by David Smith
‘Is she really that bad?’
‘We’ve had to write special risk assessments for anyone working with her. Hearing protection is mandatory for reasons of mental health. Most times it’s easier to just get her to work on her own.’
‘Ouch.’ Dave was aware that his crew enjoyed a drink or ten. He wouldn’t expect an earthquake of tsunami to clear the bar in normal circumstances.
The Steward continued. ‘Perhaps audition by invitation might be the safest option. For your own sanity.’
‘You’re probably right Steward . . . ‘
‘So with your permission, sir, I’ll put out feelers and discreetly vet the potential candidates before advising you. Do you have a timescale to work in?’
Dave scratched his head. ‘We need to be ready to hit the stage in about two weeks time. If we’re going to rehearse and polish the acts, I guess we need to audition this week and down-select?’
‘Very good, Commander, I’ll get straight on it. I should have some names for you tomorrow and I’ll have the last ones available in three days time. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have things to attend to.’
‘Thanks Steward, I knew I could depend on you.’
‘Don’t thank me until you’ve seen the talent sir, I can guarantee nothing.’
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In three days time Dave met Steward Butler, Katrin Mengele, Aisling O’Mara and Verity Selassie in the Officer’s Mess to discuss the options for the mission into the Tana Empire.
‘Ok team, what have we got?’
Selassie had been in charge of reviewing the Tana broadcasts and reported on her findings first. ‘Well, there are a dozen shows that will be honoured at the TanaVision Awards. The best options for us are probably “Why?-Factor” which is your common or garden singing contest, and “Tana have Talent”, which is a more general talent show. We’ve probably got people who’d do well in “Tana Warrior” which is a kind of physical challenge show, “Dance Like You Like It”, which is a free-form dance competition and “MasterCook”, a cookery competition. There’s also “The Meekest Link” which is a quiz show. Obviously anyone we field would struggle with geography and history as it’ll be questions for the Tana public at large, but Lieutenant Billy Yau has a weird eidetic memory: we could probably force feed him enough data to make him a competitor.’
Dave nodded. ‘Ok, so we audition the crew and find people who have some ability in each of those competitions who are willing to undertake a high-risk mission.’
‘That’s the theory sir, but things haven’t gone as well as I’d hoped’ admitted Chief Butler. ‘I’ve spent a fair bit of time with Commander Mengele and Lieutenant Selassie discussing possible candidates for each show, but we’ve had to rule out a large number of candidates already.’
Katrin Mengele nodded and expanded on the Steward’s statement. ‘It transpires that the most significant restriction on the selection of personnel is which members of the crew have a suitable genome. The crewman’s genetic structure must be able to accept the modifications necessary to fool Tana security sensors. The Tana genetic structure is astonishingly similar to our own, but changing an entire body at the sub-cellular level will simply not be possible in most cases. My initial studies indicate that only one in ten humans could successfully pass for a Tana.’
The Steward nodded ruefully. ‘Unfortunately, that single fact has ruled out many crewmen that I had considered to be good options. For example, did you know that Crewman William Rhodes is an exceptional guitarist? Or that Crewmen Joseph Odemwinge and Lara Al-mohamedi are both classically trained pianists? And that Crewmen Wanda Simeonov has a wide range of circus skills and does an extraordinary act juggling on a unicycle? Sadly none of them are compatible with Commander Mengele’s treatments.’
Dave tried to hide his disappointment. ‘Well, I guess that was always likely to be the case. So if genetics are the defining factor of the selection process I guess we should consider that first. Can we check an individual’s suitability?’
Dr Mengele nodded. ‘I already have: Starfleet keeps a genetic record of all personnel for safety and security purposes. I merely had to run a search programme to look for three particular genetic markers. Anyone exhibiting all three will be a viable subject. Lieutenant Selassie has the data.’
‘That’s excellent work Doctor, it’s just a shame that it’s imposing such a severe restriction on our options.’
