Pulse

by Amity Cross

  Maybe now that Ren knew; I could leave it behind. Maybe the memories would go away for good.

  Turning off the shower before I shriveled into a prune, I toweled myself dry and pulled on a pair of shorts, wondering if she was still here after I’d dumped all of that shit on her. She’d asked, but it was a motherfucking loaded question. Yanking on a T-shirt I’d left hanging over the edge of the laundry basket, I decided that I’d give her some breathing room if that’s what she needed.

  When I opened the bathroom door, Ren was sitting on the end of the bed waiting for me and I shook my head. She was forever surprising me. She was still here and still fighting like the Spitfire I knew she was. Fucking beautiful.

  She glanced up at the sound of my approach and stood to face me. Her features were full of something too perfect to even hope was true. She didn’t say anything as I stood there staring, she just stepped forward and pressed her body against mine, running her hand along the collar of my T-shirt.

  “Ren,” I whispered, trying to hold it together. Fuck, I just wanted to flip her back onto the bed and touch her everywhere. I wanted to do more than touch.

  Her gaze dropped to my mouth and it was the thing that tipped me over the edge. I leaned forward and pressed my lips to hers, my entire body coming alive.

  Ren’s arms snaked around my neck and she sighed into me, her fingertips burying into the hair at the nape of my neck. Her lips parted and her tongue grazed my bottom lip, the taste of her igniting all the feelings I’d been trying to keep at arms length.

  Hungry for more, I licked into her mouth, deepening the kiss to unbearable levels and she met me halfway, holding me to her with a force that I’d forgotten she possessed. The Spitfire I’d longed for was coming back to life in my arms and fuck it felt good. It felt so good that my cock stiffened against her belly.

  Fuck, what I wouldn’t give...

  Ren moaned into my mouth as we kissed, the sound reverberating right through me. My hands slid down her back and cupped her ass, holding her against me as she rolled her hips into my groin, giving away that she was just as turned on.

  Pulling back before I pushed too hard, I turned away, breathing heavily. This wasn’t about me, I couldn’t care less. This was about her happy ending and I’d do whatever it took to give it to her. I had to stop being such a selfish prick.

  I didn’t know how to vocalize it all, so I just blurted it out. “It’s not my story, Ren. It’s yours.”

  “Oh don’t be daft,” she declared. “It’s not my story. It’s ours.”

  I glanced at her as she came to stand beside me, her cheeks flushed from our kiss, and without thinking, I reached up and cupped her face in my hand.

  Maybe, just maybe, things would get better.

  Maybe in time Ren would be mine again.

  Chapter 16

  Ren

  My entire body still seared with the memory of my kiss with Ash.

  He tasted like I remembered, he tasted like something wild...

  I hadn’t seen anyone at Beat for at least two weeks while I was off trying to find myself again, but I’d walked in last night with my head full of Ash and Josie had been waiting for me. She was keen on a status update, and she chewed me out for not telling her that I’d dropped out of the AUFC. I hadn’t told anyone but Dad and the league, I hadn’t even told Ash. That was another conversation that was still on the horizon.

  The Twins were disappointed that I wasn’t going to Sydney with them, but they had their hands full with their own training and promo. Josie, too. I hadn’t thought once about what I’d left behind while spending time with Ash. And Monica…I especially hadn’t thought about her.

  Yesterday when Ash told me about that night…it had been a revelation, but it had also shifted something inside him. The floodgates were open and he was talking with me, something he found incredibly hard to do, but now he seemed to want to tell me everything.

  The trust that had ignited between us since I came to see him that first day made my heart swell. There was a lot of hope for a future where we were together.

  We were back in the gym, back in the place that we were most comfortable, going for what felt like round two. I wondered what we’d talk about today and a small, selfish part of me wondered if we would kiss again. I really liked kissing him...

