He said, “sure you can have this one.”
I reached over found my lamp and turned it on. It was Robert, but I would not tell the jerk. He gave me a piece of paper; it had an official look with the ‘State of New York’ emblem drawn on it. It said I married an individual named Bruce.
I said, “I laid corrected.” Excellent, we were married on a Sunday, and we are both 21. I know it was legal because my brother Steve’s girlfriend Joeann signed it. Alice asked, “do you have a last name, and where are we going to live?”
“You can call me Bruce Lover, and I live here in the Lunatic Ward.”
“How do you get in and out?”
Bruce said, “I have the keys.”
Bruce said, “since we got past the introduction. Now we can kiss each other and start our honeymoon.”
I said, “I haven’t much experience in the making out stuff why don’t you wait a minute I’ll call my mom?”
He said, “it’s easy, let me show you.” “He put his hands on my face slightly moved it, so my lips were facing him, and then he kissed me gently.”
Alice said, “my turn, she grabbed Bruce bend him over, and French kissed him for a full three minutes.”
Without skipping a beat, Robert asked, “did you spend a lot of time in France?”
Alice said, “No! Green’s gym, I swim there twice a week.” “The ladies in the locker room can’t shut up about their sexual exploits.”
We kissed for a while, joked around about everything, chuckled and ate candies.
The nurse told my husband it was getting late, and he had to leave.
I made him stand still for a minute; I wished to look at him. I asked him what would happen if he didn’t come back?
He said, “Alice Marie DeVan that will never happen.”
As I was falling asleep, half dreaming about my new husband and new nightgowns, an attendant walked up to the bed and said, you’re a lucky woman, He never let go of your hand.
The next day when my family visited, Mom, asked me how I was feeling?
“I answered like a new bride. I told her last night I married a man named Bruce Lover and he will move into our house. The only home he knows is in this hospital. Also, mom, do you think the dad could give him a job at The Diner? Bruce isn’t too smart, and we will need a lot of help to raise our children? My brothers, Tony & Steve, had to leave because they couldn’t keep their laughter under control. Mom said you’re as crazy as that fellow Robert. Move in with your father so that you can take your new husband with you. Mom said there would be no more crazy talk. She would call the police about Robert.”
My dad, Lily, and Billy visited me with some candy and flowers. I asked them where the mysterious fellow named Robert was? Without losing a beat, I said,” I need to tell him I am now a married woman.” Alice picked up a piece of paper from her nightstand and held it out.
Dad and Grandma were reading it when Billy leaned over and whispered something to them, they both laughed. Then they congratulated Alice on her marriage, wished her good luck, and could not wait to meet her husband, Mr. Lover. They stayed a little while longer and left smiling and happy.
Alice couldn’t wait to tease Robert about Mr. Lover. But, she then, remembered Billy told her that Clare has a restraining order against him, and if he gets near me, he goes to jail. So, he wouldn’t be visiting me tonight.
Alice had another long stupid day; she had to take a series of physiological verbal tests. Alice said to herself; she will straighten her mom out about Robert. She will tell her I don’t care if he pumps me every hour I want to live with Robert, at least I would have a life. Why should I sit in the dark? No, thank you. My dad has an apartment in the same building as Robert. I love this guy. Robert would live with me, and we will have a bedroom for Joeann. I can see the world with Robert. Without him, my life is nothing but darkness, no thanks. She told herself if Robert makes it tonight, she will smother him. The medics will have to get extra help and a crane to pull us apart.
Alice was sleeping when a giant sat on her bed, stoop over and kissed her. When the guy sat up, he had Alice attached to him.
Three large men approached the bed and grabbed Robert. They called themselves “Bounty Hunters.”
“Alice screamed that my husband Bruce Lover and you leave him alone.”
“Nurse Tessie came over and said he’s Mr. Lover, the man you want is in the Homicidal Ward.”
The three men disappeared.
