by Beth Burnett
“Dougie Walsh,” he booms, grabbing my hand and squeezing it hard. Typical. He wants to prove his manliness by breaking the bones in my hand. I squeeze back until he sucks in a breath and pulls away from me.
“A pleasure to meet you, Doogie.”
“It’s Dougie. Not Doogie.”
“My mistake. Please, help yourself to a drink. Everything is on the island right around the corner.” I gesture toward the dining area and he takes off. Davey and I catch each other’s eyes across the room and it’s all I can do to not let out a snort.
Bradley and Greg come back from the kitchen with drinks. Davey hands a beverage to Danny. I see Lynne offering a bottle of water to Sarah. Sheila and Leah finally appear, looking a bit disheveled. I sit down on the couch next to Katie and introduce myself.
“Welcome to my home. If there is anything you need, please don’t hesitate to ask.”
“I’d like some cranberry juice.”
“Cranberry juice?”
“Yes. Cranberry juice.”
“Of course. I’ll be right back.”
Davey is chatting with the sleaze ball in front of my bookshelf. She looks half-amused and half-irritated. Bradley and Greg are deep in conversation with Sheila. Leah is sitting with Sarah and Lynne. Everyone appears to be smiling and having a good time. When I walk out of the kitchen with the cranberry juice, I see Heather walking in the front door with Nate and a woman I don’t know.
“Heather,” I say, kissing her on the cheek. “Did you find this in the trash on the way in?”
“Ha ha.” Nate punches me on the arm. “We met on the porch. This is my date, by the way.”
“Hi, I’m Gwen.” She’s good-looking. Kind of short, athletic, dark-haired. Of course, I’ve always been partial to brunettes.
I take my redhead’s hand and lead them all into the room. Creepy porn guy walks by and Nate catches my eye. “Boom chicka bow wow,” he sings, in a good imitation of bad porn music.
I nod and motion toward the couch. “His wife,” I mutter under my breath.
Nate beelines for the beer, so I’m left to introduce his date and mine. I take them both around the room, making introductions, offering tidbits about each person.
“This is Bradley. He owns Polly’s, home of the world’s best grilled cheese sandwich.”
“Oh, stop! No, don’t! I love it when you flatter me.” Bradley puts his arm around Heather and takes her off to meet Greg. I foist Gwen on Danny, who is still sweetly talking to the shy chick from the sex class. I marvel for a moment at the idea of that woman playing with a vibrator in front of a room full of women, and then push the thought from my mind. Some places don’t bear going and that’s one of them. Nate is holding a couple of beers, so I assume he is bringing one to his date. It looks as if everyone else has a drink, so I decide to relax with my own. Renee is standing in the corner, watching the crowd.
“Hey, gorgeous. What are you doing over here in the corner?”
She turns to smile at me. “I’m just watching the festivities.”
“It looks as though some people have helped themselves to food.”
“Yeah, I don’t think we have to worry about that. Leah and I will refill the dishes as they empty.”
Renee is truly a friend of friends. Putting my arm around her, I give her a small squeeze. “Thanks, friend.”
She nods toward Heather. “She’s pretty.”
“She is.”
“Seems sweet, too.”
“That she does,” I answer.
“Maybe it’s time to stop playing around and make a commitment to someone.”
“I’ve gone on exactly two dates with her. Four, if you count booty calls.”
Renee sighs. “I’m just saying.”
I’m saved from answering by Steve and Erik walking in the room with an older, but good looking woman. She has pretty white hair and a nice smile. Steve has his arm around her and is introducing her to the group. Davey gives her a hug.
“I better walk over and say hello to the boys.”
“And their friend.” Renee looks interested. “There’s something really peaceful about her face.”
“There’s something really peaceful about yours, too, my friend. Let’s go meet her.”
We link arms and intercept the guys on their way to the drinks. The woman turns away from saying something to Lynne and comes face to face with me. My breath catches in my throat for a second.
“Maggie?”
