.”
He focused on my face.
“Let’s get you home, okay?”
Ares nodded and stood. His hugs lingered on his mother and Eva, and he ruffled Ryan’s green hair. His mother hugged me and patted me on the cheek.
Eva looped her arm in mine and walked me out to the car. “Remember what I said about telling him how you feel.”
I agreed, I would make sure I told him. She then told me to get him to music – writing, playing, or even just sitting in front of a piano. Music was his therapy. He worked out so many of his problems through music. As she was saying that I was thinking he let go of everything when working on my yard. He needed dirt therapy as well. My goals for tomorrow were set, find Ares dirt and music.
Ares drove home, I watched the lights of traffic play across his face. “I like your family,” I said breaking the silence.
“They like you too.” He focused on his driving.
“Well, your mom and Eva do, but I don’t think Maria does.”
“No, Maria likes you. Phil said she is already bitching about you the way she does about me and Eva.”
“Maria bitching about me is good?” My eyebrows shot up to my hairline.
“Yes, it’s good.” He glanced at me, his frown not so prominent. Not a smile, just not a frown. “Eva likes you too.”
“Well, I adore her, so that’s good. And I think your mom likes me too.”
“She told you to call her Mama. I think she’s ready for…” he trailed off.
“For what?” I knew what he was thinking, babies. I wanted to see if he would say it. He didn’t.
“She likes you.” He nodded.
His mood lightened some. The tension around his eyes relaxed slightly, and his lips relaxed, no longer pulled into a hard frown. Back inside the flat, I stopped him in the hallway, “I love you. You know that, right?”
He gathered me into his chest. “It’s all I ever wanted.”
I sighed as he held me close.
We got ready for bed. Ares lost back in his sorrow, me trying to not focus on having said “I love you” without having gotten an “I love you too” in response. Stupid me. I thought that’s what Eva had meant: ‘tell him that you love him.’ I told him, I hoped I was showing him too. After all, I dropped everything to be here. My thoughts were going in stupid directions again.
So what if we had been together briefly? So what if the long distance part of this relationship was longer than our few weeks together? So what if we hadn’t made love since I arrived? So what, right? I loved him, and words or not, I knew he loved me. Besid
es, I completely believed Eva and his mother. Love. Future. Babies.
Ares was already in bed when I climbed in. It had been an emotionally hard day. I felt like I had set myself up to end on an off note. He pulled me back into his embrace. In his low rumbling voice he quietly said into my hair “I’m glad you came, I’m not good company right now.”
I started to make excuses for him.
“No, listen. You are all I need. You let me know that all is right with the world. Craig died and you weren’t here I felt like everything was lost to me, but you came and it’s better. I feel whole again. You complete me. It’s funny, I think this every time I look at you, every time I think about you. But saying ‘I love you’ the first time seems like such a huge step. And it shouldn’t be. I love you Elizabeth. I have for weeks but being able to say it finally, to hear it from you.” He sighed, “I’m never going to stop saying it to you now, you know that.”
I snuggled deeper into his arms, pushing my back against his chest. “Good, cause I certainly like hearing it.”
I fell asleep listening to Ares murmur, “I love you,” over and over and over.
The next day was a quiet one. Ares spent his time in contemplative thought. I tried to not moon after him. Taking Eva’s advice I let Ares sit in peace in his music room. I don’t think he really did anything except sit and mindlessly plink keys on his electric piano. He was clearly having a difficult time focusing on anything except death.
He was on and off the phone for a good portion of the afternoon. I would see him walk between the music room and the kitchen to return with a glass of water. Always on the phone. I had assumed it was a series of phone calls. Turns out it had only been one.
I sat on the couch catching up on the last season of Tails from the Urban Jungle. I finally had some uninterrupted time without the girls around to finish the sexy cable show. Ares sat down next to me. “It looks like we are flying to LA on Tuesday.”
My first thought was of abandonment. I hadn’t noticed he said ‘we’ at first. Holy crap LA?
“What? LA?”
“Yeah.” He reached for the remote, “may I?”
I nodded and he clicked the TV off. He swiveled to face me.
“That was Pat Fuller, he’s from a production company in LA. He’s been working with Craig on some projects. Soundtrack work.”
So that’s who Ares had been speaking with.
“He called as soon as he heard about Craig, and he had my number. Apparently, my name had come up in their discussions. And this guy wants me to come down to LA and get caught up on what he and Craig had been discussing.”
“But I’m here until Thursday,” I said thinly.
“I thought about that. You fly back through LA. Don’t you? Let’s see if we can just split your return flight so the first leg is on Tuesday, and then second leg stays the same on Thursday.”
It was a good idea. Unfortunately the airline didn’t think it was as brilliant as I did. They made me buy a new ticket from Seattle to LA. I was able to leave the LA to Nashville flight as it was.
The prospect of picking up Craig’s project intrigued Ares. He was happy to find out that Craig had officially wanted to bring him into the project, especially since it was the kind of transition he wanted to make with his music.
Ares’s mood for the rest of the afternoon was considerably less gloomy. He even took me out to dinner at one of his favorite local spots. He clearly knew the waitress more from being a regular, than from being a rock star. When people did stare at us, I got the distinct impression it was more because of his height and extreme good looks than who he was. In Nashville, when people stared at him, I could always tell they were trying to figure out if he was a famous musician or not.
That night Ares went straight to bed, again. Tomorrow was going to be a rough day, it was the funeral. He would be faced with having to finally say goodbye to Craig. Something he was having a hard time with. I climbed in and held him. It was all I could do to ease his pain.
