by Mia Ford
“Well, what would you prefer I say, Drew?”
I shrugged. “There's really nothing you can say,” I said. “That's not a knock on you, it's just that there's nothing anyone can say to make it better. I watched as my best friend was blown to pieces right in front of me. My uniform was coated in his blood. And the real bitch of it is, that it's all my fault.”
“It's not –”
“Yes, it is. You don't know what you're talking about. You weren't there,” I snapped.
She lowered her eyes and looked abashed. “No, I wasn't there. But from what I know of you –”
I snorted derisively. “No offense, but you don't know anything about me,” I said, my voice rising. “The only thing you really know about me is that I'm really good in the sack.”
Her cheeks colored, but when she raised her eyes and looked straight at me, I could see the defiance in them. I'd crossed a line and had pissed her off. But to her credit, she remained composed and didn't let my outburst rattle her.
“We're getting a little off topic, Drew,” she said. “I know you're angry – and we certainly can talk about the reasons for your anger. I'm sure they're justifiable. But I'm not the enemy here, so let's just take a breath and try to calm down a bit.”
I sighed and slumped back in my seat. She was right. I wasn't pissed at her. She just happened to be there and was an easy target. I felt bad for cracking back on her like I had.
“You okay?” she asked.
I nodded. “Yeah. Sorry.”
“It's okay,” she replied. “Please, go on.”
I cleared my throat and looked up, but still couldn't force myself to meet her eyes. “It is my fault because what everyone seems to forget – what isn't in the official reports – is that I was supposed to run point on that mission. Me. But I sent Mason out ahead of me instead. I hung back a bit and screwed around because I thought it was going to be boring as shit. It was just a standard recon. We hadn't had any enemy contact in a few days and everything was quiet. It was supposed to be mellow. But guess what? He walked right over an IED that I failed to detect because I figured we were safe and didn't have my head on straight. I sent him out there ahead of me and he got blown to shit because of it. Because I didn't do my goddamn job. That should have been me. Not him.”
My heart felt like it was breaking all over again and my eyes welled with tears, but I fought them off. I gritted my teeth and squeezed my eyes shut tight, cursing myself for giving in and crying. Again. And more than that, for crying, right in front of a woman I'd fucked a little more than a week ago. Yeah, I was sure my little display of weakness in her office was getting her all hot and wet for me again.
“Listen, I'm not comfortable –” I said, standing up and heading toward the door. “I have to leave. I can't do this anymore –”
She moved so smoothly and quickly I hadn't even heard her stand up. The next thing I knew though, she was beside me and grabbed my arm. Her grip was tight – she was stronger than she looked.
“You can't keep running away, Drew,” she said. “You have to confront this and do something with it otherwise it's going to keep eating away at your soul. It is going to rot you from the inside out. You're going to change – become a shell of yourself. Is that what you want? Is that what Mason would have wanted for you?
Pulling my arm free, I snapped back, “OH yeah? You're one to talk about running away. You seem really well versed in that,” I roared. “And you don't know shit about Mason, so keep your fuckin' mouth shut about things you don't have the first goddamn clue about.”
She didn't try to stop me again. Instead, she just stared up at me, an expression of hurt upon her face. Her mouth was open as if she wanted to say something. To fight back. I thought she was going to for a moment, but then that moment passed and she didn't say anything. She simply closed her mouth and lowered her eyes once more. With a small sense of triumph – one I knew would fade and leave me feeling like shit later – I walked out the door and slammed it as I left. I strode down the hall, my boot steps echoing off the walls, anger coursing through my veins. I didn't even bother looking back as I walked through the waiting room and out of the building.
I wasn't going back. There was no purpose in it other than to rip the scabs off old wounds rather than letting them heal.
But then, I wasn't sure these were wounds that really would ever heal.
ooo000ooo
That night, I was afraid to fall asleep. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw his face. I saw Mason staring back at me, that goofy ass grin he got whenever we were cutting up – which was most of the time. He got me in a way nobody had ever gotten me before – or ever since.
We were like brothers – and it wasn't just that brotherhood bond that formed during SEAL training or close quarter combat situations. We had a bond that went even deeper than that. He was more than just my best friend and I loved him. Not a day went by that I didn't think about him. That my heart didn't hurt for not having him in my life anymore.
Back in the day, we'd talk about what our lives were going to be like after the service. We made plans to chase chicks together when we were finally home – being a SEAL had some definite perks. We talked about opening a business together – a food truck or some shit like that. We joked about growing old and fat together.
If there was one thing we were serious about though, it was that we were going to be a part of each other's worlds for the rest of our days. It was a bond that was deep and unbreakable. And because of that, a piece of my soul had gone with him when he died.
I lay in bed, the cobwebs of sleep starting to envelop me. As I drifted off, I not only saw Mason, I heard him too. Heard his voice. And he was laughing.
“I think I'm going to ask her to marry me,” he said. “When I get home, that is.”
We were barrelling down a lonely stretch of road in some Afghani shithole town with a few other guys in our unit. It was a small mission – just a quick arrest of a suspected bomber. I recognized the road and the conversation. It was one of the last missions we'd run together before he'd died.
