by Cassie Mae
I jog back to my team and sit down to do a little stretching.
“You’re staying, right, Kate?” Crissy asks as she reaches for her right leg. Wow, she’s much more flexible than I am. Oh to be young again.
“Staying where?” I grunt as the muscle in my leg pulls.
“Tonight.” Crissy laughs and looks to Nancy, whose eyes are focused hard on mine.
Crap, that’s right. I’m double-booked. When I was trying to get the yearbook pages done in the lobby of the hotel last night so I didn’t keep my teammates up, I forgot to give Brit a call. But I really want to go to Brit’s party.
“I thought you said yesterday you were staying,” Nancy reminds me with a little heat to her voice.
My eyes graze over my team. I should feel flattered they all want me there, but mostly I just feel annoyed. Though that’s not what this team needs right now.
“I’ll have to talk with my dad. I don’t think he was planning on staying another night.”
“Oh, we can bring you home,” Crissy offers.
It takes everything I have not to grunt in frustration.
“We’ll work it out later,” I say, leaving my answer wide open for interpretation.
Coach claps her hands and walks among us. “Okay girls, everyone up. Let’s pass the ball around.”
This game is far more difficult than the first one. In fact, tied with two minutes to go is not where we want to be.
The right defender passes it to me in the middle, and with a touch of my foot I shuffle it to Jasmine, the outside midfielder. She taps it to the right, fakes the pass, and darts down the sideline with the ball. There’s no way her defender can catch up; Jasmine’s the fastest girl in the state.
The clock is ticking. My defender is stuck to me as we sprint down the field. She’s got my jersey in her hand; I feel her breath on my skin.
“Cross it to the middle!” Coach yells.
With one last touch, Jasmine rifles it to the middle of the box. With my height, I’m almost always the tallest on the field, and when the ball is in the air, I’m expected to be the first person to touch it.
I give my defender a little push, creating the slightest bit of distance. With two long strides I leap into the air, head first, and make contact with the ball. As I fall to the ground, it's impossible to see whether my header hit the mark. But by the time I’ve landed, sprawled out on the hard grass, I hear the crowd go wild. My teammates mob me, piling on top to the point where I might be crushed to death. I can’t hear, I can’t breathe, but I don’t care. We’re going to win!
“That’s my girl.” Coach slaps my back as we make our way to the sidelines after time finally runs out. “Way to use that head.”
“Thanks, Coach.”
“It’s good to have you back, Ryan.” She gives me a pointed look. A “don’t you ever get taken to the principal’s office again” look. How many more times do I have to be reminded?
“All right, ladies!” Coach yells so loud I have to take a step back. “We’ve got the championship game in two hours. Keep warm. Drink plenty of water. Don’t chase each other around or anything. Get some rest.”
“Great pass, Jasmine.” I give her a pat on the back as I grab my phone out of my bag.
“You know it,” she answers with the biggest smile.
I laugh as I take out my phone. With the screen empty, my laughter stops. This is really weird.
It’s okay if Seth decided he didn’t want to come. But it’s not like Seth to leave me hanging. I should at least have a text telling me he won’t make it or a voicemail saying he’ll be late. Something. Anything.
I’m used to this kind of behavior from…well, from almost everyone else I know. So if it was anyone else I wouldn’t be so surprised. But he has never done this.
“Are you okay?” Jasmine asks me, her dark brown eyes full of concern.
“Uh, yeah.” I give her a small nod. “Just expecting a phone call, that’s all.”
After a few minutes of contemplating, the muscles in my stomach getting tighter, a small headache forming, I figure I may as well give Seth a piece of my mind. Not about not coming, but about making me worry.
But when I dial his number it goes to his voicemail.
“Hey Seth, it’s me. You know, the girl who you were going to watch play soccer today.” I make sure to laugh so he won’t feel bad. “It’s totally okay if you can’t come, but could you just shoot me a text or a voicemail or something so I know you’re alive?” Another laugh, but this one doesn’t sound as real. “So yeah, give me some sort of signal when you get this. I’ll see you…well, I’ll see you when I see you, I guess. Bye.”
