DONALD
Wherefore thou playest not at ninepins on Saturday, Sir Walter?
WALTER
On our most holy Sabbath I am sworn
To keep tradition, form, and ceremony.
The seventh and the last day rests the Jew;
I labour not, nor ride in chariot,
Nor handle gold, nor even play the cook,
And sure as Providence I do not roll.
Hath not a Jew rights? Hath not a Jew hands,
Organs, bowling-balls, Pomeranians?
If you schedule us, must you not do right?
If we step o’er the line, do we not mark it nought?
Holy Sabbath; I’ll roll not, God-a-mercy.
THE KNAVE
I’ll to my car; I must leave this place. I tire of these arguments and japes.
DONALD
Stay, Knave; I’d hear of how ye handed off to criminals their accursèd spoils.
THE KNAVE
There is naught to tell. All is lost. They did not get their money, and they will kill—
WALTER
Yea, they will kill the woman poor. Alack the day! They will kill the woman poor. Alas, poor woman! They’ll kill her well.
Amateurs.
DONALD
Walter, how dost thou proceed upon the Sabbath?
WALTER
Knave, I stand surprisèd, gall’d, gull-crack’d.
They will kill none, harm none, say none, do none.
Amateurs they, I’ll take it to my grave,
And all Lebowski’s money shall be thine. Be I wrong?
THE KNAVE
Walter, thou hast erred.
WALTER
Nay! For thou hast money in our car,
And they have taken linens mine afar!
My ragged hose bespoil’d, my dirty whites,
My breeches and my foulest-smelling tights!
THE KNAVE
Hark! Look now to where my ride was park’d.
There it’s not; the space is free and dark.
DONALD
Prithee, Walter, who hath thy breeches?
THE KNAVE
Ruin’d! Poor stolen car in a dead man’s space.
My kingdom for a horse to catch these dogs!
The money, gone—mine only transport, gone—
They’ve robb’d me of that which enriches me
And left me poor indeed! Howl! Howl! Howl! Howl!
Call up the watch! O villainy, villainy!
O, I am fortune’s fool, lost all, lost all!
A horse.
Exeunt WALTER and DONALD; enter MAUDE.
You there, close-cropped woman all in green.
Be you shapes and tricks or vile apparition,
Say, why is this? Wherefore? What should we do?
See you the shameful souls of stridence sick
Plunder’d my argosies most grievously?
MAUDE
By Maude Lebowski I am call’d in faith.
I came to you by night in this same place
To be revenged for your ill-gotten prize.
Your jaw was punch’d, your rug whiskèd in haste
Not hours after you had brought it home.
Why doth God make us love His goodly gifts
And snatch them straight away? We’ll know it yet.
I’d have you be my guest in my abode,
My studio of arts, my academe.
THE KNAVE
Lo, the rug Lebowski gave to me?
Thou art the lady caused me injury.
So I’ll with you to see about my carpet,
And hope for fairer wind about my chariot.
Exeunt.
TWO GENTLEMEN
OF
LEBOWSKI
ACT 3
ACT 3
SCENE 1
An artist’s studio. Enter THE KNAVE and MAUDE.
MAUDE
If by my art, my curious friend, I have
Put the wild notions in a roar, so be’t.
What think you on the female form, O Knave?
The woman’s part in me so gallantly
Manifests itself within mine art
Commended by the wise as country work;
I paint only those of my own sex.
The very word is said to bother men,
Discomfort them, encircled in their ring.
It is the very painting of discomfort,
Two legs without a head. I say no thing.
THE KNAVE
I take no awkward pause, nor balk nor stare,
But only ask, askance, what art this is.
I see no ring to mar if I would kiss’t,
But only oily painting I might stain.
The Knave deciphers nothing in its image;
Thy work has made a nihilist of me.
MAUDE
In faith, the art is only what you will,
And if the word can poison not your ear
Then you’re in luck; some men of lesser stuff
Dislike to hear it, dare not speak its name.
Whereas without a flicker of his eye
A man might speak of King Richard the Third,
Or pose an idle sonnet on his rod,
Or praise the wit of his selfsame Johnson.
THE KNAVE
As Benjamin Jonson, lady?
Men with a rod.
MAUDE
Let us speak plain and to the purpose. My father bade you take the rug, but that you chose was, in faith, a gift from me to my departed mother, the happiest gift that ever marquess gave, and thus not his to make a rich and precious gift of. But trifles, trifles; let us speak of this supposed kidnapping. It hath the rankest compound of villainous smell that ever offended nostril.
THE KNAVE
Permit me to explain about the rug—
MAUDE
What cares have you, Lebowski, upon love?
THE KNAVE
Alack, lady, thy question does me vex.
MAUDE
The physicality of making love;
I’d have you tell me if you like it well.
A myth persists on women of my stripe,
That our body politic renders us in hate
Of acts of love; a most injurious lie.
The enterprise can have in it much zest.