I looked at him sitting in the seat beside me and wanted to tell him not to take point on that upcoming mission. Wanted to tell him to make me do it instead. Even though I was dimly aware that this was just a dream, there was some small part of my mind that hoped I'd somehow travelled in time and could save him. It should have been me – not him – that got hit by that IED.
But I couldn't change anything. I couldn't affect shit. All I could do was sit there and watch the scene play out.
“Fuck, man. That's pretty serious,” I replied. “What made you decide that?”
He looked up at me, and even though he was there with me, in my dream, he really wasn't there. Even at that moment in time, he was thinking about her. He was always thinking about her. I didn't blame him for it. Carrie was great and I thought she was good for him. She kept him up on Cloud Nine, but also firmly rooted to the ground. She was a unique woman and I was happy that they'd found each other.
“I dunno. We were talking last night, and I just realized I can't imagine my life without her,” he said. “Not to sound like a sentimental little bitch, but Carrie is my everything. We've been together since high school. We've gone through so much, and as we talked about the future, I realized maybe this is it. She's my soul mate. She's the one I'm supposed to grow old with.”
I laughed. “You're supposed to grow old with me, fuckface.”
Mason grinned. “I would, but you can't give a blowjob worth a shit.”
We laughed and drew a grin from the guys in the front of the Humvee. That was typical Mason – always quick with the comeback. It's how he'd earned his call sign – Joker. A little cheesy and cliché, but a well-earned nickname.
“You believe in that shit?” I asked him. “About soul mates and shit?”
“Yeah? Maybe? Hell, I don't know,” he said, looking away from me as if he was almost embarrassed that he'd say some new aged, corny and campy shit like t
hat. “I don't know, man. I guess being out here has changed me. Seeing the things, we've seen and doing the things we've done – it's done a number on me. I remember that when I passed through SEAL training, I came out ready to kill and drink the blood of our enemies.”
I laughed. “Yeah, training has a way of doing that,” I said. “They know how to fire you up, but good.”
He nodded. “They do,” he replied. “But I'm not that guy anymore. If anything, being around so much death and destruction has made me realize how precious life is. And how much I actually have to lose. In a weird way, all this killing and death has made me a little more human – it's definitely made me more sentimental and crap.”
“I'd say,” I said, rolling my eyes. “You sound like a fuckin' Hallmark commercial mashed up with a motivational speaker. In other words, you sound like a first-class little bitch.”
“Go fuck yourself,” Mason laughed. “I'm serious though. Everything we've gone through over here has made me really realize how much I love and appreciate Carrie.”
I was giving him a ration of shit, but on the inside, I couldn't have been happier for him. He deserved to be happy. To feel loved and appreciated. Mason was one of the good ones and deserved nothing but the best.
“I know you're serious, brother,” I said. “And I really am happy for you. Carrie's a good girl. You two make a great couple.”
We normally didn't talk about shit like that. We kept it to video games, hot women, sports – you name it. We didn't get sentimental. That wasn't our way and it hurt too damn much. Especially since my girlfriend and I had broken up before I'd shipped out. She was somebody I really cared about, but she wanted someone who was going to be there for her, all the time, at her beck and call. She was upset when I told her that I was leaving and I couldn't be that for her. I had responsibilities and she couldn't understand that.
I'd asked her to wait for me. Told her we'd be able to keep in touch all the time. I promised that when my tour was up, that I'd be there for her twenty-four/seven. I would never leave her side if she didn't want me to. But she wasn't willing to wait for me. Wouldn't even consider it.
To say that it hurt, would be an understatement. I remembered feeling like I'd been kicked in the nuts by a mule.
“You'll find someone someday, Drew,” he said quietly. “No doubt about it. And she'll be somebody worthy of you. Somebody who can put up with your stupid ass.”
“I already have, Mason,” I said. “I've found that woman. And my God, is she fuckin' amazing in the sack.”
“Oh yeah?” Mason raised his eyebrow, curious.
“Yeah. It's your mom. She is an absolute mattress stallion and we couldn't be happier together,” I said, turning the conversation back to the same inane shit we always joked about. “Which means that you're going to need to start calling me Dad.”
Mason shook his head and smiled, “Whatever makes you happy, Drew. Whatever makes you happy,” he said. “Although I know you're full of shit because my mom has a little taste – which automatically rules your tacky ass out.”
I woke up drenched in sweat, Mason's face still emblazoned in my mind. That's the way to remember him, they told me. I remembered him happy. And he was never as happy as he was when he talked about Carrie and the future he planned to have with her. A future that would never materialize now. All thanks to me.
I saw Carrie at his funeral – but she didn't know the full details of what happened. There were elements of our missions we couldn't talk about. And it killed me to know that she didn't have the full story. But then, if I had told her the full story, she'd have killed me herself, I had no doubt. She'd know it was my fault that Mason was dead every bit as much as I did.
During the service, she was overcome by grief and fell to her knees, sobbing as f her entire world had fallen apart. And in a way, it had. All because of me.
All because I sent Mason ahead of me when I was supposed to be the one on point. All because I didn't think to check the area before I'd sent him on ahead.
