by Unknown
“I gave her something for the pain so she should sleep for a while.”
He locked her door and then dropped down on the other side of the make-shift bed.
“Thanks,” he said as he dropped his hand gently on the dog’s head and rubbed her ear. “It looks like someone used her for fighting.”
“She was probably a bait dog – she’s at least fifteen pounds underweight – they’d have kept a winning dog in better shape,” Riley muttered angrily. “I’m glad you brought her here. A vet would have called animal control and they’d probably euthanize her if they suspected she was used for fighting.”
They both fell silent as they imagined what the dog had been through. Gabe glanced around the room and stopped when he saw a pile of empty boxes sitting in the corner. A chill settled over him when he realized what they were.
“What are those for?” he asked, silently hoping he was wrong.
She dropped her eyes to the dog but stopped stroking her. “I’m leaving Gabe. Next weekend. I gave my notice to Nell last week.”
“Are you going back home?” he asked, his voice sounding uneven.
“No, California. I got in touch with one of the girls I went to school with and she was telling me that the clinic she works for is hiring another tech. I interviewed with them over the phone and got the job.”
“What about staying off the grid?”
“I love working at Nell’s but it’s not who I am. I worked too hard to get where I am. I’m not letting Paul or anyone else take that from me.”
“Have you seen or heard from him at all?”
She shook her head. “Have you?” So she had figured out what he and his friends had been doing. “Come on Gabe, it’s not like you and your friends really blend in.”
He laughed. “How long have you known?”
“Since the first day. I stopped at the drug store after work to pick up a few things. Some old lady had convinced poor Logan to help carry her three boxes of bladder pads to the register. I figured he didn’t routinely hang out in the feminine care aisle at the local drug store.”
Gabe laughed again.
“You really do have good friends Gabe. I mean, I haven’t really met Logan but the fact that he’s willing to follow me around or help fix my apartment up because you asked him to, that’s pretty special. And Shane…” She paused. “Did he tell you he came to see me at the diner a while back?”
He shook his head.
“It was after we…” He loved when she blushed and the fact that should wouldn’t say the words ‘fucked’ or ‘had sex’ reminded him of how innocent she really was.
“He was worried about you. He said you were upset about the way you thought you treated me.”
“He’s got a big mouth.” Gabe wasn’t really mad though.
“I think he was testing me.”
“What do you mean?”
She suddenly got up and went to get something from her purse. He tracked her movements and took the card she handed him before she sat back down.
“He put that in my purse that night at Mac’s.”
Gabe looked at the card and saw Shane’s name on the front. “That son of a bitch!” he grumbled. “He’s hitting on you five minutes after that asshole…”
She could see he was getting worked up so she softly said, “Turn it over.”
He fell silent as his eyes stumbled over the scrawled words.
“I asked him about the card and he told me what he did.”
“But he didn’t tell you that I did the same thing,” he said.
“No, but I think he was trying to figure out what my reaction might be. I think he was trying to put the idea in my head so maybe it wouldn’t be so much of a surprise when I found out about you. That morning, in your kitchen…he was letting me know I failed the test. I was angry that he hadn’t told me everything but afterwards I realized I was wrong to have expected that.”
Gabe fingered the card for a moment. “He saw something in me that night at the bar – he could tell by the way I looked at you, the way I acted, that things were changing. But he knew I’d fight it.”
“Why do you? Fight it, I mean?” The words were barely a whisper and he could see vulnerability in her eyes. She still didn’t understand how deep his feelings ran for her.
He looked down at the dog that was sleeping peacefully between them. He dropped his fingers to one of the larger wounds and brushed the skin next to it gently. “I feel like this on the inside,” he said softly. “Broken, torn up, bleeding.” He trailed his finger down the dog’s side to another gash and her skin twitched lightly at his soft touch but she didn’t wake. “I thought I could fix it if I could just fix things on the outside. I thought that if I could get my mom back, do good in school, get a good job…all those things would fix it.”
Riley didn’t interrupt him but he could feel her soothing presence like a balm. “My mom kept getting worse though and it was getting harder and harder to scrape together the money for her bail or rehab stints. An upperclassmen at school recruited us; me, Shane and Logan. I mean, you ask a twenty-one year old kid if he wants to get paid to have sex…”
He fell silent for a moment and then finally lifted his eyes to meet hers. “I knew there was something wrong with me the first time I did it because I hated every second of it. I remember the woman and there was nothing wrong with her at all; she was older, pretty, experienced. She was just lonely – her husband had died the year before and it was their anniversary and she didn’t want to be alone.”
He felt Riley’s hand take his and he let her. “I made more that night than I had working a month in the university cafeteria. So I kept doing it thinking I would get used to it at some point. It only took me a couple of months to save up enough to send my mom to rehab and when she went, I knew it had all been worth it. She was going to get better and we were going to be a family again.”
“But she left rehab,” Riley guessed.
