by A. C. Bextor
Sarah released me and stood. Her body was trembling, and fighting to stay still. As Sarah moved her hands behind her back, I heard the zipper of her short, black dress being taken down. I blinked once, then twice, as she continued.
I positioned myself on the edge of the bed, never breaking eye contact, and rested my feet to the floor. I watched as the dress fell and pooled at her ankles, leaving her in a black lace bra and matching thong.
After a few seconds of contemplation, I stood and rested my hands on her bare shoulders. Her skin, so soft and warm, churned my insides with the dawning knowledge of what I wanted.
I wanted Sarah, this woman who knew and understood me so well. She knew my heart because I had spent years trying to protect hers. She understood my love for her without needing any reminders of it.
My war, the war I’d been waging inside since I kissed her the night of Hayden’s wedding, was over in that second.
I’d been denying my thoughts, feelings, and body’s reaction to her when she was in my presence. I’d been telling myself this was Sarah. She was too young and too innocent to be with someone like me. Although Sarah was one of the strongest people I’d ever known, I’d convinced myself I’d eventually ruin her.
But there, in that moment, I watched as she gazed at me and we each sensed what was already bound to happen. Without being nervous of what the others would think, without caring about what tomorrow would bring, we were determined to share something we hadn’t before.
And we did.
Pulling her in to my body, I wrapped my arms around her and lifted her up carefully as I carried her toward to the bed. Her mouth found my lips and her tongue searched for mine. Laying her down and blanketing her with my body, I let my hands explore her with a desperation I couldn’t control. Her thighs, her waist, her lace-covered chest, all had a turn, and in reaction she bit my lower lip, signaling she felt what I did.
An all-consuming need; offered by chance and led by certainty.
“Is this what you want?” I asked, waiting to hear her refuse me.
She didn’t.
Instead, she nodded her head as it lay on the pillow. I reached down between us and my fingers tore through the center of her thong, giving me access to the only part of her I’d never had.
Sitting up slightly, Sarah unclasped her bra, removing it and exposing her bare chest to me. Her hands reached for my dress shirt and opened each button, one after the other. Before removing it, she untucked the hem, tore it from my body, and tossed it haphazardly to the floor. Her fingers quickly released my belt, then the button of my pants, but she didn’t move to take them off. Instead, she reached in and greedily grabbed my hard cock.
Feeling her run her fingers over it, I closed my eyes. She gripped my shaft tightly. Her head bent to kiss my neck and I thrust myself into her palm, unable to keep control.
Bending down, I licked her nipple and pulled it into my mouth, forcing her to release me. She gasped as I trailed soft, subtle kisses down her stomach and to each of her hips.
“I’ve wanted you, Sarah. For so fucking long,” I whispered, unsure if I was talking to her or myself. “You’re beautiful,” I whispered again, running my finger through her core and letting it hover gently over her clit.
Her hips lifted, searching for deeper contact.
“No, Sarah,” I said kissing the center of her toned stomach. “Let me enjoy your body the way I’ve thought of doing for so long.”
Looking up at her, I found her head raised and her eyes staring down at me. Her shy smile, exposing her inexperience, increased my urge to care for her. Knowing she’d only been with one man, and he’d treated her as a whore afterward, I wanted to show her what making love to someone you cared about could feel like.
I knew even then I wanted her to love me.
“Lie back,” I told her.
She did what I asked and rested her head on the pillow while I caressed her inner thigh, her abdomen, and the swell underneath her breast. Finally close enough to study her features, I found her eyes ignited with lust.
Sarah was giving herself to me.
Kissing her cheeks, one after the other, I whispered, “Trust me to take care of you.”
As I continued to use my hands to explore her body, our breathing became labored, and I took her mouth with mine. The kiss became aggressive, so I reached above her and pulled her hair from her nape, inching my lips down to sink my teeth into the warm flesh below her ear.
I pulled up as my other hand sought her warmth, and before I pushed my fingers inside her, I whispered, “Finish undressing me.”
She did what I told her. Bending her body under me slightly, I gave her enough space so the clothes could be removed and added to the collection that lay on the floor. Before she was able to lie back down completely, I lifted her ass and removed what was left of her thong, leaving her completely bare and exposed.
Once I had her settled back underneath me, my hands grabbed her thighs, spreading them open before I slid into her. She gasped, both from my invasion and the acceptance of my weight on top of her.
With great restraint, I waited for her body to accept mine before pulling out slowly and pushing back in.
“Travis,” she whispered. Her hand came up and ran through my hair, before pulling at it carefully. “Help me forget how much I hurt.”
Once those words were spoken, not only didn’t I slow, I pushed her further. As I pushed, she pulled. We allowed ourselves time to explore the pleasure we were giving each other.
“Christ, you feel good,” I nearly hissed through my teeth while losing my breath. I felt her warmth grasp me as I continued thrusting into her. “So fucking good, Sarah.”
She tensed under me, and I sensed her release was already close. My hands, which were bracing on either side of her head, moved to her ass and tilted it, offering me deeper penetration. The sync of our movements, the sounds of our labored breathing, and desperation of our release acted as the catalyst to what we both felt coming.
