by Mia Ford
Yeah, that was the new me. I was no longer the dutiful daughter who never talked back. Once I'd lost my status as the family's golden child, I realized my parents weren't the perfect parents they pretended to be either. And now that I was a mother myself, I had grown up. A lot.
“Because it's my house, Maya, and I want to decorate it how I please,” my mom said.
I picked up Eli, propping him up on my hip and laughed. “Well, he's your grandson, so it's either put the birds up higher or expect them to get broken, because you know he's going to find a way over there when we're not looking.”
My mom scowled and placed the bird – a white dove – on the top shelf. Almost like she was admitting I was right without actually admitting it. Because I couldn't be right about anything. Not anymore.
Luke came downstairs at that moment, saw the way mom and I were staring at each other – probably felt the tension in the air – and laughed long and loud.
“It's so nice not being the biggest failure in this family,” he said and smiled wide.
It was a common insult, one he tossed at me whenever he had the chance.
“Oh shut up, Luke,” I said, bouncing Eli on my hip. “I'm still not a bigger screw-up than you. At least I went to college –”
“Only to drop out in your first semester because you got knocked up at a frat party,” he said, rolling his eyes. “But hey? Who am I to judge?”
I gritted my teeth and prepared to go off. I didn't want my son hearing crap like Luke was spewing. Right now, it didn't mean anything to him because he was so young and didn't understand. But one day, it would. And Luke had no right to talk to me like that.
“You're a disgrace, Luke McConnell,” I said, leaving the room and heading toward the kitchen.
I needed to get away from him before I went off and said some things I'd regret later. I couldn't let him get to me. I couldn't let my son see me this upset. Luke wasn't worth any of that.
I put Eli in the high chair and sat down in the breakfast nook, my head in my hands, tears streaming down my face. Luke was right though. Try as hard as I could to deny it, it was the truth – I was a failure. Medical school? Down the drain. I was taking classes at the community college in the evening, but there was no future for me as a doctor. Not anymore. I'd never be able to do that, not as a single mother.
Eli babbled, but all I could make out was, “Mama crying,” and instantly, my heart broke.
I didn't want my child to see me crying, especially about my future – or lack thereof. Especially, since my future included him. And he was very much a blessing. I never wanted him to feel like a burden or an unwanted presence. Never.
Yes, Allie had suggested an abortion and I could have done just that. If I had, I wouldn't be in my current situation and would probably already be in med school. But God, there was no way. Once I'd went to the doctor and confirmed what was happening to my body, I couldn't do it. I would never judge somebody else for having an abortion, but I couldn't do it. Not for me.
And despite the fact that my future looked way more uncertain and scary, my son was the best thing that had ever happened to me. I was thankful for him, and I could never, ever let him see me crying over the future I gave up to have him.
“No, mama isn't crying, Eli,” I said, wiping the tears away. “I'm fine. Now let's get you something to eat, okay?”
Eli smiled a toothy grin, his dark eyes so sweet and filled with so much love. My son was already getting so big; he was growing up. One day he'd hear the insults Luke threw at me and he'd understand that they were about him. Which was why I needed to put a stop to that. My son didn't need to feel like he was a burden. He was a choice. I chose to keep him. And that was a choice I never regretted – not even for a second, even though my dreams of being a doctor flew right out the window.
“What do you mean you're having a friend over? You know it's family dinner night,” my mom said as she and Luke walked into the kitchen. “It's for family only.”
Luke went to the fridge and pulled out a carton of milk, drinking from it before my mom shot him a dirty look. He grabbed a glass and rolled his eyes.
“Come on, mom. You know Reese. He's like family, isn't he?”
My heart stopped. Literally, it stopped in my chest as I fed Eli his animal crackers. I stared up at Luke, eyes wide, a nervous energy making my body hum.
“Reese? Didn't he move a long time ago?”
“Yeah, but he's back. The LA thing didn't work out too well,” he said.
