by Measha Stone
It was the last page that had him staring at the table with a level of self-hatred he'd never experienced before. At the top was his name written in block letters and below it was a financial accounting of their time together. She'd accounted for rent, utilities, grocery estimates, even the price of the dress he'd bought for her to wear to the auction.
The bell rang, causing him to launch himself from his chair and sprint to the door. It had to be her. Without stopping to check the peephole, he opened the door to find Paul glowering at him.
"Dad! What are you doing here?" He ushered his father inside. Paul rarely made the trip to the city, mostly because of the traffic and his intolerance of it.
"Where is she?" He demanded with virtual steam escaping his ears. "Where is that little girl? I am going to tan her hide!" He stalked into the apartment further. "Alyssa! Get your ass out here!"
"She's not here," Alex whispered. "She's gone." He firmed his voice and looked at his father. "I was hoping you had talked with her."
Paul sized him up and took a deep breath. "What did you do?" he demanded with less venom than Alex deserved.
"I fucked it all up." Alex stuffed his hands into his jeans pockets.
"Obviously. Come. Get me a beer and tell me what happened."
Paul listened intently as Alex went over everything that had transpired with Alyssa over the past few months. He divulged his secret life, his secret business and his secret desire to quit advertising. Not being one to spill too much too fast, he managed to leave out any personal details of his relationship with Alyssa, and only hitting on the main topics. When he finally got to the events of the night of the auction he paused. His father was going to hate him for what he'd said. He hated him for what he'd said.
Alex couldn't bring his eyes to meet his father's after relaying the last bit of information. "You idiot." Paul finally breathed out.
"I know."
"Well that might explain this." Paul shuffled in his seat and pulled out a check, tossing it on the table toward Alex.
Alex picked it up. Every muscle in his body clenched, and his heart sank. A check, neatly written out to Paul for $8,546. Paul then tossed another check made out to Alex for $1,435. The totals matched the ledger he'd been looking through when Paul arrived.
"Those arrived in today's mail. I've been trying to get a hold of her, and she won't answer."
Alex dragged his eyes up to meet his fathers, expecting to see uncontrolled rage. Instead, he found concern. "She's been tracking everything you did for her since she was a kid. Look." Alex pushed the worn book toward Paul who dug out his glasses and looked it over. "This is why she wouldn't give up the diner job. She's been scraping to pay you back."
"And you." Paul pointed to the book. "That girl got it in her head that she was a charity case, that everything I did for her was out of complete pity. She never understood her damn worth. Always thought she was too stupid to get anywhere in life. That's why she pushed against school so hard; she didn't think she had the smarts." Paul shook his head. "And you! You go and say a thing like that! I ought to beat the hell out of you!"
"I'm fully aware you should. And I'd take it willingly if it meant she'd at least take my call." He'd gladly take a beat down if Alyssa would talk with him. To let him explain. He'd been so wrapped up in his work, trying to balance both jobs left him exhausted and open to the suggestible idiocy of an asshole. Alex knew Alyssa wasn't anything like her mother. He knew she was as gentle and kind as they come, and she would never manipulate him in any way.
She was everything to him, he knew that—had realized it weeks ago. And the idea terrified him more than he allowed himself to realize. He thought of her constantly, and when he couldn't be with her he craved her. Her touch, the sound of her voice, the gentle smile she'd give him from across the lounge. He'd let his own fears destroy the best thing that had ever happened to him.
"Why did you hide all this from me, son?" Paul's question, and the disappointment he heard in his voice, hit Alex hard. His father had never been disappointed with him. Irritated at childish pranks or temper tantrums, but never truly disappointed.
"I guess I thought you wouldn't understand." Alex admitted. "I didn't want to disappoint you."
"Disappoint me? Hell, son, you think you're the first man to give his woman a slap on the ass when she got out of line?"
"It's more than that."
"Oh, I know." Paul nodded with a grin. "I know plenty that you think I don't. We may not have used all the fancy labels and gone to high class sex clubs, but plenty could be arranged in a small bedroom of a suburban house."
Alex stared at his father while letting his words sink in. "I don't want to know." He decided out loud and was rewarded with a whooping laugh from his father.