I sit back down with my teammates, but nothing they do or say registers. This is wrong. Something is wrong. Seth wouldn’t do this.
I jump up from my spot and run around the fields looking for someone to help me.
“Hey, Dad.”
“Hey, Kate.” He holds up his hand so I give it a slap. “Awesome goal, sweetie. Really, really awesome. Your Mom is going to be so jealous I got to see it and she didn’t.” Normally, I would get a kick out of my parents’ rivalry, but I just can’t. And dad picks up on my mind being elsewhere.“What’s wrong?” He looks at my face and grabs my shoulders.
“I haven’t heard from Seth. He was going to come today, but he isn’t here yet, and he hasn’t called or texted me either. Something’s wrong, Dad.”
“Have you tried his parents?”
I shrug and take in a shaky breath. I’m sure I’m totally overreacting. He’s probably sleeping in really, really late, because he deserves it, and when he gets up he’s going to have my freaked-out voicemail.
Dad’s got his cell to his ear. “Yeah, hi, honey. Do you have Rose’s phone number? You do—great. Could we have it please? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay, thanks. Tell Ginny good luck.” He hangs up and dials the number from memory.
“Kate! Let’s go. We’re warming up!” Coach yells from across the field. I keep my eyes glued to Dad, praying someone will pick up on the other end. I don’t care if Coach makes me run extra laps due to ignoring her.
Dad stands straight. “Yeah, hi. This is David Ryan, Kate’s dad. We were just making sure…” His voice is cut off and I hear the higher tone from Seth’s mom on the other line.
Dad’s breath catches and his eyes dart to mine. I can tell by his expression that something’s wrong. “Is he okay?” Dad asks.
No! No, no, no.
“What happened? What’s wrong?” I yell and reach for the phone. Dad uses his body to gently keep me away, and turns around. “Seth? What happened to Seth?” Then there’s a pause as I hear Seth’s mom talking, but can’t make out the words.
“Yes, which hospital?” Dad says.
My heart drops to my stomach. Hospital? Oh no. No, no, no.
Dad places his hand over the phone and takes a deep breath, eyes locked with mine. “Seth’s been in an accident. He was taken by ambulance to Central DuPage. His parents are on their way now.”
Even though I can’t breathe and my heart has stopped, I pick up my bag and start sprinting toward the parking lot. My teammates, my coach and my father are all screaming my name. I don’t care. I won’t stop. I don’t think I’ve ever run as fast as I am now.
When I reach the car it occurs to me I don’t have the keys. Illogically, I’m contemplating running to the hospital, because it’s somewhere near here, but I don’t know where exactly. I’m heaving for breath; my cheeks are wet. If it weren’t for the car holding me up I’d be a useless pile on the ground.
Dad wraps me in his strong arms and for whatever reason I pound on his shoulder. I scream. I don’t even know the condition Seth is in, but I fear the worst… I fear the last time I will have ever seen him will be in the parking lot at school, wearing that tired smile he had. I freeze as I realize…
This is my fault.
“Come on, Kate. Keep it together, girl. I’m sure Seth is fine.” Dad helps me to the passenger side of the car.
He buckles me in and runs to the driver’s side, getting on the road as quickly as he can without hitting any of the players in the parking lot.
Seth was on the road because of me, because I'd asked him to come to my game. It was just a stupid game in a stupid tournament.
“What if he dies, Dad?” I whisper, and when it’s said out loud, the tears start flooding out.
“Shh, Kate.” Dad grabs for my hand and gives it a squeeze. “I’m sure he’ll be fine.”
“But we don’t know. You don’t know that!” I shouldn’t yell at him but I am so mad. I’m not sure I could live with myself if he were gone. Or paralyzed. Or not the same smart, adorable, sweet Seth. One of the few people who actually listens. Who doesn’t ask for anything from me.
And what have I done for him? I’ve treated him like everyone else. Which isn’t bad. But it isn’t necessarily good. Just another person who fits into that small space in my life. But he deserves more than that little space.
