The dragon’s metal mouth glowed a dull orange, still retaining heat from having breathed jets of fire. Danny felt the warmth on his hand. He could almost hear the sensors in the dragon’s nose processing his scent, could almost see the shift occur in the creature’s mechanical mind.
The dragon took two steps forward, knelt, and rubbed its head against Danny’s body armor.
Danny grinned. “That’s a good dragon.” He stroked the dragon between its massive horns.
The dragon extended its neck, and Danny stroked it there, too.
Then the dragon folded its wings and rolled onto its back. Its four legs and feet flopped in the air.
Danny rubbed its belly.
The dragon let out a deep, contented sigh.
“Hey, you guys,” Danny called. “It’s okay, you can move up.”
The team approached with caution, coming slowly closer.
But the dragon simply lay there, on its back, feet in the air and long, forked tongue lolling out of its mouth while Danny slowly rubbed its belly.
“Un-fucking-believable,” said Rory.
“You actually did it,” said Tim.
“Of course,” said Rony, “he’s a roboticist.”
“Alright,” said Danny, “everybody move out. There’s a door over there by the dragon’s tail.”
Everyone took turns admiring and even petting the dragon as they passed by.
“He’s cute,” said Delilah.
“Wish we had one of these down at the Palace,” said Zammy.
“Maybe he’d like to be adopted,” said Delilah.
“Maybe he’d like to knit me a new pair of eyebrows,” said Atom.
“A knitting dragon,” said Rukara, “now that’s something I’d like to see.”
“I’d like to see us find the kidnapped princess and then get the hell outta Dodge so I can get some ice on my ribs,” said Bella.
“And maybe a surgeon to do something about that internal bleeding,” said Blendo. “You have blood on your lips.”
Bella wiped his mouth. His fingers came away bloody. “That can’t be good.”
Everyone exchanged worried glances.
“Right,” said Danny. “Let’s move.” He went to the nearby door.
The dragon rolled over and regained its feet.
“Sit,” said Danny.
The dragon sat.
“Stay.”
Two perfect smoke rings puffed from the dragon’s nostrils.
“He does that better than you, Rukara,” said Poo.
“Yeah, well, if we make it out of this, I’m going to roll a joint so big that he can be the one to light it for me. We can hot-box this entire dungeon.”
Danny depressed the latch on the door and pushed it open.
Behind the door was a stone staircase that led sharply upward.
“Alright,” said Danny, “I’ll take point.” He looked at the dragon one last time. “Stay!”
The dragon tilted its head to one side and lay down.
“He likes you,” said Rony.
“Extraordinary,” said Canary.
~
Danny proceeded up the stairs. The team followed, spiraling up, up, and around.
“I’m getting dizzy,” said Romeo.
“A dizzy robot,” said Canary, “extraordinary.”
“Come over to my place tonight, sugar,” said Romeo, “and I’ll show you something extraordinary. And bring your lady friend.”
Canary and Laura exchanged glances.
Upward still the team climbed.
“It’s like climbing a lighthouse,” said Helen.
“Oh, I love lighthouses,” said Susannah.
“So do I,” said Floyd.
Floyd and Susannah smiled at one another.
“Get a room, you two!” said Romeo.
“You’re just jealous,” said Laura.
“You’ll never know how much, counselor,” said Romeo.
“Hey, Danny, can you see the top?” Rory called.
“Not yet. Just keep climbing.”
“My chest hurts,” said Bella.
“My eyebrows hurt,” said Atom.
“You no longer have eyebrows, sir,” said Howard.
“And how kind of you to notice,” said Atom. “So much for a robot not injuring a human being.”
“Or a robotic dragon,” said Sparky.
“Better than a real dragon,” said Oberon.
“And a whole lot easier to feed,” said Whitey.
“And clean up after,” added VanCat.
“Enough with the pithy dialogue,” said Poo.
“You think this dialogue is pithy?” Floyd asked.
“Don’t you?” Rony asked.
“Pith suggests a universal truth or wisdom,” said Floyd.
