by Willow Aster
Jaxson’s hand found mine and he squeezed it. “Stop with the crazy talk, Bells. Like I’d ever forget you. I’m gonna write every day,” he promised.
At nearly twelve and thirteen, we were about the same height, which annoyed Jaxson daily. We measured once a week to prove he was getting taller—his idea—but he was as lanky and short as ever. I was glad—my boobs hadn’t come in yet either. He already had a year on me, so in most everything else I was usually behind. At least in this, we were both playing catch-up. He motioned to the wall of our measurements and said, “Maybe I’ll have finally passed you by the next time I see you.”
I didn’t dare comment. Stupid baby tears still clogged my throat and I didn’t know when or even if I’d ever see him again. He hated when I talked like that, so I’d stopped saying it. Our mums would make sure we saw each other, he always said. But I wasn’t so sure. My dad’s job had been unpredictable for a while and we had to live a lot tighter than Jaxson’s family. I heard my mum call my dad a skinflint at least weekly and would try to hide after that because it set off one of his rants every time.
“I’ve already got some saved.” Jaxson propped his head on his elbow and turned my chin to face him. “I’ll get a job when I get there…find a way to make some money. Don’t worry.”
He could usually tell what I was thinking without me saying a word. I wondered if that would change when we lived an entire world away from one another.
“Come here.” He pulled my hand and we stood up. He opened his laptop and typed in my address and his new address in La Jolla, California. When the directions came up, he tapped the screen. “Look at that,” he said, his arm looping over my shoulder. “Only 5,331 miles…that’s not so bad. It would really suck if you lived in Sydney, Australia. Look…” He typed Sydney where Holmes Chapel had been and 7,506 miles came up. “See?”
I couldn’t hold it in any longer. A sob burst out and I covered my mouth with both hands. I looked at him in panic and ran out of the room. I made it to the front door and made it a few feet down the sidewalk before he caught up.
Neither of us said a word as we ran to my house. When I reached my steps, I turned to him and put my hand out.
“I don’t think I can tell you goodbye,” I said, no longer bothering to wipe the tears that weren’t going to stop.
Jaxson put his hands on my cheeks and looked from one eye to the next. We were so close I worried I might look cross-eyed to him. I closed my eyes and his thumbs smoothed away my tears. And the next thing I knew, his soft lips were on my chapped ones. My eyes flew open and his were scrunched closed as he kissed me. I held onto his arms and kissed him back. After a few perfect moments, he pulled away and I wasn’t even disappointed he hadn’t tried a “real” kiss. I sighed and he rested his forehead on mine.
“We won’t say goodbye. Not now and not ever. Okay?” he whispered.
I nodded and more tears came. He hugged me tighter than he ever had and then took off running down the street. He looked back once more before rounding the corner.
“I’ll see you soon,” he yelled, waving and grinning.
HE DID WRITE A FEW LETTERS. The first one was disappointingly short.
HEY BELLS,
I’ve never seen sunshine so many days in a row. It’s pretty sweet. That’s what they say here…sweet.
Speaking of that, EVERYONE makes fun of my accent. Everyone. Most of them can’t even understand me half the time. I feel like I have to say everything extra S-L-O-W. But two weeks down with school, the people aren’t so bad. Get this—year 9 is eighth grade here. Weird, eh?
How’s school going there? I hope you manage to avoid Ms. Rafferty.
I heard my mum telling yours to get here quick. I’m counting on that.
Missing you.
Jax
I SCRUNCHED MY FOREHEAD. Jax? Since when did he go by Jax? And I couldn’t help but wish he’d mentioned something about our kiss. I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it, but maybe for him it had just been an alternative to saying goodbye.
I put the letter in the drawer by my bed and took it out each night to read it. Some days it made me feel better, and other days it made me even more miserable. I had gotten stuck with Ms. Rafferty and she was worse than the rumors about her. Mum and Dad were fighting constantly it seemed, and there was no escaping to Jaxson’s house to ease the sadness. The days felt long and hollow. I wished I were in the land of sunshine. I didn’t have anything exciting to write about, but I did write him back a week later.
