by Lara Swann
I’m pretty sure that by ‘crazy’ he means voicing an opinion or showing the slightest emotion, but I let it go. Because as he was talking, something else entirely has started to occur to me.
Something that might just make this work.
If my parents actually want her…
I grin.
“Thanks brother.”
I jump up and start walking away, stepping light and freely for the first time in what feels like forever.
If I couldn’t work it out before - everything he’s just said has finally made it clear.
I want Hanna. And more than that - I need her. They’re right about how much she’s changed me, and I can’t imagine continuing without her.
This was never fake for me, and even if it was for her…I’m going to prove that she needs me just as much.
“See?” I hear my brother muttering behind me, and I glance over my shoulder to see him shaking his head.
I call back as I open the door to the stairwell.
“Oh, and I’m going to hold you to that promise about letting me back in the country if this all goes wrong!”
Chapter Twenty-Four
Hanna
It takes a while, but I think my parents finally forgive me.
The journey back is long and awkward, and despite being relatively comfortable in a car, taking adequate overnight stops and not being sleep-deprived…I think it’s worse than the one on the way out here.
We don’t say much to each other. I’d like to think that there’s not much to say…but it’s actually the opposite. There’s so fucking much to say. Too much. And none of us know how to do it.
I keep saying “I’m sorry” and I know every time that it’s not enough. I want so desperately for it to work, but…some things don’t work like that.
We get back to the US and I’m totally miserable.
I keep replaying the way I left, the way Derek saw me walk out, the fact I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye to him…that I never said sorry to him either. I did to his father, but…I couldn’t even bring myself to look at Derek.
And who knows if I’ll ever see him again now? I’m pretty sure he won’t be coming back to Boston next year, and if I tried to turn up in Aldora I imagine I’ll be stopped at the border, barred completely from the country.
Not that I’ll be turning up at Aldora’s border. It’s a stupid thought. But I keep having stupid thoughts like that.
No, I’m not going anywhere. Not for a long, long time.
I’m more grounded than I’ve ever been in my life. Where grounded counts for double, because there have been threats that I’m never allowed on a plane again, ever.
I don’t think I’ve actually been grounded since I became an adult - in fact, I’m not even sure I can be - but I guess there are exceptions for everything, and I’m not going to argue. I deserve it.
Even if Carly has absolutely flipped her shit.
Calling her to tell her our dream trip was off wasn’t fun…not fun in the slightest. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone so devastated, and I just keep thinking that she put everything into it over the last month. All her time, all her energy…everything.
I don’t even tell her about Derek and I - about how I’m devastated too, because…well…it seems unfair, when I’ve just ruined all of her plans and hopes and dreams.
Okay, maybe I haven’t quite done that. But it still feels like it, to me.
We tell each other we’re definitely going to go, eventually. That it was always a fluke to go this year. But it doesn’t help as much as we want it to…we’re still both bitterly disappointed.
Or, at least, I’m sure I would be if I could think about anything other than Derek. And Aldora.
I don’t tell Carly that I was having second thoughts about leaving for our trip at all, towards the end there. And I think about how much I could use the distraction of a tour around Europe right now. Except our dream trip was never meant as a distraction. It was meant as the experience of a lifetime.
I just…I feel like I’ve already had that.
And I feel doubly bad for Carly, because she never even got to set foot on the continent.
At least you got to see Aldora.
A lot of it is already booked, and I tell her she could just go herself…but it was our trip and she’s not going without me. I can’t help appreciating that, even as it makes me feel more guilty. Instead, she calls around everywhere and begs and pleads to cancel - and, apparently, when you’re booking through an Aldoran Prince’s bank account and going to the nicest places…that’s actually quite easy.
But after I get that conversation out of the way, Carly and I don’t message for a while. We’re both upset, in our own ways, and using the same apps and messengers that we were using to plan the trip almost feels too painful. Besides, I know if we talk too much, she’ll sense something is up with me, and then I’ll have to tell her the whole story about Derek. And I’m not sure I can face that right now.
So, life is shit.
I don’t get the European trip I’ve always dreamed of.
I don’t get Derek.
It feels like somehow I’ve lost everything. Just like that.
Or maybe I’ve just lost Derek - and that feels like everything.
My parents and I skirt around each other and the whole subject for a while. I explain everything to them - what happened, how it happened, why I did it…
And while I do, I find myself wanting to tell them little things - about Aldora, the crazy ceremonies, the fascinating people…everything I’ve seen and done. But I don’t, because the easy, open conversation and interesting discussions we’ve always had have dried up for the moment.
So instead, I just tell them what I did, and why, and that I’ve learned my lesson and I’ll never be so stupid again. I think they’re disappointed in me for deceiving a whole country, more than anything - but then, I’m disappointed in me for that, too.
I keep imagining what the people I started getting to know in Aldora will say when they hear about all this.
