by Sue MacKay
And she’d thought she couldn’t hurt any deeper. The genuineness of those words cut her to the core. ‘Of course. Helping people is what you do. Staying around and getting involved is not.’ Vitriol was not pretty, but again her tongue had raced away on her.
‘I can’t do anything about that. I’ve been involved, married, about to become a father, and lost it all. I am never going there again. You have to understand.’ He was pleading with her.
Damn it, her heart softened a little. Of course he’d been hurt dreadfully when he’d lost his wife. And apparently an unborn baby. But did he have to lock his heart up for ever? She was asking that? She who’d never wanted to risk being hurt again? That she’d fallen in love with Mac had been completely by accident, but she was prepared to allow him in. ‘Why not give us a chance?’
He looked her up and down, and shook his head. ‘I don’t think so.’
That look made her feel stupid, told her she still wasn’t any good at reading men. Her chair legs screeched across the floor as she leapt up. She wanted to beg, to lick her hand again to create that need in his eyes, place her heart in front of him. But that was how she used to deal with people, always trying to appease them. Not any more. Mac either wanted her or he didn’t, and, anyway, it was there in his sad but steady gaze—she’d be wasting her time and making a goat of herself into the bargain.
‘Time I went back to work.’ Heading for the lift to take her down to the department, she concentrated on holding back the hot tears gathering in the corners of her eyes. Crying never got her anywhere, and tonight would be no exception.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
MAC SAT ON his deck, a thick jersey keeping the cold out, and looked out at the bridge and harbour and saw nothing. Nothing except the agony in Kelli’s eyes.
But hell, was he feeling. A deep pain he’d hoped to never know again. The loss of something so important it paralysed him. Something he hadn’t yet had the guts to acknowledge. Love. For. Kelli.
Not ready. Too fast. Can’t get involved.
Tipping his head back, he stared up at the cloudy sky. Not visible in the dark, it would be grey, he knew, like his heart, heavy with rain as he was with unshed tears. Despite not wanting to he’d gone and got himself in love with the most wonderful woman walking the city.
Slow learner. Hadn’t he spent the years between Cherie’s death and now denying the need to love, to cherish and adore a woman? To have someone to bare his soul with, and have hers back? Hadn’t he accepted he’d had his chance and needn’t expect a second shot at happiness? He’d believed it was impossible to know love twice.
Afraid to take it, more like.
Not that he was happy right now. Far from it. Falling in love was a foolish mistake. Letting it cut him off at the knees worse. If only he’d walked away last night after they’d returned to the city, told Kelli thanks and to have a great life. There’d been no reason to postpone the ending to their pretend engagement. The sooner the better for everyone really.
The fact he couldn’t not kiss Kelli again and follow up with wanting to make love had nothing to do with this sense of slip sliding, into an abyss.
When the helicopter had touched down yesterday he and Kelli had had to go in separate directions. Kelli’s mother had invited them back to the family home for a barbecue. He’d declined, knowing how close to the wire that would take him. One lie too many. But Kelli had gone. She’d been torn, but he’d nudged her. She adored her family and he’d thought they might have tonight together, stalling on ending their relationship because he was selfish, wanted it all without giving his heart.
Ha. Showed what he knew about anything. He’d done his bit and now they were back to being colleagues in the department. But he was greedy, had wanted one more day, and he’d got it. In spades.
Leaping up, he charged inside and came to an abrupt halt in front of the blasted painting that also messed with his mind. His hands gripped his hips as he stared at it, felt it. From the sharp strokes of colour he knew that his future hung in the balance. He either leapt without looking any further, or he crawled into a hole and hid away until his head and heart returned to normal. Uninvolved normal. Cold. Lonely. Sad. Gutless.
Who’d brought his smile back after dealing with Michael’s grief and his own memories of a similar experience? The first person he’d ever let that close since Cherie, and now he’d gone and shunted her out of his life. There’d be no coming back from that horrid conversation in the cafeteria. He’d hurt Kelli. All because he refused to acknowledge his feelings. Yet now that he had nothing would change. The past still held him captive.
