by Mandy Baggot
‘That’s right,’ Robyn admitted.
‘That doesn’t sound right at all.’
‘He’s my boss—at the garage. He likes me and, well, he looks after me,’ Robyn stated.
‘Jeez, Robyn! He pays you for sex? Man!’
‘Don’t say that. He doesn’t do that.’
‘Well, that’s what it sounds like to me.’
‘I don’t want to have this conversation. It’s none of your business. Perhaps this house sharing wasn’t such a good idea if it means we have to tell each other everything.’
‘So you like this “having sex for money” arrangement, do you?’ Cole questioned.
He looked angry. His eyes bored into her. They didn’t look so attractive now, they looked accusing. Robyn swallowed and looked down at her plate.
‘Listen, sometimes people have to do things to get on in life. I needed Clive to get on in life,’ she tried to explain.
How did she explain what she’d done for the last nine years? It wasn’t normal, she knew that. It wasn’t how ordinary people led their lives, but that was all she knew, and it was better than the loneliness and the complete emotional isolation.
‘And now? Do you still need him to get on in life?’
‘He’s paid for all the improvements to the roadhouse. What do you think?’
She raised her eyes to meet his, and he shook his head in disgust. Suddenly she felt very small and very sad. She put down her roll and pulled self-consciously at her hair.
‘You’re judging me, and that’s not fair because you don’t know the whole story.’
‘So tell me the whole story,’ Cole said, his tone calmer.
‘You wouldn’t understand,’ Robyn answered, her voice wobbling.
How could he understand? She didn’t even understand.
‘Try me,’ he urged.
She shook her head and pulled her stomach in, trying to suppress the ball of emotion inside. How could she tell Cole she had been sleeping with her boss for as long as she could remember? She hated it, yet she needed it. And he did pay her. Okay, he didn’t leave a pile of cash on the bedside table, but he may as well have. He had bought her the flat, he paid all her bills and she earned far more than any office manager for a garage should earn. But suddenly, now that she was home in Portage, she couldn’t even bring herself to call him. She didn’t want to be that person any more, and she didn’t want Cole to know that Robyn. Back here, she wanted things to be different. Or more accurately, she wanted things to be the same.
‘You know too much about me already, now you think I’m a prostitute. Leave it at that and eat your roll,’ she ordered him.
‘Robyn, if you need this guy to be financially secure, I can help you out. Don’t go back there, cut him loose,’ Cole told her seriously.
‘So you can pay my way for me? No.’
‘I wouldn’t ask you to sleep with me,’ Cole said firmly.
Robyn ignored the comment and took her wallet from her back pocket. She got out a wad of bills and held them out to him.
‘For Leonora, like I promised,’ she said.
‘Is this his money?’ Cole inquired, looking at the money as if it was dirty.
Robyn shrugged.
‘I don’t want it,’ Cole told her.
He picked up a roll from the tray and turned away from her.
*
He knocked another clipboard of papers on the floor. That was the second one of the afternoon. He couldn’t concentrate. He kept thinking about Robyn and some middle-aged garage owner, in bed together. The visual made him feel sick. He thought he knew her, but now—why would she do that? She was so beautiful, so smart and funny. Why would she want to give all that to some guy she admitted to not caring about?
‘Cole, do you have the info on the Barracol trial?’ Maggie called.
Maybe he had some hold over her. But what? She hadn’t seemed as afraid to talk about him as she had when she’d spoken about Jason and the rape. There had to be something, though. People just didn’t do that sort of thing if they had a choice. But then, who was he to talk about choices? He’d almost thrown his whole life down the drain. He wasn’t saintly enough to talk about rights and wrongs.
‘Cole, sorry to interrupt but…’
‘Do you want a coffee, Maggie? I could really do with a coffee,’ Cole announced, raising his head to look at her.
‘Sure, I’ll go and get it,’ she offered.
‘No, it’s okay. I’ll go.’
He needed the walk.
Eighteen
‘So, this is nice, isn’t it?’ Pam remarked that evening.
Cole and Robyn were barely speaking after their lunch at the roadhouse, and now they were sat opposite the Omen twins, trying to eat their way through two tons of chicken and rice.