The click of Dad’s seatbelt alerts me we’re at the hospital. I take off running, but I lose the ability to move when we hit the emergency room.
A strong arm wraps around my shoulder and Dad leads me to the front desk. I can’t do this. I can’t find out. But Dad won’t let me turn around. I close my eyes and listen for someone to speak.
Dad clears his voice. “We’re looking for Seth McPherson. He was brought in here due to a car accident.”
I hear the tap, tap, tapping of fingernails on a keyboard, but still do not dare open my eyes. Just give it to me—tell me if I will always feel this lost. This guilty.
“He’s in surgery right now. Are you family?” a woman says.
Surgery? At these words I open my eyes and my mouth spews out words.
“Is he going to be okay? What’s wrong? What happened?” I feel like I can’t breathe, and I gulp for air.
“Are you family?” she asks again.
“We’re friends,” Dad says. “His parents are on the way.”
The lady looks over her glasses at the screen and then back at us. “We’ll wait until his parents arrive, and then someone will come talk to you.”
“That’s it? Can’t you tell us what’s wrong? What happened?” I beg, but Dad pulls me away from the desk and toward the waiting room. He sits me on a couch and I press my sweaty body into him. This can’t be happening. Out of all people, why Seth?
I think about everything and yet nothing as I watch people rush around the halls, watch the quiet hopelessness of those in the waiting room. I don’t even notice when Seth’s parents arrive. But suddenly they’re standing next to my father, and there’s a collective inhale when a doctor walks over to us.
“You’re Seth’s family?” We all nod and Seth’s mom wipes a tear out of her eye. She looks pale and shaky. She’s got to think I’m the most horrible person in the world. Her son gets in a fight at a party I invite him to, and now he’s gotten into a car accident coming to my tournament. I’m the worst thing to ever happen to him.
The surgeon clears his throat. I want him to speak, yet I don’t. This moment will change everything; I can feel it.
“Seth will be fine. He has some broken ribs and a broken arm, a number of lacerations and bruises, but there should be no permanent damage.”
Seth’s mom lets out a long, slow sigh of relief and grips her husband’s hand harder. “What happened?” She sniffs and coughs, her voice all scratchy.
“Seth fell asleep behind the wheel.” My eyes close tight at the words but I try to focus on what the doctor has to say. “He didn’t follow the bend in the road and went right off, running into a tree. He’s very lucky to have come away with the injuries he has. Obviously, he was wearing his seatbelt. Many kids get much worse.”
“I knew we shouldn’t have let him go,” Seth’s dad mumbles and holds Shelby tighter, shaking his head.
“I’m so, so sorry,” I cry out. “This is my fault—I shouldn’t have asked him to come to my game. He would have been coming with you guys and none of this would have happened.” I hang my head, bring my hands to my face. My hands quickly flood with tears. But he’s going to be fine, I remind myself. I should give myself a bit of a break but I can’t. Look what I put his family through.
“Kate, honey.” I look up to find Seth’s mom kneeling in front of me, both hands on my knees. “This is not your fault. As parents, it is our fault for not insisting he stay. And it is his fault for driving when he knew he was tired. Do not blame yourself.” She grabs my chin and clears the tears off my cheek. “You’re one of the best things to happen to him. Please don’t blame yourself.”
“What?” I inhale a sharp, shaky breath, and watch as she moves to sit down. I don’t get an answer, though, because Seth’s dad looks at the doctor.
“When can we see him?”
The surgeon stands. “A nurse will come get you when he’s awake.” With that he leaves.
Even though I know Seth’s going to be fine, I can’t seem to shake the thought that something could go wrong. Until I see him, I will never believe he’s okay.
It’s only right for Seth’s family to see him first, but I swear if they don’t leave his room soon I’m bursting in there anyway. There’s going to be a hole in this floor with how much I’m pacing.
“He wants to see you now, Kate. He’s already sick of us.” Seth’s dad laughs and gestures for me to enter. His lighter demeanor lifts a little weight off my chest, but it isn’t until I get through the door and see those kind, gray eyes, mixed with dark purple bruises and cuts on his face, that I take a breath.
