“Oh hey, Tristan! You’re back. Good,” Dylan says. “I was just wondering if any of you are hungry? I know this awesome pizza place down the street. They serve slices as big as regular-sized pizzas at other places. Their pizza’s delicious.”
“I’m starving,” Juliet says.
“Me too,” Tristan says after a moment. I search his face trying to figure out what he thinks I should do. But his expression is blank. Unreadable.
“No, I’m fine. I got a lot to do,” I finally say.
“Awe, c’mon, Alice. Please come.” Dylan puts his arm around my shoulder as if I’m his oldest friend. “Pretty please?”
“Yeah, c’mon,” Juliet says. “It’ll be fun.”
“I don’t know.” I stand my ground.
“This is our first official activity as suite mates and you have to be a part of it.” The tone in Dylan’s voice changes. He’s more serious now. But still joking.
“Listen, if she doesn’t want to go, she doesn’t have to go,” Tristan says. It sounds like he’s taking my side, but something in the way that he says it irks me. He’s the one who dumped me. Why should I be the one staying home and not going out? Fuck him.
“Okay, I’ll go,” I say.
“Awesome!” Dylan jumps up in excitement. He wraps his arms around me and gives me a big kiss on my cheek.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Tristan’s crestfallen face. All of a sudden, I feel as light as a feather.
6
Tristan goes to get the elevator and I stay behind and wait for Juliet and Dylan to get their wallets.
“How are you feeling? Are you okay?” she asks when she comes out. I shrug.
“What’s wrong?” Dylan asks. Juliet gives him the broad strokes.
“Tristan is your ex-boyfriend? Holy shit. That’s awkward.”
“Yep.” I nod. “As of two weeks ago. I tried to go change rooms, but there are no other rooms available apparently. So I’m stuck here with him.”
“Hey, hey, hey. I take personal offense at that, girlie. Yes, it’s fuckin’ awkward as hell to live with your ex, but he’s not your only roommate. There’s also Juliet and I. And we’re pretty awesome. I’m sure that you’ll be convinced of that by the end of dinner.”
My mouth salivates at the thought. Though I’ve already officially had dinner with my parents, I don’t count it as dinner. The portions were minuscule and the conversation was treacherous.
When we get to the pizza place, I quickly realize that Dylan was not in fact exaggerating about the size of those slices. They’re huge. Very thin with not too much cheese, but enormous nevertheless. I order one and it looks like a whole 20” pizza at home, only in slice form. Luckily, the plates and tables are equally large and we have room to spread out with our slices.
I avoid Tristan’s gaze practically the whole dinner. And he does well in avoiding mine as well. Instead, we both concentrate on Dylan and Juliet, who have enough to talk about for all of us. Dylan talks about running track in high school and summering in the Hamptons. Juliet moans about her dad’s decision to buy a house on the Jersey Shore instead of the Hamptons.
“The Hamptons aren’t that great.” Dylan tries to comfort her.
“Oh please, don’t give me that.” She waves her hand as if she’s insulted.
“What?” Dylan laughs taking another big bite of pizza.
“I hate people who pretend the Hamptons aren’t that great even more than people who actually summer there! It’s like those girls who pretend that they don’t like diamonds. Am I right?” she turns to me.
I shrug. “Sorry, I’m the wrong person to ask. I’ve never been to the Hamptons. And I don’t really like diamonds.”
Juliet looks at me as if I’m insane. “Oh, you’re impossible!”
“All in all, I think that has been a great first day, wouldn’t you say?” Juliet asks me as she gets undressed. I’m already lying in bed, reading on my phone.
“It could’ve been better.” I shrug. “But I do like you and Dylan.”
She laughs. “I don’t know about Tristan. He’s difficult to read. What’s he like?”
She catches me off-guard. I don’t know what to say.
“You know him really well, right? I was just wondering. He seems quiet.” She puts on a pair of blue pajamas and a tank top and climbs into bed.
“I don’t really know. I don’t really know who he is anymore,” I say. I know she’s waiting for me to elaborate. So I take a moment to consider the question.
“No, he’s not really quiet. Not at all. He’s loud and opinionated. He’s headstrong. I don’t know why he seems quiet. Well, no. I know; it’s because of me. He definitely didn’t expect to find me living here, either.”
“So, what did happen between you two? Tell me everything.”
It would take a whole night to tell her everything.
“We were childhood friends. Best friends, really. For many years. And then in 11th grade, we finally started dating. There was this thing building up within for a few years before that. We told each other everything. Hung out all the time. I had a crush on him forever. But then in 11th grade, he suddenly kissed me. And everything fell into place.
“We dated for two years. It was hard. His family moved to San Francisco the year before our senior year because his dad got a really lucrative job at an education technology start up.”
“His parents made him move his senior year? That’s rough!”
“Yeah, it was. At first, he was going to stay with a friend, but that didn’t work out. But he’s got two little brothers; they’re in elementary school. So it’s not just him that his parents had to consider.”
“So what happened?”
“Well, we decided to continue our relationship. Long distance. He came down for Christmas and then for the whole summer. He stayed at a friend’s house.”