And Dr. Emerson wanted me to believe it wasn't my fault?
Bullshit.
But as I stared at my ceiling, feeling lost and confused, I yearned to talk to her about everything I was thinking and feeling in that moment. I wasn't sure why, and perhaps my reasons were more personal than for therapeutic, but I just wanted to hear her voice. I wanted to hear what she had to say.
Because I hated living like this. Every single day was hell, and perhaps my Captain and everyone else was right about me needing help. And if anyone could help me, I thought that it would be her. There was something about her was just – special. I couldn't put my finger on it. But she made me feel comfortable. She made me feel like I could open up and that it would be okay. She made me feel like she'd listen to me without judging and that she genuinely had my best interest at hear. She was good at what she did.
And I didn't mean just the sex either.
AMELIA
“Hi Drew, it's Dr. Emerson. Just calling to make sure you're okay after yesterday's session. I'm here all afternoon if you want to talk,” I said.
It was the second time I'd tried calling him, and so far, nothing. I couldn't force him to come in for anymore sessions, but God knew, he needed it. Maybe I was wrong to have kept him on as a patient. Maybe the complexity of his case along with our night together screwed it all up. Had made me lose perspective.
I hung up, feeling bad for how it had all gone down yesterday. I wondered if maybe I'd pushed him too hard. Though, it wasn't like he was the first person to rush out of a session like that, only to come back later and admit they weren't ready. But our situation was unique, and I wasn't sure if I should be doing things differently because of what happened. Or if he really did just need some time. Or hell, maybe I was worried about him. A little too worried, if I were being honest with myself.
For the first time in my professional career, I was feeling uncertain. Unsure of myself. And it was a feeling I didn't like. Not one bit.
Biting my nail, I stared down at my phone, willing it to ring. I gave him my direct office line, so he could call and get me straight away.
I was concentrating on my office phone so intently, that when my cell phone buzzed, it made me nearly jump out of my skin. But like the time it had happened before, I knew it couldn't be Drew.
It was Charlie.
I didn't know what got into me, but I was tired of the bullshit. I answered it, and Charlie sounded surprised.
“Amelia? Is that you?”
“You called my phone. Who else would it be, Charlie,” I sighed. “What do you want?”
“I just want to talk,” he said.
“There's nothing to talk about,” I said, my tone colder than ice. “We're over.”
“I don't believe that, Amelia. We love each other, we had something special –”
“No, we didn't. If that were true, you wouldn't have felt the need to have a woman on the side,” I said, rolling my eyes. “You're a narcissist, Charlie. Considering what I do for a living, I should have seen it from a mile away, but you're good at hiding who you really are. You're really good.”
“Don't analyse me or throw around psychological terms, sweetheart –”
“Don't call me sweetheart, and don't patronize me. I'm not just throwing around terms –”
“Can we please talk in person?”
“No,” I grumbled.
My office phone rang and my heart skipped a bit. It was a local number and I thought it might be Drew.
“Listen, I have to go back to work. Please, stop calling me, Charlie. It's over. Nothing you can say will change that, so goodbye.”
I hung up on Charlie and answered my office phone a little too eagerly.
“Hello, this is Dr. Emerson speaking,” I said.
“Oh, I'm sorry, I must have the wrong number,” an older woman's voice said on the other end of the phone.
Damn.
ooo000ooo
I waited all day, checking my voi
cemail between each patient – and nothing. No call from Drew. If I didn't hear back from him soon, I'd have to report that he was no longer in my care. I hated doing that and didn't want to, since it could mean he'd have trouble getting the help he needed. But filing accurate records and status reports were a part of my job and something I couldn't escape – even if I wanted to.
If he didn't call, what else could I do?
I walked out of the office at the end of the day, pulling my coat around me a little tighter as a cool wind picked up, and walked toward my BART stop. I was lost in thought and on auto-pilot for most of my walk, but as I neared the platform, I saw a familiar face. And it sent a bolt of adrenaline through me and got my heart racing.
“Crap,” I said, turning around and walking back toward the office.
But it was too late, he'd already seen me. And I heard his footsteps slapping against the pavement as he hurried to catch up.
“Amelia, wait!”
“No, Charlie, leave me alone,” I called over my shoulder as I continued walking quickly.
He could walk much faster than I could, however, and it wasn't long before he caught up to me. He reached out and grabbed my arm, turning me toward him. I pulled away from him, but he held on tight, refusing to let me go. I struggled, but couldn't loosen his grip on my arm.
It was the look in his eyes that scared me the most. They just seemed – crazed. There was a look on his face that I found frightening. It was as if I was staring into the face of a man who felt he had nothing left to lose and was going to take me down with him. It was the face I imagined was on many of the men who committed murder-suicides – a thought that chilled me to the very core.
“Listen, Amelia,” he said, his voice stern, but desperate, “you wouldn't meet with me when all I wanted to do was talk. What choice did you leave me? I needed to talk to you and you need to listen to me.”
“I don't need to do anything, Charlie,” I spat. “I don't owe you shit. You're the one who was fucking somebody else. Not me. So, get your goddamn hand off of me right this minute!”