But men who walk with satyrs in the morn
And women swimming nightly ’twixt the nymphs
Are punishèd by Oberon for sin
And do the deed compulsively engaged,
Sans joy, sans love, sans everything.
THE KNAVE
Prithee nay!
A woman (l.) with a satyr.
MAUDE
So damn’d a soul is Bonnie; I have heard
That lustful creatures sitting at a play
Have by the cunning language of the scene
Been struck so to the soul that presently
They have proclaim’d their infatuations.
I’ve had these players make their show for you,
Suiting the action to the word indeed.
It shall be called ‘Log Jamming’, because
It hath bared bottom; but hark—the players.
So please your grace, the Prologue is address’d.
Enter OLIVER as the PLAYER KARL HUNGUS, BONNIE as the PLAYER WHORE, and a PLAYER QUEEN.
PLAYER QUEEN
Two women, both alike in beauty,
In fair Verona where we lay our scene,
From broken cable break to new nudity,
Where civil breasts touch civil hands unclean.
The which if you Jaques Treehorn’s play attend,
What this fine miss and whore shall strive to mend.
Cable, unbroken.
THE KNAVE
She hath rid her prologue like a rough colt.
MAUDE
Such riding you will see the like of, so as to form the beast with two backs. But hark; here is the poor player that struts and frets to play Karl Hungus upon the stag
e.
OLIVER
I rode to thee dispatched with all speed.
The cable broke, the holding-anchor lost.
THE KNAVE
Marry, I know that man; he is a nihilist.
MAUDE
And is her face familiar to you;
Familiar and by all means vulgar?
BONNIE
Knock, knock! Never at quiet. Here’s a man of repair; I should have old turning his key. Hark to my noble kinswoman, here to travail in a shower brought up by a tempest of the soul.
PLAYER QUEEN
Hast thou, traveller, perform’d to mend the cable that she bade thee?
MAUDE
This is the silliest stuff that ever I heard.
THE KNAVE
I wonder if he be to fix the cable.
A man and woman, neither one fixing the cable.
MAUDE
Be not fatuous, Geoffrey. It matters not
A fig to me if Bonnie be a whore,
Nor that she courts the merry Jaques Treehorn,
To use the happy parlance of our times.
But our good name Lebowski is such stuff
As dreams are made on for a host of youth
Whose education our foundation builds,
And proud we are indeed of all of them.
My father stole much money from these babes
To pay the thieves to purchase back his wife.
The fornicator, devilry-compulsed,
Hath took my father on her sinful ride.
As for thy rug, I charge thee with a task;
My father’s crime too loathsome for the law,
His scandal being ruinous to our name,
I bid thee find the money that thou pass’d
These villains and return it to my keep;
I’ll pay thee handsomely in fine reward
That thou canst purchase any rug thou wilt.
THE KNAVE
The task is right in purpose and in law,
But wherefore didst thou crack me on my jaw?
MAUDE
Pardons, good Geoffrey. I know of a learnèd doctor to examine thee, with no physician’s bill expressly charged. He is an honourable man, and thorough.
_____________
THE KNAVE
Thy thought is kind.
MAUDE
See the doctor, he’s honourous and thorough;
After thou returnst to thy good borough.
Exeunt severally.
SCENE 2
Upon the road. Enter THE KNAVE, with a beverage; opposing, enter BRANDT and LEBOWSKI (on his cart).
LEBOWSKI
Speak, and speak quickly, foul vagrant!
THE KNAVE
I beseech ye, there be a beverage here.
BRANDT
Our attempts to reach thee have been frantic and numerous, Knave.
LEBOWSKI
Whither my money? Thou were under thy master’s command transporting a sum of money. Thou liest, thou shag-hair’d villain! Thou odious maggot! Her life was in thy hands!
A maggot.
BRANDT
Verily, this be our concern, Knave.
THE KNAVE
Pray, naught is bespoil’d here—
LEBOWSKI
Naught is bespoil’d? Zeus’s noble chariot hath crashed into yonder mount!
THE KNAVE
We, forsooth, the ‘we’ of royalty,
Did drop the money as instructed hence.
But certain things reveal’d to breaking light,
Occurring not to ye; of nature such
That blaming me will win ye not the lass.
LEBOWSKI
What dost thou prattle on, O blith’ring fool?
THE KNAVE
I speak of information borne anew!
I blither of the new stuff come to light!
Know ye she hook’d herself away? ’Tis true!
A lady happy fair, spurn’d, thou knowest,
In the parlance of our time, ne’er borrower
Nor lender be, to known nymphs and satyrs;
Yet I am well, I am well. She must feed
A wilderness of monkeys; occurr’st that?
A monkey.
LEBOWSKI
In faith, Master Lebowski, it occurr’d not.
BRANDT
It had not occurr’d to us, Knave.
THE KNAVE
That it occurr’st not to ye, I forgive, for ye be privy not to the new stuff; that is why I am charged. As such, might we speak of settling accounts? Mine equerry feareth for mine excises.