“Andy!” She throws her arms around me and gives me a hug. Small as she is, her head barely comes up to my shoulders. I tilt her head back and look into her pale, blue eyes.
“Maggie, you’ve barely aged.”
She runs her hands through her hair. “You mean other than the fact that I’ve gone completely gray.”
“It’s white. And beautiful.”
I’m grinning like an idiot. I haven’t seen her in twenty years. She looks phenomenal. I finally manage to let go of her, but she takes one of my hands and holds it while we talk.
“Steve and Erik said we were going to a party at Andy’s house, but somehow I assumed they were talking about a guy.”
“I can’t believe you’re here. I can’t believe it’s you.”
“It’s been too long, Andy. It’s been far too long.”
Renee clears her throat as Heather approaches and stands next to me.
“I’m sorry. Forgive my horrible manners. This is my friend Renee. And this is my friend Heather.”
I feel Heather give me a sidelong look as she sticks out her hand. “Hello, Maggie. It’s nice to meet you.”
Maggie let’s go of me to clasp Heather’s hand warmly. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, too.”
Renee and Maggie lock eyes and smile as they shake hands. There’s some kind of instant connection there. It would be ridiculous to feel jealous, so I squash the twinge in my gut.
Renee says, “Maggie, can I get you a drink or something to eat?”
“Just take me to the bar and I’ll help myself,” Maggie answers. She turns back to me. “Let’s catch up after your guests leave tonight, okay?”
“I would love that.”
Heather turns to me as soon as she walks off.
“So, who is that?”
“That is the woman I dated in college.”
“I figured as much.”
“Why is that?”
“Because you introduced me as your friend.”
“Well, you are my friend.”
“I see.” She walks off toward the group near the stereo.
Steve and Lynne are walking by, with sleazy 70’s porn guy right behind them. “All I was saying,” sleazy guy is whining, “is that homosexuality is a choice these days. It’s okay to choose gay. Even straight guys like me can play the gay field every once in a while if we want.”
Steve mutters, “I doubt it.”
Davey appears at my shoulder.
“Are you freaked out?”
“More excited and happy than freaked out.”
Davey nods. “She looks fantastic.”
She glances toward the stereo where Heather is dancing with Nate and his date is dancing with Danny. “You know it’s a successful party when someone moves furniture around to create a dance floor.”
“Heather seems a little pissed at me.”
“Well, you can’t help it that your ex showed up. And then, it was twenty years ago.”
“She’s mad because I introduced her as my friend.”
“That’s understandable.”
I’m outraged. “No it isn’t. What am I supposed to say? That she’s my girlfriend? We’ve only gone on two dates?”
“Four, if you count booty calls.”
“Shut up.” I glare at her.
Davey laughs. “Look, Andy. In Heather’s mind, you just dismissed her. You introduced her as your friend, which says to Maggie that you are single and available.”
Women are a pain in the ass. Why does there have to be so many ru
les of conduct? “I wasn’t trying to dismiss her. It’s just a little awkward to say, ‘This is my friend Renee. And this is Heather, the woman with whom I’ve gone on two dates and had some pretty hot sex, and with whom there might be a chance of a relationship, but I don’t know yet, since we barely know each other.’”
Davey laughs again. “That might be overkill. Still, you could have just left the friend part off. You know, put your arm around her or something.”
“Forget it. I’m not interested in playing by some rules of conduct. Heather and I are not a couple yet, and there’s no need to pretend that we are.”
Davey shrugs. “Whatever. It’s your choice. I’m just letting you know the human being point of view.”
Davey is being a bitch. Just because I don’t throw myself head-first into a relationship doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings. “I’m not a robot.”
“No, more like a 1950s house-husband.”
“Speaking of which, where did that sleazy guy go?”
Looking around the room, I fail to locate 70’s porn guy. Nate walks up behind me, holding a fresh beer. “I was just in the kitchen and he isn’t in there.”