Sixteen
He stood in front of me, dark and glowering with the weight of the heavens pushing down on his back. He hunched over. I could tell his hands were clenched, I couldn’t see them so I couldn’t tell if they were clenched together, or they were just fisted, but by the movement, or lack thereof, in the muscles of his shoulders, they were clenched hard, and he wasn’t relaxing.
He scowled with a deep frown and a furrowed brow that turned every glance into a glare. I couldn’t see his face, but he had that expression on as soon as he woke up and realized what today was. He stared at the casket, which was probably a good thing, with his menacing glower and sheer size he would have intimidated the priest. I can’t imagine that would have been a good thing on this solemn occasion. Every now and then his head would move, a slight bob up and down, or a slight shake in response to the sermon and the eulogy.
It was a beautiful day out, in stark contrast to the gloomy mood that pervaded the funeral. Craig’s mother and ex-wife decided that if it was going to be nice out, a graveside service would be best. Craig liked nice sunny days. I doubt the thought was appreciated by anyone. I don’t think anyone resented being outside, it’s mostly that no matter how lovely the weather, it’s never a good day for a funeral.
After the priest delivered his funerary sermon, Gunter gave the eulogy. Ares was asked, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He just stood at the foot of the coffin and glowered. When the procession of friends and family began to throw flowers on to the coffin, he did step back, otherwise he was just so still.
I sat and watched him. I wasn’t able to offer any solace or succor. Ares had asked me to sit in the back, so he could be alone with Craig. I obliged. As everyone was leaving, Gunter’s wife, Selma came and sat next to me. She was a slender woman, with a straight sloped nose and freckles, and a friendly face. Even though she wasn’t smiling now, I could tell she smiled a lot.
“He’s going to be a mess, isn’t he?” she asked.
“He already is.” I nodded.
“Well, I am glad you were able to come and anchor him. You know they knew each other since the first or second grade. I can’t imagine growing up with someone like that,” she sighed.
“Yeah.” I nodded more.
“We are all headed over to Craig’s mother’s house for some sort of a wake thing.” She wrote the address on a slip of paper. “For the driver,” she said. “And here is my cell, and Gun’s in case you need help with him.” She scribbled numbers on the back of the paper then nodded toward Ares. “Call if you need any help. If he gets too drunk…” she paused, “he can be, um…” she paused again, searching for the right word, “he can be rather difficult to handle when he’s drunk, it’s not good to, um…” she paused again.
“I don’t think he’s going to do anything. If he does, he’s told me, ah… I know what to look out for, what to do. And he knows if he does anything like that, that’s it, I’m done. Gone. He’s been stone cold sober since just after I got here.” I shook my head staring at his back, trying to transmit all the love and security I could into him. Pushing my energy toward him.
As if he felt my caress his back lifted in a stuttered sigh.
“I’ve even told him he could get drunk if he thought it would help.” I laughed. “He just growled at me.”
Selma stood, taking my hand. “If you need anything give me a call, maybe we will see you over at Craig’s.” She squeezed my hand.
“Thanks,” I said. “Selma, it’s nice to finally meet you. I’m just sorry for the circumstances.”
She gave me a quick hug. “I’m so glad he found you. He’s needed someone for a long time.”
We said our good-byes and she left. I watched as most of the cars glided out in procession. I noticed our car, with the driver leaning against the side, was still there. The driver just nodded at me, he was at our disposal for the day. It was nice to know that.
I approached Ares and ran my hand up his arm. The sun had made the fabric of his blac
k suit hot to the touch. As I watched his face, I noticed sweat beading on his upper lip. He didn’t look at me, just continued to glower at the coffin.
“Fucking motorcycles. Fucking stupid drivers. That easily could have been me.” His voice was deep and gravely from lack of use, and tight with emotion.
“It’s not you. You are here.” I sounded lame as I said it, but what was I going to say? Anything logic wanted said was too much. There was no explaining away a bad accident. It just happened, and looking for reasons right now was like pouring salt on an open wound. Ares was one big raw emotional wound, I had no plans on aggravating him.
I had no idea how long we stood there, grief can dilate and compress time better than a science fiction movie. I continued to pet his arm and gaze up at his face. He continued to stare at the coffin.
“I need to do something,” he finally said.
“We could go to Craig’s house. Selma said they are having a wake.” I continued to pet his arm.
“No, I need to do something.” He squinted at me, then shrugged his shoulders back into posture, and turned looking around the cemetery. He handed me his jacket then strode away.
Craig’s funeral had been set up with the casket on some sort of winch, there was a pulpit at the head, and chairs in horse-shoe rows along the other three sides. Most of this was under a dark green tent cover, so the priest and the immediate family were not in the direct sun, if it had rained, they would have been protected. The area to either side of the pulpit was framed with obligatory funerary wreaths
At the end of the service, the casket had been lowered for the ceremonial burying. Craig’s widow and mother were able to throw a bit of dirt onto the casket, other mourners tossed in flowers.
There was no actual dirt near the grave site to fill the hole. That was where Ares had gone. He went to get dirt. He returned driving a tractor with a front loader of dirt.
I half expected him to dump it in on top of the casket, or drive into the hole in the ground. But he actually knew how to use the equipment. He constantly surprised me with what he knew. He unloaded the dirt next to the grave. I had retreated to a chair under the tent. I said nothing, and watched as Ares “did something.”
Ballad Ares Page 15