by Willow Aster
I hesitate a few moments. I don’t know what I’m doing with Jaxson. My head tells me to run, but my heart begs me to fall headlong into him.
“I just need to go change,” he adds.
“Shame,” I say under my breath. He looks damn good in a suit.
His eyes light up. “Second thought, I’ll leave the suit on the rest of the night,” he says.
I laugh. “Let’s both get changed and I’ll get Winston’s things together. I can be ready soon.”
“I’ll be back in thirty,” he says. “Good to see you, Dave.” He gives Winston’s head another pat and leaves.
Dave smirks at me. “That boy has it bad for you, Mirabelle. Like, he’ll-move-heaven-and-earth-for-you bad. Like, your-wish-is-his-command bad. Like, he-worships-the-ground-you-walk-on bad…”
“Enough!” I laugh, letting Winston down to do his business. “I still don’t know why he’s pursuing me so hard now. And I don’t know what to do about it.”
“My guess is he knows what he’s been missing and doesn’t want to live without you any longer. But if you don’t feel the same, you should tell him so. Better to devastate him now than later.”
I cringe, the weight of his words heavy on my chest as I walk to the door, Winston on my heels. “That’s the kind of stuff he’s spewing…doesn’t want to live without me any longer, blah-blah.” I sigh. “You really think he’s sure of his feelings? I feel certain that he wants my friendship in his life and maybe always will. Time will tell. But our feelings have never aligned at the same time for very long when it comes to romance…especially where he’s concerned.”
“Sometimes it takes longer for guys to get their act together. I wasn’t pulling out all the stops for a girl at Jaxson’s age, that’s for sure.”
“You sure are rooting for him.” I roll my eyes, but I smile at him.
He barks out a laugh.
“And I’m glad you got your act together just in time for my mum. You give me hope that I can have a good guy like you someday.”
He flushes and ducks his head. “You girls are worth it,” he says. We smile at each other for another moment and he motions for me to go. “Your guy will be here before you’re ready if you don’t get after it.”
“Not my guy,” I mutter.
I go inside and try to hustle. I don’t know what to wear; it’s been unusually hot all week. Running out of time, I put on my newest bikini—the green reminding me of Jaxson’s eyes, even as I try NOT to think of them—under a short, cream crochet cover-up and a sandal on my good foot. I gather Winston’s food, treats, and a leash and am walking down the stairs when Jaxson walks inside. I miss the suit, but he still looks too good for comfort.
“Dave told me to co—” He stops in mid-sentence, eyes bugging out of his head when he sees me.
Winston growls, but neither of us pays any attention to him.
“What?” I ask.
“That is a great—” he points to my dress, words not coming right away, then finally, “I can see right through it.”
“It’s a cover-up.” I make a face and laugh at him. “You act like you’ve never seen a bikini before. People wear far less than this at the beach.”
“It’s like a holey peek of the bikini, like if I stuck my eyes up to one of the holes, inside would be a kaleidoscope of bikini, which is fascinating,” he says. “I do want to get a better look at that amazing suit and find out what all those straps do, but this way makes me feel like I’m seeing something I’m not supposed to.”
“You’re ridiculous.”
He walks around me. “The back is just as impressive,” he says.
“Knock it off.” I laugh and hand him my things so I can pick up Winston. “You ready?”
“More ready than you can imagine.”
I look at him and he waits, smirking, to see what my comeback will be.
“You’re in a good mood,” is all I say.
“I’m with you. Nothing could be better.” He grins as Winston hops in his car. “And our dog…who doesn’t like me…now that could be better.”
“Should we stop for food?” I ask when we’re almost to Fiesta Island.
He points to the big canvas bag in the back seat. “I hope it’s okay—I stopped at The Taco Stand already.”
“Are you kidding? I haven’t had it in so long. Always okay.” I looked at the bag again. “That’s an awfully big bag. What else are you hiding in there?”
“Surprises for Winston. Towels.” He shrugs.
My eyes narrow on him. “I can’t figure out why you’re going to all this trouble. What do you want?”
“I want you,” he says simply.
My face warms. “And if you had me, what would that look like? We’ve never had a normal dating relationship, not really…I think if we got together, you’d be over it as fast as it began.”
He’s quiet, but I can tell what I’ve said bothers him. We drive around the island and when he finds a place to park, he turns off the car and faces me.
“My feelings for you did not begin overnight and they won’t die overnight. I’m in love with you, Mira. I don’t know how much clearer I can make it. If you don’t want to be with me, I will be devastated, but I hope to at least have my friend back.”
I close my gaping mouth and blink slowly, trying to process what he’s saying.
“I will always regret hurting you,” he whispers, reaching over to move a strand of hair out of my eyes. “Do you see yourself ever being able to forgive me?”
“I can forgive you and still doubt that you really want the things you’re saying,” I say, eyes filling. “You’ve said things that I believed before.”
“Are you willing to let me prove it to you?” he asks.
His eyes bore into me and I nearly let myself sink into them, to sink into him. Something holds me back. I take a deep breath and look down at my clasped hands.