‘It’s lovely food, ma’am,’ Cole said, forking some more in his mouth.
‘Cole, please call me Pam. Can’t remember the last time anyone called me ma’am, can you, Bob?’ Pam asked her husband.
‘Nope,’ Bob replied, drinking from his bottle of beer.
‘Are you her new boyfriend?’ Sienna asked, giggling into her glass of water.
‘No,’ Cole replied sharply.
‘They’re just friends, honey,’ Pam added quickly.
‘Why aren’t you her boyfriend? You’re a boy, aren’t you?’ Sierra continued.
‘Last time I checked,’ Cole remarked.
‘He’s not my type,’ Robyn answered bluntly.
‘Robyn actually already has a boyfriend,’ Cole snapped back.
‘Oh, honey, do you? What, in England? You never said. What’s his name? What does he do? How long have you been together?’ Pam gabbled, putting her knife and fork down and giving her niece her full attention.
‘Ages. He owns a chain of garages. He’s very successful and rich. His name’s Clive,’ Robyn said quickly.
Cole let out a snort of annoyance.
‘Ignore him,’ Robyn ordered.
‘He’s married,’ Cole informed the table.
‘What?’ Pam exclaimed in horror.
‘I never told you he was married,’ Robyn said.
‘But he is, right?’ Cole continued, looking at her defiantly.
‘Oh, Robyn, that isn’t right at all. I mean, what are you thinking? Does he have children? What about his poor wife?’ Pam began.
‘I don’t know why we’re even having this conversation, especially in front of the children,’ Robyn said, indicating to Sienna and Sierra who were both looking at Robyn with wide eyes.
‘How old is he? Fifty? Fifty-five?’ Cole carried on.
‘Robyn, he isn’t that old, is he?! Honey, this isn’t right. It isn’t right, Bob, is it? Tell her,’ Pam urged, her mouth opening in horror.
‘It isn’t right, Robyn. There, I said it. Now I think we oughta change the subject and carry on eating this delicious meal,’ Bob suggested to everyone.
‘Rhett, at school, his mom had an affair with the mailman. He was married, too. His mom had to move to Nevada, but Rhett and his dad kept the dog,’ Sierra informed the group.
‘Well, Cole’s ex-girlfriend is having his brother’s baby,’ Robyn announced loudly.
Cole put down his silverware and sent a glare across the table to Robyn.
‘Oh my!’ Pam said, dropping her fork with a clatter.
‘This is like an episode of Jerry Springer!’ Sienna said delightedly, clapping her hands together.
‘That was unnecessary,’ Cole said to Robyn, wiping his mouth with his napkin.
‘And your comments weren’t?’ Robyn retaliated.
‘Listen, I think you two oughta take this outside, don’t you?’ Bob suggested firmly.
‘We’re fine,’ Robyn snapped.
‘Outside, both of you. Sort yourselves out, then come back and get along,’ Bob ordered them.
Robyn rose from her chair and stormed toward the door. She pulled it open and stepped out onto the deck.
*
‘Why did you say that stuff in front of Pam and Bob?’ Robyn questioned, squaring up to Cole as soon as he joined her in the backyard.
‘Why did you tell them about Veronica?’
‘I asked first.’
‘I don’t like your arrangement with your married boss.’
‘I don’t like you not tightening the lid on the milk.’
‘That’s a pathetic comeback.’
‘I don’t want to sleep with my boss!’
‘Then why do it? For the money?’
‘It isn’t about the money.’
‘Then what is it about?’
‘It’s none of your business.’
‘I’m making it my business.’
‘How macho. You want some dumbbells?’
‘Not really.’
‘I told you about Jason, I told you everything. After it happened, I couldn’t move on, you know, with a guy. I still can’t. Not in the normal sense. I told you that. I don’t date, I don’t do anything like that, I can’t.’
‘I don’t get it.’
‘Jeez, Cole do I have to spell it out for you? I couldn’t get close to anyone. I wanted a new memory, something to wipe out the bad one, but I couldn’t do it. Clive was nice to me; he seemed to genuinely care about me.’