  “We’ll work on your sparring today,” Ash said and I tried not to flinch. I had to tell him that I wasn’t going to Sydney. He pulled a pair of focus pads onto his hands and clapped them together. “Assume the position.” He smiled at me and I couldn’t do it. He hadn’t smiled a lot since I came back and I found myself wanting to keep it there for a long as I could.

  I flexed my fingers in my gloves and put up my guard. I went through a few repetitions to warm up and he caught all my punches with ease.

  “Is it my turn to tell you a story?” I asked before punching again.

  “If you want.”

  “I don’t know what else I can tell you about,” I replied. “I was pretty boring as a kid.”

  “Not boring,” Ash said as he caught another flurry of punches. “Just responsible.”

  “And that’s not boring?” I asked with a laugh.

  “Maybe to a kid it is.”

  “How about you tell me something?” I punched again, trying not to lose my momentum.

  “Like what?”

  I thought for a moment, dropping my fists. “How did you find Beat?”

  Ash smiled again and gestured for me to put my fists back up. “I’ll tell you while you beat the shit out of me.”

  “Sounds good to me.”

  I resumed sparring, focusing on my body positions as Ash started his story. I couldn’t say that I hadn’t wondered what he was like back then. He and my dad had been pretty close for a while there. Ash respected him a great deal and I hadn’t really understood where it’d come from. It was a different respect than I had for the man.

  “Well,” Ash began, “I was fifteen and on my third school for the year. I’d been kicked out of the last one for fighting and I was being hounded by the tough kids about it, so that day I decided to wag.” He raised his hand as I punched, the slap echoing through the gym. “It was a crappy public high school in Coburg, the only one that would take me, so I could sneak out and onto the train no problems. They didn’t give a shit 'cos most of the kids that went there were bad news. I reckon the teachers had a gutful of dealing with a bunch of shitheads, so they turned a blind eye to a lot of stuff.”

  I went through another repetition before saying, “Sounds like the school I went to out west.”

  “That school is another story entirely,” he said, grimacing. “I was wandering Sydney Road when I went down a random side street. I remember seeing Beat and wondering what it was. The roller door was open and all I could hear was a bunch of dudes punching the shit outta each other.”

  I smiled, remembering the first day I’d turned up to Beat. It’d been much the same.

  “Coach saw me standing in the door staring like a fuckin’ idiot and was about to slap me around the ear, but when he came over he didn’t kick me out like I was expecting. He brought me inside and asked why I wasn’t in school. I dunno.” He shrugged. “Your dad seems to have a way with people. He scared the crap outta me and I told him everything. About school and about getting into fights all the time. I told him about how angry I always got. I don’t know what he saw in me, but he didn’t send me back or demand to call my parents. He just took me in and let me watch the fighters training until it was time to go home.”

  “Shit, I didn’t know he could be like that.”

  “Your dad’s pretty awesome Ren. I know he did wrong by you, but he was like a Dad to me.”

  I smiled wryly. Things had gotten a lot better in the last year with him, but I’d never known the man that Ash held in such high regard. I’d seen glimpses, especially when I’d told him I was dropping out of pro.

  “What happened next?” I asked.

  “I kept going ba
ck, wagging school and getting into trouble and he made me a deal. He would teach me how to fight the right way, like a real man, and in exchange I had to go back to school and work hard, get good marks and not get suspended or expelled again. If I did, then I wasn’t allowed back.”

  “What did you do?” I asked, so enraptured by his story that I’d stopped sparring ages ago.

  “Everything he said,” Ash replied, dropping his hands. “What I didn’t understand until later was that by learning how to fight and take care of my body, it channeled my anger. Things got better after that. I still had problems, but as long as I could focus on fighting in a ring with a referee and training, I was okay. I am okay.”

  I stared at him for a long moment, not knowing what to say. I figured his story might be something along those lines, but I’d never dared to ask.

  “Stop lookin’ at me like that,” he mumbled, rolling his head and cracking his neck.