“Hey, Kate—”
I run full-force to the bed and wrap my arms around him.
“Oomph!”
And then the tears flood out again.
“I’m so sorry, Seth. Gosh, I am the worst person in the world.” I wipe at my cheeks and then I wipe his cheeks since I got my tears all over him. I fix his hospital gown because I wrinkled it with my tackle. I’m so glad I get to touch these abs again. To see his cute face and that floppy hair. The way he smiles at me. All of this could have been gone. “I should have never asked you to come. You were so tired and had such a crazy day.”
“Kate—”
“I don’t know what I would have done…what I would have done if you were—”
“Kate!”
My eyes lock with his and I take a deep breath when I see his smile. The same smile he always wears when things are okay.
“I’m going to be fine.” He grabs for my hand with his unbroken arm and wraps his fingers around mine, and warmth shoots though my fingers and up my arm. “This was my fault. Not yours.”
I bite my lip and nod, even though I’m not sure I agree.
He cocks his head to the side; a slight wince goes across his bruised face. “Don’t you have a game?”
Again I nod, and before he can protest or say anything more I place my finger over his lips. “Let’s, for once, just…be together without thinking about anything else. Since…we almost lost the chance to ever get to do this.”
I lay my head on his shoulder, gently resting my arm low on his stomach, remembering he has broken ribs. I trace my finger across his abs, lightly, and listen to Seth breathe. I feel his arm wrap around my back and hold me. I’ve never felt as torn into pieces as I did moments ago. And I’ve never felt as whole as I do now.
My father and his parents are just outside this room. But I don’t care. I don’t care about the game I’m missing or that I’ll miss Brit’s party tonight.
All I care about right now is being here. With Seth.
Kate falls asleep long before I do. Her slow breathing tickles my skin as she rests her forehead against my temple. My broken bones are temporarily forgotten—all I can think about is how her body frames mine in this tiny hospital bed. How she’s here. With me. When I know she has a million other things she has to do, but she’s choosing to lie in my arms and sleep.
Mom and Dad went to the nearest hotel with Shelby. Not without argument, al
l of which Kate slept through. But why stay here and sleep in an uncomfortable chair when I know they’re both exhausted? Mom especially, since she was up puking last night. After an hour of convincing, she finally left, running a hand through my hair and telling me I was in good hands as she eyed the girl in my arms. I’m not going to analyze what she meant by that.
Also, I think Mr. Ryan is one of the coolest people out there, because my stomach fell through the floor when he walked in and saw Kate on the bed with me. If I wasn’t almost immobile, I probably would’ve shoved Kate right out and started babbling about how I didn’t touch his daughter, I swear! But before I could open my mouth or shake Kate awake, he shook his head and waved a folded piece of paper at me. Without a word, he nodded toward his daughter, then tucked it under her bag on the chair next to the bed. Must’ve been a note to Kate letting her know where he’d be.
I waved a few fingers at him, still not daring to speak, partly because of shock and partly because I really didn’t want Kate to wake up and jump away from me, breaking this moment that may never happen again.
But, I’m not analyzing what it all means.
It’s pretty dark in here, with only the monitors lighting up the small room and some light coming in through the half-open door. The nurse seems to come in every time I fall asleep, waking me enough to change my IV and check my bandages. For someone who fell asleep at the wheel, you’d think they’d let a guy get at least a full hour before getting poked and prodded.
I can’t help thinking about how much worse this could’ve been. How stupid I was for driving when I knew I was dead tired. I just wanted to be there for Kate so badly. But if I allow myself to continually rewind to all the things I should’ve done, I’ll never let it go. And Kate will always feel guilty about it. Which she shouldn’t. Because it wasn’t her fault at all.
A nurse comes in with a blanket and wraps it around me and Kate. It’s enough to make my mind want to go on hyperdrive, but it doesn’t. I flick my gaze to the sleeping figure still curled next to me, her mouth slightly open as she breathes in and out, and my mind drifts off in a Kate-induced haze.