The Steward nodded sagely. ‘Indeed, sir, although if it offers a modicum of consolation, that issue has saved us the potential pain of having to convince Crewman Soles that she’s not the person for the job. It’s also saved us from Crewman Juta Slavia’s terrifying operatics and from Crewman Weili Dai‘s comedy routine. I’m told Dai’s act is actually quite funny, but Taiwanese jokes don’t translate well into English and I doubt they’d translate any better into Tana.’
Lieutenant Selassie spoke up. The imposing Kenyan stared at Dave with her wide, disconcerting eyes and said ‘I’ve already reviewed Doctor Mengele’s list and undertaken a preliminary sift with the Steward to rule some of them out.’
‘Why are we ruling people out if we have so few to choose from?’ asked Dave.
Selassie didn’t even blink as she bluntly stated ‘This whole mission can only succeed if the candidate wins.’
Dave hadn’t even considered that. ‘Oh.’
The Steward nodded and grimaced. ‘Ironically, Crewman Jonny Walters is among the ten percent that would be compatible with the Doctor’s treatments.’
‘Ah, I take your point’ Dave nodded. He was familiar with Jonny Walters, who served on the Communications team, albeit badly, and in Jonny’s view, ‘temporarily’. Unlike the rest of his colleagues, Jonny’s hearing was incredibly poor, largely on account of his chosen career, that of rock super-star.
Jonny was absolutely convinced he was the ‘next big thing’ in the current classical rock revival, and blithely admitted that he was only serving in the Fleet until he was offered a recording contract. He referred to himself by his stage name, Thrash, but everybody else aboard Tiger referred to him as Ace.
That wasn’t as complimentary as it first sounded, as Dave had later found out that his crew-mates called him Ace as A, C and E were the only chords he could actually play on his ancient electric guitar.
His playing was both exceptionally loud and exceptionally limited. In fact, it was so bad that Jonny was the only crewman allocated quarters in the Engineering hull: Commander Romanov had constructed a small cabin in between the main deuterium tanks on Deck 16, the only spot on the entire vessel where Jonny could play without royally pissing-off everyone around him.
Dave sighed. ‘Well. We’ll just have to make the best of what’s available. If Walters isn’t good enough to win “Why?-Factor” what options do we have? I take it you must have ideas about suitable candidates too?’
The Steward nodded. ‘Indeed sir. We believe our best option for “Why?-Factor” is probably Lieutenant Stallworth.’
‘Crash?? Really??’
‘Yes sir. Lieutenant Stallworth is a competent singer and guitar player.’
Dave was really surprised, but didn’t argue. ‘Ok, we ask Crash to do his thing on “Why?-Factor”. What about the other shows?’
‘Well, “Dance Like You Like It” has possibilities: Juan Decarvalho is a very talented ballroom dancer. Unfortunately he sustained some nasty burns when we were under fire from the Tana at Todot Hahn, and may not recover in time to compete. If he doesn’t make it, Crewman James Nyambayo is a very skilled tap dancer, but is prone to being argumentative and rude. He might create as many problems as he solves. We also have Crewman Wolf Gutzeit although I doubt we could persuade him to perform.’
‘Gutzeit is a dancer?’ Dave couldn’t help but be surprised. He’d met Gutzeit and taken an instant dislike to him as most people did. Gutzeit (or ‘Adolf’ as his ship-mates referred to him) was an anachronistic neo-fascist, who was not only racist, but insufferably arrogant to boot.<
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The Steward couldn’t help but smile. ‘Gutzeit is the ship’s reigning champion free-style disco-dancer, sir.’
Dave was even more surprised. ‘We have a disco-dancing championship??’
The Steward shook his head. ‘Not any more sir. We used to hold it once a year, but three years ago, Gutzeit got so drunk he took part. To be fair he was astonishingly good and deserved to win, but he clearly felt it didn’t fit with his self-image and refused to acknowledge that he even took part.’
‘So how did he win it in the second and third years?’
‘He didn’t have to sir. Everybody so enjoyed seeing his discomfort from winning the competition that we cancelled the contest to ensure he retained the title. On the days the competition should be held, we show recordings of his championship-winning performance down on the Rec-deck and everybody gets drunk. It’s a very popular event, specifically because Gutzeit is such an unpopular person.’
