“If you don’t want her, I’ll take her,” said Isaac.
“Me too,” said Nik.
“Me too,” said Blackie.
“Me too,” said Whitey.
“Me three,” said Kong.
“Me four,” said VanCat. He wiggled all four hands in the air. Everyone laughed.
“Look,” said Blackie, “there are no guarantees in life. No one knows what’s going to happen next. Everybody makes mistakes. That’s part of life. But it seems clear to all of us standing together in this circle that the true mistake would be letting that pretty young filly get away.”
The guys all nodded and expressed their agreement.
“But ultimately the decision is yours,” said Blackie. “Whichever choice you make will be yours to live with.” Blackie turned and surveyed the stage, which looked to be nearly ready. “Come on, guys. Sound check.”
Blackie, Whitey, Kong, and VanCat headed for the stage. Whitey turned and called back, “You can do it on stage if you like.” He smiled his signature diastemic grin.
Isaac and Nik returned to their buffet duties.
Danny stood alone on the beach with a beer in his hand and a ring in his pocket.
~
The next couple of hours passed slowly.
Dinner concluded and everyone mingled, waiting for darkness to fall and for the concert and the fireworks to begin.
Candy emerged from the house and found Danny. The cut on her finger was sealed with antiseptic glue and covered with a small strip of transparent skin tape. Candy smiled but offered no kisses, and soon she was involved in a conversation with Harley.
Danny found himself alone at the bar with another beer in his hand. The two robot bartenders were master mixologists but lousy at conversation, despite it being one of a bartender’s principal responsibilities. After a few stalled attempts, Danny gave up and went back to people watching.
Isaac, Nik, and the girls were helping Tim and Maggie tear down the buffet.
Blackie and the guys were hanging around next to the stage, once more surrounded by females.
“Man, I should’ve been a musician.”
Danny found Rory leaning on the bar beside him. “A musician? Why, are you musically inclined?”
“You bet your ass. You ever heard of The Doors?”
“Sure.”
“When I was a kid, I had a guitar with their picture on it. I taught myself to play it and by the time I was fourteen, I was writing songs. My dad played golf with a guy named Tex who was a bigwig at a record company. He liked my music and wanted to send me to the California Guitar Institute. He said if I graduated, he would sign me to his label. I had a successful career in music just waiting for me.” Rory fell silent. He watched Blackie and a very tall redhead making out heavily on the side of the stage.
“So what happened?”
“I turned it down. I wanted a stable life and a family, something I never had because my parents were so fucked up. Did you know that my mom and dad were married and divorced three times? Three times! And I don’t mean they each got married three times. They married and divorced each other three times. They couldn’t live with each other and couldn’t live without each other.”
“So you went into robotics?”
“I played little league with a kid whose dad was a roboticist. He was the coach of our baseball team and I really thought he had it all together. You know, we almost made it to the Little League World Series. We lost our last game after a bogus call. Turned out the ump was banging the sister of the other team’s coach. So we were the ones who got screwed. Years later, my mom got really loaded at a Memorial Day barbecue and told me that our coach was a gay crossdresser and his wife was a lesbian, and their marriage was one of convenience because they both wanted children. Turns out everybody’s got a dirty little secret.”
“What’s yours?”
“I just told you mine. I’m a divorced single dad who’s banging his boss’s granddaughter but is in love with a robot I can’t have, despite it being of my own creation.”
“Are you really in love with her?”
“Yes.” Rory sighed. “But I’ll get over it. She’s in love with you. Besides, Harley and I just did it in the upstairs bathroom. My penis hurts. I think I might be falling for her.”
Harley cast a quick glance at Rory. She smiled.
“She’s beautiful and sexy and smart,” said Rory. “Plus she’s a total tomboy. She rides motorcycles and drinks beer and watches football. What’s not to love?”
“You could do a lot worse.”
“So could you.”
“How do you mean?”
“I mean Candy, numb-nuts.”
