Luke James has my heart in a vice. Only he can twist it hard, or loosen it to beat only for him. He is my optimal, my reason, the one man I’ll need for all my life.
We make love for a while before we decide it’s time to eat. Luke’s outside somewhere, making havoc probably, and I search the tatty, shabby, cupboards. I’m excited what this adventure could have in store for me. I’m forever in Luke’s debt for making my Christmas Day perfect. I should really be mourning my best friend, but I feel she would only want me to be happy today.
And I do, Jade. I do.
I find a box of mac ‘n’ cheese and start preparing it. Classy Christmas dinner or what? I smile and decide I wouldn’t want it any other way. I cook it on the stove, stirring in the macaroni when needed, and a smell of childhood starts to float through the air. I pick up my iPhone and notice another message.
I’ll find you.
That’s all it says. I find the little trashcan and press it, deleting the message and deleting my memory of it. I should’ve just called the number. I press and hold the button on the top of the phone, switching it off. I put it on the counter next to me and stare at the blank black screen. I stir the wooden spoon in the saucepan, and I suddenly feel unsafe. I feel completely trapped. I put my hand on my chest, breathing in deeply.
In through the nose.
Out through the mouth.
In through the nose.
Out through the mouth.
I’m stronger than anxiety. I am powerful. I close my eyes and picture my last two hours; Luke kissing my neck, teasing my skin with his tongue. When I reopen my eyes I see Nathan. I quickly shut them again and reopen, and he’s gone.
It’s just the guilt.
It’s just the guilt.
I dish out the mac and cheese, throwing the dirty saucepan in the sink, and take both bowls into the sitting room. There are only two wooden boxes for us to sit on. I put Luke’s bowl on his box and walk over to the long bay window that looks over a lake at the back of the house. The sun is setting and looks so beautiful in this moment. Warm arms circle my waist and I moan into the feel of his body. Into the pure feeling of bliss. His fingers move under my sweater, making me gasp.
“No!” I yell, and put my bowl on the window ledge. “Your hands are freaking freezing!” I back away and he laughs.
“Aw, baby, are you scared of the cold?” He moves toward me and I move back, desperate to get away from him.
“I just got warm.”
He leaps for me but I run out of the room and away from him. I make it to the staircase before he practically tackles me to the floor and his hands hide under my sweater. When I’m trapped under him, he groans at the heat of my skin.
“I hate you,” I say, my voice taut. He runs his nose down mine, and I turn my head so that he gets my cheek before his lips meet mine.
“Don’t do that,” he says flatly. “Don’t defy me.” His voice becomes husky. “Let me kiss those lips. I need just to breathe this goddamn air.” I slowly turn my head back toward him and let his lips kiss mine, tasting me. He leaves me breathless and stands up. He holds his hand out for me and pulls me up from the floor.
I could get used to every moment with him. His arms wrap around me and his fingers slip between mine. I love being in his arms.
He’s vibrating.
How is he doing that?
He breaks off our contact as he answers his cell and walks away from me.
Uh. Okay?
I guess that was important, right?
I climb the staircase, the beautiful wooden bannister soft and smooth under my fingertips. I pull off my shoes and head to the bathroom. The bathtub is old, deep, like a classic Victorian bath. I turn on the hot tap and water gushes out, filling the room with steam. I let the bath fill up and sit on the window ledge in the bathroom. This house is filled with beautiful features. I pick up a bottle of gold bath bubbles from the floor and look at it curiously. Why is this here? Was this one of his plans? I pour a little too much under the running water and watch my bath turn to foam. I lift my shirt over my head and take off my jeans. I step into the hot water, regardless of the searing heat on my skin. The feeling instantly swallows my stresses whole as I sink my aching, tired body into the water. I think of my little baby. My little currently still-looking-like-a-pea baby. It’s a part of me, a part of Luke. Together, in one human being.
“I miss you too.” The echoes of those words float through the air and into my personal space. I groan and slip beneath the bubbles. I sometimes wish I could breathe underwater, so I could swim endless ocean and nobody could ever find me.