‘Yeah, well there’s only one problem with that… you kissed me just after we met,’ Cole reminded her.
‘I know,’ Robyn answered, swallowing.
‘So what’s that about?’
‘I don’t know.’
Cole let out an exasperated sigh and put his hands to his head. He looked at her, his eyes wide and full of concern.
‘If you don’t feel anything for him, how can it be right?’ he asked.
‘I sleep with him to forget the rape, to push it away. It’s not romantic, it’s not good, but it’s better than not being able to even go through the motions. And that’s all I can do with him, it’s just mechanical—I don’t feel it. But, it’s one step up from nothing,’ Robyn tried to explain.
Tears welled up in her eyes and she fought to control the urge to sob. She hated the way he made her feel vulnerable. There was something about him that made her want to let it all go.
He took hold of her hand and squeezed it tight. It felt so good, the reassurance, the genuine affection without an ulterior motive. She wasn’t used to it. She didn’t know how to deal with it.
‘I know I’m damaged, Cole, but you can’t fix me. And I don’t want you to try,’ Robyn interrupted quickly.
‘That isn’t your decision to make,’ Cole answered, looking at her.
She swallowed, looking into his ebony-colored eyes.
She felt his body move, just slightly, and it unnerved her. She dropped his hand like it was a scorching hot cup of tea.
‘So, how about you apologize for telling my family I sleep with a married man and I’ll apologize for telling them about your incestuous family issues. Sorry,’ Robyn spoke quickly.
‘I’m sorry, too,’ Cole added.
‘Great, so let’s go and see if we can kick the twins’ shins without them telling on us,’ Robyn suggested as she opened the door.
‘Robyn…’ Cole started.
‘I’ll give you first shot at Sienna,’ she replied.
The conversation was finished.
*
‘So, is he gonna leave his wife?’ Sienna asked as Cole poured Robyn some more water.
‘Sienna, we are changing the conversation. Now, tell me about this go-karting night. Is the whole team going?’ Pam asked, smiling at Cole.
‘I only asked if he was gonna leave his wife. Rhett said that his mom went with the mailman because he was better in bed and he had a pool in his yard,’ Sienna continued.
‘Well, for the record, he won’t be leaving his wife, and I’m going to be here for a good few weeks yet. He’ll probably find someone else to sleep with,’ Robyn said matter-of-factly.
‘So, the go-karting,’ Pam said again.
‘Yes, go-karting. I’m really looking forward to it, aren’t you, Bob?’ Robyn asked, grinning at her uncle.
‘Yepper.’
‘Is the married guy really fifty-five? Because that’s gross,’ Sienna piped up.
‘Sienna. We’re not talking about the married guy any more,’ Bob ordered his daughter.
‘Does he have really gray hair?’ Sierra added.
‘Yeah and false teeth and sometimes he has to use a walking stick,’ Robyn said as she kicked her cousin hard on the leg.
‘Ow! Mommy!’
‘Brad came to dinner last night,’ Robyn said, changing the subject.
‘He came to our school last week and let me wear his hat,’ Sienna announced.
‘Yes, he goes to a lot of the local schools and talks to them about stranger danger and road safety,’ Pam informed them.
‘He didn’t tell us that! Wait ‘til I tease him about that one! Stranger danger!’ Robyn said, laughing.
‘Teaching the children is very admirable,’ Pam insisted.
‘Yeah, but it isn’t exactly catching the bad guys and throwing them in the lock-up, is it?’ Robyn answered.
‘She’s been watching too much CSI, you’ll have to excuse her,’ Cole said.
‘He uses hair products, did you know that?’ Robyn informed the table.
‘She eats with her fingers and has an obsession with tightening the lid on the milk,’ Cole retorted.
‘Will you two stop sparring with each other? You sound like a married couple,’ Bob remarked.
‘She doesn’t believe in marriage. She didn’t even have a scrapbook,’ Cole said.
‘He did, but he won’t admit it,’ Robyn replied.
‘Is your girlfriend really having your brother’s baby?’ Sierra inquired, batting her eyelids innocently.