His phone chirped. He’d ignore it, didn’t want to talk to anyone tonight. But it was nearly two a.m. so unless it was Kelli—unlikely—then it could be an emergency. Or Michael struggling to cope with his day.
The display showed Conor. The thumping in his heart slowed as he pressed talk. ‘Hey, man. How’s things?’
‘I’m a dad. To the cutest little girl you’ll ever meet. She’s awesome, dude, seriously awesome. Tamara is a legend...twelve hours’ labour and yet she’s smiling like there’s no end to Christmas.’
When Conor paused to take a breath he cut in. ‘Congratulations to you both. That’s wonderful news. I’m glad it went well.’ He felt a heel, as if he was raining on his friend’s parade with his stilted comments. But it was all he could manage. His mate had to recognise the distress in his polite words.
Stop thinking of yourself for once.
Thankfully Conor was on a different planet, and the Irish accent thick with excitement. ‘She’s tiny, and looks like Tam. Wait, I’ll send you a photo. You’ve got to see this.’
An email arrived. ‘Hold on, I’m going to check this out.’ Without cutting Conor off? ‘Keep yabbering on while I crank up the laptop.’
‘Wish you were here, man. We could have a beer or three.’ Conor laughed as if that were the funniest thing he’d ever said. ‘And afterwards Tam would kill me.’
Clicking on Conor’s email and bringing up the photo of Tamara holding the most beautiful baby against her breast, Mac felt his heart splinter. ‘Oh, man.’ Sniff. ‘You weren’t exaggerating. She’s lovely.’
‘Gabriella. That’s her name.’
‘How soon before you’re saying Gaby?’ Mac struggled to find a chuckle in the thick of tears clogging his throat. If jealous was the word to describe what was suffocating him right now, then he was jealous. He and Cherie had nearly had this. He and Kelli could have this.
‘Already have,’ replied Conor. ‘Got the wicked-witch eyes from you know who.’ Not that he sounded as if that was a punishment.
Mac bit down on the jealousy. Wrong time and place, if there ever was a right one. It was his choice to be where he was at in his life, no one else’s. ‘I’m thrilled for you. I know how determined you were not to have a family and now listen to you. Happier than a toddler on chocolate.’
‘I don’t intend having the low that usually follows that. The cardiologist thinks Gaby’s heart is fine, and as that’s all I ask for I’m going to run with it. Relax and enjoy my family. Got to go. Mum’s calling from Dublin.’
‘Catch you tomorrow. Hugs to Tamara.’
Had Conor heard any of that? In his excitement he’d been quick to cut the call.
Mac wanted to call Kelli, share the good news, go over the details. Hear her sweet voice. She’d have been the first person Tamara would’ve called; they were that tight.
He pushed his phone aside. Time he went to bed and got some shut-eye.
Still running away.
His mate’s fabulous luck added to his own uncertainty. Underscored what was missing from his life. As Mac made his way through the darkened apartment as confident as if he had possum vision, he couldn’t shake the sense that everything he wanted was right there, beckoning, waiting for him to take tha
t last step, take the risk, chance his heart with Kelli.
* * *
‘She’s gorgeous,’ Kelli whispered through the tears drenching her face, dripping onto her nightwear tee shirt.
‘I know,’ giggled Tamara. They were on their second phone conversation in less than an hour. ‘Who’d have believed I’d produce a child so beautiful?’
‘You’ll choke on that pride,’ Kelli giggled back. It was good to hear Tam so besotted. If ever there was someone who deserved happiness that was Tamara. Her past had been diabolical and then along came Conor and the stars hadn’t stopped shining for her friend since. If only there were more stars to go round, she might get a bite of the pie too.
With Mac? Only with Mac. And since that wasn’t about to happen any time this century, then she was plumb out of luck.
‘You’ve got to come over to Sydney and meet Gabriella,’ Tam was yabbering on. ‘Asap. She’ll grow so fast you’ll miss so much.’