Danny took a long drink from his beer. “What the hell are you talking about? Not eight hours ago you said she is a robot and that it–you referred to her as ‘it’–needed to be deactivated. You were going to call Mr. C. and have the whole program shut down. You were going to turn her off like a light and I was going to . . . I don’t know what . . . start trolling for action at Robot Palace, I guess.”
“Ever been there?”
“Me? Hell no. Why, have you?”
“Lots of times.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah.”
“What’s it like in there?”
“It’s pretty fucked up.”
“When were you there?”
“A few years ago. After Melinda and I split up. I was into some dark shit there for awhile.”
What kind of dark shit?”
“Robots destroying humans. Some really fucked-up, old-world gladiator shit, but with a new futuristic twist. Sex, too. Lots of sex. Orgies. Robots gang-banging chicks. The works.”
“How can shit like that be allowed to go on?”
“Are you kidding? You wouldn’t believe me if I told you some of the people I saw there.”
“Really? Who?”
“Showbusiness people. Politicians. Foreign dignitaries. Heads of state. Presidential candidates . . . if you know what I mean. It’s like the coliseum has been born anew, swathed in neon and bright lights, and fitted with the latest robotic hardware money can buy. And then acted out on a stage covered with dirt to soak up all the blood. Just like the Romans did it thousands of years ago.”
“People don’t change, times change.”
“And the more things change, the more they stay the same.”
“So what happened?” Danny asked. “What saved you?”
“I met Harley. She took over my division at work and within a week we were back at her place each night, going at it like animals.”
“So why aren’t you two married?”
“Harley’s not in any hurry. And I’ve been married. Marriage is great when it works. And when you work at it, it’s great. They say the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. But the truth is that the grass is greener where you water it. That turned out not to be the case with Melinda, but most of the time it’s true. I think with Harley it could work. I dunno. Maybe someday Harls and I will tie the knot. We’ll see.”
Rory finished his beer and ordered a fresh one from the robot bartender.
“So what about you?” Rory asked. “I hear you’ve got a rock in your pocket. Or are you just happy to see me?”
“Who told you that?”
“Maggie.”
“Who told Maggie?”
“Tim.”
“Who told Tim?”
“You did, dumb ass.”
“Oh. Right.”
“Is it true?”
“No, it’s not true.”
“Bullshit. I can see the ring in your pocket.” Rory laughed. He smacked Danny on the back. “Relax. I’m just fucking with you. So, are you really going to lay that ice on Candy and pop the big question in front of all these people?”
“I don’t know.”
“I proposed to Melinda in front of her family. It was at a Christmas party at her folks’. I got down on my knee and asked her to be my wi
fe. She was standing there with a mug of egg nog in her hand. The look on her face was like, Oh shit. I could see it in her eyes that she wanted to say no. But her family was there watching and waiting. I remember how quiet it was. The only sound was the crackling of the fire. She finally said yes just to end the torture. I figured she’d wait a day or two and then break it off. But she never did. On our wedding day, I was shocked that she actually showed up. When we said our vows, I finally relaxed. Never in a million years would I have guessed that we’d wind up divorced.”
“Do you regret it?”
“No. Absolutely not. If I hadn’t married Melinda, I wouldn’t have my girls. I love them more than life itself. Rose and Ruby are the best thing that ever happened to me. They were going to be here tonight before their mother decided at the last minute to take them to Disney World.”
“But you could marry Harley and have more kids.”
“That’s true. That may happen. We certainly would enjoy making them. If they’re anything like her, they’ll be absolutely gorgeous. And Harley would be a wonderful mother. I know I said she’s crazy, but she’s also warm and kind and generous. Plus, she’s already becoming friends with Candy and Susannah.” Rory faced Danny. “So whaddya think? You gonna pop the question?”
“Are you kidding? After that story you just told me about proposing to Melinda in front of everyone, with the egg nog and the fireplace and the horrific, awkward silence? Hell no. Besides, Candy isn’t real.”