“I think I need us to just be friends,” I tell him.
He leans his head onto the steering wheel. The heat in the car is stifling, while we sit there in suspended silence.
When he lifts his head, his face is red and he doesn’t look at me right away.
“Okay,” he says quietly. He taps the steering wheel again and nods, his shoulders lifting with a deep breath. “Okay,” he says again, more resolute this time.
TWO WEEKS LATER, I take Winston to get a haircut and he looks like a brand new dog. I call Jaxson and let him know. We’ve hung out regularly since that day at the dog park. It’s been awkward at times, but we’re getting better. I really think I did the right thing. Now that the topic of being more is off the table, we can concentrate on our friendship again. There are times it’s still hard. My heart still pounds when I see him. I still want to kiss him and get distracted when he comes over from work in his suit. He still stares at my lips a lot and his eyes get hazy at times, making me wonder what he’s thinking. But I did the right thing. I did. It will get easier.
“You should come see him. After work, wanna stop by?”
“Sure. Should I bring tacos?”
“Um, yes!”
Jaxson freaks when he sees Winston. “He’s actually the cutest dog ever,” he says, staring at me. “Who knew he’d be freaking adorable under all that straggly, stained hair?”
“He was adorable then too,” I say, kissing Winston’s cheeks until his eyes flutter closed.
“We should go make the adoption official. If we don’t do it soon, they’ll start hounding us about bringing him to adoption functions.”
I squeeze Winston tighter. “I can’t give him up.” I already feel like I’ve had him forever. He doesn’t leave my side. Even when I’m showering, he’s lying in the corner on a little rug. It might be an unhealthy attachment for both of us, but not one I’m going to trade in. “Over my dead body.”
“Easy there, you sure your major isn’t drama?”
“Very funny.” I make a face at him.
THE FOLLOWING SATURDAY, Jaxson picks Winston
and me up and we make the adoption official. I try to pay, but he won’t let me.
“I’ll let you pay for things after we’re married,” he says, winking.
“Jaxson,” I groan. Every now and then he’ll make jokes like this and it makes it awkward again.
He kisses my cheek and helps me hobble to the car, and for a moment I let it feel like we’re a family.
26
PAST
2014
I hate boys. That is all.
Hate. Hate. Hate.
And especially Jaxson.
I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.
Like, hate him, hate him. I hate Jaxson Marshall.
ABOUT A WEEK after surfing at Jaxson’s, I finally took my driving test and passed it. I’d flunked it a few times and then lost my nerve to take it again right away, so I was elated when I waved the slip in my hand. Mum was as excited as I was, if not more. She’d been teasing me that I’d be seventeen before I got it, at this rate. I’d been worried she was right.
“Let’s celebrate,” she said.
There was a line going out the door at The Taco Stand.
“Do you still want this?” she asked.
“Of course.” I could eat there every day and not get sick of it.
As we got out of the car, I heard something and looked over at the same moment Jaxson lifted Heather up, hands on her backside, her legs around his waist, kissing her the exact way he’d kissed me.
I put my hand to my mouth and Mum turned to see what I was looking at and gasped. They were oblivious, groping each other as if no one else existed. When he opened the door of his car and bent down, leaning over her across the back seat, Mum grabbed my arm and we practically ran back to our car.
My eyes blurred with tears and I shook all over.
“I’m so sorry, honey,” Mum said again and again. “So sorry.”
Finally, I dried my face. “I told you he has a girlfriend.”
“Yes, you did, and the fact that he kissed you while having a girlfriend is reprehensible.”
She hadn’t minded so much before, knowing he’d kissed me. I hadn’t minded enough either. But for Mum, the fact that he’d kissed me and hadn’t changed his status with Heather was another story.
“I can’t believe he didn’t break up with her after realizing his feelings for you! Boys that age are all about sex, Mirabelle. It’s good you’re not with him right now when he can’t think with anything but his willy.”
“I’m not going to be with him ever!” I gasped. “He was going to have sex with her in the parking lot!”
“No, surely he wasn’t!”
I glared at her. “You saw them. They were about to have sex. You just got done saying boys are all about sex.”
“Well, I’d hope he’d have more sense than that. I don’t doubt that they are having sex, just not…oh, Anne is going to die of mortification.”
“You can’t tell her,” I yelled. “And if you say sex one more time, I’m going to die of mortification.”
“I have to tell her. I’d want to know if she saw you doing something like that.”
“Please, Mum. You can’t. Jaxson will be so mad.”
She patted my hand. “No, he won’t, and if he is, he’s not the person we thought he was, is he?”
I WENT to school on pins and needles and didn’t see Jaxson right away. When I did, he waved and said hello…acted normal. I felt like hitting him, but I managed to wave back.
It was the next day that things turned on me. I got to school and Jaxson was waiting for me at my locker.
“You and your mum saw me with Heather?” he asked.
I couldn’t tell if he was more angry or embarrassed. Feeling feverish, I actually didn’t know which emotion I felt the most either. Definitely both.