I stopped talking and looked at the ceiling. It was an old popcorn ceiling, and it reminded me of the kind of ceilings they have in shady motels. I couldn’t go any further. I wasn’t ready. But Juliet wanted to know more.
“So?” she asks. I look over at her. She’s lying on her stomach with her arms wrapped around one of the ten throw pillows she piled on her bed. She’s on the edge of her seat. I try to make this quick.
“To tell you the truth, I don’t really know, Juliet. I thought everything was fine. It seemed fine. And then he just came to me one day and said we had to talk. We talked and talked. For like six hours. And the whole time we were talking, I had no idea we were breaking up. Not really. It just felt like I was helping him with something. Like he was feeling insecure, or lost, and I was there to support him. For a couple of hours, I seriously thought we were talking about his problems with his mother. But then at the end, he said that he thinks he needs space. Needs time to figure things out. Wants to be alone.”
“So how did you end up at the same school?”
“We’d wanted to go to New York forever. It was always our dream. We applied to both Columbia and NYU. And when we both got into Columbia, we were both over the moon. There was no question about it really. And so when the breakup happened, I didn’t think it was right for me to change my mind about it. I said to myself, it’s a huge city. Big campus. 30,000 students. There’s no way I’m going to run into him. Little did I know that I was actually going to be assigned to live with him!”
Suddenly, I start to laugh. Juliet joins me. The whole situation is so tragic it’s actually comical.
7
My parents left two days ago. The goodbye was a lot sadder than I’d anticipated. At least for my mom. My mom is a woman who rarely cries. She’s such a positive person that she actually participated in one of those gratitude challenges online last year where you spend every day of the month writing thank-you letters to various people in your life for all the things that you’re grateful for in life. My mom always looks at the bright side of things, or at least tries to, but I could see that saying goodbye to me was really tough on her
.
I’d promised to call and text every day and we promised to Skype at least once a week. That seemed to make her feel a little better and it made me happy. I don’t like seeing my mom sad.
My dad on the other hand was much easier to say goodbye to. It’s not that we’re not so close, it’s just that things are more complicated with us. He’s a very regimented person who doesn’t suffer fools easily. Sometimes I think that he thinks that I’m fool for the life choices that I’m making. Especially, when he says things like “why am I spending $50 grand on an education that you can get for free by getting a library card?”
There’s no answer to that. No, there are many valid answers. A humanities education teaches you how to think. It teaches you how to you reason. How to make decisions. I’ve tried many of those in numerous prior conversations. Result?
“If a humanities education teaches you how to think, then why isn’t it clear to you that you need to major in something that will give you some way of supporting yourself in the future? I mean, what are you going to do after graduating with an English Lit degree? Serve coffee in a café?”
That was just one of the brilliant gems of wisdom that I heard in one of our millions of conversations on the topic. For some reason, my college major has been a topic of conversation for over four years of my life already. Even before I started college!
My mom says that he says those things because he cares. But I think if he cares so much, why doesn’t he just support me in pursuing my dreams? That’s what people do who actually care.
“Hey, Alice?” Dylan taps me on the shoulder. I’m standing in line to get my student ID. I should’ve gotten it earlier, but I’ve been dragging my feet for two days trying to avoid running into Tristan.
Dylan was stunningly handsome with full soft lips. He’s even hotter in the light of day.
“I haven’t seen you in two days! Are we roomies or what?” He puts his arms around my shoulders and gives me a big bear hug. He feels warm and comfortable, but strong, too. Definitely works out.
“Yeah, sorry about that.” I look at the floor. I don’t know how to explain what’s been going on.
“Tristan, right?” he asks. It’s amazing the relief that you can feel when something so complicated and convoluted is suddenly summed up in two words.
I shrug. Look away. I’m embarrassed.
“Listen, it has nothing to do with you. I’d love to hang out sometime. But Tristan…it’s all very weird for me still.”
“Next!” someone yells in the distance.
“I think that’s you,” Dylan smiles.
“Oh shit, you’re right.” I’m frazzled. I wanted to take a look at myself in the mirror before it was finally my turn. I can’t believe I’d waited for two hours in this stupid line and now I wasn’t even ready. I’m not wearing nearly enough eyeliner and my brows are probably all in disarray.
“You look beautiful,” Dylan reassures me, as if he knows what I’m thinking.
Well, here goes nothing. I take a deep breath, flash him a wide smile, and sit down on the chair in front of the camera.
“Smile,” the woman says and clicks flash before I get the chance to put on my best fake smile.
“Take a look. You only get one redo.”
I walk over to the screen. I look like one of those chimps in a wildlife documentary with a large open-mouth smile that is most disingenuous thing you’ve ever seen. The smile makes me look terrified!
“Another one please.”
Focus, focus, Alice. Don’t be such a spaz. Think of something good. I search my mind for funny image of a dog or cat from a YouTube video. But nothing comes to mind. Suddenly, I look behind the photographer and I see Dylan. He’s still here! He flashes me a smile and I can’t help but smile back.
The photographer snaps the pictures. When I look at it on the screen, I’m stunned. It’s one of the most genuine smiles I’ve ever had photographed.