“He's back?” I choked.
“Yeah, you deaf or what?” Luke turned to me with a scowl on his face. “Oh, you don't still have a crush on him, do you? He's not into MILF's, sorry.”
My hands were shaking, so I kept them underneath the table. I focused my attention on my son, trying to keep from fighting with my brother. You'd think that a twenty-five-year-old man wouldn't act like he was twelve, but he always got away with murder – even now. Mom let him talk to me this way, without so much as sticking up for me, and I hated it.
“He's not family,” I said., trying to answer for mom, hoping she'd agree with me. “Why can't he come over another night?”
“Because he just got back in town and I want to see him,” Luke said.
“Well see him,” I said. “But he doesn't have to come to dinner.”
“Oh, okay. I'll just skip dinner with the family then –”
Mom finally spoke up, shouting above both of us, “Fine, yes, invite him over. No one misses family dinner.”
She left the room in a huff, leaving me with my obnoxious older brother who looked pleased as punch. He smirked at me, and I swear, it took everything in me not to smack that smile right off his dumb looking face.
No one missed family dinner. My mom said it herself. Nobody missed it without suffering some dire consequences – usually in the form of a never-ending guilt trip. So, I knew there was no way I could get out of the dinner despite the fact that I desperately wanted to.
I racked my brain trying to figure some way out of this mess but was coming up empty at every turn. Maybe if I pretended to be sick? Maybe that would work? Nah, she rarely bought illness as an excuse for anything. Her standard response would likely be telling me to suck it up and be there. I came to the inescapable conclusion that nothing outside of my death would get me out of this.
So, the only thing left for me to do was to talk myself down from the ledge.
It was going to be okay. There was no way Reese could know Eli is his son. Right? In fact, he probably wouldn't even look at me. He likely wanted to avoid me just as much as I wanted to avoid him. Just keep my head down and avoid speaking or making eye contact – just like I used to do when I was young – and hopefully he wouldn't ask about the child sitting next to me that happened to look just like him.
Shit.
Okay, so maybe I noticed the resemblance because I knew the truth of his parentage. It seemed more than obvious to me, but my family – not even Luke – had put two-and-two together. So, maybe Reese wouldn't either. After all, we'd had our one night fling four years ago. Maybe – if I was really lucky – he even forgotten we'd ever slept together. That would be good. That would be very good. In fact, it would be ideal.
As dinnertime approached, I found myself pacing the living room, a knot and a side order of butterflies battling it out in my stomach. Eli was playing on the floor and I was keeping an eye on him, making sure he didn't go near those damn birds again. But I was beyond distracted and couldn't focus on anything.
I listened for any sound that would signal Reese's arrival. I listened for a car pulling up. Footsteps on the front porch. The sound of his voice. Since he and my brother often came in through the back door off the driveway – through the kitchen – I felt relatively safe in the living room. At least, for the moment. I couldn't help but pace as I listened and tried to prepare myself for what was about to happen.
He'd be what, twenty-five now? Like my brother? He could have changed and grown up
a lot since I'd last seen him. Maybe he was a completely different man. Perhaps life in LA had changed him. Maybe for the better. Maybe, he'd become a responsible adult who was putting his life in order.
Maybe, he had the right to know he had a son.
I looked down at Eli, at his sweet face, and it broke my heart that he might never know his father. Every little boy deserved to know who his dad was. But that competed with my belief that not every dad deserved to know who his son was. Some men wanted to be in their lives and others didn't. Would not knowing his father be better than the rejection of a man who wanted nothing to do with you?
And what kind of man would Reese actually be?
So many thoughts. So many questions. None of them had answers.
“Hey, Maya.”
Reese's voice surprised me, caused me to jump, and made a fist seemingly made of ice squeeze my heart painfully. I literally screeched when I heard him. I was facing away from the kitchen and somehow, he'd managed to slip inside without me hearing him. And there he was standing there, bigger than life, and was even saying hi to me.
