On the whole, people really liked my guitar-playing, and a lot of them said my vocals would come in handy for harmonies. But it quickly emerged there were two factors going against me. The first was that I didn’t have equipment. A lot of bands were wanting someone with electric guitar, amps, speakers, preferably transport, ready to slot right into their gigging schedule. I was on foot with a fairly crappy acoustic. So no matter how much they liked my rhythm work or my voice, they’d no choice but to turn me away. This was fair enough.
Much harder to accept was the other main obstacle-and I have to say, I was completely surprised by this one. There was actually a problem about me writing my own songs. I couldn’t believe it. There I’d be, in some dingy apartment, playing to a circle of blank faces, then at the end, after a silence that could go on for fifteen, thirty seconds, one of them would ask suspiciously: “So whose number was that?” And when I said it was one of my own, you’d see the shutters coming down. There’d be little shrugs, shakes of the head, sly smiles exchanged, then they’d be giving me their rejection patter.
The umpteenth time this happened, I got so exasperated, I said: “Look, I don’t get this. Are you wanting to be a covers band for ever? And even if that’s what you want to be, where do you think those songs come from in the first place? Yeah, that’s right. Someone writes them!”
But the guy I was talking to stared at me vacantly, then said: “No offence, mate. It’s just that there are so many wankers going around writing songs.”
The stupidity of this position, which seemed to extend right across the London scene, was key to persuading me there was something if not utterly rotten, then at least extremely shallow and inauthentic about what was going down here, right at the grass-roots level, and that this was undoubtedly a reflection of what was happening in the music industry all the way up the ladder.
It was this realisation, and the fact that as the summer came closer I was running out of floors to sleep on, that made me feel for all the fascination of London-my university days looked grey by comparison-it would be good to take a break from the city. So I called up my sister, Maggie, who runs a cafe with her husband up in the Malvern Hills, and that’s how it came to be decided I’d spend the summer with them.
MAGGIE’S FOUR YEARS OLDER and is always worrying about me, so I knew she’d be all for my coming up. In fact, I could tell she was glad to be getting the extra help. When I say her cafe is in the Malvern Hills, I don’t mean it’s in Great Malvern or down on the A road, but literally up there in the hills. It’s an old Victorian house standing by itself facing the west side, so when the weather’s nice, you can have your tea and cake out on the cafe terrace with a sweeping view over Herefordshire. Maggie and Geoff have to close the place in the winter, but in the summer it’s always busy, mainly with the locals-who park their cars in the West of England car park a hundred yards below and come panting up the path in sandals and floral dresses-or else the walking brigade with their maps and serious gear.
Maggie said she and Geoff couldn’t afford to pay me, which suited me just fine because it meant I couldn’t be expected to work too hard for them. All the same, since I was getting bed and board, the understanding seemed to be that I’d be a third member of staff. It was all a bit unclear, and at the start, Geoff, in particular, seemed torn between giving me a kick up the arse for not doing enough, and apologising for asking me to do anything at all, like I was a guest. But things soon settled down to a pattern. The work was easy enough-I was especially good at making sandwiches-and I sometimes had to keep reminding myself of my main objective in coming out to the country in the first place: that’s to say, I was going to write a brand-new batch of songs ready for my return to London in the autumn.
I’m naturally an early riser, but I quickly discovered that breakfast at the cafe was a nightmare, with customers wanting eggs done this way, toast like that, everything getting overcooked. So I made a point of never appearing until around eleven. While all the clatter was going on downstairs, I’d open the big bay window in my room, sit on the broad window sill and play my guitar looking out over miles and miles of countryside. There was a run of really clear mornings just after I arrived, and it was a glorious feeling, like I could see forever, and when I strummed my chords, they were ringing out across the whole nation. Only when I turned and stuck my head right out of the window would I get an aerial view of the cafe terrace below, and become aware of the people coming and going with their dogs and pushchairs.