"Look. If the club is where you find your happiness, buy that other quarter you talked about and give it a real go. You said it's doing great already. I don't care if you're rich or poor, just so long as you're happy. Don't slave away at the advertising gig if it's not where your heart is. Hey. I worked construction for thirty-five years. I may have hated some days, but I loved my job."
Alex nodded. "That resolves that issue. But there's this issue." He picked up the checks and waved them.
"Well obviously you need to apologize, and in a big way. Then you need to shred these checks. I'll be damned if I take this money from her. I ought to tan her hide for working all those extra shifts just to pay back some make-believe debt when she could've been going to school!"
"You leave the hide tanning to me." Alex waved his father down. The man would give himself a heart attack if he kept getting himself so riled up.
"If she forgives you, you are going to have to spend a hell of a lot of time making it up to her. I can only imagine what kind of hurt that girl felt when you said that."
"I know, I know. I've never been such an asshole before." Alex admitted. The men sat in silence. They both had reason to love Alyssa and both worried they'd never see her again. The prospect made Alex nauseous. "How did you get here, Dad? Did you drive?" Alex broke the silence.
"Yeah." Paul nodded and held up his hand to ward off the lecture Alex was about to launch. "I'm staying the night. I'll drive home in the morning. You still have that Mrs. Pacman game?" He asked with a twinkle in his eye.
Alex laughed. "Of course I do."
"Ah. A smile! You know, I didn't want to be rude when I walked in, but you look like shit." Paul stood from the table and slapped Alex on the back as he walked past him. "You don't do well without that woman. You better figure out a way to get her back."
Alex couldn't agree more with his father. He didn't just want Alyssa, he needed her. Badly.
Chapter Thirty-five
"What the hell does that mean she's fine, no worries? Erin doesn't send messages like that! She doesn't disappear like this! And where the fuck is Jonathan!" Kelly paced in the living room ranting into the phone. Alyssa slid her feet beneath her butt on the couch to keep out of her way as she stomped back and forth.
"Yes. I'll calm down. Right after we find her and beat her." Kelly glanced at Alyssa who was watching the spectacle with a mildly amused grin. It wasn't that she wished for anything bad to happen to Erin, but she was glad for the distraction. The pitying glances over the breakfast table were beginning to take their toll on her.
The days dragged. Working short shifts at the diner took up most of the morning, but the afternoons were usually wasted away in the apartment. Kelly checked on her constantly. Kendrick could not have been more understanding of her taking up residence in his home, but Alyssa needed to find a more permanent solution.
Kelly mentioned Jessica's apartment needing to be sublet for the next six months, but when Alyssa turned to her at dinner the previous evening for confirmation, Jessica had shaken her head. Kelly's grunt and the shaking of the table suggested to Alyssa that a pointed toe had made contact with Kelly's bare shin.
Jessica would not accept that Alex and Alyssa were no longer a cou
ple. She chalked up their fight to a lover's quarrel. Even after Alyssa finally broke down and told them exactly what had happened, Jessica rallied for a reconciliation. She'd been raving mad at Alex, as was Kelly, but she maintained that he was simply being stupid. Spooked, was the word she used. "He's never been in love before, not truly in love." When she had returned from Alex's apartment with half of her clothing she made sure to give her the rundown of his appearance. "He hasn't shaved. I have never known that man not to shave! His eyes had huge bags under them. He's not sleeping." She continued in that manner as she helped Alyssa hang the few clothes she'd brought back.
Alyssa had worried momentarily when Jessica hadn't grabbed her ledger, but she knew the totals by heart. The two checks she needed to write would deplete her savings, but since the purpose of the account was for those checks she had no qualms about writing them. There was just enough left to help her get an apartment for herself. The diner found her a few shifts to get her by for the time being, but she would need to find a more permanent job. The club wasn't an option.
Brandon called her begging her to reconsider. He jumped on Jessica's bandwagon, telling her how miserable Alex looked. "He glances over at the bar every time he comes into the lounge, looking for you," he told her. Alyssa told him she'd think about it, but she knew it wouldn't be a wise decision. And she'd made too many unwise decisions lately.