Nineteen
The pink neon sign of Taboo throbbed in front of them. Mickey and the rest of the team had been at another bar before arriving at the club, and they were already well lubricated.
‘Now, listen up. Bob has the kitty—strictly beer, no ridiculously, expensive, potent cocktails, no shots, and absolutely no tequila. I want you all to enjoy yourselves, but we do have an important game tomorrow, so let’s remember that,’ Robyn said.
Henrik repositioned a bright yellow cowboy hat on his head and loosely strung a red feather boa around Mickey’s neck. Robyn had no idea where he had got them from.
‘What about the kitty for the girls? You get special treatment if you throw money at them,’ Art piped up.
‘If you want to throw money at them, Art, you knock yourself out, but you won’t be throwing my money at them,’ Robyn informed him.
‘Let’s get in there, boys!’ Wes shouted, pumping his fist in the air.
‘Yeah, let us go. I cannot wait to see American girls do jiggy jiggy,’ Henrik said, swaying his hips.
‘OK, let’s go. Bob, get the beers,’ Robyn ordered, leading the way through the doors.
‘No Grant tonight?’ Cole remarked to Brad as they entered the club.
‘No, he had to work. Plus, I think he finds it difficult being around Robyn, you know,’ Brad replied.
‘So he should after what his son did,’ Cole said firmly.
‘Yeah, well, it wasn’t his fault.’
‘He might have taught his son right from wrong,’ Cole suggested.
‘We all make mistakes, though, huh? Come on, let’s get a drink,’ Brad urged, patting Cole on the back.
*
Taboo had been modernized since Robyn had last been in it. She and Sarah had sneaked in via the back entrance once and dressed up in some of the dancers’ outfits. It had been fun until the owner had turned up and offered them jobs. That had been scary. Then, the club had been a seedy, run-down place for sleaze. Now it was a funky, chrome and neon entertainment center with almost as many female customers as men.
‘Brad, give Bob a hand with the pitchers,’ Robyn said as she pulled up a seat.
‘Look at girl w
ith legs up over head. How she do that?’ Henrik wanted to know, sitting down and craning his neck to see.
‘Where did you tell Sarah you were going tonight?’ Wes asked Mickey.
‘Go-karting,’ he replied.
‘That’s so funny! That’s what we said!’ Robyn remarked, taking another handful of nuts as a blonde-haired dancer came close to the edge of the stage.
‘Couldn’t exactly tell her the truth, could I? She’s been in a weird mood all day, anyway. Started throwing out a load of women’s magazines and brochures, crying and sniffing. I asked her what was wrong but she wouldn’t answer me,’ Mickey continued.
Robyn swallowed and took some more nuts. She knew she was responsible for that. She shouldn’t have said those things about marriage to Sarah. It had been cruel and unnecessary. She’d been upset and thinking of herself, and she had upset her best friend. She would call her. She would try and make things right. She didn’t want to be responsible for a relationship breakdown.
‘Oh, I wouldn’t worry about it, that’s what women do, isn’t it? Cry and moan and make our lives that much harder,’ Wes commented over the music.
‘You single, Wes?’ Robyn questioned, looking at him.
‘Currently.’
‘I’m shocked.’
‘Whoa, boss is getting testy, look out,’ Jon called as Bob and Brad arrived with the pitchers of beer.
‘It’s foreplay, obviously. She can’t keep her eyes off me,’ Wes replied, standing up and making a grab for the beer.
‘Dream on! And I’ll have pick of the first pitcher. Bob, man, what are these glasses for? We don’t need glasses, get some straws,’ Robyn said, and she proceeded to drink the beer from the pitcher.
‘She is crazy, yes?’ Henrik said, watching in astonishment as Robyn downed half the pitcher in one go.
‘Yeah, that’s Robyn,’ Brad remarked, watching her.
‘I want this girl; excuse me, what is name?’ Henrik shouted to a dancer with long, red hair.
‘Henrik, they don’t talk to you, they just dance for you. Stick ten bucks in her panties,’ Wade told him.
‘Ten bucks?’ Henrik said, looking at his team mates quizzically.
‘A ten-dollar bill, here, give it to me,’ Mickey ordered, snapping his fingers at him.