“What do you mean she isn’t real? Of course she’s real. She’s standing right there with her hands on Harley’s tits.” Rory dropped his beer in the sand. “Holy shit, she’s got her hands on Harley’s tits. Oh my God, they’re feeling each other up.”
Candy, Harley, and Susannah were indeed taking turns feeling one another’s breasts.
“They were doing that earlier, too,” said Danny.
“Oh my God, I built a lesbian robot.”
“She is not a lesbian,” said Danny. “Trust me.”
Rory’s eyes grew wide and he drew in a sharp breath. “She’s bisexual. My robot is bisexual.” He turned to Danny. “You lucky fuck.”
“It’s not like they’re making out. They’re just . . . comparing.”
“No, remember what Candy said during dinner? She said she was turned on by the sexbot at Mechanical Man. She’s bi. I’m telling you, she’s bi. If we get Harley loaded, something might happen.”
“Would you calm down. Just when I start to have some real respect for you, you start acting like a horny frat boy.”
“Every guy has a horny frat boy inside. Sometimes, you’ve gotta let him out. If you don’t, you become repressed and sad. You start looking at that grass on the other side of the fence. And you start thinking, Gee . . . that grass looks so green and lush, I think I’m going to go over there and eat some of it. But instead of eating grass, you’re eating another woman’s vagina. And next thing you know, you’re a divorced single dad like me, hoping his would-be, quasi, pseudo-girlfriend will get it on with a bisexual robot.”
“Calm down. Candy isn’t bi. She isn’t even human. You said it yourself. She isn’t real.”
“Stop saying that. She is real. She’s standing right there. It’s not like she’s a hologram. Besides, she sucked your dick.”
“No she didn’t. She gave me a hand job.”
“Was it good?”
“Are you kidding? I thought my teeth were going to come shooting out.”
“Really? Tell me more. Did she play with your balls?”
“I’m not telling you anything else.”
“Come on, I want details.”
“No. When you tell your friends the kinky stuff you do with your woman, it sexualizes her in their eyes. Next thing you know, they’re taking the kids on play-dates together and debating breast feeding versus bottle feeding. Which is of course nothing more than thinly-veiled foreplay disguised as legitimate conversation. It’s a bad idea.”
“Did she stick her finger up your butt while she was pleasuring you? Harley does that to me. I fucking love it.”
“Would you shut up? I’m not telling you what we did together. Besides, it doesn’t matter. She isn’t real. She isn’t even human.”
“So? You spent two weeks with her and you didn’t know. You got naked with her and you didn’t know. You bought a ring and were ready to ask her to be your wife because you didn’t know. And you are an expert in robotics. You literally wrote a textbook on robots. But she fooled you. That makes her plenty real. And makes me a fuckin’ genius. I’m gonna ask Canary for a raise.”
“She isn’t human.”
“So? Being human is overrated. Just ask Blackie and the guys.”
Over by the stage, Blackie, Whitey, VanCat, and Kong were each kissing a different woman.
“You think they’d be getting all that tail if they weren’t cyborgs?” Rory asked.
“Of course, they’re musicians.”
“But being cyborgs has certainly helped. Chicks dig it. It’s kinky. And dangerous. That’s one of the reasons Harley studied robotics. Hell, it’s one of the reasons why I studied robotics. It’s one of the reasons I built Candy. Robots are so . . . pure. So . . . perfect. Not like humans. Humans are flawed. Humans are scared and selfish and always fucking each other over. But robots are fundamentally good. Take Howard, for example.” Rory pointed at Howard, where he stood beside Floyd and Susannah, who were seated at their table, holding hands and talking, clearly involved in a deep conversation. “You think Howard is bored right now? You think he’s thinking about stealing Susannah away from Floyd? No, he’s not. He should be, because Susannah is smokin’. But he’s not. He’s loyal. When he acts, he considers the ramifications of his behavior first. Howard’s greatest desire is to do no harm. If everyone aspired to such an ideal, and then actually followed through, the world would be the kind of place it ought to be. Instead of the fallen hell hole mankind has turned it into. If robots were running the world, we’d all be better off, believe you me. We wouldn’t give up the reigns easily, but it would be in our best interest to do so.”