There are not many places the guy can be. Maybe he’s in the bathroom. The door opens and Sarah comes out. Davey raises her eyebrow. “Do you think he’s in your bedroom?” We all turn to look toward the hall. Nate raises his beer. “Well, his wife is over there making friends with those gay guys, so if he’s in there, he’s by himself.”
We’re all silent for a moment, letting that thought take hold. “Eew.” I stalk toward the hallway with Davey and Nate right behind me. Getting to my bedroom, I throw open the bedroom door. “Oh. My. Fucking. God!”
Nate shoves in the room behind me and stops dead in his tracks. “For the love of all that is holy,” he whispers. Davey just shakes her head, speechless.
Sleazy guy is naked on his knees on my bedroom floor. Sheila, Dr. Ward, is standing behind him, fully clothed, holding a wooden spoon. It is obvious from the redness of sleazy guy’s ass that he has been receiving a hard spanking. It is equally obvious that the spoon came from my kitchen. I think I’m going to throw up.
Sleazy guy starts scrambling for his clothes while Dr. Ward turns to face us. “It really isn’t as bad as it looks,” she says, casually.
Nate is shaking next to me, obviously trying to hold in his laughter. He lets a huge snort escape and runs from the room. Davey still hasn’t said a word. She looks stricken. The only thing going through my mind is that I’m going to have to buy a new wooden spoon. In fact, I might have to buy an entirely new kitchen.
Sleazy guy has thrown on most of his clothes and slips out into the hallway, not looking up at us.
Davey still has her hand over her mouth. She looks as if she might be in shock. I don’t know what my face looks like. Dr. Ward gives us both a steely glare.
“This is part of therapy. I can’t talk to you about it. And you most certainly should not tell anyone else.”
Doctor-patient privilege. I can’t believe she’s trying to feed us this shit. Besides, Nate would have already run into the other room and told everyone the entire story. I wonder why Leah hasn’t popped in yet.
“Okay, whatever, Sheila. I don’t really care to hear the details anyway. I just don’t want it happening in my house!” My voice is getting louder, and I can feel a throbbing in my temple. “And I certainly don’t want it happening with my kitchen utensils!”
I snatch the spoon out of Sheila’s hand, and she hightails it out the door. Davey shuts the bedroom door and leans against it. We finally make eye contact. Davey opens her mouth to speak and bursts out laughing. “Oh, my God!” she gasps. “That has to be the hairiest ass I have ever seen in my life!”
We laugh hysterically until we’re wiping tears out of our eyes. I’m perched on the edge of the bed, holding my stomach. Every time I think I have myself under control, Davey starts laughing again and I’m gone, thinking of that man’s ass up in the air. Finally, I manage to compose myself and stand up. “Come on. We better go out and see if there is any damage control to handle.”
“I hope Leah isn’t hurt.”
We head back to the main part of the house. At first glance, nothing seems amiss. Leah is chatting with Sarah. Bradley and Greg are making out on the improvised dance floor. Nate is standing in the middle of a crowd of people, all of whom are laughing uproariously. Maggie is sitting on the couch and Renee is perched on the arm next to her. Maggie keeps looking up at Renee and smiling. Interesting. Sleazy guy and his wife appear to be gone. So does Dr. Ward. Davey heads toward the group around Nate, which includes Danny. I make for Leah.
“Sorry to interrupt ladies but, Sarah, may I steal Leah for a second?”
Sarah nods. Leah peers at me as I take her arm and lead her to the kitchen.
“So, Davey and Nate and I walked in on an interesting scene in my bedroom.”
“I know,” she said. “Sheila told me. It must have been shocking for you.”
“Well, Leah. You know, I am open to the idea that some people have different ideas as to what can and should go on in their bedrooms, and I’m okay with that. Except that this was going on in my bedroom which I find rather repulsive.”
“Not to mention using your wooden spoon.”
She has a small smirk on her face. I can’t believe she finds this so funny. “Leah, aren’t you bothered that your lover was spanking some hairy guy’s flabby white ass?”