I turned and put on a fake smile. “Hi Reese. How's it been?”
I didn't know if he noticed Eli at that point or not, because he just stared at me and smiled. That smile that always pulled me in and made my heart flutter. The one that had never been directed at me until the night I'd conceived our son. And yet, there he was, smiling at me again.
Oh, and he was still so gorgeous. Tall, dark and handsome as ever. He was no longer wearing the super baggy jeans and baseball caps he wore in his younger days. But he was still looking every bit the part of the big baller – just a little bit nicer. Nicer jeans, a nicer shirt. And he'd grown up a bit too. His face had stubble on it, just a light dusting of hair that made him look more like a man and less like the boy that he was before he left town.
“It's been good,” he said. “Glad to be home though. I missed Chicago.”
“Missed it here? While in LA?” I asked.
I was nervous, not really sure how to make small talk with the father of my child – especially given the fact that he didn't know he was the father of my child.
“Yeah, the weather is nice out there,” he said. “But it's just not the same as home, ya know?”
“Not really. I've never been,” I said. “But I guess home is where the heart is, right?”
“I suppose so.”
That's when Eli pulled on my pants leg and said, “Mama, hold me?”
Reese's gaze fell on the toddler, and there was a moment of surprise in his face – but also a question in his eyes. I could see it on his face, plain as day, as he studied the child in front of me. I picked up my son, cradled him in my arms, facing him away from Reese.
“Listen,” I said, “It was nice catching up, but I really have to help my mom in the –”
But Reese stopped me from walking past him and into the kitchen. He stopped and looked at the child in my arms, then back at me, then back at Eli again. Eli looked back at him like he would any new person – with a wary curiosity.
“You have a kid?” Reese asked.
“I do, yes,” I said. “His name is Elijah. Eli for short.”
“How old is he?”
I could see Reese putting the pieces together, one-by-one. He was doing the math in his head, trying to find proof that this wasn't his kid.
“Three years old,” I said. Almost four now, but Reese didn't need to know that much.
“And what about medical school?” he asked me quietly.
“It didn't work out,” I said. “Now if you'll excuse me –”
Luke came down the stairs at that point, pulling Reese away. Thankfully so. Eli and I escaped into the kitchen, and I tried to remain calm.
We gathered around the dinner table, Reese sitting next to Luke – which meant he was directly across from me. I refused to look at him, and instead focused my attention on Eli. The meal was fairly uneventful, even though Reese kept staring at me, trying to get me to meet his gaze. I refused to acknowledge him, choosing to keep my head down and eat quietly, not saying much. Speaking only when I was spoken to.
“So what are you doing now, Maya?” Reese asked during a lull in the conversation.
“Well, I'm taking classes again. Planning on becoming a nurse,” I said. “And working as a receptionist part-time.”
“Oh yeah? A nurse, huh?”
“Yep,” I replied. “A nurse.”
It wasn't medical school, but it was close enough. As close as I was going to get anyway. And even that was hard as hell – not that I'd ever admit it to anyone. I was struggling with working, being a single mother and going to school. But I'd made that decision. I'd made that choice. And now, I was living with it.
“I'm looking at going back to school too,” Reese said.
I merely nodded, not wanting to continue the conversation – in fact, hoping that the meal would end and we could all scatter to the winds once more. But my mom, ever the gracious host, was always the talker.
“That sounds wonderful,” she said. “And what are you considering going to school for?”
“Sound engineering, I think.”
“Right on,” Luke said. “I was thinking of doing something like that too.”
Luke was working at a restaurant nearby, waiting tables. I rolled my eyes as he spoke since he'd never mentioned going back to school before. If it wasn't for me wanting to keep to myself, I would have mentioned how that was the first time he'd said anything of the sort. But I just wanted the evening to end, so I kept quiet. It took everything in me to hold my tongue, but I did it.