“Like, love conquers all?” Susannah suggested.
Floyd smiled. “Exactly.”
“You’d better be right,” said Danny.
“I’m always right,” said Floyd.
“In that case,” asked Poo, “what’s at the top of these stairs?”
Floyd replied, “An army of drones waiting to cut us in half.”
“I’ve already seen a person get cut in half tonight,” said Danny.
“Then may I suggest you duck?” said Floyd. “I’d really prefer that you survive. I hate having to find a new place to live.”
“If I don’t make it, you and Susannah and Howard can have the house.”
“Thanks, man.”
“Please, let’s not talk like that,” said Maggie. “He is going to make it. We’re all going to make it. I mean, with the exception of Bella testing his body armor the hard way, and Poo almost getting cut in half, which was completely avoidable–”
“That’s true, it was,” said Poo.
“–and Atom only losing a couple of eyebrows, everyone’s fine.”
“Easy for you to say,” muttered Atom.
“Easy for you to say,” said Bella. He grunted with each step he climbed.
“Sorry, Bells, I forgot,” said Atom.
“Bells?” Blackie asked.
“It’s a variation of Bella,” said Blendo.
“Along with Bellsy, Bubbles, or just plain Balls,” said Atom.
“And with the beard, it makes him Harry Balls,” Rukara added.
“How did you get the name Bella, anyway?” Delilah asked.
“It was a vampire thing, right?” said Zammy. “Bella Legosi?”
Bella paused to lean against the wall. “Yes, but actually, it was Bella Swan, from an old book.”
“Swan?” Zammy asked. “I didn’t know that.”
“Isn’t it a tad feminine?” Kong asked.
“It happens to be my middle name,” said Bella.
“What’s your last name?” Nik asked.
Bella breathed heavily. “Johnson.”
“Bella Swan Johnson?” Floyd asked.
Bella spit blood on the ground and nodded.
“Makes sense,” said Floyd. “Johnson is a fairly ubiquitous name. I think Bella is a nice balance.”
“It wasn’t nice every year in school when I’d show up and everyone heard my name during roll call and expected me to be a girl.” He bent and spat more blood on the stone.
“Does it hurt?” asked Rony.
“Yes.”
“Worse than when you crashed your bike on the runway?”
“Yes.”
“Want me to carry you?” Moshe asked.
“No.”
“That won’t be necessary, Moshe,” said Danny. “We’re here.” Danny stepped onto a broad landing opposite two large, iron-banded wooden doors.
The team finished climbing the stairs and crowded onto the landing, where they knelt to rest and sip some water.
Danny turned to Floyd. “An army of drones, huh?”
Floyd grinned. “Hope not.”
“It’s been quite a ride since that blind date, huh?”
Floyd’s grin widened. “Yes, it has. But don
’t go saying your goodbyes just yet. There’s a good chance that we’re going to get out of this.”
Danny nodded to Floyd and surveyed his team. Beads of sweat clung to their faces, tiny droplets stark against the green and black camouflage paint. “Everybody ready?” Everyone nodded. “Fresh magazines.” Danny popped the clip on his own rifle and slapped in a full one.
He turned to Floyd once more. “Any chance there’s no one on the other side of these doors besides Candy?”
“Only one way to find out, brother.” Floyd winked.
Danny turned to Kong. “Feel like going in with me?”
Kong racked the slide lever on the gatling gun. “Ol’ Painless is waitin’.”
Danny turned to Bella. “You stay here and snipe everything you can.”
“Roger that,” Bella grunted. Blood covered his lips.
“You alright?” Danny asked.
Bella spit more blood. “Lugging a fifty cal up two hundred steps ain’t helping, but I’m okay.” He chambered a round on the massive fifty-caliber rifle. “Just keep your head down. I wouldn’t want to turn your skull into a canoe by mistake.”
“Roger that,” said Danny. He spoke next to Helen and Sparky. “I want you two to stay here and watch our six. Anyone and anything could be coming up these stairs. It’s your job to make sure no one reaches this landing. Understood?”
“Perfectly,” said Sparky.