His letter came three weeks after I mailed his letter. I knew because I’d counted the days and checked the post relentlessly. When it finally came, I clutched it to my chest and ran to my bedroom before carefully ripping it open.
HEY BELLS!
Still sunny. Can you believe it? It’s like freakin’ paradise here. You’ve gotta come. I’m sorry I haven’t written more often. I got a job mowing lawns in my neighborhood. It’s a sweet neighborhood too—I couldn’t believe anyone would trust me with their flawless grass! But the man next door told me I did a good job on ours and asked if I’d help him out. Now I’m mowing ten yards every other week. I’ll have money to come see you in no time…or I’ve been thinking, would your parents let you come here to see me? Think about it.
Anyway…I’ve gotta go. My friend Derek is coming over in a few minutes to play basketball.
Oh, one more thing. You better sit down for it. My mum is dating someone. Shocking, right? And I think she might really like him because she said she wants me to meet him soon. Hopefully I like the dude.
Missing you.
Jax
YES, very shocking. I wondered how much my mum knew about it. She hadn’t said anything. Anne had never dated anyone that I knew of. Jaxson’s dad left before he was born and between raising him and her job as a court reporter, she claimed she didn’t have time for anything extra.
Her extra was hanging out with my mum, I thought. Now that they were also divided by an ocean, I guessed she’d found time after all. I hoped her son wouldn’t find a new best friend too.
MONTHS WENT by with no word. Desperate, bleak months where I cried myself to sleep and often in the bathroom at school. Before, I had been okay without many friends because I had Jaxson to look forward to at lunch and after school. Without him, the days felt endless.
My dad lost his job. The fighting was now the norm. I couldn’t fit into any of my clothes and we didn’t have money to get new ones. It felt like the worst time in my life and Jaxson was nowhere to be found.
And then this letter came…
HEY BELLS!
Has your mother told you yet? I’m positive you’ve heard the news that my mum is getting married! It’s fast, but I actually feel good about the whole thing. Charles is great. He’s nice and—get this—he’s quite well-off. I’m laughing when I write this because…wait until you see the place I’m moving into, Bells. “Well-off” is an understatement. It’s far swankier than The Vicarage, I’ll say that much. And it’s on the beach, Bells! Can you believe it?
I can’t wait for you to get here. Mum says your mum is her matron of honor, so that means I’ll see you soon! It’s been way too long.
Missing you.
Jax
I IMMEDIATELY WENT to find my mum, bouncing on the balls of my feet with excitement. I couldn’t believe she hadn’t told me this news—it would’ve made all the difference in the world to know I had this to look forward to. Maybe she’d been planning to surprise me…
I knocked on her bedroom door and stepped in when I heard her blow her nose. She was sitting on the edge of the bed, crying.
“Mum, what’s wrong?” I rushed to her side and sat down.
“Things are just complicated right now,” she said. “Your dad…his job…and now Anne is getting married. She wants us to come, which is wonderful, but I don’t see how we’ll be able to…”
I gasped. “We have to go. We can’t miss it!”
She wiped her face and gave m
e a sharp look. “Believe me, I want to be there as badly as you do.”
“Well, we have to find a way. When is the wedding?”
“Next month.”
We sat there in silence for half an hour, both trying to come up with ways to make quick money and becoming more and more hopeless as the seconds ticked by.
The next morning, my mum screamed and I went running to find her. She was laughing and crying, jumping up and down and screeching on the phone. “No way!” she cried. “I should tell him absolutely not, but I can’t afford to be too proud at this moment.” She put her hands over her mouth and her shoulders shook as she cried. She saw me then and pulled me close. “Jaxson gave Anne money for our tickets last night. When Charles heard what he’d done, he refused to let Jaxson pay for it. Actually…we’re flying on his private plane.” I’d started jumping up and down while she was telling me and we had Anne on speakerphone, yelling and cheering with us.
Before we hung up, Anne said, “Jaxson’s been working tirelessly since we got here, even with school…so he could see his Mirabelle again.”