I tuned out the rest of the conversation, and dinner passed by without Reese speaking to me again. Thankfully. I hoped this would be the last of our interactions. Hoped it would be the last time I saw him ever again, quite honestly. He could leave, we'd go our separate ways and hopefully there'd be no more family dinners with him anytime soon. One could hope, at least. Especially since he wasn't really family. Not to anyone but Eli, but no one even knew about that.
After dinner, I expected Reese and Luke to disappear somewhere. Just like old times. I figured they'd play basketball in the driveway or listen to music in the basement or run off downtown to a party.
I was really hoping for the latter, that they'd go away, but they hung around instead. They went outside, presumably to shoot some hoops like they used to do. Eli fell asleep, so I put him to bed in my old room and went downstairs to help mom clean up from dinner. The dishes were already done, though, and my mom and dad were nowhere to be found. They likely retreated to the den to watch some television before bed like they normally did.
I turned to go back upstairs when the back door opened. My heart skipped a beat when Reese came inside – and Luke wasn't behind him. We were alone. We stared at each other for one long, awkward moment before I turned to leave, but he grabbed my arm.
“Wait, Maya – we need to talk.”
“We do?” I asked, my voice cracking. “What do we need to talk about?”
I tried to pretend I had no idea what was happening, but Reese knew. I could see it in his eyes.
“I'm no fool, Maya. After talking to you and then asking your brother a few questions, I put two and two together – I'm Elijah's father, aren't I?”
My heart dropped into my stomach. Suddenly, I felt like I was going to get sick and my knees turned into jelly. I never imagined that I'd see Reese again, so I hadn't bothered to prepare for the moment. I couldn't lie though – the facts were right there. And if I lied to him or tried to play it off, he could always request a DNA test – he had a right to know, after all.
He had a right to know.
“Yes,” I said quietly. I closed my eyes, trying to stop the tears from falling while avoiding the expression on Reese's face. I didn't want to see it. I was so scared of what he might say or do. “But please know, I don't expect you to be part of his life. We're doing just fine and no one knows you're the father –”
&nbs
p; “What kind of man do you think I am, Maya?” he asked.
He sounded angry, and that caused me to open my eyes and look at him. He was angry, but also sad. There were a lot of emotions on his face, many I couldn't discern.
“I don't know, Reese,” I said. “I don't want to sound mean, but I hardly know you, honestly.”
“I know,” he said with a sigh. He sat down at the kitchen table, wringing his hands as he stared off into space. “It's just... wow. I'm a father. I wasn't expecting this, at all –”
My bottom lip trembled and I started shaking – the sobs came shortly after. I tried so hard to hold it in, but I'd been holding it in for far too long and it all came rushing out at once. I broke down, falling to the floor, pulling my knees to my chest as I just let it all out.
I was so tired of being alone, of doing this all by myself. Of keeping all of this to myself for so long. It was almost a relief, in some ways, to tell Reese the truth. At least now, it was no longer a secret. Not something I had to fear getting out there and getting back to him somehow. Because it was out there now. And now, he knew. What he chose to do now was up to him. I was already used to being a single mother, so if he decided to bail, that wasn't going to be new to me. And there was no way he'd take my son from me, no court in their right mind would give custody to him like that.
Yet, I still cried.
Reese got up from the table and joined me on the floor, pulling my face from my hands, forcing me to look him in the eyes.
“Maya, please, listen to me,” he whispered. “I want to be a part of his life. I want to see my son, to help you raise him. It's gonna take me a minute to figure it all out, but you're no longer alone.”
It was as if he'd read my mind and knew how to speak to my heart. He said the words I so badly needed to hear, but the problem was, I didn't know if I believed him.
“Are you sure? Because I can't have you in his life now, then a year down the road you're gone – off to somewhere new and exciting. I can't have his heart broken like that. I won't.”
Like mine had been, but I didn't say that. No, I didn't need to say that. Couldn't. Because it wasn't about me. It was about Eli now.