Helen chambered her submachine gun. “Let’s kick some ass.”
“Everyone else,” said Danny, “follow me.”
“Wait,” said Blackie. He and Whitey and VanCat moved up beside Kong. “We’ll go in with you.”
Kong stood before both doors, with Danny and VanCat on his left and Blackie and Whitey on his right.
Danny and Whitey reached for a door latch.
“One,” Danny whispered.
“Two,” whispered Whitey.
“Three,” said Kong.
Danny and Whitey thrust open the doors.
On the other side was a massive room.
And it was full of drones.
“Oh, shit.”
Danny wasn’t sure who said it. It sounded like Senator Stein.
“Let’s rock!” Kong roared. He opened fire. The gatling gun buzzed, strafing the entire room with a spray of bullets and tracer rounds.
Blackie, Whitey, VanCat, and Danny knelt on one knee on either side of Kong and opened fire.
Behind them, Atom, Blendo, Rony, Rukara, Howard, Bernard, Zammy, Delilah, Floyd, and Susannah stood in a line, shoulder to shoulder, blazing away.
Inch by inch, Danny and his front line fought their way into the room, followed closely by Atom and the others.
The drones returned fire, and Danny felt bullets striking his body armor like heavy fists.
A round tore a chunk out of Kong’s shoulder. Kong didn’t seem to notice, and continued to blaze away, cutting drones into pieces with his gatling gun.
“Advance!” Danny screamed. He was certain no one heard him over the gunfire, but Kong took several steps forward, flanked by Blackie, Whitey, and VanCat.
Atom and Blendo led the second team into the room, all guns blazing.
The third team filled in behind them. Rory, Tim, Maggie, Isaac, Nik, Canary, Laura, Moshe, Tikva, Romeo, Oberon, Poo, and Senator Stein formed a firing line. Just as Atom, Blendo, and the second team paused to load fresh magazines, Rory, Tim, and the third team stepped up and opened fire.
Twenty seconds later, their ammunition was spent, and the second team resumed firing.
Slowly, the teams advanced, alternating their fire and stepping over the smoking remains of bullet-riddled drones as they went.
Danny moved beside Blackie, Whitey, and VanCat, with the sheer firepower of Kong and his gatling gun leading the assault.
Periodic explosions blasted from Bella’s massive rifle. Each time it fired, several drones were ripped apart.
Further and further into the chamber they advanced, firing, reloading, firing, reloading.
Danny at last spotted a door through which more drones were entering. He waved one arm at Bella, then pointed to the door. Bella nodded, aimed, and fired.
The two drones coming through the door were blown backwards. Bella fired again, then again and again each time a drone emerged in the doorway, until fresh drones were forced to busy themselves with clearing the pile of felled bodies from the entrance.
Danny and his two teams continued to advance. They swept the muzzles of their rifles over the room, emptying entire clips into the swarm of drones, until at last the room fell silent. No additional drones came through the door, and all the others lay on the stone floor, lifeless.
“All clear?” Danny called.
“Clear,” said Atom.
Poo fired a round into a squirming robot just as it raised its weapon. “Clear.”
Danny faced Bella. “Clear?”
Bella spat blood and leaned against the wall, but offered a thumbs-up.
“Helen? Sparky?” Danny called out. “We clear back there?”
“Clear, sweetie,” said Helen.
“For now,” Sparky added.
“What a mess,” said Zammy. A haze of gun smoke hung in the air. The stone floor was covered in empty shell casings, as well as destroyed robots.
“Everybody okay?” Danny asked.
“Aside from a few broken ribs and some permanent hearing loss,” said Senator Stein.
“What?” Poo asked.
“I said, aside from a few broken ribs and some permanent hearing loss,” Senator Stein repeated.
“What?” Poo asked again.
“I said,” Senator Stein shouted. He stopped when Poo broke into a grin.
“I’m sorry, man,” said Poo, “I’m just fuckin’ with you. No offense.”
“What?” Senator Stein asked.
“I said I’m just fuckin’ with you,” Poo said, louder this time.