He nodded his head and dropped his head again. He pulled free of Riley’s hand and dropped his elbows to his bent knees and clasped his hands tightly behind his neck. “The cycle just kept repeating itself. I’m not sure when it happened but at some point something inside of me just shut down. I told my agency I would only see clients who were only looking for a physical connection. I made a rule for myself that I wouldn’t connect with any of the women on any kind of emotional level – I made it about their physical pleasure and nothing else.”
He sucked in a few deep breaths before continuing. “I literally took control and that was what my specialty was. If a woman wanted foreplay or the boyfriend experience or cuddling they were sent to guys like Logan and Shane. I only accepted the ones who played by my rules.” He could sense Riley tensing up next to him as she remembered that he’d used those rules on her. He might as well rip the whole band aid off the seeping wound in his gut.
“It was all a game, a safe place where they could play out their darker fantasies and I could walk away with my sanity and a load of cash. But it kept taking something each time, a little piece of me. I was using them.” He choked on the word ‘using’ and had to take a second to steady his breathing so he could finish this. “I never came inside any of the women, never kissed them, never let them touch me but I made sure they got what they needed. I actually thought that would somehow make it better.”
“And then I met you and I knew I couldn’t give you everything you deserved but at least I could give you what that piece of shit ex of yours couldn’t.” He finally lifted his eyes to meet hers. “I swear that I never thought you were like the others and what happened after we were together that night was because I couldn’t stand to know that I couldn’t be normal with you. And if I can’t be that with you then I can’t be that with anyone.” He dashed angrily at a stray tear. “So to answer your question, that’s why I fight it – because you deserve to be with someone who gives you every part of himself and I can’t. Not won’t, can’t.”
He listened to her
crying softly and he felt ashamed. He made a move to stand but she reached out and grabbed his hand.
“Would you just hold me for a little while Gabe?”
A dull ache thudded in his chest and his throat closed off but he nodded his head. She got up and carefully stepped around the dog. He spread his legs to make room for her and she settled in between them, her back to his front. He wrapped his arms around her and she held on to them with her hands as she snuggled against his chest. She didn’t say anything; she just clung to him and when he finally felt her body relax and drift off into sleep he let himself do the same.
Chapter 12
Riley awoke the next morning to find herself in her own bed, alone. She was still wearing her clothes when she climbed out of bed. She stopped when she realized that the dog was now laying on the couch cushion on the floor alongside her bed. Riley knelt down and checked the animal who started wagging her tail when Riley touched her. It never failed to amaze her how forgiving animals could be. The dog was doing well and she noticed that Gabe had managed to remove the heavy chain around her neck. They’d wanted to do it last night but he didn’t have the tool he would need – he’d have to go to his construction job site to borrow the heavy duty tool that would be able to cut through the thick links. She glanced at the clock next to her bed and saw it was eight a.m. That meant he must have already gone and come back. The man never seemed to sleep.
“Come on sweetheart, let’s get you outside and find you something to eat.”
Riley made a pit stop in the bathroom and then went to the kitchen. There was a big bag of dog food on the counter along with a bowl, collar, leash and a couple of chew toys and treats. Next to everything was a note and her gut tightened at the sight of it. They hadn’t spoken after she’d curled into his arms last night. His words had been heartbreaking and she’d been hurting too much for him to even be able to come up with any words that would have been a sufficient response. She’d just needed to touch him, to feel him wrapped around her so she knew he was safe in that moment.
Her shaky fingers picked up the note.
Riley,
I’m sorry I hurt you last night but you deserved to know the truth about why I can’t be with you. If I could have loved anyone, it would have been you.
Logan will be by later this morning to pick up the dog before you have to leave for work. I’ve decided to name her Bella, by the way. I took her outside already this morning while you were asleep but I wasn’t sure how much to feed her so I only gave her a little bit of the dry food and I left a bowl of water in the kitchen corner for her. Logan will make sure you get to work okay and Shane said he’d check in with you after your shift.
I’m glad you get to go back to doing the work you were meant to do. Good luck in California.
Take care,
Gabe.
P.S. I’ll slide your key under your door.
She looked over to the door and sure enough, the key was there. Still taking care of her even when he walked away. Her knees suddenly felt weak and she dropped to the floor. Bella lay down next to her and put her head in her lap. At least he would have the dog going forward – maybe he wouldn’t be so alone then. But she would be alone. She let out a harsh sob as she realized how easily he could accept the dog in his life, but not her.
Last night, she’d forgiven him the second he asked her if he could stay. In truth, she knew she’d forgiven him even before that because she was hopelessly and completely in love with him. She had wanted to beg him to give them a chance to figure out how to make it work, but when she’d told him about the move he hadn’t asked her to stay. He even wished her luck on the move. In a note. That was it. He had torn her apart by writing that if he’d been able to, he could have loved her. And then he wished her luck on her fucking move.
She felt Bella lick her hand and then she leaned down to drop a light kiss on the dog’s head. “You need to take really good care of him, okay Bella. He needs it,” she whispered to the dog.