Robert took his coat off, picked up his baby (Alice) carried her to a dark part of the Ward, found a large sofa chair, sat down and kissed her to sleep? Robert put Alice back in her bed, covered her with a blanket and kissed her goodnight.
Alice had a pleasant dream it was about Robert’s Mother Elizabeth when everyone was little, and she made lunch.
Alice continued, Robert’s Mom Elizabeth, (Who I loved beyond a little kid could) made us grilled, yellow cheese sandwiches for lunch. On hard Italian bread. In the middle of the sandwich, she put in a small amount of chopped up onions and pickles. Elizabeth grilled the cheese sandwiches in a giant black iron pan with butter and love. She put another black saucepan on top of the sandwich, to kill the cheese before she cut them up into quarters. We had to wash our hands, sit at our table. Also, everyone received a cold glass of chocolate milk and a Tootsie Roll.
We could not eat until Joeann, Sarah, Gloria, Robert, Tony, Steve, and Billy and I were sitting at the table. All the grown-ups in the house would come in and view the eight model children seated at a cloth-covered table with plates, and cloth napkins.
The adults would watch us ‘Thank God’ for our gift as they closed the door and left us alone so we could destroy everything in sight when the screaming stopped. Nap time was next as the grown-ups cleaned us up. Elizabeth would sing us a few lullabies as the three moms kissed us before we fell asleep. Then the women would clean up the lunch mess and prepare for supper.
When Alice woke up, she was back in her bed. Also, someone was sitting on it. Uncle Joe said it’s me, Alice. He was chewing a piece of candy.
“Does Bruce live here?” Alice asked him.
He answered, ‘Yes’ in the Lunatic Designated Ward.
“Who brings in the sandwiches,” Alice asked?
“Grandmother Marie brings the Prosciutto samples and submarines from the store across the street. Your ex-boyfriend picked the perfect spot for the all-night sandwich shop.”
But you haven’t heard the best, Alice, they had a T.V. star and a giant spotlight at the official opening; they pack them in all day. When I went to pay for my sandwich, your Grandma Maire (Uncle Joe’s Aunt) was working the register she gave me a kiss and a ‘Gold card’ that entitles me to free sandwiches for the rest of my life. On the back, there is a small stamped notice ‘Ten and growing.’ Alice, Uncle Joe said,” guess who signed it as president?”
She said, “My Dad,” “Tony?”
“No, your old boyfriend, Robert.”
Alice said, “that bum, he’s stuck me in here, married me off so he could expand the business without me.”
No sound for a while, then Uncle Joe said, “I surrender you two got me. You two dance where we can’t even walk.”
I stopped by to tell you, “your mother’s doctors, and the Bounty Hunters’ have disappeared.”
I kissed my Uncle goodnight and fell asleep thinking about dumping that jobless and homeless bum, Bruce.
The nurse, Tessie woke me up in the morning. She helped me with my robe and the wheelchair.
She said I saw your husband, “Bruce.”
“Big deal,” said, Alice.
“The nurse continued, you won’t be seeing him tonight nor anytime. He is in the ‘lunatic Ward.’ We call it that because it holds the most dangerous psychopaths in the Country. The people who go in there, never seem to come out. That ward has an armed guard 24 hour
s a day. They even pass their food through a small opening in the door of the cell.”
“How do you know he’s in there,” I asked her?
“The uncontrollable ones are in straight-jackets, and I must feed them by hand.”
“Did he say anything to you?”
“Yes,” she said, you’re not going to like this Mrs. Lover your husband made a pass at me, He told me, “Tessie, too bad I’m married,” “I can’t do anything.” Until they release my wife from the mental ward. Because she loves me so much, that If I divorce her now, she would jump off the roof or go into non-reversible insanity for life or longer.
Tessie continued, “I told the lovesick patient that” I will be more than happy to tell you he loves me, hates you and wants you to die. Alice. Is there anything you want me to pass on to him?”
Just then Robert showed up right in front of me, and I could see, he was pointing to the right which I found Tony and Billy, and it looked like a security guard, all laughing in hysterics. I gave Robert the finger.
