“Rafe Collier?” I shook my head, lying without really thinking about it. “He left Nashville five or six weeks ago. I saw him before that, but I haven’t seen him or heard from him in the time he’s been gone.”
OK, so the only real lie was the head-shake. The rest of it was true. He had left five or six weeks ago, and I hadn’t seen or heard from him in the time he was gone. The fact that he was back now, and that I’d seen him since, was something I’d just as soon keep from Elspeth. If she was still stuck on him, she didn’t need to hear what he and I had been doing yesterday morning. I hadn’t been above poking Marquita, but poor Elspeth seemed so fragile, I couldn’t find it in my heart to say anything that might upset her.
“I should get going,” I said. For good measure, and just to make sure there were no misunderstandings, I added, “I’m having dinner with Todd Satterfield tonight. You remember Todd, don’t you? From high school? You two were in the same year, I think.”
“Of course.” Elspeth nodded, making that cute, little, blonde ponytail bob. “Have a good time, Savannah. Tell Todd I said hello.”
I said I would. Although I’d have to rewrite the story a little before I presented it to Todd. Leave out the fact that Elspeth and I had run into one another in the Bog, while I’d been standing in the middle of Rafe Collier’s old bedroom. Todd didn’t need to know that. “Well... it was nice to see you again. Take care of yourself.”
“You too,” Elspeth said, smiling sweetly. She stayed where she was, under the carport on the back of the trailer, while I walked around the corner, got into my car, and drove away. It wasn’t until I was off the track and onto the road that it occurred to me that I hadn’t noticed her car anywhere.
The Wayside Inn, where Bob Satterfield had taken mother the night before, is the best restaurant in Sweetwater. Naturally, that was where Todd wanted to go as well.
I didn’t mind. The food is wonderful, and I’m as fond of excellent food—that someone else is paying for—as the next financially strapped woman. Plus, I wanted a place that would do justice to my new dress.
Although I had to admit, at least to myself, that I was no longer sure I wanted to wear it. At least not for the purpose I’d originally intended. With last night’s dreams at a more comfortable distance than when I’d just woken up, and with most of another day between me and that episode with Rafe yesterday morning, marrying Todd solely to avoid sleeping with Rafe did seem, as Tamara Grimaldi had put it, a little drastic. So maybe I didn’t need to actually make him propose tonight. Maybe I just needed to go have dinner with him, and enjoy his company, and remind myself what a nice, handsome, well-educated, perfect-for-me man Todd was. Why do anything rash, after all?
But of course there was no way to explain to my mother why I no longer wanted to wear the new subliminally powerful dress, so I didn’t have a choice but to put it on. Along with a pair of strappy silver sandals Audrey had had sitting around the shop, that just happened to look fantastic with the dress while they just happened to be my size. The result was that Todd was extremely complimentary when I walked into the Wayside Inn a few minutes after seven, to find him waiting at a table for two.
“Savannah!” He stood up, blue eyes admiring as he looked me over, from loosely piled hair to skimpy dress to shoes and back. “You look beautiful!”
“Thank you, Todd.” I went up on my toes to kiss him on the cheek.
Normally I try to avoid touching him, since I’ve been trying to keep him from proposing. But I was thinking that if I got a little closer to Todd, maybe that’d help to make the closeness to Rafe feel a little less momentous. Maybe the problem was, at least partially, that in the two years since Bradley and I got divorced, I hadn’t been in any kind of relationship. Todd took me out to dinner and kissed me goodnight; but a kiss outside the door at the end of the evening doesn’t make a physical relationship. So maybe I’d just been so overcome by Rafe’s nearness because I hadn’t, to put it bluntly, gotten any for quite a while.
Todd looked surprised, and actually touched his fingers to his cheek for a second, as if he couldn’t quite believe I had kissed it. I felt my heart sink. This wasn’t going to end well.