Dave shrugged. ‘Ok, it’s a shame but I guess he’s out.’
The Steward continued. ‘I also considered Crewman Jane Doe. She’s shown exceptional poise and ability in dancing, but I’m still not convinced it’s safe to put her forward.’
Dave was familiar with the amnesiac engineer. There didn’t seem to be any biographical data about her at all until about three years ago. She’d been found unconscious and badly injured in a seedy part of Berlin. She’d made a full recovery, but was prone to terrifying bouts of violence, normally precipitated by a blow to the head.
The Steward shook his head sadly. ‘I remember the incident well: harmless fun and frolics at a birthday party, right up to the point when an over-enthusiastic dancer accidently cuffed Jane on the temple. Jane continued to dance, but in a sort of choreographed full-frontal assault fashion. It was carnage.’
Dave discounted her too. ‘Is there anyone else we could consider?’
The Steward raised an eyebrow. ’Well, PO Trevor Bryant has offered to do something called “Morris dancing” which is some kind of British pagan ritual. I’d give it consideration, but people who’ve seen it tell me it’s . . . well . . . naff. For want of a better word.’
Dave shrugged. ‘I guess we stick with Decarvalho then, and try to convince Nyambayo to lighten up if Decarvalho can’t make it. How about the other contests? It sounds like “Tana Have Talent” is open to pretty much anything. We must have some people we could consider there?’
The Steward nodded optimistically. ‘Indeed Sir, but I think our best options might still be ruled out through the genetic incompatibility issue. Crewman Beatrice Chevikine is a violinist of first-chair standard, but both her and Yeoman Amal Jalani who does a circus-skills act are on the borderline as far as the genetic treatments go. As a wild-card, I suspect Crewman Lyndsey Stiles would be a good outside bet. She’s very personable and her hobby of training animals has an indefinable cuteness that would be a big advantage.’
‘Sounds good, as long as we can get them on board’ nodded Dave.
The Steward hesitated a little before continuing. ‘There are also a number of . . . novelty acts that might warrant consideration.’
‘How so?’
‘Lieutenant Selassie has mentioned that weird is not necessarily a bad thing in terms of talent competitions. We have plenty of weird sir’ said the Steward, completely seriously.
‘Really?’ Dave wasn’t sure he really wanted to know.
‘Oh indeed sir. As an example, Crewman Catriona Matthias is contortionist. Her party piece is to perform oral sex on herself. It’s quite an eye-opener. Apparently.’
All Dave could muster was a nod, but that seemed to encourage the Steward.
‘Crewman Martha Lopez does speed-knitting which is quite eye-boggling although I’m not convinced that would fit the format of the show. Likewise Crewman Layla Herath is amazing at “Keepy-uppy” but I’m not convinced that’s got tele-visual appeal. A more format-friendly option might be Medical Orderly Helmut Weiss. He’s a steroid enhanced body-builder and does this weird thing where he makes his muscles dance in time with background music. It holds a sort of grim fascination.’
Dave was just open-mouthed.
‘Crewman DeSean LaMarcus does something he calls “rapping” where he talks in rhyme over a background of music. Apparently it was something of a phenomenon in the 21st Century, although I’m not sure it would work on Tana television: according to LaMarcus the whole point of it is to deliver the words with what he describes as “additood”. However, as I don’t understand that concept I imagine it’s extremely unlikely the Tana would make sense of it either.’
‘I suspect something that would make more sense to them is what Crewman Mohammed Hussein can do. He does a number of weird tricks, all whilst riding a pogo-stick. Or if you want to get really freaky, Chief Wang Shou has a weird electrical resistance, and just seems to absorb electric shocks.’
The Steward noticed Dave’s clearly flabbergasted expression and cleared his throat ‘Yes. Not talents in the classical sense of the word perhaps . . . ‘
‘You ain’t just whistling Dixie . . . ‘ mumbled Dave.