“Don’t fuckin’ finish without me. Take me with you.”
To her credit, she tried to relax. Her eyes closed and she inhaled, holding it as long as she could before I felt her body tighten around mine from inside.
“When you’re ready, take it,” I whispered harshly in her ear. “Let me feel you, baby.”
“I can’t stop. . . .”
“Look at me, Sarah!” I demanded as her eyes opened and she stared into mine.
Her release came fast and hard. I felt her nails dig into my back as she surrendered, and knew she wasn’t holding back. I pushed harder, driving my way in, forcing her to take and accept what she was doing to me.
My own climax hit soon after and she stole everything I had to give. Her body held tight and her hips froze under mine. She gasped another breath, then positioned her face in my neck, leaving it there until the shudders of our bodies’ releases subsided.
My forehead leaned to hers, and her lips met mine briefly before pulling back. When I opened my eyes, I found hers staring into them with an unexplainable expression.
Then she smiled.
* * *
I held her in my arms the rest of the night. We didn’t talk; thoughts expressed in words would’ve felt small in comparison to what we’d just shared. No longer mourning the loss we were both drowning in, we sat quietly together, her body wrapped around mine as I held her closer than I ever had before.
Sarah’s presence in my life had always been there—alive, certain and assured, but after our intimate time together, everything changed. In those moments, she took what she needed from me, and I gave it to her freely, without questioning what would happen after.
Bean was right.
Sarah had always been mine. No further mental tug of war would deny that for what it was.
I loved her. Every maddening, crazy, uncontrollable, ridiculous piece of her.
It was one night, one that feels so long ago, in a moment of care as our grief and sadness were held dee
p beneath the surface when I felt something I had never felt before.
I was content and comfortable in another person’s presence. She wasn’t a stranger, or someone I’d been forcing myself to get to know.
She was Sarah.
And, for the first time I could remember, I was happy.
CHAPTER THREE
Sarah
BEAN DIED ON January 14, three days after I turned nineteen. The day of my birthday was the last time I saw Bean smile.
Her body, old and weak from sickness, gave up and surrendered to its final stroke. After the initial prognosis we knew her body was already broken. One day she was there, the next she wasn’t, and even knowing it was coming, her death felt sudden.
By far, saying goodbye to her was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
As Travis held me in his arms, offering me everything I needed to safely fall apart, I begged God to give her back. The pain in knowing that was impossible was suffocating. My eyes burned and my throat closed. I couldn’t deny what I felt; it was inescapable.
And it wasn’t fucking fair.
The feeling of loss spurred an emotional reaction so heavy and forceful I could no longer face it. Travis was there; I knew he loved me. Although he didn’t always appreciate my blunt candor, he didn’t turn me away. What I asked him to do for me, to make me forget, was something he had every right to refuse.
He didn’t.
So that night, after knowing Travis most of my life, I felt him change me. I was once a child, lost amongst my brother and his friends. Then I was a teenager who sought the acceptance of those around me. But that night, I had shared my body as a woman, and I’d given it to a man I’d always loved in one way or another.
Although emotional, it was also one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. I felt as though we had come together, offering peace and serenity to one another, in a world that had stopped moving.
It wasn’t until the next morning, as the sun came up, that my life took the course it was meant to.
* * *
I was facing Travis’s front door, waiting for Ace to pick me up. I had gotten up before Travis and called Ace to come get me. He was nervous and concerned as to why I’d choose to leave Travis, since I was supposed to stay the entire week to give Ace time with his family. He knew Travis and I were close, as close as Travis would allow anyone to be, anyway.
I made up a story about how I was missing his dog, Diamond, and Rae’s son, Decklan. I promised to help him around the house while he oversaw the others. It wasn’t a great story, and I could tell Ace internally questioned it, but he said he’d be over as soon as he could.
He was taking way too long.
Travis was leaning on the kitchen counter, drinking a glass of orange juice. He hadn’t said much to me since I told him I was leaving, but Travis never said much about anything that upset him. And I had upset him. His quiet disposition hadn’t ever felt uncomfortable to me until that day.
“I deserve to know why you’re leaving,” he demanded, losing patience.
My back was to him so he couldn’t see the tears in my eyes. “You know why.”
“I fucking don’t.”
Turning around, clutching the dress I had worn the day before to my chest, I watched a sad expression cross his face. What we had done had already changed us. There was nothing I could’ve attempted that would’ve made Travis look at me the way he had just the day before.
“I can’t be here.”
“Why not?” he asked, setting his glass down on the counter and walking toward me.
Although I was nearly a room away from him, I took a step back until my body hit the door behind me. Putting my head down to avoid seeing what I’d already done, I told him what I wanted him to hear.
And it was a lie.
“Last night shouldn’t have happened. I shouldn’t have asked you to do it. I don’t love you that way.”
“You don’t love me that way.” He repeated my words in a venomous tone while continuing to walk toward me, but stopped near the dining room table. “You woke up this morning and decided last night shouldn’t have happened.”
His voice was changing from hurt to angry, and I silently thanked God for giving that to him. Anger was going to be easier to accept.