_____________
LEBOWSKI
Present to him the worst and least wholesome envelope, Squire Brandt.
BRANDT gives the envelope to THE KNAVE; within, a toe.
O Knave! Since thou hast failed to achieve
The brief and modest task that was thy charge,
Stolen my pelf, and still betray’d my trust,
I’ve told these varlets thou hast took their prize,
Encouraged them to seize their bond from thee.
With good Squire Brandt as witness to my vow
I promise thee that any harm to Bonnie
Shall visit tenfold time upon thy head.
Ope thy parcel, sinner! See her toe,
Chopp’d off from her and still bepainted green.
Now it is said; ’tis all thou needs must know—
For I will not abide another toe.
Exeunt severally.
SCENE 3
A tavern.
A tavern near the bowling green. Enter THE KNAVE and WALTER.
WALTER
My lord, I do deny it is her toe.
THE KNAVE
Whose toe be it, if not my lady’s toe?
WALTER
Vexatious problem that, but not of heft.
There’s naught to indicate the lady’s harm’d.
THE KNAVE
The fresh green paint of fairest Bonnie’s nail!
WALTER
Marry, sir, nail-painting, rugs, and urine.
A man may paint the white toe green, tell her,
Paint an inch thick, to this favour she must come.
THE KNAVE
And where might a man fetch a toe?
WALTER
O toe!
Thou wouldst have a toe? A toe can be obtain’d.
Ways are known, Knave. Thou wilt not like to hear.
I’ll have a toe for thee this afternoon
Ere singeth cockerel at three o’clock.
These amateurs would have us soil’d with fear.
THE KNAVE
They’ll kill her, Walter, ere they turn on me.
WALTER
Thy stress is great, imper’ling thy reason;
This be a string of crimes with victims none.
THE KNAVE
But thou hast not explain’d the cursèd toe!
WALTER
I pray you, think no more upon the toe!
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
I remind ye, sirs, to acquire and beget a temperance that may give thy voices smoothness, trippingly on the tongue. This tavern be a place of family business.
WALTER
Nay! The Courts consider’d prior restraint
And smote it thus; I’ll speak my chosen piece.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
If patience cannot calm thy storm forthwith
Fain would I bid thee leave my tavern-door.
WALTER
My friends did die face-down in mire and muck
That you and I might trade within these walls.
THE KNAVE
Nay, I’ll none; I take my leave without.
Exeunt all but WALTER, severally.
WALTER
Knave, prithee stay! This doth affect our tale!
Our freedom’s base! I’m finishing my ale.
Exit.
SCENE 4
THE KNAVE’s house. THE KNAVE is in his bath.
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THE KNAVE
I am conducted to a gentle bath.
Will all great Neptune’s ocean wash this Knave
Clean from the land?
_____________
Forsooth! This be a place
Of residence, and much a private place.—
O excellent marmot!
Alarums. Enter OLIVER and the two NIHILISTS, bearing a marmot.
A marmot.
OLIVER
Anon, we crave the money, Lebowski.
We speak in neither jest nor fallacy.
We could do such stuff as dreams do feature,
Believing in nothing; empty and void.
Tomorrow if thou hast the ransom not
We shall recourse, and off thy Johnson cut.
Exeunt severally.
SCENE 5
The tavern at the bowling green; enter THE KNAVE, WALTER, and DONALD, to sit at the bar.
THE KNAVE
My car is found, but treasure none within’t,
Although the constable has sworn to find’t.
My inquiries of leads led him to mirth
As if my misery and woes to scorn.
O piteous Knave!—My only hope remains
That in his anger, the Lebowski big
Kills me ere these Germans cut my lance.
WALTER
Ridiculous, good Knave. Thou knowest well
That no man makes thee eunuch while I live.
Naught hath changed; these German swine are cruel,
Three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses,
Mere usurpers, tyrants, and what’s worse.
DONALD
Were’t they tyrants, Knave?
WALTER
They meant to geld the lily, Sir Donald!
Split never hairs tonight. Or be I wrong?
THE KNAVE
Nay; not tyrants. Nihilists to a man.
They believe in nothing; nothing will come of ’t.
WALTER
Nihilists! I am beshrewn. Say what thou wilt
Of tyrant’s tenets, Knave; it seeks to stand
Philosophy and politic, not void.
And let it noted be that wildlife kept,
Amphibious rodent, in domestic walls,
Is retrograde to right and civil laws.
THE KNAVE
Art thou a forester? A woodcutter yet, or shepherd of the flock?
Who cares a fig for th’accursed marmot?
WALTER
I speak only to sympathise, Knave.
THE KNAVE
I need no sympathy or pitied whine.
That which I need is only Johnson mine!
DONALD
Wherefore needest thou that, O Knave?
WALTER
Be of good cheer, friend. Wouldst thou enter the tourney so sad?
Two Gentlemen of Lebowski Page 4