“Ellie?” Luke’s voice comes through the porcelain, mumbled. He says my name over and over again before I slip back up to the surface and give my lungs some well-deserved air. “There you are.” He sits on the side of the bathtub.
I run my hands backwards across my wet hair, removing any bubbles. Staring at him is hard.
So. Damn. Hard.
His eyes pierce through my thoughts, taking those bad feelings and ripping them apart. He gives me a soft smile from the side of his mouth, and I groan and slip back under the water. I can hear music through the water and slide back up, wondering what he’s up to. He walks into the bathroom and my jaw drops in disbelief. I start to laugh, and lean up on my arms so that I’m resting over the side of the bath. Luke is dancing around with a large boom box on his shoulders, singing along to U2’s With or Without You.
“No way,” I say when he puts his hand out in front of me. “No.”
Luke places the music player on the floor. He grabs me and I can really feel his strength as he lifts my dead weight body from the bath. “What’re you doing?” I scream, but he completely disregards my pleas.
“Arms up,” he demands.
I lift my arms and he walks toward me with a white warm fluffy towel. He wraps it around me and lifts me into his arms. He walks down the landing with me in his arms and I smile. He places me on my feet in the bedroom, wraps a robe around me, and ties it at the waist. His fingers slip through mine and he walks me back into the bathroom. His arms wrap around my waist and he puts mine behind his neck. I weave my fingers together and stare up at his face. His face lowers and he kisses my lips gently, the feeling causing butterflies to erupt from their volcano in my stomach.
“Like Ross and Rachel,” he whispers into my hair. “Destined to be together, but wasting years that never needed to be wasted. I can’t live with or without you.” He holds me tighter.
I close my eyes and slow dance on the old wooden floor with warm arms guiding me, reminding me where I belong.
****
“Come on. We’re going out.” Luke grabs my hand and pulls me away from the sofa.
“Why? I don’t want to.” I pout, pulling back on his hand, and falling back onto the soft pillow below. “I want to spend all day with you, remembering how much I love you. And you’re going to massage my feet and tell me how much I make your life as beautiful as the setting sun. Then you’ll make me your famous dinner.” I laugh, and he tucks a loose lock of long, dark hair behind my ear.
He shakes his head and bends to look straight in my eyes, catching all our moments and reliving them in my blue orbs. “Or.” He laughs. “I could take you out, and you…well… shut up?”
I punch his shoulder, only lightly, and he catches my hand before I can retract it. He crawls on top of me and lays me back on the couch. His nose strokes down my cheek and kisses me under my ear.
“I could never get enough of you, my perfect, lovely woman.”
****
We’re driving away from Charlotte and out to somewhere I’ve never explored. I hold onto Luke’s hand as he drives us easily, avoiding all the traffic. I could never imagine a more perfect moment than this, right now. After all we’ve been through we are finally in some kind of perfect storm, crashing into each other like stallions, and merging together like white horses. He’s falling for the me I wanted him to fall for, for the me I lost so long ago.
I’m free from the pain of my past and I’ve never felt more like me. I unwrap Luke and I a stick of gum each, and put mine on my tongue. The mint seeps into my taste buds, freshening my mouth.
“Hey,” I say, and he turns his head towards me briefly. “Open your mouth.”
He obliges and I lightly place the gum on his tongue. He grabs my hand and pulls my finger into his mouth, instantly charging the air in the car. I feel the slick feel of his tongue all the way through my body, livening it up, heating my blood. He lets go of my finger with a small pop, and I groan inwardly at how cruel he’s being.
“Tease,” I moan, and he weaves our fingers and kisses the back of my hand.
“We’re nearly there,” he says. His voice is serious sex on a plate. Just hand me the knife and fork.
As we pull into a parking lot, I notice ROLLER DISCO in large letters across the side of a warehouse.
“Hell to the no!” I say, far too high-pitched, and Luke lets out a deep belly laugh.
“Hell to the yes, baby. Come have fun with me.” He beams. “Let me sweep you off your feet, quite literally.” He steps out of the car and I follow him.
