by Mia Ford
She jangled the keys in the lock and pushed open the door, to find the apartment shrouded in darkness. Jesse had already gone to bed it appeared.
In the darkness of the room, Belle tried to be as quiet as possible as she went to the kitchen area to pour herself a glass of water. Next, she went to the bathroom to wash herself. She was afraid that she might smell of Devon and sex. Belle silently stripped herself off her clothes, then she dampened a towel and washed between her legs. She splashed some cold water on her face too, hoping that would soothe her nerves. But nothing helped.
Slipping into her satin night dress, she tied her hair up in a ponytail and stepped out of the bathroom.
On the mattress on the floor, she could see Jesse’s shadowy outline. He was turned towards the window, away from her side of the bed. She wondered if some other guy would have stayed up for her. Or was this the norm? She had never lived with a boy before, and the initial excitement of sharing her life with another person was quickly fading.
Belle walked over to the mattress silently, sudden guilt gripping her heart. She had done something wrong. She had slept with someone else. She had cheated on Jesse. What had he done wrong? Other than not being able to find a job and denying her sex; was there anything else that was gravely wrong with him? He didn’t treat her badly, neither was he violent or abusive; and as far as she knew, he was a faithful guy.
Belle couldn’t sleep. She tried to edge herself as far away from Jesse’s sleeping body as possible. She didn’t think she deserved to be touched, just after she had been unfaithful to him. The guilt kept her awake. She couldn’t stop thinking about how deeply it would hurt Jesse to find out that while he was saving himself for her, she had already given up her virginity to her boss. How could she possibly rectify it? How could she ever take it back?
Belle turned to face the other way and felt a fat teardrop escape her eyelid and fall on the pillow underneath. It was all her fault. She was the one who had seduced Devon. He had tried to push her away, but she came to see him, she told him that she didn’t care about what happened. She wanted to sleep with him.
While her boyfriend was by himself in their apartment, waiting for her.
When Jesse moved, Belle’s heart stopped. She didn’t want him to wake up, she didn’t want to speak to him. She felt like she was the worst human being on the planet, by cheating on a good guy.
“Hey, how did it go? Did you meet your boss?” Jesse’s voice was groggy. Belle gulped and tried to even her breathing before opening her mouth to speak.
“Yeah, but I have to move to the Brooklyn office. I don’t have a choice,” she said, still turned away from him. She felt him move again, and realized that he was turning over to her side now. She sensed his arm reach around her waist and he brought her tightly close to him.
“It’ll be fine. You’ll be closer to home and closer to me. We can meet for lunch every day,” he said, still groggy but she could sense that he was smiling. She didn’t reply for a few seconds and then heard his heavy breathing. He had fallen asleep again.
Belle didn’t move. Jesse’s arm around her waist felt like a ton of bricks on her body. It didn’t feel natural, it sent a cold shiver down her spine. But she remained in that position, laying with her eyes wide open.
She couldn’t remember anymore what had attracted her to Jesse in the first place. Was it his boyish long blond hair? The dimples on his cheeks? Or was it because all her friends thought he was cute too? She knew she was too quick to agree to move in with him. They didn’t know each other well enough. At the time however, it was comforting to know that she wouldn’t have to live in New York all alone. She should never have doubted herself. She should have known that she could make it anywhere.
Belle tried to sleep, but she couldn’t stop her mind from working on overtime. Devon and Jesse, Jesse and Devon. Not like she knew Devon either. All she knew about him, was that she felt an uncontrollable physical connection with him that she had never felt with anyone else before. She wished she could talk to him more, because she got the sense that he actually understood her and he saw something in her that most people didn’t. He definitely saw something in her that Jesse didn’t.
But that chapter was over. She was in it with Jesse, and now she would have to find a way to forget about Devon and move on with Jesse. It had only been four months that they were together, and Belle believed that she still owed it to him to give him another chance.
Devon
Devon couldn’t sleep. His penthouse apartment felt empty and alone, and he wished that he could have Belle there with him. Which he knew was a ridiculous thought, because he knew nothing about her. But he also realized that he hadn’t ever felt like this about another woman before.
Devon had spent his entire twenties working hard, gaining the experience he needed working for other advertising agencies, making connections. When other people his age were out partying, Devon was working hard at his desk. He had close to no social life, other than one night stands with women whose faces he didn’t even remember any more. His thirties were spent in trying to establish his own agency. This too required a lot of hard work, and again, Devon had no time for actual relationships.
By the end of his thirties, Devon had built an empire and one of the most successful advertising agencies on the East Coast. Now in his forties, and after a string of multiple short lasting affairs and flings, Devon was tired of women. He didn’t even know where to begin to have an actual relationship. In a sense, he was a virgin too, just like Belle. He had no experience in real dating, he had no clue what it felt like to be with a woman consistently over a long period of time. The only woman he had slept with more than twice; was Alisha. And he knew for a fact that he didn’t want to be in a relationship with her.
Just when he was giving up, Belle had magically appeared in his life. There was an instant connection there. It started on the elevator, when he felt the spark, a sexual attraction that would have driven him to insanity if he hadn’t called her to his office. Ever since that, the attraction he felt towards her was more than just physical. Something unlike any other he experienced.