  “That’s a pretty great story,” I said.

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah.”

  He shuffled from foot to foot and it was his turn to look uncertain. So much bloody uncharted territory.

  “What?” I asked. “I guess it’s your turn to ask me something now, so out with it.”

  Ash dumped the focus pads onto the mat by his feet. “Shouldn’t you be flying to Sydney or something?” he asked.

  I knew this was coming...I shook my head.

  “What did you rank?”

  “Number two. I gave it up.”

  He stared at me, not sure which of the two statements he wanted to chase the most.

  “You gave up pro?” he asked. “Why?”

  “That was Dad’s dream,” I said. It was as simple as that. “I’m good at fighting, but it doesn’t mean that I wanted to take it that seriously.”

  “Then why did you go along with it?”

  I shrugged. “It was easier than trying to feel something else. Fighting…” I sighed, rubbing my eyes. Ash knew why I needed to fight; his reasons were much the same. We both had beasts inside that needed to be fed.

  “What?” he whispered, prodding me to continue.

  “You really have to ask?”

  He nodded, reaching up and tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. It was such a gentle gesture for him, I almost pleaded him to curl his fingers against my scalp and tug.

  “Maybe I wasn’t made for pro,” I said. “Maybe I was made for something a little darker.”

  “The Underground?”

  I nodded.

  Ash’s brow furrowed. “You went back, didn’t you?”

  I nodded again.

  A low growl rumbled through his chest. He was still pissed that I went in the first place.

  “Don’t worry,” I went on. “Dean came and dragged me out of there by the scruff of my neck.”

  Ash’s eyes sparked to life. “He fucking what?”

  “Settle down Ash. He saved me from myself.”

  “I’m so sorry Ren.” His expression began to crumble. “I’m so fucking sorry...”

  “It’s done now.” I leaned against his shoulder, the heat from his body radiating like a furnace. “This is me trying to build a bridge.” He shifted, his arm circling around my back. “It needs to be pretty fucking big, so give me a break.”

  “You gave up pro…” he muttered into my hair.

  “It wasn’t the place for me. My choice had nothing to do with you and this thing between us. It was about me.”

  “About fucking time.”

  I pulled back and glanced up at him with a frown.

  “You sacrifice so much of yourself Ren,” Ash said, his gaze searching mine. “Your mum, Coach, me… It’s about time you did something for you.”

  I snorted, placing my hand over his heart, right over the place on his tattoo that said ‘rebirth’. He was much closer than he thought.

  “Wanna give training a rest for today?” I asked, not feeling into it anymore.

  “Are you sure?”

  “I’ve got nothing to train for, apart from liking it. Besides, I think we can skip one day.” I leaned against his chest again, tracing his tattoo with a finger.

  “What do you want to do?”

  “Anything. Nothing. Everything.”

  His chest rose and fell with a sigh, taking me along for the ride. “How about more stories?”

  “Ash Fuller,” I declared, standing straight again. “Where has all this chattiness come from?”

  He shrugged as his lip curling into a lopsided smile. Shit, he was handsome when he did that. Suddenly, taking it slow seemed like a stupid idea, but that was my lady parts talking.

  “C’mon.” He took my hand and led me through the house and into the lounge. He wore nothing but his trademark pair of shorts, branded with some athletic company’s logo and me? I wore nothing but a sports bra and short shorts. It seemed kosher in the gym, but elsewhere in the house it felt a little risqué.

  Dropping my hand, he flopped down onto the couch and stretched out his long limbs. Staring at his impressive body with all its defined muscle, I couldn’t help old desires reawakening. He really was something to look at. Before he could say anything, I perched beside him, burying my back against his chest. Touching without losing it seemed okay now.

  “You’re testing my resolve,” he murmured, his lips against the top of my head.

  “Just go with it,” I replied as his arms caged me against his chest. Breathing deeply, I relished his scent, curling my hands around his forearms.