Simeon, and Nicolas, and the castle chef, and that guy who could always point me in the right direction in the library, and…Adele…
I try not to think of Adele. How much she helped me, or how disappointed she’ll be now. I hope she’s okay. I hope she had her operation and she’s already springing around the castle again. And I hope someone thinks to move her to a part of the castle with no god-damn steps. Nicolas probably will. He’s good at that sort of thing.
But eventually, I think I spend enough time moping around the house, feeling upset and confused and devastated, that my parents start actually feeling sorry for me. The uncomfortable silences turn into small attempts at smiles, little touches to let me know it will be okay and we’ll get over this.
I appreciate it, but it doesn’t really help. As upset as I am about lying to them, that’s not really what’s bothering me.
They seem to notice that too - but it’s not until they start dropping subtle reassurances that I probably will get to go to Europe eventually, and that Carly will get over it, that I can’t hold it back anymore.
It feels painful just knowing how much I’ve upset them, and what I’ve put them through in the last couple of weeks - and then seeing them go from ‘you are never leaving this country again’ to trying to make it obvious that they didn’t mean that entirely literally just because I’m so distraught…trying to make me feel better for the mess I created, and fully deserve…
I break down.
I don’t tell them why, exactly, for a long time…but I literally have days alone with them in the house.
Eventually, they get it out of me.
I tell them about Derek. About what happened between us. And about how I think I might have gotten my heart broken by a stupid European guy after all.
And…somehow, it helps. Just a bit.
I get a lot of teasing comments intended to make me feel better.
‘Wait, so you’re
telling us this fake engagement was real after all, huh?’
‘I knew we were right to worry about her running off with some European boy, Pat.’
‘Going to have to send you with a chaperon on the next trip.’
They sort of work, too. I can see how it must all look kind of amusing to them - even though the reality is pretty heart-wrenching.
But it makes things easy enough between us that I feel like we can talk again, and that takes some of the heavy weight off me.
They try to look after me the way they always have. Mom offers me ice cream and shopping trips and curls up to eat chocolate and watch movies with me. Dad points out all the reasons it’s a good thing I got away, which in this case…is easier than most.
“A Princess, Hanna? Really? I don’t think you would’ve enjoyed that for more than the few weeks you were there.”
I don’t point out that I didn’t enjoy it at all…until towards the end. When I started actually feeling connected to the people and country.
“And from what you’ve said…Aldora wouldn’t be a fun place to live, sweetie. It seems a little bit…backward.”
I just think of all the ways Derek wanted to change it, the things I started thinking he really could do.
“And that man.” Mom adds. “The King. He was awful. That’s not the sort of family you want to join.”
Part of me can’t believe they’re casually discussing the relative merits of my engagement - my engagement - to Derek. Like it’s a real thing. Like that’s no longer a surprise to them.
I guess over the last few weeks, they’ve had time for it to go from terrible and outrageous to a kind of funny thing our daughter did. Weird, but that’s how they’ve always dealt with this parenting thing.
My Dad squeezes me on the shoulder and tells me it will work out in the end.
And I feel my heart leap, because for one stupid moment I think he means it will work out between Derek and I. But he doesn’t, of course. He means I’ll get over Derek and find someone else and life will work out how it should.
I fucking hate that idea.
But having their warmth and care surround me still makes me feel better, and I don’t say any of the stupid or dramatic things I’m thinking. I just try to appreciate it. At least I haven’t totally wrecked our relationship.
They’ve dealt with my heart-break before, and they think they know how to help.
It’s just that what I don’t say is that all that seems like silly, teenage drama now.
I’ve never felt so empty and alone and upset and devastated about losing someone before.
I’ve never had anyone who made me feel like Derek, and every day I wake up without him beside me - without him to talk to or touch or laugh at or mess around with - is day I feel even more bereft than before.
And unlike all those other times, I can’t even imagine simply getting over him.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Derek
“I’m going to America.”
I stand there calmly and I just tell them. For once in my life, I don’t ask, I don’t suggest - I just announce what I’m going to do.
My father’s eyes almost bug out of his head.
“You are not.”
“I’m going to find Hanna, and I’m going to do it properly this time.” I continue, as if he hadn’t said anything.
“I said - you’re not. I’m not letting you out of this country again.”
“Don’t you think that you and that girl have played enough games already, Derek? You’ve caused enough trouble, and it’s going to take long enough to move past this as it is.” My mother says, in a long-suffering, resigned kind of way.
“Yes - exactly.” I say, my tone firm. “I’ve played enough games, and I’m done with that. I love Hanna. I want her—”
“This isn’t about what you want.” My father’s tone is almost disgusted.
“Yes, father, it is. Because in this case - what I want, and what my country needs…it’s the same thing.” I insist. “You saw how the people reacted to her. Even the court warmed to her at the end - and do you really want to turn around and tell them that you lost the first Princesca-attenciano in years who might actually have worked out?”