I wasn’t a stranger to this area. Maggie and I had grown up only a few miles away in Pershore and our parents had often brought us for walks on the hills. But I’d never been much up for it in those days, and as soon as I was old enough, I’d refused to go with them. That summer though, I felt this was the most beautiful place in the world; that in many ways I’d come from and belonged to the hills. Maybe it was something to do with our parents having split up, the fact that for some time now, that little grey house opposite the hairdresser was no longer “our” house. Whatever it was, this time round, instead of the claustrophobia I remembered from my childhood, I felt affection, even nostalgia, about the area.
I found myself wandering in the hills practically every day, sometimes with my guitar if I was sure it wouldn’t rain. I liked in particular Table Hill and End Hill, at the north end of the range, which tend to get neglected by day-trippers. There I’d sometimes be lost in my thoughts for hours at a time without seeing a soul. It was like I was discovering the hills for the first time, and I could almost taste the ideas for new songs welling up in my mind.
Working at the cafe, though, was another matter. I’d catch a voice, or see a face coming up to the counter while I was preparing a salad, that would jerk me back to an earlier part of my life. Old friends of my parents would come up and grill me about what I was up to, and I’d have to bluff until they decided to leave me in peace. Usually they’d sign off with something like: “Well at least you’re keeping busy,” nodding towards the sliced bread and tomatoes, before waddling back to their table with their cup and saucer. Or someone I’d known at school would come in and start talking to me in their new “university” voice, maybe dissecting the latest Batman film in clever-clever language, or else starting on about the real causes of world poverty.
I didn’t really mind any of this. In fact, some of these people I was genuinely quite glad to see. But there was one person who came into the cafe that summer, the instant I saw her, I felt myself freezing up, and by the time it occurred to me to escape into the kitchen, she’d already seen me.
This was Mrs. Fraser-or Hag Fraser, as we used to call her. I recognised her as soon as she came in with a muddy little bulldog. I felt like telling her she couldn’t bring the dog inside, though people always did that when they came to get things. Hag Fraser had been one of my teachers at school in Pershore. Thankfully she retired before I went into the sixth form, but in my memory her shadow falls over my entire school career. Her aside, school hadn’t been that bad, but she’d had it in for me from the start, and when you’re just eleven years old, there’s nothing you can do to defend yourself from someone like her. Her tricks were the usual ones twisted teachers have, like asking me in lessons exactly the questions she sensed I wouldn’t be able to answer, then making me stand up and getting the class to laugh at me. Later, it got more subtle. I remember once, when I was fourteen, a new teacher, a Mr. Travis, had exchanged jokes with me in class. Not jokes against me, but like we were equals, and the class had laughed, and I’d felt good about it. But a couple of days later, I was going down the corridor and Mr. Travis was coming the other way, talking with her, and as I came by she stopped me and gave me a complete bollocking about late homework or something. The point is she’d done this just to let Mr. Travis know I was a “troublemaker;” that if he’d thought for one moment I was one of the boys worthy of his respect, he was making a big mistake. Maybe it was because she was old, I don’t know, but the other teachers never seemed to see through her. T
hey all took whatever she said as gospel.
When Hag Fraser came in that day, it was obvious she remembered me, but she didn’t smile or call me by name. She bought a cup of tea and a packet of Custard Creams, then took them outside to the terrace. I thought that was that. But then a while later, she came in again, put her empty cup and saucer down on the counter and said: “Since you won’t clear the table, I’ve brought these in myself.” She gave me a look that went on a second or two longer than was normal-her old if-only-I-could-swat-you look-then left.
All my hatred for the old dragon came back, and by the time Maggie came down a few minutes later, I was completely fuming. She saw it straight away and asked what was wrong. There were a few customers out on the terrace, but no one inside, so I started shouting, calling Hag Fraser every filthy name she deserved. Maggie got me to calm down, then said:
“Well, she’s not anybody’s teacher any more. She’s just a sad old lady whose husband’s gone and left her.”