  “I can’t believe you gave up pro.”

  “Are you still on that?” I asked with a laugh.

  “It’s been five minutes since you told me. Gimme a break Spitfire.”

  I stiffened against him at the sound of his pet name for me on his lips. It’d probably just slipped out, but it was the first time he’d called me that for a very long time. I couldn’t even remember the last time he said it...

  “What?” he asked, his grip tightening.

  “That’s the first time you’ve called me that since…”

  “I never stopped.”

  I began stroking my thumb back and forth across his skin.

  “What did Violet tell you?”

  “What?” I asked, wondering what he was going to divulge now. There wasn’t much left that was unsaid between us now and I began to panic a little.

  “When she came to see you at Beat. I assume she told you all the gory details about what happened to her,” he said, stroking a hand through my hair. “I’m not sure what else could’ve convinced you to come here.”

  “She gave me the dot points, but she didn’t have to elaborate very much.” I guessed this was the last thing that was left open between us. Ash’s explanation about why he was kicked from pro, about Hammer and Violet…about the beginning of his downfall.

  “You don’t have to explain it to me,” I said. “I understand enough.”

  “I need to tell you Ren.”

  I sighed, grateful that he couldn’t see my expression. “So then tell me.”

  He buried his nose into my hair and breathed deeply. “The moment I saw the video of…” He paused. “That’s something nobody should ever have to see. My little sister, my defenseless little sister…”

  I moved against him, tightening my grip around his forearms.

  “I took the bait and acted just the way they wanted me to. I just lost all kind of control and beat him within an inch of his life. After that I was basically screwed. If I was thinking clearly…” He sighed, tightening his arms around me.

  “If there was a tape, then why didn’t he get convicted?”

  “They got to it before we could,” he said. “There was no evidence. It was their word against ours and because of what I did… There was only one person for the law to blame and that was me.”

  They destroyed the evidence so Ash had the book thrown at him and was banned from the AUFC and Hammer got off looking like the victim. And Violet…she didn’t get any justice at all
for what happened to her.

  “Violet?” I asked. “Is that why she-”

  “Doesn’t leave the house. She’s afraid of a lot of things these days but she wasn’t always like that. She was fearless Ren and now that’s gone. I’ll always feel guilty for what happened to her.”

  “She doesn’t blame you,” I said. “Nobody does.”

  “Yeah, I guess that’s something I have to deal with on my own.”

  We fell into another uneasy silence, but there was nothing I wanted to ask. The Underground had been a place of…redemption almost for him. An outlet for his anger in lieu of the AUFC.

  I sat up, needing to distance myself for a moment and he pushed himself upright, watching my expression.

  “Did you ever stop to think that fighting at The Underground might’ve been feeding your anger, rather than helping?” I asked him and he frowned.

  “What about you?” he asked, turning my question back on me.

  “I struggled with a lot of things after you left,” I said. “I still am in a way.”

  We sat facing each other, staring and absorbing everything.

  “What was it like…?” I asked. “Jail…?”

  Ash hissed, turning away from me. “I don’t want to talk about that,” he said bluntly. “Don’t make me, Ren.”

  I shrunk back into myself. “I’m sorry...”

  “Shit,” he said, reaching out for me and I fell against his chest. “I didn’t mean...fuck. It wasn’t pretty being in there. It’s scary and violent... It’s not a cushy ride with all expenses paid. I never want to subject you to that, even secondhand.”

  “I’m sorry...”

  “Don’t be. It was totally fucked up, I had to do some shit things to get by, but it’s done, it’s over and I’m never going back.”

  I curled my arms around him, clinging to him like he’d disappear if I let go. He’d risked going back to jail, back to the place he’d just admitted scared the formidable Golden Boy, for me.

  He’d once told me that he wasn’t afraid of anything, but suddenly he was human like the rest of us. It didn’t change my opinion or my feelings toward him; it just began to set them in stone.