“I didn’t lose anyone—”
I interrupt him again. I’m not done.
“Wouldn’t it be so much easier if I could, eventually, get her to consider becoming our Princesca? Convince her to come back?”
“Consider!” He practically splutters. “Convince! No girl should have to be convinced to be—”
“But Hanna does.” I say. “She never wanted to be a Princess.”
That shuts him up. For the first time in my life, I think he’s dumbfounded enough that he can’t say anything. I guess it’s not that surprising - pretty much any girl in Aldora would do anything for the chance to be considered as a Princesca-attenciano.
I take that gap to actually explain to them what I intend to do. What I’ve thought about doing for the last several days, after that conversation with Nicolas. And what I’m going to do regardless of what any of them say now.
“Hanna came here and learned our customs, fit around our people and our country. She let me present her as a Princesca-attenciano and she went through all the ceremonies…she passed, father. You know it as well as I do - she did everything we required of her. In the eyes of our country, she is fit to be my Princess.”
I give a small prayer of thanks towards Nicolas, who is sitting there watching, not saying a thing. Without him, I wouldn’t have known any such thing - and I hope that it’s still true as I continue. That’s what the whole argument pretty much hangs on.
“So now I’m going to go to her country and pursue her in the way that is customary in America. I’m going to talk to her parents. Get to know the people that matter to her. Win their acceptance the way that she has won ours. I’m going to live there, and spend time with her, and understand what she wants from her life. And then see whether we can figure out a way for this to work. Our different countries. Our different customs. Our different lives. And hopefully - at the end of it - I’m going to bring back a Princesca.”
They all look stunned now - even Nicolas. I don’t think anything like it ever occurred to them. Hell, until recently - it hadn’t occurred to me.
But Hanna is a bit of an exception. She’s not from here, but we treated her as if she were an Aldoran Princesca-attenciano. No one ever thought about whether her customs should be important too - but I’ve made that decision for us. They are. They should be. And I’m going to make sure we do things both ways.
“You…but you…can’t…” My father looks so thoroughly out of his depth that for the first time, I almost feel sorry for him.
“I can, father. And I’m going to.”
I’m not asking. I mean this - with every part of me.
“It’s…not a bad idea.” Nicolas says slowly.
And I know the words are for father, not me - because when I meet his eyes, very briefly, I see the faint glint of approval there.
“Nicolas…” Father begins, but doesn’t seem to know what to follow it with.
“We’d already decided that Hanna would be the right Princesca for Derek. If…their union is delayed, that’s better than having to do this again - and telling everyone that she rejected us.”
“What do we tell everyone - the court?” My mother asks, and my heart leaps as I realize the conversation has suddenly shifted from what to how.
“You tell them what I told you.” I say. “That Hanna has passed our requirements and been accepted as my Princesca - and now I am going to spend time in her country, passing their requirements.”
My father shakes his head. “They’ll never—”
“They’ll never have expected it.” I interrupt. “They’ll be shocked. But, when they think about it, they’ll understand too.”
This is new ground - something we’ve never done before. If the royal family announce that this is how it’s goi
ng to be done, this is how it will be done.
And he knows that. He just doesn’t want to be convinced.
“How long will it take?” I think, somehow, my mother already is.
I can’t help smiling, just a little.
“I don’t know. As long as it does - but you should probably prepare to wait for a while. They’re not so big on the married within a month thing in America.”
Part of me can’t believe I’m actually talking about marriage when it comes to Hanna. The rest of me thinks nothing has ever felt so natural or right.
I don’t even know whether she wants this - whether she’s going to welcome me back there at all. But I have the time to pursue her properly - to date her and show her just what we can do, together. And eventually, I’m hoping she’ll open up to the idea of coming back to Aldora. To maybe being a Princess to my people, as well as my girlfriend, or fiancee, or…wife.
“I see.” My father says, eyes narrowed at me. “And is this time period, by any chance, going to line up with all the studying you want to do there?”
Probably.
The thought is almost elated, as I wonder whether I’m actually going to come away from this with everything I might have wanted.
I don’t say it though.
“I don’t know.” I repeat, perfectly innocently.
Nobody buys it, but they don’t argue with me. Not even my father, who - in the last several minutes - seems to have gone from disbelieving and in complete denial…to some slow form of acceptance.
I don’t know why - I was prepared and fully expecting to leave without that - but…it’s oddly satisfying.
And as I do turn to leave, it occurs to me that this is probably one of the few serious discussions I’ve had with my family that didn’t end in disaster.
I meet Nicolas’s eyes as I turn, and I’m not sure what passes between us, but I suddenly feel excited for the future.
For all the endless possibilities that spread out before me now that Hanna could really be part of all of them.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Derek