We walk into a foyer that’s filled with bright colors and lights. Luke greets the receptionist and she asks for our shoe size and payment. He gives her both of our sizes and hands her some dollar bills. I frown at him. I don’t understand how he knows my size.
His index finger makes a light touch to my forehead, tracing over my creases.
“Such a cute frustration frown.” He leans closer into me, away from prying ears. “All of these faces are only wanted in one place. I’m pretty sure you know where. Oh, and I know you left your panties at home. Such a fucking tease.” His fingers skim down my back and he grabs my butt. Like, grabs it so hard he lifts me slightly. I smile to myself, and the now embarrassed receptionist gives us our roller skates.
I pull my skates on with ease, but Luke finds it much harder. I help him strap them up when he looks at them, confused. For a man of brilliance, he definitely can’t fasten a pair of skates. We walk like penguins onto the rink, and when I step onto the slippery wood flooring, I immediately regret it as I fall flat on my ass.
“No fair!” I say as Luke laughs at me. His hands are on his stomach and I swear he’s crying with laughter. “Help me the fuck up or so help me God, I’ll kill you, Luke James.” I’m being a spoilt brat, but that hurt and he’s just laughing at me. I hold my hand out to him and he grabs it, pulling me tight into his arms. His hot mouth is on mine, kissing it with such wanted force. His tongue dives in, dueling with mine, and my skin breaks out in goose bumps.
“Wow,” I whisper when he pulls away.
His hand cups my jaw gently. “Every day. I want that every day.” His voice is thick, filled with emotion. The music changes to a deep house beat, and Luke lets go of me and skates away. He turns around fluently and shouts, “First one around the rink wins.” He winks at me and skates off as if it comes naturally to him.
“What do we win?” I shout back, but he’s gone into the abyss of other bodies. “Jerk.” The spoilt bitch comes out to play again.
Okay, this can’t be that hard. Can it? I skate with my right foot and then my left, picking up speed. Instead of turning the first corner, I crash straight into the bollards. Fucking A, Ella. I still can’t spot Luke, even after my crash, but I carry on skating around. I bump into a lady and apologize. She gives me a gentle smile and skates off. I’ve skated around about three or four times and I’m fucking tired. This is definitely a good way to keep fit. I stop for a second at the entrance gate, and warm arms circle my waist from behind.
Soft lips kiss my neck. “Did you miss me?” His voice sends signals to my lady parts and I can’t do anything about it.
I turn and smile at him. “I did. I thought we were in a race?”
“We are.” He kisses my neck again. “I thought I’d let you have some practice. Come on.” His fingers entwine with mine and he pulls me back onto the rink. We skate around together for a little while before he skates off on his own. I open up my arms and drop them to my sides in protest, demanding a reason why he’s gone again. He turns his head and gives me a smile and a wink. I smirk at him and start to pick up my pace again. I watch him skate easily around the rink, and I notice the lady attention he gets. His body is ripped, his muscles hard. He must find this as easy as walking. His jeans move easily with his body, defining every line. I spend too long watching him because I’m on my ass again.
Someone helps me up, but I leave the rink with a sorely bruised ego and a beaten race. I sit at a plastic picnic table and fiddle with a sugar packet. I fade in to memories of Jade and how she tried so hard to get me to come to one of these places. I always refused because I was scared of being watched. I was scared of being judged. Now, it’s pointless to think that way. To believe I felt like that. I split the sugar packet in half, and sugar crystals fall on the table, dirtying it. I draw a little love heart into the crystals and smile knowing how much love I feel right now. No matter what, I want this happiness that’s stolen my soul to stay with me forever. I want it to save me at any given point or time, reminding me that sometimes love is the key to all happiness. I look back over to the bodies gliding effortlessly on the rink before I spot a couple. The guy is holding her into the side of him, helping her skate around. She almost looks as pathetic as I did.
“Is this a table for the lonely-because-girlfriend-can’t-skate?” I look up at Luke, a glisten of sweat across his brow. “Because I’d love to take a seat.”