“Yes. It was a mistake.”
As I waited for Travis to say something, to offer some kind of way out of the night before, I contemplated the severity of my lie.
I’d taken something that could never be mine. I couldn’t be with Travis. I couldn’t accept whatever he was offering. Being with him would be putting everything he was to me at risk.
Travis was my best friend, my anchor, and if not for any other reason, Ace wouldn’t allow it. I couldn’t jeopardize Travis’s nearest and dearest relationship. He and Ace had been close for so long, I’d be putting Travis in a precarious position if we were together.
I’d be putting myself in the same position if we weren’t. I could suffer through wanting something I’d never have. I couldn’t lose the one person whom I’d turned to and leaned on for steady support all these years. Losing his friendship would ruin me, especially now that Bean had died.
He couldn’t be in love with me, though.
“I have fuckin’ waited,” he started, leaning his broad body down on the table with his hands braced in front of him.
I saw his stance in the corner of my eye; it remained rigid. His bare chest was taut, every muscle angry. His shoulders clenched, waiting for me to tell him the truth.
Finally, inhaling, I lifted my eyes to meet his. All signs of love, care, and passion were gone. In their place were anger, resentment, and regret.
He was already regretting our time together.
“Stay,” he snapped.
“I can’t. Ace is already on his way.”
“Fuck Ace. Ace can go back home. Stay with me today, Sarah. We’ll talk about this. Then stay tonight because it’s what you want.”
“I can’t,” I returned, holding my breath.
“Did I hurt you?” he asked. “Is that it?”
Physically he hadn’t hurt me. He’d been aggressive when he touched me, but not in a way that caused me pain. He was passionate before, during, and after we. . . . So the problem wasn’t him. It was me. I woke up before he did and realized, I had somehow manipulated his emotions and ultimately used his own brokenness against him.
But, I’d take a piece of him, and a memory of that night that no one, not even Ace, could ever take away.
“You didn’t hurt me,” I whispered.
“The night of Hayden and Lacey’s wedding,” he started, ignoring my words. He straightened, but didn’t make a move to step closer. “I wanted you.”
Surprised by his admission, I inhaled a strangled breath.
“I did,” he reiterated. “I felt your reaction when I put my hands on you. When I kissed you that night, you kissed me back.”
“That wasn’t this, Trav,” I coldly reminded him. “That was a kiss. This wasn’t.”
The night Hayden and Lacey got married, Travis and I had kissed. It was passionate, and we’d both known it was wrong. We were drunk, but that wasn’t why we did it. Even then we had been testing the boundaries of our relationship.
“I didn’t just want to kiss you that night.” He spoke over my denial. “I wanted all of you, even then. I told myself to walk away and forget it happened. I wanted to believe it was the alcohol, and to a point I did.”
“It was the alcohol. We both drank a lot,” I try to excuse him, but he’s not listening.
“I told myself you didn’t feel that way about me. Since that night, every time I saw you, Sarah, I’ve had to fight to keep from shaking you so you’d notice me. I wanted you to see me.”
“I do,” I whispered.
“You fuckin’ don’t!” Travis’s voice echoed off the walls; his anger was no longer contained. “Years, Sarah! I’ve been by your side. I’ve accepted being whoever the fuck you need. A playmate, a
chauffeur, a target for your fucked-up attitude, and now. . . .”
“Now. . . .”
The unfinished sentence hung between us. His hands balled into fists at his sides. His jaw continued to tick and his eyes looked void of any emotion at all.
“Now,” he said. “Now we’re exactly what you wanted us to be.” He paused, studied my face as though memorizing it. “We’re a fuckin’ mistake.”
Swallowing hard, I started to step in his direction, but he moved his hand up to keep me still.
Unable to touch him, I felt as if he were building a wall between us. All my worries of anchors, friendship, and love were being replaced with his sudden distaste for my presence.
“It’s best you and I don’t talk for a while,” he voiced with a piercing glare. But his words were hollow, each echoing off the walls of my chest.
It was everything I’d feared when I woke up, and it was coming full circle. I was already losing him.
“Wait, Travis, please,” I begged.
“It will take everything I have to forgive you, and even then I’m not so sure if I can.”
I released a sob and dropped the dress I was holding; visions of him removing it flashed through my head. I covered my mouth with my hands, trying to remain quiet.
“I can’t look at you anymore,” he said, before turning around and walking away.
* * *
Marlee and Toby, as well as Lacey and Rae, tried to help me through the initial loss. Travis was insistent that I never be left alone. He and I didn’t talk for a few days after what we had done. Finally, unable to continue avoiding each other, we started exchanging words in front of the others. It was a false sense of friendship, but it was a start.
Several times, Trav tried to get me to talk about our night together. I refused, never trying to make him understand my reasoning for letting him go. I wasn’t sure he’d believe I could be so selfless and selfish at the same time. Travis was so sure of us; it was me who wasn’t.
My concerns were simple to feel, but hard to put into words. Travis was my best friend. It would have been selfish of me to risk his friendship; what if things didn’t work out? If Ace found out and didn’t approve, I’d lose him.