“What? I was happy to fill in for you.” He nudged me with his elbow. “Get it? Fill in? Because I stuck my—”
“I see,” Mira said, her jaw tightening slightly. “And the camera?”
“Funny story,” he said, “It turns out Porn’s not just her name, it’s also her hobby.”
Chapter 26
The elevator ride made me look forward to fighting monsters to the death. Fortunately, we were out of there quick and heading to the streets.
Calling Soi Cowboy a ‘club street’ is like calling Mardi Gras a small get together. Lined on both sides with strip clubs and places offering “special” services, it was enough to make your average monk spontaneously explode. Or it would have if it wasn’t for the dozen or so Shaped in the middle of the street.
They looked like normal people, but I couldn’t see any intelligence in their eyes.
Whatever this djinn ink stuff was, it had obviously stripped them of any free will.
I was about to praise whatever gods were worshipped here because there weren’t any dead bodies around this time for them to build from, but as I looked at the center of the horde, I realized that was by design.
Stitched together from animals, the grotesque beast smiled at me, wearing the grinning face of a monkey.
I recognized that grin just as the creature spoke.
“Oh, hello Mister Vedis,” said the voice that had possessed the body of Nathan, the wearape. “Did you miss me?”
“Nathan, right?”
“Not exactly, though I did hitch a ride inside him. Names don’t matter anyway.”
“They do to me.”
“That’s a shame.”
“Well, I gotta call you something,” I pointed out.
“Oh, well…uh…hmmm.”
“I got it,” I said after a few seconds. “Seeing as how you seem to like monkeys, I’m going to call you Bubbles.”
Bert looked at me.
“May I be excused?” he asked. “My doctor said I’m supposed to avoid getting in fights with creatures that mock everything that’s good in the world.” He put his hand to his spine. “Bad back, you know.”
“Fine, hang back,” I replied, holding back a sigh. “I’ll try to fight without you.”
He looked around at the Shaped who were slowly walking towards us.
“Uh, you know,” Bert said with a gulp, “maybe I’m feeling brave after all.” He took off his clothes and put them into a bag he’d pulled from his pocket. “It’s got to be safer jumping inside you than fighting these things from the outside, right?”
Bubbles watched us, but didn’t move.
Not yet.
“I'm disappointed in you,” he remarked. “You said you were coming for me, but you didn’t.” Then, wagged his finger at me and clucked his tongue in disapproval. “No, I had to come to you.”
“I’m ready Mark,” I heard Mira say through the connector. “Just tell me where to attack.”
I focused, looking for their energy cores, while listening to Bubbles continue to mock me.
“Well, never let it be said that I play hard to get,” he continued. “No, when I see what I want, I go for it.” Then, he took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “And what I want is–”
Bang.
Whatever Bubbles had been about to say was lost as his head exploded, reducing his body to hairy sludge in seconds.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
Three more creatures took hits, melting instantly.
“The fuck was that?” Bert rasped, poking his head out from his hiding spot behind me.
The answer came in the form of a woman, the embodiment of a teenage boy’s wet dream.
She ran to meet us, her long red hair flowing behind her as she fired, taking out two more Shaped as she went.
Bert stepped out in front of me, his eyes bugging out of his head as he watched her run.
Literally.
His eyeball puffed out like a Pug in a vacuum cleaner.
I pulled my own eyes away and looked at Mira, whose head was tilted as her lips slightly parted.
“Damn,” she admitted. “I’m straight and I’d hit that.”
The woman stopped long enough to hand each of us a gun, pulling them out of a backpack, of all places.
“Aim for their cores,” she shouted. “The sights on the pistols are enchanted to light up when you get close.
“Our ammunition doesn’t work on them,” I called back.
“They work with special ammunition, energy absorbing rounds that are similar to the Retriever’s Coffin Nails.” She smiled. “They should destroy the core if you get close.” She glanced at her gun. “The lab techs call them Leeches.”
Then she ran off, leaving us wondering what the hell had just happened. Something about her seemed familiar, but I put it out of my head as I raised the pistol.
“You heard the lady,” I said. “Let’s get to work.”
Within minutes, all but one of the Shaped was reduced to goo, and that one was missing both of its arms and one of its legs.
I called the team back.
“It can’t move,” I said. “Let’s try to get it back alive.”
“You cheated,” the Shaped said, taking on the grin and voice of Bubbles.
“Ah, fuck it,” I said, raising the pistol to his head. “He’s just going to melt or explode or something.”
“Wait,” Bubbles pleaded. “Let me gloat and I’ll give you a hint about my plans.” He slunk back a bit to appear less threatening. “Come on, be a sport.”
I glanced at my team, who responded with a collective “meh.”
“Make it quick,” I warned, hoping he might slip up and tell us something useful.
“Okay, thanks,” he said. “Look, I’m pretty much done with my plan, so the next time I attack, I’m coming to you in person. I’ll give you three days to prepare, but I expect you to put on a good show.”
“Three days, eh?” I scoffed. “I’m sure I can trust you.”
I cocked the hammer on the pistol back, mostly to look bad-ass.