I gesture to the seat opposite and he takes it. “But I don’t have a girlfriend. So maybe you should find another table.”
He smiles at me and grabs my hand. “Hey.” His thumb strokes the back of my hand. “Are you okay?”
His eyes bore into mine and I sigh with contentment. “I’m more than okay, Luke. I’m happy.”
“I made you happy?”
“You always make me happy.” I smirk and look down at the table. “You’re stuck with me now. Hope you realize that.”
“Good.” He lets go of my hand. “Because the second part of our date is waiting.” He stands and holds his hand out to me. We waddle across the spongy flooring and he stops at a door. He takes off his skates, hands them to me, and lifts me into his arms. My arms immediately wrap around his neck for safety and he carries me through the door and into a room. He walks with me for a while before placing me on a seat. He unstraps my skates and pulls me to my feet. We’re in a large room with laminate flooring. I run outward and skid on my socks, laughing as I go. Luke follows and pulls me into his arms. The back of his fingers glide down my cheek and all around us becomes serious. His lips touch mine slightly, marking them with finesse. He pulls me into a hug and all bad thoughts erase. They erase into the darkness of my mind, being locked away in my own personal safe. Soft music starts to play around us and he pulls me back slightly.
“Dance with me,” he whispers into my hair, and pulls back to kiss my forehead.
I laugh. “This is so much more romantic than a parking lot,” I tease, and he smiles.
“Those memories are the perfect definition of us. I wouldn’t take a single one back. Well, maybe the crazy bitches kidnapping you part, and when I broke up with you. But apart from that, every moment has been perfect. Even when you slapped me. Every moment, Ellie.” His lips press against mine again and we deepen it. He pulls away and rests his head against the side of mine as we dance slowly. The song is soft and perfect, and we match the beat. The song is interrupted by a fun song, and he lets me go.
“What the hell?” he moans, but I laugh at him.
I know the song so I start to sing to him. I run backwards and he runs forwards, chasing me. He grabs me from behind, but I wrestle free and run away in the opposite direction. He’s so fast. I hide in the sidelines briefly whilst his back is turned then I run and jump on his back and he catches me effortlessly. He spins with me on his back and I keep hold until I can’t anymore.
“Stop, Luke! I’m gonna be sick!”
He laughs at me and places me back on my feet. He grabs my hands and starts to wiggle his hips. I bawl with laughter at how stupid he looks. I join in and we both mouth the lyrics to the song. He twists and turns me in his arms, making me feel all those stupid, lovey feelings. We skate on our socks, racing each other, and I fall over with laughter when he falls flat on his ass. He retaliates by giving me a fireman’s lift and spinning me around. After all my hurt, happiness seems to replacing my pain.
CHAPTER TWELVE
This day has been approaching fast. I’ve been trying to avoid the eulogy I have to make, trying to avoid the pain I feel.
My whole personal being is being pulled in a million different directions, desperate to leave this room, these four walls of perfect, warm, memories. Now they’re just a cold reminder of the life I used to live. The life I tried so desperately to escape. I stand from my bed, pull on my black suit jacket, and walk over to my bedroom door. I slowly raise my fingers to the cold doorknob and twist it gently. Briefly closing my eyes, I reopen them with strength, with courage, and with knowledge of giving my best friend the send off she deserves.
****
The church is filled with faces from my past, their eyes staring into me, wondering, remembering. I take my seat at the front next to Luke, and grab his hand as if it’s my safety net. My best friend lost her life to the hands of a murderer. Now, I have to say goodbye. I relish in the warmth between Luke’s hand and mine, loving the strength he’s giving me. Soft, sad organ music is playing in the background, tugging on my emotions, making me remember the days we spent together. The church is cold, my breath and everyone else’s visible in the air. I feel a presence move past me, but I try so hard to focus on what’s in front of me. I know they’re carrying Jade’s body in. In that… that box. The box we spend the rest of eternity in. I turn briefly, but warm fingers settle under my chin and turn my head gently back to face the front.
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