“You honestly believe that?”
“Absolutely. Why do you think I built Candy? It’s taken me my entire life to get to the point where I could actually do it. And I had help from Tim and Canary and the whole company. A lot of help. I couldn’t have done it by myself. But we did it. We actually did it. The proof is right there, with her hand on my girlfriend’s perfect breast, right on her heart. That’s gotta be a God-given metaphor for something. Right?”
“I guess.”
“Tell you what, sport. Why don’t you go back in time twenty-four hours and not come with Tim and me on the boat. We won’t have the conversation about Candy. And you can go back to being madly in love. You can lead her up on stage right here in front of all these people, pull that iceberg out of your pocket, and pop the question. It will be nothing like my botched marriage to my kids’ mom. Candy will say yes, you’ll put the ring on her finger, she’ll shove her tongue down your throat, and then you two can run off down the beach to find a secluded spot where you can ravage each other all night to commemorate your engagement. Then you can have kids of your own and the world will be a better place for having you and your family in it. And fucked-up degenerates like me will gradually fall by the wayside.”
Danny stared at Rory. “Have kids of our own? Can it—she—we—do that?”
Rory grinned. He smacked Danny on the shoulder. “Take the plunge. Stop being such a pussy, get out of your own head, pop the question, and find out for yourself. You won’t regret it.”
Rory stepped away from the bar, headed toward where Harley stood talking and laughing with Candy and Susannah.
“What if I do regret it?” Danny called.
“You’ll regret it more if you don’t,” said Rory.
~
An hour later, it was full dark and Blackie and the guys were on stage. Blackie announced that they were recording a live album and that they
would be performing a brand new song for the very first time.
The guests on the sandy dance floor in front of the stage all cheered and clapped in approval. Blackie and the guys then launched into a song about a woman named Maggie doing a rain dance, and nearly everyone hurried to dance in the cool sand. Tim and Maggie wound up in the middle of the dance floor, and the guests made a circle around them. Tim and Maggie danced and twirled, surrounded by Isaac, Nik, Copper, Gali, and Turing.
Rory and Harley danced together. Rory stood behind Harley, with his arms around her. With one hand, Harley held firmly to the back of Rory’s head.
“Look at those two. They’re practically having sex out there.”
Danny turned to see Candy standing next to him, watching Rory and Harley.
“Hi.”
Candy’s lips formed a small smile. “Hi.”
Danny looked down at his feet. He began drawing lines in the sand with his toe.
Candy watched Blackie and the guys on stage. She swayed gently in time with the music.
Danny struggled to find something to say. Were he a robot like Howard, his eyes would be positively dim for the effort of it.
The song ended and the band went into another tune. “God is good and fate is great. . . .” Blackie sang.
“These guys are really good,” said Danny.
“Is there something you want to ask me?”
Danny felt heat flush his face. Torches had been lit around the perimeter of the beach, bathing everything in an orange glow. Danny hoped Candy couldn’t see him blush.
“Why, doctor Olivaw,” said Candy, “are you blushing?”
“I don’t know, am I?”
“Is there something you want to ask me?”
Danny swallowed hard, shifted his weight, shifted it back again, and raked at the sand with his toes, first one foot and then the other. “Can I buy you a drink?”
“Open bar. Drinks are free.”
“Right.” Danny turned to face the bartenders. “You guys know how to make a Fireball martini?”
“Yes, sir,” replied the robot. “However, this bar is not stocked with the necessary spirits, nor do we have adequate number of glasses.”
Eye Candy Page 29