Although things started out well enough. Todd ordered for both of us: white wine for me, red for himself. Grilled chicken for me, steak for himself. Black coffee for me, cheesecake for himself. Todd is partial to cheesecake. So am I, if it comes to that; I just can’t eat it while I’m out with him. It’s been firmly ingrained in me that a Southern Belle has a sixteen-inch waist and eats like a bird. So when Todd and I go out, I pick at my food and have black coffee for dessert, while I watch him enjoy his cheesecake. Yes, I resent it, but it’s life. I’m used to it by now.
While we ate, we talked about the obvious things. Todd’s seminar—a proper Southern Belle always turns the conversation first, last, and always back to the man she’s with—and the break-in at my apartment and the fact that I hadn’t been there when he came to pick me up two nights ago. Todd was quite concerned, he assured me.
“You should have called me, Savannah,” he said, for what was at least the third, if not the fourth time. “It’s not that I mind driving to Nashville to see you, but to arrive at your apartment and find someone else there... And not just anyone else, but an undercover police officer!”
“I’m sorry,” I said, also for the third or fourth time, “it just slipped my mind. I was rattled, and there were arrangements to make, and I didn’t even remember that I’d promised to have dinner with you until later. I’m really very sorry, Todd.”
“I understand, Savannah,” Todd said. And added, “But you really should have called me.”
“I know I should. And I’m sorry. It just slipped my mind.” I took another sip of coffee for something to do, other than apologize again. Todd is the perfect Southern gentleman, really he is, but he’s a lot like a dog with a bone as well, and sometimes I just wish he’d let go of whatever it is he’s gotten his teeth into and give me some peace.
The truth was that sitting here with him, I had no desire whatsoever for him to propose. He was still tall, blond and handsome, still healthy, wealthy, and perfect for me, but he was also driving me slowly up the wall. He loved me, I knew that. He wanted to marry me, and take care of me, and support me financially, and protect me from harm, and do all those things that husbands want to do to and for their wives. And I appreciated it. Sadly, though, he felt more like a smothering blanket than the safe haven I’m sure he intended to be. He was wrapping me in warm, supposedly comforting folds of caring, but I found myself clawing to free my face and be able to breathe.
The thing is, I’d gone directly from my parents’ house to finishing school to university to Bradley’s house, and this was the first time in my life I’d been on my own for any length of time. For the first time ever, I was responsible for myself, for paying my own rent and buying my own groceries and putting gas in my own car, and it was frequently nerve-wracking and I worried almost daily about what would happen when the money from my divorce settlement ran out. But I’d also found that I liked the independence. I could go home and not have to worry about looking perfect, or behaving a certain way, or owing anything to anyone else. I could do what I wanted when I wanted. I could wear ugly sweatpants, eat all the ice cream I wanted, and watch Cheaters on TV if I wanted, without having to worry about what anyone thought. I could read Barbara Botticelli to my heart’s content without having anyone complain that my literary tastes were too low-brow. And I could get mixed up in murder investigations and hang out with Tamara Grimaldi and babysit Mrs. Jenkins and kiss Rafe... and there was nobody around to tell me I wasn’t behaving properly.
So the fact that Todd made no move to propose was just fine with me.
When the cheesecake was devoured, he returned to one of his favorite subjects of conversation.
No, not the break-in at my apartment. For now, at least, it seemed we had moved past that.
“Any news from Collier?”
He
asked the same question pretty much every time we got together. The fact that Rafe had left and stayed gone, that every time Todd asked I’d had to tell that him that no, I hadn’t heard a word, had made Todd very happy.
But all good things must come to an end. I’m a terrible liar, and Todd knows it; I didn’t even try to prevaricate. “He’s back.”
Todd sat up straight. “He is?”
“He came back yesterday. I saw him for a few minutes.”
Todd’s eyes narrowed.
“Marquita Johnson died,” I said. “She was taking care of Mrs. Jenkins. Now that there’s no nurse, Rafe had to come back to make other arrangements.”
“What other arrangements?”
“I have no idea,” I said. “We didn’t talk much.”
