by Vivian Wood
“You saw them?”
“Yeah,” Cade said quietly. “I watched them die.”
“Wasn’t it difficult to see clearly? I imagine with the smoke, all the flames—”
“I watched them die,” Cade repeated firmly. “I saw their faces. They were looking at me, all three of them. They screamed my name while they died.”
“Alright.”
“You know, in a fire? Most people think it’s the flames that kill you. It’s usually not. It’s usually the smoke. You suffocate to death way before you’re burned. But they didn’t even get that. I tried to get to them.”
“I believe you.”
“But I just … I wasn’t strong enough.”
“What do you mean?”
“I tried, but the fire … it was just so goddamned hot.”
“What did you try to do?”
“I tried—I tried to just power through it. You know? I thought if I could just get to them, get some debris out of the way so they could get back out … but my body wouldn’t let me.”
“Humans have innate survival instincts. They’re what keep most of us from successful suicides, or repeating dangerous mistakes over and over.”
“Not us.”
“What?”
“Firefighters override instincts.”
Dr. Hersh scribbled wildly on his notepad. “And how did you get out?”
“I was carried out.”
“Excuse me?”
“I … passed out from the smoke. Or that’s what I was told, since I don’t remember. The last thing I remember was their faces. That look in their eyes, I’ll never forget it. And then I was in an ambulance.”
“So you would have died trying to save them if you weren’t rendered unconscious.”
“I should have died trying to save them.”
He stopped short of saying that in those last moments before darkness claimed him, he’d welcomed those flames.
There was nothing to live for anyway.
Cade felt a warm trickle lick down his cheek. He jerked up an arm to wipe away the tear and tried to make it look like a scratch.
“Cade—”
He made a fist and slammed his hand down on the table between them. The living edge wooden piece tremored beneath the impact.
“Why did it take them?” he demanded. “Why did it take three good men, two with families and one a brand new recruit—and it didn’t take me?”
“Cade, I think—”
“Forget it, I have to go.” Before the doctor could interrupt, Cade jumped out of his seat and raced out the door.
In the parking lot, he was too wound up to drive. Instead, he took to the sidewalk for the three-mile walk home. Or at least that’s what he’d thought. He was on autopilot, and his feet carried him to the bakery.
I just need a glimpse of something good. Someone who’s glad I survived.
He could see Lily through the bakery windows, a frilly apron tied around her waist.
God, she looks pretty, he thought. Pretty and good. Too good for someone like me.
Lily’s back was to him as she talked to someone outside of his line of sight.
What would she look like bouncing a baby on one hip? he thought suddenly, unaware of where such a thought had come from.
But the way she stood with her weight heavily on one hip, it wasn’t hard to imagine.
“There’s Daddy!” she would say when she saw him, cooing to the baby. “Say hi! Can you say hi?”
“You’re fucking ridiculous,” he whispered to himself under his breath.
He didn’t even want kids, necessarily. But maybe, if they were with her …
The possibility intrigued him, but Cade immediately rebuked himself. There were so many reasons why it couldn’t happen.
Lily turned, spotted him through the window and smiled. He could feel the electricity even from the patio. Even if Lily wasn’t his best friend’s little sister, he didn’t deserve someone like her. Hell, he’d slept through half of Salem’s population finding that out.
You should have never slept with her. Never led her on. Never restarted whatever this is.
He turned on his heel and marched toward his apartment.
7
Lily
“Fill it with premium, please,” she told the gas station attendant as she handed him her card.
Lily turned off the ignition and tapped her horoscope app.
Libra, today might present some challenges. Tread carefully.
“That’s one way of putting it,” she said.
She heard the attendant struggle with the gas cap, as usual. Lily glared at the steering wheel. She liked that it was a Mercedes, seafoam green. But it was also a 1979.
It was a beast and expensive to maintain, from the premium gas to the five hundred dollars she’d had to pay just to get it running again.
And I thought living above a mechanic shop would magically make her run like new.
A black Hummer pulled up to the pump opposite her. Tim Criss jumped out and handed the attendant his card. Lily sank as low into her seat as she could. She hadn’t seen her college boyfriend since he’d dumped her at the coffee shop three years ago.