I went to bed smiling and it didn’t wear off that entire month…until we got to the States.
6
PRESENT
What does love have to do with anything? That’s what I want to ask him. But instead I will pose the question to you, in hopes that you will talk some sense into me.
ON THE WAY home from the restaurant, I pull over at a scenic overlook and stare at the ocean until my emotions are somewhat under control. But when I pull in front of the house, Jaxson is there and all that peace I’d found vanishes.
He opens my car door and holds his hand out to help me. I ignore it and step out of the car. Instead of backing up to give me space as a normal human being would, he stays perfectly still and I have nowhere to go but into his chest.
“Did you like your song?” he asks, moving my hair away from my eye.
“It’s been so long since I’ve heard you sing. You’ve…improved,” I tell him.
His face falls slightly and I step around him, feeling some satisfaction in not giving him the answer he wanted. It fades when he falls into step next to me, walking to the house.
“Did you meet the guys in Boston? Are they your band?” I ask.
“One is from here too, but yeah, we all met at Berklee. We’re going to see if we can get some work out here. Give it a shot.”
We move inside the house and I throw my keys on the kitchen counter.
“Good for you,” I say. “Well, I’m beat. Make yourself at home. I’m going to bed.”
“Wait…can we talk? Or just hear me out?”
I put my hand on my hip and look at the ceiling, exhaling a long rush of air. “Three minutes,” I say.
“That’s hardly anything!” he says.
I wave my hand. “Better hurry then.”
“Okay.”
His eyes narrow and he presses his lips together, the look he gets when he’s frustrated. I grin.
“The line in the song I wrote for you—‘I didn’t know what I had until you were gone’—it’s the truth. But now I live with that every day and I can’t stand it anymore. I need to at least have you as a friend, Bells. Please.” He holds his hands together and gives me pleading eyes.
I chew the inside of my cheek until it feels all rippley inside.
“I propose we go to the San Diego Zoo as a step in bringing our friendship back. What do you say?” he asks. When I don’t say anything right away, he adds, “Remember we signed on it…”
“That piece of paper became null and void when we went our separate ways. You’re gonna have to do better than that,” I tell him.
“No, it didn’t. It was just paused…until we could pick up where we left off. And now we have a responsibility to each other to keep the promises we made.” He grins and steps closer to me.
“No,” I reply.
He holds up a hand and drops it, stunned that I won’t cave in the way I always used to when he wanted me to agree to something. He crosses his arms and his eyes smile as he assesses me.
“You really think it’s as simple as you giving me your best charming smile and telling me what we’re going to do, and I’ll jump.” I shake my head. “You should know by now that those days are over.”
“When are you going to forgive me, Bells?”
I go still when I hear the tone of his voice. He sounds grave and all the lighthearted teasing that I’m used to hearing from him is stripped bare. I can’t look at him when he sounds this raw. I shake my head, willing the tears to stay down.
“I will regret losing you for the rest of my life,” he whispers.
I jump when his hand touches my shoulder.
“Please tell me there’s hope. That you’ll give me another chance. I was young and stupid. I’m still young and stupid, but I know that I can’t live without you in my life. In any way you’ll have me.” He leans closer, his breath wispy against my ear. “Please say you’ll at least think about it.”
A tear drops on my hand and I nod slowly, still not trusting myself to speak.
He leans his forehead against the back of my head for a moment and then backs away, clearing his throat. “Okay, I’ll see myself out.”
His steps are slow on the way out of the kitchen. When he’s near the back door, I turn and he looks at me at the same time, his eyes hopeful.
“Why now?” I ask. “You’ve been quiet for a while. Why is my friendship suddenly so important to you?”
“I’ve never given up hope that you’d come back to me. But I know I blew it. In every way.” He takes steps toward me and I back into the kitchen cabinet. He reaches me and takes my hand in his. My heart threatens to pound out of my chest. “It wasn’t until I saw the way you looked at me the other day at the party…I felt hopeful then that you still feel the same way I do.” He pulls my hand up to his lips and kisses my palm. “Do you still love me?”