She wasn’t just forbidden fruit to him. He knew that was certain now, because they finally had sex. It was more than that. He wanted to keep seeing her. He wanted to share a meal with her. He wanted to sit on the couch and watch a movie together and then fall asleep in each others arms.
As he lay awake in bed, thinking about Belle and day dreaming about what a relationship with her would look like; he wondered if this was what falling in love felt like. But she was the wrong person; in the wrong circumstances. She was beautiful, charming and intelligent…but she was his employee, had a boyfriend and was way younger than appropriate.
And yet, he couldn’t stop thinking about her. He couldn’t stop thinking about how well they connected. The sex was hot, he had taken her virginity but it was more than just that. When they were lying beside each other on the carpet floor; Devon hadn’t been able to stop his mind from wandering. He wished he could simply scoop her back into his arms, kiss her on her lips and then go and get pizza somewhere.
But he knew it was impossible. He needed to maintain a professional relationship with her. There had to be some other woman who also made him feel that way. He didn’t believe in love at first sight. Hell, he didn’t even believe in love. He had spent his entire adult life sleeping with and seducing beautiful women, and not one of them had made him feel like he could spend his entire life with them.
How had this twenty something girl from Little Canada, an intern in his office, stirred these emotions in him?
Devon jumped out of bed and stared at the clock. It was only four in the morning and he hadn’t had a wink of sleep yet. He walked over to his closet, stripped down his clothes and changed into his running gear. Maybe some fresh air would clear his brain, he figured.
Belle Freedman had messed up his life, he thought now. He should be angry with her. He led a comfortable life as a confirmed bach
elor, concentrating on his work and the success of his agency. He was happy that way. But now he had a taste for a different kind of happiness, and all this other stuff just seemed bland. His penthouse didn’t excite him. He had no use for his gym. He didn’t feel like going to work. He was going through all the emotions that teenagers went through, but he was forty-three years old! He should have been way past that age. He shouldn’t be feeling these feelings, for a girl he couldn’t have. For the first time, Devon felt powerless and out of control.
Devon left his apartment and took the elevators down to the lobby of his luxurious apartment building. The security guard at the door was surprised to see him that early. He smiled at the man and jogged out into the streets. The sky was still dark, the streetlights were still on and Devon began to run. He had no idea which direction he was running in, but all he wanted was to shake off that feeling.
He didn’t even want to imagine the kind of guilt that Belle was feeling. He was guilty himself, for being weak and sleeping with her. He wondered if this would ruin her peace of mind. She felt so delicate and small in his arms when he held her. He had stroked her hair and wished that he could fix everything. But he knew he couldn’t. He couldn’t even have her in his arms again.
Devon plugged in his earphones and turned the music on loud as he continued to jog. He had decided he would till he was out of breath, till his chest felt like it was about to explode; so that he wouldn’t have to think about Belle and how much he missed her.
Belle
Belle was hunched over her keyboard, her fingers midway in the air. She had been trying to concentrate for some time now, but her mind was elsewhere. When she looked up at the screen, she saw the cursor blinking. She had forgotten what she was about to type.
“Hey, Belle. Do you have the report ready?” Jasmine stuck her head around the cubicle, and Belle looked up with her wide brown eyes.
“Umm…give me half an hour? Please? Sorry, I got slightly delayed,” she said and Jasmine licked her lips, before disappearing without saying anything.
Belle had been working in the Brooklyn office for a week now, and she didn’t think it was going very well. Jasmine was her mentor in this office, and she could sense that she had failed to impress her. She tried hard, she tried her best…but she couldn’t help but think about Devon all day. She hadn’t seen or spoken to him since that night in his office. It was obvious that he was keeping out of her way.
Susan had explained to her that she was needed more in the Brooklyn office and she would have more opportunity to learn there. It was true that she was closer to their apartment now, but the distance from Devon was only making her think about him more. Belle decided that she only needed to give it time. That with time the wound would heal. That she would be able to make amends with Jesse and move on, but it had been a week and she still couldn’t stop thinking about how Devon had made her feel.
Belle shook her head and tried to concentrate again. She forced herself to work on the new market survey, and completed it within half an hour.
She walked over to Jasmine’s desk, left it by her computer because Jasmine wasn’t at the table and then she walked out of the office. It was already a quarter past one and she knew Jesse would be waiting. They had planned on meeting for lunch.
Belle hurried, weaving through the crowds till she found Jesse sitting on the wall at the spot where they had decided to meet. They didn’t have the money to go to an actual cafe or restaurant, so they had planned that he would pack lunch for them and bring it along with him.
“Ham sandwiches!” he said with a grin and waved two foil wrapped sandwiches in the air as Belle hurried towards him.
“Sorry, I got caught up at work. I only have fifteen minutes,” she said and he leaned over to plant a kiss on her cheek.
“Don’t worry about it babe,” he said kindly and handed her one of the sandwiches. Belle unwrapped the foil and took one ravenous bite of the sandwich. Jesse jumped off the wall and she noticed that he had an unusual smile on his face.