“Not surprised.”
“But you have to feel a bit sorry for her. Just when she thought she could enjoy her retirement, she’s left for a younger woman. And now she has to run that bed-and-breakfast by herself and people say the place is falling apart.”
This all cheered me up no end. I forgot about Hag Fraser soon after that, because a group came in and I had to make a lot of tuna salads. But a few days later when I was chatting to Geoff in the kitchen, I got a few more details from him; like how her husband of forty-odd years had gone off with his secretary; and how their hotel had got off to a reasonable start, but now all the gossip was of guests demanding their money back, or checking out within hours of arrival. I saw the place myself once when I was helping Maggie with the cash-and-carry and we drove past. Hag Fraser’s hotel was right there on the Elgar Route, a fairly substantial granite house with an outsize sign saying “Malvern Lodge.”
But I don’t want to go on about Hag Fraser too much. I’m not obsessed with her or with her hotel. I’m only putting this all here now because of what happened later, once Tilo and Sonja came in.
Geoff had gone into Great Malvern that day, so it was just me and Maggie holding the fort. The main lunch rush was over, but at the point when the Krauts came in, we still had plenty going on. I’d clocked them in my mind as “the Krauts” the moment I heard their accents. I wasn’t being racist. If you have to stand behind a counter and remember who didn’t want beetroot, who wanted extra bread, who gets what put on which bill, you’ve no choice but to turn all the customers into characters, give them names, pick out physical peculiarities. Donkey Face had a ploughman’s and two coffees. Tuna mayo baguettes for Winston Churchill and his wife. That’s how I was doing it. So Tilo and Sonja were “the Krauts.”
It was very hot that afternoon, but most of the customers-being English-still wanted to sit outside on the terrace, some of them even avoiding the parasols so they could go bright red in the sun. But the Krauts decided to sit indoors in the shade. They had on loose, camel-coloured trousers, trainers and T-shirts, but somehow looked smart, the way people from the continent often do. I supposed they were in their forties, maybe early fifties-I didn’t pay too much attention at that stage. They ate their lunch talking quietly to each other, and they seemed like any pleasant, middle-aged couple from Europe. Then after a while, the guy got up and started wandering about the room, pausing to study an old faded photo Maggie has on the wall, of the house as it was in 1915. Then he stretched out his arms and said:
“Your countryside here is so wonderful! We have many fine mountains in Switzerland. But what you have here is different. They are hills. You call them hills. They have a charm all their own because they are gentle and friendly.”
“Oh, you’re from Switzerland,” Maggie said in her polite voice. “I’ve always wanted to go there. It sounds so fantastic, the Alps, the cable-cars.”
“Of course, our country has many beautiful features. But here, in this spot, you have a special charm. We have wanted to visit this part of England for so long. We always talked of it, and now finally we are here!” He gave a hearty laugh. “So happy to be here!”
“That’s splendid,” Maggie said. “I do hope you enjoy it. Are you here for long?”
“We have another three days before we must return to our work. We have looked forward to coming here ever since we observed a wonderful documentary film many years ago, concerning Elgar. Evidently Elgar loved these hills and explored them thoroughly on his bicycle. And now we are finally here!”
Maggie chatted with him for a few minutes about places they’d already visited in England, what they should see in the local area, the usual stuff you were supposed to say to tourists. I’d heard it loads of times before, and I could do it myself more or less on automatic, so I started to tune out. I just took in that the Krauts were actually Swiss and that they were travelling around by hired car. He kept saying what a great place England was and how kind everyone had been, and made big laughing noises whenever Maggie said anything halfway jokey. But as I say, I’d tuned out, thinking they were just this fairly boring couple. I only started paying attention again a few moments later, when I noticed the way the guy kept trying to bring his wife into the conversation, and how she kept silent, her eyes fixed on her guidebook and behaving like she wasn’t aware of any conversation at all. That’s when I took a closer look at them.