“On this you can,” he stated firmly. “You’ve provided so much splendid data thus far, so it’s in my best interest to give you a fighting chance.”
Bubbles smiled.
That gnarled grin was seriously getting on my nerves.
“I’ll admit that it’s led to vast improvements in our product,” he continued, “but I feel we’re nearing the end of what we can learn from you. Simple tricks like your magic bullets are interesting, but I’m primarily looking for genetic data, not what technical tricks you have up your sleeve.”
Bubbles looked at my arm.
“Or rather, on your wrist.”
His eyes came back up to mine.
“Pushing you to your limit before killing you is all that’s left.”
I looked at my wrist, pretending to check my watch.
“Is that it?
“Almost,” he replied. “Come closer so I can tell you something. It’s a secret.”
I wasn’t falling for that.
“Not a chance, dickbrain.”
He shrugged, I think. Tough to tell since he didn’t have arms.
“Worth a shot,” he said.
Then, he exploded.
Chapter 27
After a quick wipe down from some wet tissues, I turned to our new friend.
“Thanks for the help,” I said, being careful to make eye contact so that Mira couldn’t accuse me of gawking. “Who are you?”
“No problem Mark,” she shouted.
“Uh, we’re right here,” I belted back, putting my fingers in my ears. “No need to—”
But then I put the pieces together, which caused my face to contort in disbelief.
“Alan?”
“Yes,” she said, still shouting. “Wait, why am I so loud?” She frowned. “One second, please.”
I heard a robotic voice say, “Voice modulation activated.”
“Is that how I used
to sound?” Alan asked, at a much more reasonable volume. “That gets really annoying.”
She shook her head, causing interesting things to happen to the rest of her body.
“I guess I never noticed it before I had ears.”
“Okay,” I said, blinking rapidly as my brain tried to make sense of everything, “explain please.”
“Explain what?”
“Why are you here and why do you look like, well, that?”
I made an hourglass shape with my hands.
“You don’t like it?” she asked, frowning. “I searched for the ideal woman on the internet to base my body on, and this is what came up.” She grabbed her chest and squeezed. “Is it the breasts?” she asked. “I can shrink them if they are too large.”
Bert jumped up and down in front of me, attempting to stick his finger in my face.
“Don’t You Fucking Dare! I’ve put up with a lot of shit lately, but I will not stand for any loss of titties.” His eyes were smoldering. “Not today. Not ever!”
Damn.
“Okay, okay,” I breathed, backing away slowly. “Calm down, Bert.” Then I glanced back at the beauty before me. “You look fine, Alan.”
That was a lie.
She looked hot.
Beyond hot, actually.
“I’m just surprised to see you here,” I continued, “or, well, anywhere. What’s the story?”
“Oh, it’s very interesting,” Alan explained. “Apparently there was an android prototype being tested. Stone arranged to have the test fast-tracked to give you some help.”
I nodded, still keeping my eyes on Alan’s face. Judging by the way Mira’s head was bobbing in sync with Alan’s chest, though, I hadn’t needed to bother.
“Since I…” She trailed for a moment. “Actually, since Alan already knew you, they used his AI as a model.”
She chewed one of her fingernails.
“Actually, my ‘father’ is still running the Kansas City as their AI, so we should probably call me something else?” She looked up at me. “Something female, maybe?”
“Sounds good,” I said with an emphatic nod. “Hm, since you’re a girl how about we call you—”
“Anal!”
I glared at Bert as Mira slapped him across the back of his head.
“What?” he asked, rubbing his skull. “That’s my aunt’s name. Besides, it’s also an anagram for Alan.”
“Your aunt’s name is ‘Anal’?” I asked.
“Yeah,” Bert replied. “Our names aren’t like yours, Mark. Besides, my aunt loves butt stuff.” He looked thoughtful. “More of a nickname, really.”
“How about Lana?” Mira suggested, waving her hand to take the sting of the slap away.
She must have really put some power in it for it to hurt him through his thick skin.
“Oh, that sounds nice,” the android formerly known as Alan said. “Let’s call me Lana.”
“Anyway Lana,” I said, glaring at Bert again, “Stone sent you to join the team?”
“Yes,” she said. “He said this was a group of freaks and fuckups and that I’d blend right in.”
She bowed deeply, exposing an extraordinary amount of cleavage and sending Bert into another round of eye-bulging.
“It’s an honor to work with you, sir,” she said in grandiose fashion.
I was captivated too, though I tried not to show it.
“Sir,” Lana asked, “are you okay?”
“Sure,” I said. “Why?
“You seem to have something poking out of your lower torso,” she noted, pointing. “Is it a hernia? I’m trained in first aid. Let me attempt to massage it back in place.”
I jumped back as she reached for the front of my shorts.
“No, it’s okay, don’t worry about it.”
Mira looked at me, then burst out laughing.
“Seriously,” she said, “You’ve got the hots for Rosie the Robot?”
“It’s the entrainment I went through,” I grumbled, turning away. “It only allows me to be attracted to people I can’t have kids with.”
“Oh,” she said as if slapped. Her laughter stopped instantly and her face dropped. “I see.”