I reluctantly tug my hand away from him, looking at my hand as if it’s betrayed me. My hand shakes and I quickly put it in my pocket.
“I’ll always love you. We grew up together. We were important to each other…once,” I tell him. “But that doesn’t really make a difference as far as I’m concerned. I’ve moved on. I finally learned about self-preservation, thanks to you.”
He looks so heartbreakingly sad that I almost feel bad for what I’ve said. But then his mouth tightens, and his jaw clenches. “How can you say it doesn’t make a difference? It’s everything. And that’s not the kind of love I meant and you know it…although it should count for something.” His voice cracks at the end of his words and I swallow hard, fighting the urge to wrap my arms around him and hold him the way my heart wants to.
That self-preservation kicks in and squelches the feelings, moving around him and opening the door. I wave my hand for him to walk through. “Why don’t you stop trying to tell me what I feel and worry about taking care of your own feelings.”
His Adam’s apple bobs twice and his eyes are glassy when he slowly walks to the door. When he reaches me, he stops and puts his hand on my cheek. “I should have told you then how much I loved you. How much I cared about your opinion of me. How I was going to work hard to win back your trust and prove that I was the person you knew me to be. I’ll always love you. I’m in love with you, Bells. That’s what I discovered in losing you…what I knew as a boy but somehow lost sight of for a while there…that you are the love of my life and you always will be. I’m sorry I’m too late,” he says softly. His hand drops and he walks out the door.
I stare after him, stunned. It takes everything in me to not run after him. He’s just said everything I’ve always longed to hear but that he never, not once in our lifetime of back and forth, has ever said.
7
PAST
2010
I know a secret, Diary. All those ads of the beautiful people frolicking in the Pacific Ocean like they are in paradise—LIES. All lies.
THAT OCEAN IS
BLOODY FREEZING!
That is all for now.
Yours, Mira
MY MUM and I were exhausted as we stepped off the plane and walked through LAX. She hadn’t slept at all on our flight over and I barely had either, too excited to be flying for the first time. I could hardly believe I would be seeing Jaxson soon…in America. It was the culmination of all of our dreams finally coming to pass. I lugged the stuffed panda Jaxson had given me a few years before, feeling slightly childish but also still not comfortable with the idea of smooshing a panda in a suitcase due to lack of air quality.
We walked toward baggage claim and when we got through customs and security, Anne was standing with a bouquet of flowers. We beamed at each other as she walked toward us, but I quickly looked behind her and all around…even behind myself…but I couldn’t spot Jaxson. Maybe he was in the loo. Anne hugged my mum and me at the same time, the two of them laughing and crying.
“Where’s Jaxson?” I asked when we pulled away.
“He had to stay after school for football practice,” she said.
My shoulders sagged with disappointment, but Anne put her arm around my shoulder. “Don’t worry, he’ll be home by the time we get there.”
We were only going to be there for a week, so I’d hoped between our limited time and the preparations for the wedding, he wouldn’t have to worry about school.
Anne saw my expression. “He’s had to work really hard to get caught up at school…I barely see him between homework, his jobs doing yard work, and sports.” She scrunched up her nose. “They don’t allow them to miss any practices unless there’s an emergency.” She rolled her eyes. “Believe me, it’s killing him to not be here.”
That soothed me a bit.
“And I’m so sorry,” she added. “Charles is mortified that you had to fly in here instead of closer to home. When you leave, you’ll fly out of San Diego, and it will be much closer!”
We didn’t care; we were just happy to be on the ground. When we reached her car and I saw the steering wheel on the wrong side and the beautiful sunshine with the most perfect puffy white clouds, I got excited all over again. America. I was finally there! Where they made movies! It was too much. I wished Jaxson was by my side when we passed the ocean, which was love at first sight. Jaxson and I had talked about learning to surf, thinking it would come in handy when we swam with the dolphins. Maybe we could try it out that week. The traffic made me a nervous wreck, but there was too much to see and the stretches of moving at a snail’s pace gave me time to take it all in.