‘I’ll flip across for a weekend as soon as I can arrange it.’ That’d give her something to focus on rather than an unobtainable man and the heartache he’d started up for her. ‘With a bit of luck I’ll get flights that fit in with my shifts. I can’t ask for another Friday off just yet.’
‘Let me know when you’ve booked.’ The giggles had stopped, but the wonder was still in Tam’s voice. ‘Seriously, Kelli, this motherhood stuff’s amazing. I know there are going to be days and nights when I’ll be pulling my hair out, but today I fell instantly in love with this little human. She’s stolen my heart and I’m never going to let go.’
‘Stop it.’ Kelli sniffed back another flood. Until now babies had always been on the back burner, something to get serious about later. Couldn’t have one without having a partner and she wasn’t getting tied to any man to be trashed again. Then along came Mac, cool as, sexy as, kind and fun as. And bang. All the theories in the world sloped out of the back door leaving her slam dunked in love.
‘Was Mac as hot as you’d hoped?’
Where did that come from? ‘Sure, he’s hot.’ That was all she was admitting. The first time she’d ever kept something from her bestie, and it didn’t sit easy, but Tam wouldn’t let it go if she had any clue.
‘Hot to look at? Or hot up close and touching?’ drilled her bestie.
‘Does it matter?’
‘Conor, you hold Gabriella for a minute. I’ve got some serious talking to do here.’
Great, she was in for a speech. ‘I’ve got to go, Tam. It’s two-thirty in the morning and I should be sleeping. I’ll call tomorrow morning.’
‘Don’t hang up on me, Kells. You answered my call before the first ring finished so you weren’t even trying to sleep.’
Kells. Said it all, really. Even though she knew she wasn’t going to like whatever was coming her heart swelled for her friend. ‘Go on.’ Might as well get it over. Sleep would be impossible anyway.
‘I saw you and Mac together at my wedding. Sparks were flying between you.’
‘You’ve told me this.’ Could be she was getting off with only a warning.
‘So? The weekend? Spill.’
‘Just as hot.’ More so. ‘But there’s a catch.’
‘Isn’t there always? You have to make allowances.’
‘Mac went as my fiancé. Not true, of course,’ Kelli was quick to point out, just in case Tam got some strange ideas in that sharp head of hers. ‘It was meant to put Jason firmly out of the picture and on that score we succeeded.’
Laughter was peeling through cyber into her ear. ‘You and Mac pretended to be engaged. Wow, that’s way more than I suggested, or believed you’d have the guts to undertake.’
‘It’s not funny.’
‘It’s hilarious. Hey, Conor, wait till I tell you this.’
‘Hanging up now.’ But she didn’t. Her fingers tightened around the phone, pressing it painfully hard against her ear. ‘Tam, I’m in a fix.’
‘You’ve got to explain to your family. Hope Mac’s got medical insurance.’ Tam was still laughing.
Anger flared. This was not funny.
Suddenly Tamara sobered up. ‘Kells, the family will understand, might even be embarrassed that you had to take such drastic measures. Ah, no, cancel that. They’ll tear your hide off, wrap you in big Barnett hugs, and shake Mac’s hand for helping you out.’
‘I’ll keep you posted. Tomorrow has to be the big reveal. I can’t go on living under this any longer.’ Not when Mac had made it plain they weren’t going anywhere.
‘What’s the real issue here? You gone and got too close to Dr Hunk?’
There shouldn’t be any tears left in the tank. Seemed she knew Jack nothing. ‘Something like that.’
‘What are you going to do about it?’ Only sympathy now.
‘Tie bricks to my feet and jump off the wharf.’
‘Yep, I can see that working. Then again, you could try going with this something, spend more time with Mac, get to know him even better, not only in the sack. Find out if he’s the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with.’
She already knew the answer to that.
‘Kells? I get it. You do, don’t you?’
Again she couldn’t find the words to explain herself.
‘You’re afraid. I get that too. Been there, got the man and baby to show for it. And guess what, I’m over the moon with happiness. I want you to have this. I really do.’