Todd didn’t answer. I could see from his expression that he was thinking dark thoughts. “I was hoping to have more time,” he muttered.
“I beg your pardon?”
“I was hoping for more time. That he wouldn’t come back so soon. Or ever.”
I’m sure. “Why would you care that Rafe Collier is in Nashville? You don’t have to see him.”
Todd made an impatient sound. “I know I don’t. But when he’s around, you can’t seem to stay away from him. Or he from you.”
Here it was again, that awful burden of proper behavior. “I don’t mean to be rude,” I said, “but I’m not sure that’s any of your concern, Todd.” I would have put it more strongly, but I held back.
“I would like to make it my concern,” Todd said.
As if he hadn’t already done that. “That’s nice of you, but...”
But please don’t say what it sounds like you’re going to say!
“I was hoping to have more time,” Todd said again, more to himself than to me, “but if he’s back...” He shook his head, then looked up. Reached across the table and took my hand. And squeezed it until I looked at him.
“Oh, God,” I said faintly.
Todd smiled. “I’m sure you’ve guessed what I’m going to ask you, Savannah. I’ve loved you since we were teenagers. Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?”
Chapter 11
I’m not sure how I got out of there, although I’m pretty sure I got out without committing myself. I know I didn’t say yes. And I don’t think I nodded or smiled. I managed to stammer a thank-you and tell him how honored I was, but that I needed to think about it. That’s how we were told to handle unwanted proposals in finishing school in Charleston. And Todd probably knew it, because I watched his face congeal when I didn’t immediately jump up and throw my arms around his neck.
“Is it Collier?” he asked.
“How could you even think that?”
“I don’t know, Savannah,” Todd said. “I used to think I knew you, but lately I’m not so sure. You’ve made some choices that I do not understand and frankly cannot condone.”
My voice would have trembled if I’d let it. I refused to. “I’m sorry to hear that. I’m not entirely sure what you’re talking about, but it sounds like I’ve disappointed you, and if that’s the case, I’m sorry.”
“I’m not disappointed, Savannah,” Todd said, looking disappointed, “I’m just worried. About you. And about the choices you’ve made. The people you associate with. The fact that you’ve chosen to stay in Nashville on your own instead of coming home to Sweetwater to your family, where people love you and will protect you and care for you.”
“I’m twenty seven years old,” I said. “I’m not going to move back in with my mother!”
I remembered, a second too late, that Todd had moved back in with his dad. It was a totally different situation, though. Todd had divorced the unsuitable Jolynn and moved back to his hometown, where he had a great job as an assistant D.A. and no need at all to feel ashamed of himself and his accomplishments. I had failed my husband, who had sought solace elsewhere, and I would have had to crawl back to Sweetwater with my tail between my legs, to live on charity in my mother’s house and probably go to work for Audrey, since I’d never finished my education and had nothing to fall back on. It wasn’t the same thing at all.
“Move in with me,” Todd said.
I smiled, trying to make it a joke. “You, me, and your dad? I don’t think so.”
“Dad can move in with your mother,” Todd said. “They’re together half the time anyway. Or maybe she can move in with him, and we can take over the mansion.” His eyes turned excited at the idea of owning the Martin mansion.
“Mother is never going to leave the mansion. And what do you mean, she can move in with your dad? How can they...” And then lightning struck and I gaped at him. “My mother and your father are involved?”
“For a while now,” Todd confirmed.
“I had no idea.” Although it surely did explain a few things. Like that night a couple of months ago when I’d seen them have dinner right here, at the Wayside Inn, and then it had looked like mom’s bed was never slept in. I’d explained it to myself as my mother just being obsessively neat and having put it in apple-pie order the next morning, but now that I knew...
“Never mind that,” Todd said impatiently. “I want to marry you, Savannah. I want to love you and cherish you and take care of you—”
...and wrap me in cotton wool and put me on a shelf.
“I told you,” I said, “I have to think about it. I’m not sure I’m ready to get remarried.”