“Don’t be like that,” I said. “I mean, come on. Clearly, you were able to bypass that restriction.” I grinned. “I mean look at you. You’re a baby factory in waiting.”
I knew that was a mistake as soon as I said it.
“I get it now,” she said, tears springing to her eyes. “You were only attracted to me because I can’t have kids. Your body was wired to want me because it knew.”
“What are you talking about?” I asked, feeling my lower part losing attention.
“I’m infertile,” she replied, crossing her arms to hug herself as she turned away from me. “I’ll never be a mother.”
Fuck me with hockey skates.
“Oh shit,” I said, grabbing her and wrapping her in a hug. “I didn’t know. I’m sorry.”
Just when I thought I was getting the hang of talking with people, I screwed up again. It was the Vedis curse.
The worst part of it was I couldn’t argue with what she’d said. If I hadn’t been brainwashed, I might have ignored her back at the Club Dream.
Right?
I had ignored her, at first.
Didn’t I?
No, no, no. I wasn’t going to go down this road with myself again. This second-guessing shit had to stop.
Beside, what-the-fuck-ever my mind wanted to throw at me, it couldn’t reject that I’d found her.
That was what counted.
“It doesn’t change anything,” I told her, and I meant it.
“It’s ok,” she said after a minute, not exactly coldly, but chilly enough to let me know that this wasn’t over. “Let’s just not talk about it, all right?”
I nodded, holding her until she gently pushed me away.
“We better get to the station,” she said, straightening her clothes and turning back towards the metro station.
As we walked away, Bert started talking to Lana.
“So, you’ve got a vagina, right?” he asked. “I mean, I can adjust if you don’t, but I’m just asking.”
The slap that followed echoed through the night was followed by a thud.
“He’s not moving,” Lana called out to Mira a few moments later. “Did I do it right?”
Chapter 28
This probably isn’t a surprise, but morgues are depressing places, especially when you’re already in a bad mood. Conversation had been kept to a minimum on the trip back to the PPD station as we all struggled with the issues we were facing.
Even Bert was quiet, but that may have been due to a concussion from Lana’s backhand.
I’d dropped the team off at the officer’s bullpen to start planning our next move with the local crew.
Chief Vicki didn’t resist at all.
In fact, she seemed like a completely different person now that her secrets were out in the open. Whether it was penance, or the fake cheer of someone who knows they are doomed didn’t matter. All that I cared about was that she could hold it together until the crisis was over.
That went for all of us.
I put all of that aside and did what I’d come here to do: deal with the remains of my two teammates. The ones Bubbles had taken from me before I’d even had a chance to get to know them.
I’d asked to see the remains of the previous team, but they had been processed before I’d arrived.
Fortunately, Tranq, the PPD coroner was a professional. None of that sandwich-eating wise-cracking bullshit you see on TV. He was calm and respectful, and radiated an aura of competency.
He was a pixie.
That he, a member of a race known for their insults and crudeness, was able to hold a job like coroner made me respect him even more, even if I felt a little sorry for him.
Being professional couldn’t be easy when your first instinct was to mock and insult everything you ever saw.
&nb
sp; “You see,” he said in a slow, Sam Elliott type of voice, “both of these fuc…erm, officers were stabbed, one from behind. We haven’t seen that in any of the other cases.”
“Don’t worry about censoring yourself,” I said. “You can curse in front of me if you want. I know it’s just the pixie way.”
He gave me a small bow, which lead to a front flip. Apparently flying and bowing aren’t a good combination.
“Thank you,” Tranq said, “but I consider it an exercise in self control.”
That, I understood.
I turned my attention to the bodies, a goblin woman and fae man.
An unlikely pairing, to say the least.
I wondered why Stone had sent them, and what might have been different if I’d got to Bangkok quicker.
Guilt threatened to overwhelm me, but I forced myself to listen to what Tranq was saying.
“I found traces of djinn ink in Theresa’s body,” he instructed. “That was the woman’s name. There wasn’t any in Caleb’s though.”
“Meaning what?” I asked. “They were being turned into Shaped when they died?
“It’s possible,” he answered, pulling at the little hairs on his chin, “We can’t discount it, though it’s more likely that whatever snot eating bas…I mean person, killed them, just needed to subdue one of them for some reason.”
I rubbed my forehead, trying to massage away a stress headache.
I was in way too deep.
A few days ago I’d been a beat cop with no prospects and few responsibilities. The biggest problem I had was cranking down the windows on the falcon whenever Officer Roberts cranked out a beefy fart.
My poor car.
I’d been driving when we went to investigate The Stockyard, so for all I knew it was still sitting in the parking lot. My rent was due in my Kansas City apartment too.
It was strangely comforting to worry about mundane issues. Rent, I could deal with. People dying because of my fuckups was a lot harder to take.
Part of me—a large part—felt Stone should have put someone else in charge.
Even at my most self-critical, I acknowledged there weren’t many who could have pulled off as much as I had so far.
I’d saved people…even if many of them were only in jeopardy because of me.
Bangkok Warlock: A Mark Vedis Supernatural Thriller Book 1 (Southeast Asia Paranormal Police Department) Page 15