She couldn't blame Alex for being suspicious of her change in behavior. Her sudden acceptance of herself as a submissive left even her a bit dazed. She could only imagine what it was like for him. Even though it was what he wanted, what he had been coaxing gently from her, she could understand the suspicion. It was the sudden anger, the accusations without reason that left her uneasy and confused.
Stephen was involved; she would bet her lunch on it. He'd called her asking if she wanted to share a ride back home. She'd turned him down of course. The reasons she left home hadn't changed. She wasn't going back there. And she sure as hell wasn't going back to him. But if Stephen had given Alex a reason to doubt her, it still didn't justify his ability to simply write her off. Stephen said something nasty about her, and Alex just went along with it? Hadn't he been with her over the past few months? Wasn't it him who had coaxed her into being stronger, into wanting more for herself? And in the end it was he who destroyed her. Who used the love she'd grown for him against her. He had accused her of being her mother. How could she forgive him that?
She did feel bad about not answering Paul's calls. He hadn't done anything wrong. But she knew if she talked with him, he'd have her crying all over again. He'd want to get involved, and she wasn't ready for that. She'd go out to see him as soon as she was able to get a way out there.
"Well. Erin is MIA." Kelly tossed her phone on the coffee table.
The clank of the phone hitting the table pulled Alyssa back to the present.
"Jessica can't get an answer out of her, and she won't answer me. I'm ready to send Kendrick on the hunt."
"I'm not hunting down Erin," Kendrick said bluntly as he walked into the living room sporting a pair of jeans and a black t-shirt that hugged every inch of his hard body. Alyssa shook her head. She missed Alex's body. His hard stomach, his warm smile, his attentive fingers.
"Why not?" asked Kelly.
"She's a grown woman. She says she's fine, she's fine. You and Jessica need to leave her be." He pointed a finger in her direction. His expression suggested there was more going on than he was willing to divulge. "Now." He turned to Alyssa before Kelly could begin her rant again. "Alex called." He held up a hand. "No, you aren't going to start protesting yet. I haven't said anything." He gave a laugh and turned to Kelly. "You are not being a good influence on her."
"What did he want?" Kelly asked plopping down beside Alyssa.
"He is coming over." He held up both hands to stop them both from saying a word. "No objections. It's been almost a week. I'm not keeping him from Alyssa anymore."
"I don't want to see him," Alyssa said softly, but she knew it wasn't true. She wanted answers. She wanted relief from the increased pressure in her chest that threatened to choke her whenever she thought about him.
"I'll talk to him for you," Kelly promised.
"You will not. You will stay out of it. What do you think would have happened if Jessica had been able to keep me away from you when you needed me?" He folded his arms over his chest and stared down at Kelly. Alyssa knew that look. Kelly was done for.
"It's not entirely the same thing." Kelly muttered. "Not at all."
"Maybe not. But if Alyssa really doesn't want to see him, she'll tell him herself. We are going out. Get dressed."
"Are you going to be okay? Do you want us to stay?" Kelly touched Alyssa’s arm.
"No, no. Kendrick's right. I need to face him. It will be fine. I'll be fine." Alyssa patted her hand. "You better get going before that eyebrow disappears from his forehead all together," She whispered, grinning.
"Surrounded by a bunch of smart asses." Kendrick mumbled as he walked toward the kitchen. "Five minutes, Kelly. And don't try that V-neck tank again!"
"Such a prude." Kelly grinned happily. "You sure you'll be okay?"
"I'll be fine. Kendrick's right. I have to face him. End things."
"Is that what you really want?"
Alyssa chewed on her lip briefly. "I don't know what I want," she confessed. "I know I don't want to burden you anymore."
"Shut up! You are no burden. Look, take a shower. Do your hair, slap on some lip-gloss. Then when he grovels at your feet, you'll know what to do." Kelly patted her knee and climbed over the couch, and jumping over the back.
Alyssa grinned over the carefree way Kelly lived. She enjoyed every moment. There was no worry for the future, but she had Kendrick. Would Alyssa find that? Had she found that and was she now throwing it away?