‘Easy for you to say,’ she croaked.
‘Nothing about getting to where I am now was easy. But it was worth all the crap that went down.’
‘Mac’s not interested in me.’ Other than between the sheets, and in the shower, behind the trees. Certainly not as a lifelong partner who might get to know what made him tick. ‘Please don’t share this with Conor. I know he’s your nearest and dearest but I did hold that position platonically for years before he turned up.’
‘All between you and me.’
‘Thanks. I’d better let you go. You’ve got a daughter to feed or change or hug. Yes, hug her from me, will you? Love you, Tam.’ Kelli cut the call and tossed the phone onto the bedside table.
Telling Tam that much about her feelings for Mac was too much. Not that her friend would ever say a word to anyone else but now she’d enunciated it she could no longer pretend she was in control, no longer pretend that she’d be able to shove her love in a dark corner and forget about it, bring it out only on dull days and Billy’s wedding anniversaries. Now she had to face up to the fact she loved Mac with a capital L and that it wasn’t going anywhere.
Sleep would never happen tonight. Kelli tossed the bedcovers aside, found her thick dressing gown, the soft, warm, comfort blanket one that did nothing to enhance her figure but a lot to soothe her jangled nerves, and went to boot up the laptop. If she couldn’t rest then she might as well make use of the time and check out flights to Sydney.
* * *
‘Look at these gorgeous pictures of Gabriella, Stephanie.’ Kelli handed her phone over to the head nurse. ‘Tam had her at midnight Australia time last night. Isn’t she a little cutey?’
‘Mac showed me a couple of photos earlier. She’s gorgeous.’ Stephanie sighed. ‘Lucky girl.’
‘You want babies?’ Kelli asked. So Mac hadn’t been backward in sharing the news. His usual reticence about friendships must be missing. Where was he anyway? She’d been vigilant when she’d entered the department, not wanting to be caught unawares in case she gave herself away to those all-seeing eyes.
‘Sure. Don’t you some time?’
‘Haven’t given it too much thought. Got other things to sort before worrying about getting pregnant, if you know what I mean.’
‘Figured you were halfway to getting that done.’ Stephanie handed the phone back, a big, cheeky grin on her dial.
‘Nope. Haven’t even started,’ Kelli told her. ‘Who have you got for me?’ She held out a hand for a patient report form.
‘We’ll have handover first,’ came the steady, uninvolved voice of the man who’d kept her awake all night.
Plastering on a smile as false as her engagement, Kelli slowly turned to face Mac. ‘No problemo.’ Not like everything else.
‘I called around to your place after lunch but you weren’t answering the door,’ Mac told her.
‘I was out.’ His face paled. Tough. ‘Shopping.’ Nothing like a bit of retail therapy.
‘Not having lunch with your parents, then?’
‘I look whole, don’t I?’
His eyes scanned the length of her, hesitating at her breasts. ‘We need to talk about that.’
‘There’s nothing to talk about. I’ve got it sorted.’
‘You’ve told them?’
‘Not yet. But I will. On my own.’
His nod was abrupt. ‘Right.’ He glanced around, found they had an audience, and shivered. ‘Listen up, everyone. I’m sure you’ve all heard the news about Conor and Tamara’s baby arriving last night. Gabriella. What say we all put in and send flowers to the happy family?’
Amongst murmurings of agreement Kelli watched Mac. Shadows darkened his upper cheeks, filled his eyes. As if he hadn’t slept either. It was going to be a long week. If only she’d been able to get a flight across the Tasman for Saturday but there was a rugby league match on between New Zealand and Australia in Sydney and not a seat to spare. She’d even checked business class thinking the money would be worth it if it got her out of town. But that’d been a waste of time. She’d just have to go hiking on Rangitoto Island all weekend, up and down, up and down, ten times till the ferry returned late Sunday to pick her up.
The ambulance bay buzzer buzzed. Loud, demanding, and the perfect solution to wanting to get away from standing in the same air as Mac.