He looked like I’d kicked him, and I reached across the table to put my hand over his for a second. “It isn’t you, Todd. If I were going to marry anyone, I’d be marrying you. It’s just that I don’t know if I’m ready to marry anyone yet. It’s only been two years, and being Bradley’s wife was...”
“I understand, Savannah,” Todd interrupted, without—I thought—understanding much at all. In fairness to him, he couldn’t; I hadn’t told him any of the details of my marriage. He knew that Bradley had fallen in love with Shelby while he and I were still married, and I’m sure Todd had guessed that Bradley might have been unfaithful, but I’d never told him anything about the other problems we’d had. “A failed marriage is always a difficult thing. I know; I went through my own with Jolynn. But this would be different. I love you.”
“Didn’t you love Jolynn?”
“I thought I did,” Todd said, “but I’ve never truly loved anyone but you, Savannah.”
He gazed at me soulfully across the table, reaching for my hand again. I felt like a giant millstone was being tied around my neck.
He loved me.
Well, of course he did, I told myself. That’s why he wanted to marry me. He loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Marriage made sense.
It made sense to me too, if it came to that. Like I’d told him, if I wanted to marry anyone, I’d marry Todd. Who else could I marry? The only other man in my life was Rafe, and even if he miraculously did want to get married, which he didn’t, it wasn’t like I could marry him.
I just wasn’t ready to say yes to Todd.
“I need to think about it,” I told him again. “It isn’t you. I swear. And of course it isn’t Rafe. You can’t seriously believe that I’d want to marry Rafe Collier. Or that I’d pick him over you.”
Todd didn’t answer.
“It’s me. It’s all me. I just need some time to think. To make sure I’m ready.”
“Take all the time you need,” Todd said. What else could he say, after all? But I could tell he was disappointed. I’m sure he’d expected, or at least hoped, that I’d be overcome with emotion and if not say yes on the spot, at least tell him I loved him too.
I couldn’t blame him for the disappointment. I couldn’t in good conscience say the words, though, when I wasn’t sure I did. I wasn’t sure I even knew exactly what it meant.
I wasn’t brought up to consider love as a particular requisite of marriage. When Bradley proposed, I’d said yes because he was young, handsome, Southern, able to take care of me, and because it was the first
proposal I’d gotten. I was twenty three and not getting any younger. And I wanted an excuse to drop out of law school, because I wasn’t enjoying myself. I didn’t really have a reason to say no. Marrying Bradley—or someone like him—was what I was supposed to do. It was what mother had done when dad asked her. And I’d never doubted that my mother and father loved one another. She had told me that they did. That love came after marriage, from a lifetime of being together. Of being committed to one another, to building a life together, to the same values and beliefs.
We’d all been brought up the same way, all three of us. Catherine and Jonathan seemed happy enough, I thought, as did Dix and Sheila. Catherine had been quite enamored with Jonathan when they first met, but of course he was a Yankee, so things were a little different for them. Dix and Sheila were more of the traditional Southern couple: two young, healthy, attractive people from two old families getting married and living happily ever after; without a whole lot of passion, perhaps, but with what seemed like a perfectly nice relationship. They got along well, they didn’t argue, they had two beautiful little girls...
And if I married Todd, I would have the same thing. A comfortable, comforting relationship with a man who loved me, and who would provide for me and protect me and love me and cherish me. A man whom I liked in return, and whom, if I didn’t feel like I loved him right now, I would grow to love in time.
So was it wrong for me to wish for more than that? A little passion? And maybe some clarity? Because if I couldn’t bring myself to tell him that I loved him, surely I had no business thinking about marrying him.
We’d arrived at the Inn in separate cars, Todd directly from Chattanooga, and he walked me to mine. Once there, he took me in his arms and kissed me. His mouth was warm and soft, and his arms tight around my body. His lean body was hard under the tailored gray suit, and I leaned in and kissed him back, doing my best to put some feeling into it.
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