It was true that he'd said horrible things, had assumed the worst about her. It was also true that the past week had been horrible. Every moment thinking about him, wishing things were different, craving what she lost. How could she even think of finding that connection with someone else? The idea of another man touching her intimately, physically and emotionally sickened her. It wasn't anyone's touch she wanted. Only Alex's.
Kelly and Kendrick called out their departure just as she stepped out of the shower. Kendrick told her Alex would be by within the hour, which didn't give her much time to get ready. She combed and dried her hair, leaving it to hang loosely around her shoulders. Having never been one for much makeup, she used a sparing amount of mascara. Taking a look at herself in the mirror she shrugged. She hadn't eaten much the past week, and she could see it in her face, her cheeks were sunken and there were shadows under her eyes from all the crying she did at night when she was sure no one could hear her.
The bell rang, scaring her as she stepped down into the living room. After a few deep breaths she opened the door to find Alex standing in front of her. She wasn't sure exactly what she had expected but she hadn't expected his stern expression to be what greeted her.
"Hi," he finally said, his face softening. "I wasn't sure if I'd be fighting Kelly to get in," he explained and Alyssa let out her breath.
"Oh. No, Kendrick took her out. Do you want to come in?" She moved to the side to allow him entrance and with a nod he did.
"Alyssa." Her name sounded pained in his voice. "I." He shook his head and he launched into his apology. "I was an ass. A complete fucking ass and you have every right to throw me out."
"Yes, I do." She nodded. Examining him she noticed his usual pristine appearance lacked the sharpness it usually had. His hair looked as though he'd combed it with his fingers in the elevator, and his eyes weren't glistening with excitement. "Do you want something to drink?" she asked, walking past him to the kitchen. The tingling in her body at his presence told her everything she needed to know. But could she trust her body?
He followed her into the kitchen, pulling her hand to stop her from moving. She turned to him, and
faced his stricken expression with what she hoped appeared to be a bland expression of her own.
"You know how much I hate when you don't answer your phone." He pulled her to him, wrapping his arms around her. Had it not felt so damn good, she would have shoved him away. She should have fought him off.
"Seriously?" She did push him away to look up at him. Emotions played in his eyes: fear, worry?
"You're not pregnant," he said next, again throwing her off balance. Wasn't he supposed to be kissing her feet and begging for forgiveness? But Alex didn't operate that way. She would have to allow him to do his dance around until he brought himself to the forefront.
"No. I'm not," she agreed, pulling away from him. His touch, even just a simple hug, distracted her from her feelings. Her anger. She needed to hold onto her anger if she was going to make it through this conversation unscathed.
"I shouldn't have assumed." He raked a hand through his hair. "I shouldn't have been so distant. I shouldn't have listened to that asshole, Stephen. And I shouldn't have allowed myself to worry so damn much. It's not like me to worry. I don't worry."
"Yes, you do," she interrupted. "You worry what your friends and your dad would think if they knew about the club. If they knew what sort of man you really are. You worry that they won't see you as the carefree laid back guy anymore. That they'll think you some ogre."
His piercingly blue eyes widened at her words, his hands fidgeted and then shoved into his jeans. "You're right." His voice was soft.
"Well, they know. At least your friends do. And you worried for fucking nothing. Kendrick is just as much like you as Royce is. You know all three of you have been hiding the same damn secret from each other. But one knows about the other, but doesn't know about the third. It's exhausting!" She crossed her arms over her chest, finding more gumption.
"Dad does, too." He surprised her. "And now that everything's out in the open, I realize what an idiot I was for hiding it. But I was a bigger idiot when it came to you. Alyssa, I've never been afraid of relationships before, and I think it's because they've all been safe before. Sandra was safe because it was vanilla and not going anywhere, and the others? Well they were flings not relationships. With you it was different. With you, I never wanted to let you go. I don't want to let you go. I won't let you go." He took a ragged breath. "Then Stephen came into my office spewing all sorts of bullshit, and it just completely justified my worry and my stupidity, and then I ruined fucking everything." If it was an attempt at humility, he was failing. His tone was stern, angry even, but not at her. The urge to reassure him, to soothe him fought her urge to throw him out. But she knew she would never throw him out.