They both had even, natural suntans, quite unlike the sweaty lobster looks of the locals outside, and despite their age, they were both slim and fit-looking. His hair was grey, but luxuriant, and he’d had it carefully groomed, though in a vaguely seventies style, a bit like the guys in ABBA. Her hair was blonde, almost snowy white, and her face was stern-looking, with little lines etched around the mouth that spoilt what would otherwise have been the beautiful older woman look. So there he was, as I say, trying to bring her into the conversation.
“Of course, my wife enjoys Elgar greatly and so would be most curious to visit the house in which he was born.”
Silence.
Or: “I am not a great fan of Paris, I must confess. I much prefer London. But Sonja here, she loves Paris.”
Nothing.
Each time he said something like this, he’d turn towards his wife in the corner, and Maggie would be obliged to look over to her, but the wife still wouldn’t glance up from her book. The man didn’t seem especially perturbed by this and went on talking cheerfully. Then he stretched out his arms again and said: “If you will excuse me, I think I may for a moment go and admire your splendid scenery!”
He went outside, and we could see him walking around the terrace. Then he disappeared out of our view. The wife was still there in the corner, reading her guidebook, and after a while Maggie went over to her table and began clearing up. The woman ignored her completely until my sister picked up a plate with a tiny bit of roll still left on it. Then suddenly she slammed down her book and said, far more loudly than necessary: “I have not finished yet!”
Maggie apologised and left her with her piece of roll-which I noticed the woman made no move to touch. Maggie looked at me as she came past and I gave her a shrug. Then a few moments later, my sister asked the woman, very nicely, if there was anything else she’d like.
“No. I want nothing else.”
I could tell from her tone she should be left alone, but with Maggie it was a kind of reflex. She asked, like she really wanted to know: “Was everything all right?”
For at least five or six seconds, the woman went on reading, like she hadn’t heard. Then she put down her book again and glared at my sister.
“Since you ask,” she said, “I shall tell you. The food was perfectly okay. Better than in many of the awful places you have around here. However, we waited thirty-five minutes simply to be served a sandwich and a salad. Thirty-five minutes.”
I now realised this woman was livid with anger. Not the sort that suddenly hits you, then drains away. No, this woman, I could tell, had been in a kind of white heat for some ti
me. It’s the sort of anger that arrives and stays put, at a constant level, like a bad headache, never quite peaking and refusing to find a proper outlet. Maggie’s always so even-tempered she couldn’t recognise the symptoms, and probably thought the woman was complaining in a more or less rational way. Because she apologised and started to say: “But you see, when there’s a big rush like we had earlier…”
“Surely you get it every day, no? Is that not so? Every day, in the summer, when the weather is fine, there is just such a big rush? Well? So why can’t you be ready? Something that happens every day and it surprises you. Is that what you are telling me?”
The woman had been glaring at my sister, but as I came out from behind the counter to stand beside Maggie, she transferred her gaze to me. And maybe it was to do with the expression I had on my face, I could see her anger go up a couple more notches. Maggie turned and looked at me, and began gently to push me away, but I resisted, and kept gazing at the woman. I wanted her to know it wasn’t just her and Maggie in this. God knows where this would have got us, but at that moment the husband came back in.
“Such a marvellous view! A marvellous view, a marvellous lunch, a marvellous country!”
I waited for him to sense what he’d walked into, but if he noticed, he showed no sign of taking it into account. He smiled at his wife and said, presumably for our benefit in English:
“Sonja, you really must go and have a look. Just walk to the end of the little path out there!”
She said something in German, then went back to her book. He came further into the room and said to us:
“We had considered driving on to Wales this afternoon. But your Malvern Hills are so wonderful, I really think we might stay here in this district for the remaining three days of our vacation. If Sonja agrees, I will be overjoyed!”
Nocturnes: Five Stories of Music and Nightfall Page 8