“Yes, Tessie tell him this: (in a shrill voice) I, Alice Marie DeVan Lover will never give him a divorce. I asked the nurse if Bruce is in a straight jacket right now?”
The nurse said, “He’s in restraining straps.”
In a calm, cold voice, Alice said,” don’t worry I will fix his restraining straps situation. She asked Tessie, instead of going to the lady’s room, please push me over near the Restricted Wards.”
When the wheelchair was about twenty feet from ‘The real nut Wards,’ Alice’s eyesight returned. “She thanked the nurse and said goodbye.” Alice was looking straight ahead, to trick the boys into thinking she couldn’t see them.
Tony and Billy were laughing and joking with the armed guard and a few nurses. They were eating prosciutto sandwiches. Tony saw me first, turned pushed Billy, everyone looked, and stopped talking and then shuffled away.
To bring them back, I asked them not to run away. I am lonely. Now that I know Robert is a homicidal maniac sentenced to spend the rest of his life in that hell hole and my new husband Bruce want to divorce me and run off will nurse Tits.
I was pointing to the group who just worked itself back when they were near enough. I got up from the wheelchair, punched Tony on the side of the head. While he fell unconscious to the ground, I took the ward’s keys from him (which he was swinging around trying to impress the nurses).
“Billy” said, Alice, “don’t hurt him.”
“I took his sandwich and told him to wait until he is a relative.”
The guard looked at me; I told him to open the right doors or forget about guarding or walking.
I said to myself “as I walked into the open cell to kill Robert, too bad he’s a hunk.” The place looks like a crazy house in the movies with a long quiet spookily corridor, hanging fans dims lights and eerie music. Robert had the first cell to the right. He had his feet on a desk, and he was smoking, drinking a beer and reading the racing form.
Robert said Hi Hon, nice robe. I made us some coffee, do you want a cup as he poured me one? Robert said there was a lot of noise out there; you know you scared the inmates in this block. I told them to ‘Shut up’ in just my ex-girlfriend. Sweetly you could use a little make-up.
That statement pissed me off so,” I threw the cup of coffee at him (It was empty, and he always catches the cups anyway). Why couldn’t you find a bed in here for me? And the fans are not all going the same way, and that is real music I am listening too. Is that enough questions for you? OhI have two more, do you have a have a monitor on me? Which would explain your sudden appearance a few minues ago, while I was listening to Nurse Tesse’s screwball statements? And you’re wearing your straight-jacket wrong.”
“Yea, Billy put it on wrong, and it hurt, so I took it off, and I’m now using it as a sweater. Alice as a favor, please be easy on our friends. They love you, and they don’t understand what going on your grandfather-in-law, Albert the Insane, lives in the back cell with your Grandma, Marie. He is playing with the fans trying to get the nurse skirt’s to go up. Your Grandma, Marie, loves the music and plays it all the time. I wrote Tessie’s speech for the boys after 15 beers. Your Mother Claire’s family has a million-dollar bounty on me every time I look around someone is attacking me. So, guess why I am in hiding. If I get near you, I’m a goner, because they knew where I am.”
As information, when Robert and Alice and the gang were in West Virginia, Grandma Marie, went to the circus, fell in love and ran off with Albert the Insane. As it turned out, it was later found out that Albert was insane.
“Alice, we must have a sit-down, look at each other, and not stop talking until we decide what best for us.”
Alice said, “Robert don’t.”
It took a few minutes for Robert to figure out what Alice said.
Robert said, ‘don’t be tragic Alice.’ I will never, never leave you. He continued, I know you are mad at me, but Alice Maire DeVan Lover, your mother, has filed a mess of legal charges against me causing people trying to arrest me.
“Honey can I least straighten out the buttons on your pajamas, it makes you look like a real patient.” Said the man who is wearing a straight-jacket to keep the cold out.
“So, Robert the person who keeps playing with my buttons are you going to escape?”