“What?” Senator Stein smiled.
“Ah, you got me,” said Poo.
“My chest hurts,” said Rony. She extracted multiple flattened bullets from her body armor.
“Welcome to my reality,” said Bella.
“Anybody else hurt?” Danny asked. “Kong?”
Most of Kong’s right shoulder and arm was soaked red with blood. “Fucked up my scorpio tattoo. Oh well. Chicks dig scars.”
“If the scar doesn’t get you laid,” said Rory, “the story of how you got it will.”
“That’s true,” said Blackie.
“Fuck,” said Rory, “I knew I should’ve been a musician.”
“It’s never too late to be what you might’ve been,” said Tikva.
“Well said, Tik,” said Susannah. “She’s a keeper, Moshe.”
“Indeed,” said Moshe.
Danny sighed. “Shit.”
“What?” Tim asked.
“I really thought Candy would be here.”
“The fair maiden locked away in an ivory tower, guarded by a ferocious dragon?” Maggie asked.
Danny sighed again. “Something like that. Alright, if everyone is more or less okay, let’s keep looking. Helen, Sparky, fall in. We’re not leaving anyone behind.” He inserted a fresh clip into his rifle for emphasis. “And be careful around all these shell casings. The last thing we need is a twisted ankle.” Danny’s boot rolled across one of the spent shells, and he nearly fell. “See?”
Stepping carefully, the team followed Danny to the door piled high with drone carcasses.
“Moshe, Blendo, you guys want to clear some of this debris?” Danny asked.
Moshe and Blendo pulled drone after drone from atop the pile and hefted them aside.
Once the doorway was passable, Danny went through.
~
Danny stared in awe. “Holy shit.”
“What?” “What is it?” “What do you see?” everyone asked.
“See for yourselves.” Danny advanced into the room and everyone filed in behind him.
It
was the size of a warehouse. A serpentine production line wound through the room. Yellow, multi-jointed robotic arms flanked the conveyor. Banks of white fluorescent lights hung from overhead girders.
“What is this place?” Susannah asked.
“It’s a clean room,” said Rory.
“It’s a robot factory,” said Tim.
“That would explain where all the drones came from,” said Maggie.
“Alright, everyone follow me,” said Danny.
A disembodied voice filled the room. “Hey. Fuckface.”
Everyone raised their rifles and whirled in place, searching for the intruder.
“Over here, Doctor Dipshit.”
A large monitor was built into the wall above a computer-control workstation. On the screen and very much life-sized was Les Grossman. A white tank-top covered his pudgy, soft, alarmingly hairy body. Square eyeglasses dominated his face below a shiny scalp rife with male-pattern baldness. A thin beard and mustache covered his jaw and mouth. He sat on the edge of a desk, looking into a camera. In one hand, he held a Diet Coke.
“If you and your pitiful band of assholes are through destroying my personal property, we need to talk. Actually, I need to talk. You need to listen.”
Danny stepped up to the monitor. “Where’s Candy?”
“What did I just say? I talk and you listen.” Les began to yell. Loudly. “Because if you don’t, I will unleash an ungodly fucking firestorm that will make the drones in the other room look like an old ladies’ sewing circle! I will massacre you! I will fuck you up!”
Les upended his Diet Coke, drained it, and tossed it away.
“Now,” he continued, “seeing as how you are all trespassing, not to mention guilty of felony breaking-and-entering and destruction of property . . . a lot of property, for which I could justifiably kill every single one of you intruderous motherfuckers, I suggest we meet for a little face time. Besides, I have something you want.”
Les reached out and with a large, meaty hand rotated the camera. He angled it to a corner of the room, where a big sofa was situated before a fireplace ablaze with a crackling fire. The room was cast in warm firelight.
Seated upon the sofa was Candy.
“You see?” said Les. “She’s fine. She’s not bound or gagged. She’s not wrapped up in a bunch of rope and suspended over a tank full of pissed off, hungry sharks with frickin’ laser beams on their heads. None of that evil mastermind bullshit.”
Eye Candy Page 41