“What’s up?” she asked, realizing that she wasn’t actually interested in what he had to say. She wanted to go back to the office, sit at her desk and day dream about Devon instead.
“I got a call back from the restaurant where I dropped in my CV yesterday,” Jesse said, beaming still. Belle forced a smile on her face and nodded her head.
“That’s great news, Jesse! When do you have to go back?” she asked.
“At three today. I think I’ll get the job, babe. I told you I’ll figure it out,” he said and Belle reached over to give him a kiss.
“I know, I’m happy for you,” she said and her muscles stiffened when Jesse reached for her hand.
“I’m happy for us. We can finally start living our lives,” he said and Belle agreed. She allowed him to squeeze her hand, but pulled it away instantly on the pretext of unwrapping her sandwich.
“I’m looking forward to it. They pay well. Enough to make rent anyway. But I’m sad that we’ll be seeing each other less often,” he said and Belle pursed her lips.
“That’s normal isn’t it? It’ll take some pressure off me,” she said and Jesse’s face darkened instantly.
“I didn’t realize that you felt so pressurized,” he said and Belle shook her head.
“No, I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant that we could live a more comfortable life from now on,” she said and Jesse looked away from her and concentrated on eating his sandwich instead.
“Well, yeah, whatever. I’ll not have to depend on you for subway money any more,” he said, a little bitterly and Belle reached out to touch his arm. He drew his arm away, and she took in a sharp breath.
“I didn’t mean to offend you, Jesse. I’m just glad that you finally found something, and I hope it makes you happy,” she said, trying to sound kind. Jesse said nothing and Belle remained silent too. In silence they finished their sandwiches and then Belle looked at her watch.
“I should head back. Best of luck with the interview. I know you’ll get the job,” she said and stared at him longingly. She wanted him to say something nice, to reassure her again that everything would be alright. She was anxious that she couldn’t rely on his mood.
“Bye, see you later,” he said instead and turned around and walked away from her. Belle gulped, unsure of what the future of their relationship was going to look like. She wished he could be in a good mood more often, that she wouldn’t have to walk around on eggshells all the time; afraid of upsetting him.
She shook her head as she watched him walking away from her, and when he was out of sight, she went back to the office and sat at her desk. Her only hope was that she could get past the next few weeks without having a breakdown, and then maybe, just maybe she could go on with her life without yearning to see Devon all the time.
Devon
He could sense that Alisha was watching him eat. He was taking his time with his food, pushing it around with his fork on the plate. They had been sitting at the restaurant for nearly an hour and she had already finished her meal.
“You look like you’ve lost your appetite,” she said finally, and Devon looked up to find her sipping from her glass of white wine. It was only two in the afternoon and he wasn’t in the mood to have a drink yet.
“Just not hungry,” he said and Alisha leaned towards him across the table with a wry smile on her face.
“It’s about the girl isn’t it?” she said and Devon stared at her, a tomato stuck in his fork.
“I’m trying to get over that,” he said and Alisha sat back in her chair and stared at him some more.
“I’ve never seen you like this, Devon. She must be some kind of angel,” Alisha said with a disbelieving laugh and he washed down the food in his mouth with some water.
“It’s nothing. I’m just getting old and sentimental probably,” he said and wiped his mouth with a napkin.
Alisha licked her lips and looked suspiciously at him.
“So, you slept with her.
What more do you want?” she asked and Devon took in a sharp breath. He regretted telling Alisha everything now. The last thing he wanted was to dwell on the subject any more.
“Nothing, Alisha. I don’t want anything more. I just want to forget about her and move on,” he said and Alisha arched her eyebrows.
“Wait a minute, are you in love with her or something? Didn’t you say that she was a young thing?” Alisha said and he glared at her. Alisha wasn’t going to back down. She wanted an answer.
“Yes, she’s young. In her early twenties and no I’m not in love. I don’t even know her that well,” he said irritably. Why couldn’t Alisha see that he just wanted to stop talking about it?
“Granted that you don’t know her well, but that doesn’t mean you can’t develop feelings for her,” she continued and Devon slapped the napkin down on the table. Alisha didn’t seem affected by it.
“I don’t have feelings for her, Alisha. I just like her. I enjoy her company. She’s smart and intelligent and the sex was good,” Devon said and sat back dejectedly in his chair. Just talking about Belle made him sad. He wasn’t used to feeling powerless, he wasn’t accustomed to not getting what he wanted. Alisha was still staring at him. Now her look was turning from curiosity to sympathy.
“You know, Devon. Not in a million years would I have imagined seeing you this broken up over a woman,” she said finally, after a minute’s silence.
“I’m not broken up over her!” he said, losing his patience now. Alisha ignored it. She was going to say what she wanted to say.
“I’m sure you know that I spent the better part of our friendship being in love with you. Till I realized that you were impossible to love, or rather you yourself were incapable of the feeling,” she said and Devon stared at her in surprise. He hadn’t expected Alisha to ever speak this way.
“Oh, don’t look so surprised. I have feelings too! I’m not made of stone. And you don’t have to feel sorry about me either, I got over you pretty quickly,” she added and Devon relaxed a little. He still didn’t know what to say to her.