“No, I’m not. What Dr. Ward does in the course of her therapies and what we do together behind closed doors are two different things.”
“But aren’t you going to think about it next time you two are together?”
“No, child, I am not. When Sheila is with me, she is completely with me. It doesn’t matter what she does or how she behaves when she is not with me. All that matters is how she treats me.”
I can’t get my head around it. Shaking my head, I reach out and give her a hug. “Perhaps you’re more evolved than I am.”
“I am definitely more evolved than you are. But you’re getting there, kiddo.”
“I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get that image out of my head.”
She grins. “I threw away the spoon.”
“Thank God.”
I spend the next couple of hours drinking and chatting with everyone at the party. Nate is taking great pleasure in making references to wooden spoons whenever he gets the chance. The fact that almost everyone in the room laughs whenever he makes one of his stupid jokes isn’t helping matters.
Maggie and I have only made small talk. I sense a world of feelings underneath all of our words, but I’m not ready to do twenty years’ worth of catch up in a room full of people. The guests seem pretty drunk and happy. Sarah finally bundles Lynne up and comes over to say goodbye. Lynne is drunk, but since Sarah isn’t drinking anymore, I guess it’s safe to let them go. I hug them both. Bradley and Greg and Steve and Erik are talking about going on to an all-night party after.
“On a Sunday?” I’m incredulous. “Do gay men ever sleep?”
“Only after they get old, darling,” Greg intones. The boys laugh.
Maggie looks at me. “Steve and Erik are my ride.”
“Stay here. You can relax while I do basic clean up and then we can play catch up for a while.”
Steve nods. “It’s fine with me. I don’t want to come between a lesbian reunion.”
Heather has gotten up and stalked into the kitchen. Maggie whispers, “Is this going to be a problem? If so, I’ll just go with the guys and we can get together for lunch or something.”
Davey catches my eye and nods at me. I turn back to Maggie. “Maggie, maybe that’s a better idea. Can we get together tomorrow?”
“Absolutely.” She stands on tiptoe and kisses me lightly on the mouth. “It is good to see you again. You still look like a college student.”
“I do,” I say, nodding enthusiastically. “A forty-year-old college student.”
Heather is roaming around picking up glasses. Leah is in the kitchen putting food into plastic containers. She puts some in a bag and hands it to Davey. Davey takes it and gives me a hug. “Are you sure you don’t need help cleaning?”
“I think I have more help than I need.”
Danny hugs me, too. “Nice party, Andy.”
I grin at him. “Nothing got broken.”
“We’re a little old for that kind of party anymore.”
They leave as Nate and Gwen approach. Nate is swaying a bit. “Dammit, Andy, you throw one hell of a party. Those gay guys were actually a lot of fun.”
“I’m so glad you approve,” I say wryly.
Gwen smiles shyly and gives me a quick hug. “Thank you.”
“My pleasure.”
Closing the door, I pick up the last few glasses and join the rest of the ladies in the kitchen. Heather and Renee have most of the dishes done. All of the food is put away. I perch on a stool and grab a container of dip and a stack of carrot sticks.
“It looks like you all have this under control.”
Renee tosses a dish towel at me. “You can dry and put away.”
Leah waves her hand dismissively. “Forget it. Rest. You did hostess duty. You can sit there and look gorgeous.”
Heather has her back to me, but I can see the anger from the hard set of her shoulders.
Renee finishes the last dish and hands it to Heather to rinse. Leah has most everything put away.
“Okay, kiddo. That’s it. Renee is going to drive me back to my daughter’s.”
Heather turns around. “I’ll leave with you two.”
“Heather. Come on. Please stay for a minute. I want to talk to you.”
Leah and Renee both hug Heather. I see them to the door and kiss them both. “Thank you for all of your help.”
Renee touches my arm as they walk out. “Maggie gave me her number. It’s not a big deal, but I wanted you to know so you didn’t think I was hiding anything.”