8
Dylan invites me to lunch. I don’t have class for another hour so we head to a local sushi place a block away from campus. One of the perks of going to school in New York!
At first, we talk about high school and our lives until this point. His aunt and uncle live in LA and he’s been there a few times. I ask him about Worthington, the fancy boarding school he’s gone to for the last three years. Growing up, it had been a dream of mine to go to a boarding school. It’s not that I wanted to get away from my parents or be a grown up so much earlier. I just like the idea of the independence that came with it. Living with roommates. Being responsible for your own laundry. Living on your own terms. But still in a somewhat safe environment with other kids. I share my dream with Dylan. He just laughs.
“It’s not really like that,” he says. “I mean, you do get to be on your own a lot. But it’s a little different when you feel like your parents just shipped you off there because they got tired of you.”
“Really? No, that can’t be true.” I shake my head. “I’m sure you parents love you.”
“Well, unlike you, I didn’t really want to go. I liked my friends and my teachers at the private school near our house. But my parents were getting divorced and my brother was already in Dartmouth. My dad had a new girlfriend and my mom was having a breakdown. I don’t think they wanted me around anymore. At first, I protested and they caved. But then when my mom went to rehab for two months, there was no one at the house to stay with me. So my dad thought it’d be best to send me to boarding school.”
“That sucks,” I say and put my hand on his arm.
“Eh, it’s okay. Rich kid problems, right? I’m fine. I honestly wasn’t even going to talk about this. I never really do. I just didn’t want you to have some illusion of what boarding school is like.”
“Well, to be honest, you haven’t really told me anything bad about boarding schools. Your story was really about parents who want to send their kids to boarding school,” I joke and smile. It takes a beat, but he catches on.
“Well, to be honest with you, boarding schools do have their perks.”
“Oh yeah, like what?” I move to the edge of my seat.
“Well, you get to hang out with girls. And I mean really hang out.”
“Is it co-ed like this?” I ask.
“No, but it’s pretty awesome anyway. They sleep in a different building, but they’re on campus. Away from home. So if you meet someone special, you can sneak out at night and actually hang out. No need to steal your parents’ car or anything like you public school kids do.”
I laugh. The check comes. He insists on covering it. Doesn’t let me even look at it. I fight for a bit, but eventually give in.
“Hey listen, I did want to talk to you about something. I just wanted to let you know that I totally get it about Tristan.”
A cold sweat dashes through me.
“What do you mean?”
“I get it that he’s your ex and that it’s really awkward having him as your roommate. But you know, that doesn’t mean that you don’t have the right to be in the living room.”
“Yeah, I know. I just couldn’t really deal with it yet.”
“I know. But the thing is that he’s there. He’s not acting like he doesn’t belong. And I want you to know that you belong, too. You can’t just go through your whole first semester avoiding him. What kind of college experience would that be?”
I shrug. I haven’t thought about how I was going to go through the whole semester. So far I’ve been living hour to hour.
“Not a good one, that’s for sure.” He flashes his handsome smile. “So I just want you to know that I can be your buffer. I’ll try to hang out in the living room as much as possible so you wouldn’t have to be alone.”
“Wow, I don’t know what to say. Thank you.”
“But I’ll only do it if you promise me that you’ll be there after dinner tonight. You’re not allowed to use school as an excuse.”
I like the way he jokes. It’s not malicious and it’s not at the exp
ense of anyone. His warmth puts me at ease so much that I actually allow myself to imagine what hanging out in the living room with Tristan might be like.
“Okay,” I mumble. “I’ll try.”
“No, promise me you’ll do it. Not just try.”
“Promise,” I say after a while. No feelings of lingering regret creep up. It’s an honest promise.
“Why do you care so much, anyway?” I ask as we walk back to campus.
“’Cause you seem like a fun girl. A fun roommate. And I don’t want to miss out on that just ‘cause you used to date someone at one time.”
That is definitely one way of putting it. I’ve been so much in my own head about this whole Tristan thing, this whole other entity that we became while were together that I didn’t realize that this whole life altering thing could just be described as “I used to date someone at one time.” Putting it that way, gives me a little perspective. Maybe it’s not a big deal after all. Or maybe I shouldn’t make it that big a deal.
My American Lit class is starting soon. I don’t really know where Hamilton Hall is, so I put in the location into the map app on my phone. Dylan’s got American Civilization to the Civil War in the same building at the same time. We follow the app’s instructions, glued to my phone, like all the other freshmen.
“Man, I have to learn the campus layout a bit more before this weekend,” Dylan says when we finally reach the building. “I don’t want to look like a total idiot.”
“Why? What’s this weekend?”
“My girlfriend’s coming to visit me.”
“Oh, you have a girlfriend?” I joke. Not that it should matter, really, but I’m caught off-guard.
“Yes, I have a girlfriend,” he smiles. “Peyton. She goes to Yale. We met at Worthington last year.”
“How far is Yale from here?”
“About two hours, depending on traffic, if you drive. But she’s taking the train. So that’ll be about 3 hours.”
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