***
“You are such a fucking idiot!”
Gabe swung around to see Shane striding across the construction site, oblivious to the other men working around them. Gabe was in the process of moving some supplies into the office building that was being built just north of the city. His hands were full of bags of plaster when Shane punched him, knocking him flat on his ass, the heavy bags hitting the ground.
“What the hell Shane?”
“You’re just going to let her go?”
Gabe put up his hand when he saw some of the other guys move towards them, presumably to step in and help him. The men stopped and stood in a partial circle around them.
“Shane,” he began.
“I stuck up for you with her! I told her not to give up on you and you just fucking walk away!” Shane paced back in forth as he struggled to get his fury under control.
Gabe stood slowly, his eyes on Shane to see if he would attack again.
“I thought it was finally gonna happen,” Shane bit out, his laugh harsh. “I thought you were finally going to get what life owed you.”
“Shane-”
“You shut the fuck up. I get to talk now! I have watched you suffer for ten years and I kept my mouth shut but I’m done!” The men around them slowly drifted off to give them privacy and Gabe was glad because he knew he wasn’t going to like whatever it was that Shane was going to say next. He was surprised when Shane’s voice quieted, almost to the point that Gabe couldn’t hear him. “He wanted better for you than this.”
Gabe sucked in a breath when he realized who Shane was talking about.
“Man, you really didn’t know, did you?” Shane shook his head. “Michael was in love with you.”
Gabe struggled to keep his balance. He shook his head. “No, I would have known.”
“He knew you would never see him that way.” He watched as Gabe bent over as if in pain.
“The drugs…did he start those because of me?” Gabe managed to croak.
“No. That started after he tried to come out to our parents. It didn’t go well which is why he never told you – he couldn’t stand the thought of you turning away from him too.”
“I wouldn’t have.” Gabe straightened, looked at Shane with a mixture of helplessness and confusion and said a little louder, “I wouldn’t have!”
“I know Gabe. He was confused and messed up and I am telling you this because you need to stop blaming yourself for what happened to him. Even if you had been there, the same thing would have happened. He did it on purpose, Gabe.”
Gabe couldn’t stay upright anymore and he dropped down on some steel beams nearby. He shook his head in denial at first but then finally asked “Why?”
Shane sat down next to him. “That night he’d come home for dinner and told our parents he was going to come out in public; that he was tired of hiding who he was. My dad yelled a lot, my mom cried and I just sat there and watched our family implode. But Michael wouldn’t give in, so my dad told him to get out and never come back. He would take everything away, car, money for school, me, everything. Michael left thinking he had nothing.”
Gabe heard Shane swallow back a sob. “I should have followed him. I should have made sure he knew he would always have me.” Before Gabe could comfort him Shane was back up and moving around.
“He took every cent he had and bought as much shit as he could. He filled that syringe to the top with the purest shit he could find – didn’t even manage to get it all in his arm before it stopped his heart.”
Gabe couldn’t process this new reality – it was just too much. “How do you know it wasn’t an accident?”
“He emailed me to say goodbye. Dad had taken my phone and computer away after dinner that night so I couldn’t talk to Michael. I didn’t see the email until after his roommate found his body. I told my parents but they said it would be better if people didn’t know – they’d see him as weak and selfish. I didn’t even stick up for him at the end,” Shane said bitterly.
“You were a kid Shane.”
“Michael would have done what he did whether you were there or not. Let him go. Let your mother go – you tried. You tried harder than anyone else would have to help her but she’s not going to stop. I know you love her, but you don’t have to give up your life for her.”
Gabe had gone stiff at the mention of his mother. “She needs me,” was all he said.
“Do you need her? I know you need your old mom back, the one before the drugs, but do you need who she is now?” At his silence Shane continued. “She’s become your drug Gabe and it’s destroying you.” Shane shook his head as if defeated. “You said you wanted normal, Gabe. Riley is your normal.” With that Shane walked away and Gabe sat there silently and let him go.
Chapter 13
She would miss these hugs, Riley thought as Nell squeezed her so tight she thought it might actually cost her a rib. Nell finally released her and then smacked a kiss on her forehead. “You take care of yourself darling.”
“I’m gonna miss you guys.” Riley wiped away and tear and let out a watery laugh.
Pete grabbed her up into a bear hug too and then Carolanne followed suit. They’d become like her family in just the few weeks she had been here and she would miss them. “Come on honey, I’ll walk you to your car,” Pete said as he threw a beefy arm over her shoulders.
“I got it Pete,” she heard from behind her and though she was glad to hear the familiar voice, it wasn’t the one she’d been wishing for. She turned to face Shane and smiled. He’d been seeing her home for the past several nights. After seeing her safely to her car, he’d follow her home and then walk her to her door. He rarely spoke and he never mentioned Gabe. Logan never spoke of him either though he continued to escort her to work in the mornings.