“Alice, first we must talk about marriage, sex, children, education, and the military. Robert, what are we forty, we are nineteen, and I don’t plan on having sex until we are twenty-one. Military! Are you nuts?”
Listen to me my dear, he said.
But Alice stopped him and said, don’t give me that ‘Listen to me my dear crap,’ you should tighten that straight-jacket you half wearing.
Robert, it’s funny I haven’t thought about having children like forever. But, then again, I told my mother I was going to be the first blind soldier in the special forces. Funny the point about getting married was so romantic, I agree (as my voice rose with each statement), we don’t need a cake, a wedding gown, bridesmaids, a ring and the all-important, a proposal.
I was so mad I picked up the white coffee cup and threw it at him when I did that, everything turned to slow motion; I could read the bottom of the teacup as it spun in the air. The stamp on the bottom said, made in prosciutto land. “I yelled something I can’t tell and slammed the cell door.”
While stamping my feet, on the iron carpet in the hallway, I found to my delight three vile creatures staring at me, from their cells.
“One homicide manic asked me Trouble with the old man? Another said not getting any? The last one asked me would I please get a few cigarettes? There English was clear. The one in the rear cell was painting a little white coffee cup”.
The guard unlocked the main door, and the man threw me a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. I noticed my entire ward was looking at me. While Uncle Joe, Tony, and Billy were behind some couches, laughing themselves to death.
We lit up; I gave them the rest of the pack. The lighter disappeared, so I told the violent inmates, not to worry, I will mention the loss to my ex-boyfriend. Soon a small silver cube left a cell flew around in the air for a while and then landed in my lap. I was sitting with my back against Robert’s door, which felted right. While updating the hospital gossip with my new friends, one gross looking man told me to tell Robert he had finished twenty cups, and they were ready for firing.
Our gossip group conversation continues it was about Nurse tits (Tessie) and crazy Albert who had his wife living with him in the last cell. I told them I was going back and straighten out Robert for the last time.
But, first, she wanted to check up on her Grandmother. Alice walked back to the last cell and asked for Marie?
A substantial well-dressed man walked over to the cell door and opened it.
Alice walked into a lovely apartment clean, cute and cozy, but no grandmother. Alice looked into Albert
’s eyes. “She said I could tell when you don’t take your medications, Albert. Now, where is my Grandmother?”
“She should be here any minute we are going out for dinner, and then a movie said, Albert.”
You’re lucky I’m not talking to Robert right now, Albert.
I returned to his cell; I almost missed Mr. Creepy, I opened his cell door (Someone fixed it; so that it wouldn’t lock) and found a business person sitting in my chair.
“He stood up and introduced him as Stanley, our lawyer; He was staring at some papers.
I said,” looking up house colors Hon?”
“He said ‘Hi’ baby, what’s going on? Meet the local’s hon?”
“Just chatting with the neighbors, the gross one said he has cups to be a firer. Thanks, I will tell grandma.”
“Robert said to Alice, please sit down I have bad news your mother has been very busy. I am sorry honey, but I might have to go to jail for a while.”
Ms. DeVan do you remember signing papers for your Mother in front of a New York State Attorney General’s Agent, asked the lawyer?
“I refuse to sign any papers my mother gives me. I endorse nothing unless I can see it,” said Alice.
Robert said Alice, your adopted Mother, has presented these statements to the New York State’s child protective services. They gave these documents to the United States Attorney.
“Your adopted mother claims these papers come from your verbal statements made to her detectives.”
The grand jury has indicted Robert for sex crimes based on these statements. Her paid detectives have put together an airtight case that will put him away forever.
Chapter Twenty-Five
It’s been two months since Robert and Alice have been released from the hospital. Alice is not sure why, but she is upset with Robert and will not have anything to do with him. He sleeps on the third floor while Alice stays in her room, they both lost their jobs at the school after the last incident.
“Alice stomped into Roberts room and told him about tonight’s meeting they both know their lives are moving on to the military and they must cut ties to the old.”
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