‘ . . . but they perhaps deserve consideration. Maybe.’
Selassie looked uncomfortable. ‘Please bear in mind that we’re only suggesting these people largely through lack of other options.’
Dave gathered that the idea of winning a contest was sounding less and less likely.
The Steward continued. ‘Other than that, and we could enter PO Jana Nastasic of our catering staff in the “MasterCook” contest. We’ve already surmised that Tana cuisine is . . . limited. I would imagine even someone from our catering staff might actually be competitive.’
Dave wasn’t convinced. Even by the standards of Tiger’s legendarily bad Catering Department, PO Nastasic was a disaster. He’d heard other members of the crew voice an opinion that her best future employment option would be if Pestilence gave up being one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
‘There’s also the option of entering someone in the “Tana Warrior” competition, but our only likely candidate is Keiko Watanabe from Security. Chief Belle has advised against her inclusion as she thinks Keiko has anger management issues. Ironically Chief Belle would be a candidate for the genetic treatments, but we’re not sure she could pass as a Tana female purely on account of her size.’
Dave was well aware of Watanabe’s reputation. The tiny Japanese woman was the only person who could hold her own in unarmed combat exercises with the formidable Chief Belle.
Dave regarded Chief Belle as overly aggressive but the even the Chief described Watanabe as a “bat-shit crazy psycho-killer in waiting.” Fortunately, Dave already had plans for her. ‘No good, I’ve already got Keiko pencilled in as part of the security team that will abduct The Sha T’Al First Minister. We might have to put the Chief in and hope for the best.’
The Steward nodded. ‘Well there’s always “Big Sibling”. It would appear that no talent is necessary for that. It seems to be rooted in the interaction between contestants. From our pool of crew that can be genetically altered we just need to find the person who most closely fits the profile of known winners in similar contests.’
Dave leaned back. ‘Ok, it looks like we have team, now all we have to do is persuade them to take part.’
The Steward sat up and shook his head. ‘I’m afraid it’ll be a little more complicated than that sir. To get them accepted as Tana we’re going to have to coach them in Tana mannerisms and affectations. If we’re going to win, we need to coach them in how to appeal to their audience. That might well be the most important part of the process.’
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A little while later Dave stopped off in the A&A Office to find Aisling O’Mara and Verity Selassie talking to Chief Yana Petrakova and Chief Harpreet Panesar. Petrakova was a cultural anthropologist and Panesar a behavioural psychologist.
O’Mara looked up as Dave entered. ‘Ah! Perfect timing, sir. We were just talking competition strategy.
’
Dave raised an eyebrow. ‘Strategy? I thought these were essentially talent shows? Best performer wins?’
Both Petrakova and Panesar stared at him looking distinctly sheepish. The awkward silence was broken by Petrakova. ’With respect sir, it appears that talent has bugger-all to do with it.’
Dave raised an eye-brow, but Panesar carried on before he could interrupt. ‘Our historical research into the conduct of similar shows on 21st century Terran television channels has suggested that there’s only a limited correlation between ability and success.’
‘But it’s a talent show . . . how else do you win??’
Panesar scratched his head. ’Frankly, I’m buggered if I know. We’ve watched dozens and dozens of these shows and the only absolute conclusion we can come to is that talent is clearly not the only factor. We’ve run sessions with test audiences to review the old shows just in case we’ve missed something, but there’s no two ways about it, best person doesn’t necessarily win. We’ve looked at shows where it’s really, really clear who’s the most talented singer, and we’ve bunged figures through analytical software to check out their technical ability but it seems the people who voted simply see something that we don’t. We’re really struggling to get to grips with it.’
Dave could see the validity of the argument, and asked the only relevant question. ’So what strategy do we follow?’
Panesar and Petrakova looked less certain. Petrakova admitted ‘We’re not entirely sure. These sorts of contests are a two-hundred year old phenomenon. There’s been no research in this field, and we suspect that’s because the contests have always been viewed with a degree of disdain by the academic community. It’s almost like these shows were humanity’s guilty pleasure.’