“I tried to tell her not to say anything,” I told him. “I’m sorry.”
He dragged his hands through his hair and looked worried. “You met Heather’s stepdad. This is not good,” he said.
My brows creased together. “Why? What will he do?”
Just then, Heather came down the hall with a splotchy face. I had the thought that it wasn’t fair that she could still look so beautiful even after obviously crying for a long time. When she saw Jaxson talking to me, she looked livid.
“Hey,” Jaxson said, putting his arm around her.
She flung it off and got in my face. “You want to ruin my life?”
I immediately shook my head while she was still talking.
“Well, that’s what you’ve done.” She looked up at Jaxson and tears ran down her face. “My mom and Chase said I can’t go to Homecoming with you now. It’s three weeks away! I can’t go anywhere with you. We have to break up.”
“What?” Jaxson asked. He tugged her to the side and she leaned into him, crying harder.
Miles walked over while I got my books out of my locker. “What’s going on with them?” he asked.
“Long story. My mum and I kind of saw something and she told Jaxson’s mum about it.” I shook my head. “I feel bad.”
He looked confused, but I didn’t bother to enlighten him. The bell rang and Jaxson looked at me over Heather’s head.
“I’m sorry,” I said quietly.
He nodded at me and rubbed Heather’s back. It felt wrong, seeing his hands on someone else. My brain flipped back to him leaning over Heather in the car and I felt the familiar anger surge up again.
BY THE END of the week, it was all over the school that Jaxson and Heather had broken up. Various rumors about her being pregnant and losing the baby, he’d been cheating, she had feelings for someone else…and then occasionally, I’d hear someone get it close to right. She was homebound for the month, grounded, and she couldn’t see Jaxson again because they’d been caught having sex in public…at school. So not perfectly right, but even I didn’t know all the details at this point. Jaxson had stayed away from me, and Heather shot daggers through me anytime we were near each other.
I felt bad. I didn’t like Heather, and I really didn’t like them together, but after meeting her mother and stepdad, I’d softened toward her somewhat.
Friday afternoon, during our last period, Miles leaned over and handed me a note, his expression hopeful.
Will you go out with me tonight? Just you and me, a legit date…
I paused—I didn’t know why. I bit my bottom lip and glanced up quickly to see if he was looking. He was. UGH. His hopeful expression was long gone.
“It’s okay,” he whispered.
“No, I…it’s just…I don’t know,” I finished lamely.
“We can talk after class,” he whispered.
I nodded and then all during class I tried to think of what I’d say to him. What is wrong with me? I argued with myself until the bell rang, not having any idea what I’d missed in class.
We walked to our lockers, neither of us saying anything.
“I’m an idiot,” I said finally. “You are so cute and so sweet…I have so much fun with you.”
“And I’m so not who you’re interested in,” he finished.
I looked at him, alarmed. He put his hands in his pockets and smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes.
“I’m not saying I could never,” I told him. “I’m just not there right now.”
“Understood.” He cleared his throat. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“Is something going on between you and Jax?”
I swallowed and shut my locker door, facing him fully. I took long enough to answer that he nodded.
“Enough said,” he said.
“No, it’s not like that—nothing’s going on with him, not really.”
“But you want there to be,” he said.
I looked at him and my eyes welled up.
His face softened and he looked like he felt sorry for me.
“Well, if you change your mind about me, I’ll be right here,” he said.
He walked across the hall to his
locker and turned around one more time.
“Thanks, Miles,” I said. “You’re as near perfect as anyone I’ve met. You deserve the very best.”
He gave me a close-lipped smile, and I walked away.
I WENT HOME and Mum came in from work not long afterward.
“We’re going to the Marshalls’ for dinner,” she said.
“What? No, I think I’ll just stay home and do homework,” I told her.
“I already told Anne you’d come and you will,” she said. “No arguments tonight about it,” she said. “Wear something pretty.”
I sulked the entire time I dressed, wanting to look a mess to spite her but too vain to go through with it. I came out with my hair and makeup spot on, an extremely short skirt, and on anyone else, a top with a modest neckline, but on my body type, it showed a good amount of cleavage. A jean jacket tempered the whole look. Liesl was with me when I tried on this outfit and she’d screamed that I looked like a movie star. Of course, I had to buy it.
I carried my boots and sat on the couch to put them on.
Mum winced when she saw me. “At least put some tights on.”
“The boots cover a lot of my leg.” I stood up and she eyed the boots that came well over my knees.
“I can’t tell if you look like a slag or quite stylish,” she said, brows furrowed.
“Let’s go with quite stylish.”
WE WERE ABOUT to sit down at the dining table when Jaxson came in, apologizing to his mother for being late. He halted when he saw me, grinning as he looked me over.
“Hello, Bells,” he said, moving to sit next to me. “Every time I see you, you’re knocking me arse over tit.”
I giggled. When we were kids, we’d laugh hysterically any time we heard anyone else say that.
“Jaxson!” Anne admonished him.