What the hell is he doing in Salem, anyway?
They’d met at OSU, but Tim was from Medford and always talked smack about her hometown. He’d complained every year she’d “dragged him” to holidays.
Lily slipped her aviators on and pretended to be engrossed in her phone. But all she could do was reread the same sentence over and over.
Libra, today might present some challenges.
“Hey! Hey, babe.”
Tim leaned down toward her. He still wore the same cologne that he had in college, and it instantly took her back. She felt like an undergraduate again, naively proud to have someone like Tim Criss as a boyfriend.
Lily shifted away from him as best she could and kept her eyes on her phone.
“Damn, cold shoulder, alright I get it,” he said with a laugh. “You look good. I’m up here for a meeting with an investor. I was going to text you.”
Lily sighed and took off the sunglasses. “What do you want, Tim?”
He bit his lip and blatantly looked her up and down. She was aware that her work blouse probably pulled tight at the chest, but she refused to act embarrassed or try to adjust it.
“We might have broken up, but that doesn’t mean we can’t still see each other. What are you up to this evening?”
“Work.” She had to admit, he still looked good. Not as muscular as he used to be, and his red hair had thinned, but he could still turn some heads.
“Where do you work?”
“Bakery.”
“How late are bakeries open? I’m in meetings until probably ten or eleven tonight anyway. Nightcap?”
She was enraged at not just his invitation, but his assumption that she’d be down for a booty call after three years and the way he’d dumped her.
“No.”
Tim looked to either side and leaned in closer.
“You’re still mad that I dumped you?” he hissed. “It’s not my fault that your personality wasn’t enough to keep me—or any guy—interested. I know what you did.”
She jerked up her head. “What are you talking about?”
He grinned at her reaction. “Whoring yourself out the second you could. Didn’t want to let the whole campus know what a slut you were, huh? So you played the good girl with me while you were handing it out all over town up here—”
“Miss? Your receipt?” The attendant appeared, uncertain, over Tim’s shoulder.
Anger mixed with shame as she reached past Tim to grab the receipt.
He couldn’t know. Could he? Cade wouldn’t have told anybody, and there’s no way it could have gotten back to Tim. Could it?
“Ah, come on, don’t be mad!” Tim said. “I’m the same way, it’s too bad there are double standards for girls. So what about tonight, babe—”
For once, the Mercedes roared
to life without any trouble. Tim casually stood up and strolled to the front of her car. Lily revved her engine to warn him, but he crossed his arms and smiled.
Frustrated, she threw the gear into reverse and felt a rich satisfaction as the little Mercedes peeled out of the gas station.
She’d been on her way home after the opening shift, but now all she could think about was a drink. And she needed something stronger than wine.
Lily hadn’t been into the nightlife scene in Salem since … well, ever, she realized. But she’d heard Jean-Michel talk about Archive Coffee & Bar where the drinks got a little stronger starting at happy hour. She veered toward Liberty Street and parked in the small lot.
It was only five o’clock, but Archive had already switched into full-on bar mode. Lily sank into one of the iron chairs on the outdoor patio and grabbed the cocktail list.
There was a decadent list of coffee-based cocktails from Spanish coffee served flambé, to more complicated drinks she’d never heard of. Lily squinted at the menu and tried to figure out what the long descriptions meant.
“Is this seat taken?” a deep voice asked.
Fuck, did he follow me?
“Look, asshole—” Lily looked up to see Cade raise his brows in surprise. “Sorry… I thought… I thought you were someone else.”
“Well, I’d hate to be whoever you thought I was. So. Is this where you hang out?”
Lily set down the menu. “Oh! Uh, no, not usually. I just really needed a drink.”
“Mind if I sit down a minute?”
“Yeah, of course.”
Cade settled into the seat across from her and she handed him the cocktail menu. He scanned it quickly.
“Pretty fancy. What are you going to get?”
“I don’t know. I was just trying to get through the menu when you sat down.”
“Hmm. What kind of liquor do you like?”
“If I’m going hard, usually vodka or gin.”
“How about I order for you?”
Lily blushed. “Sure,” she said quietly.
“What can I get you two?” The waitress appeared with a smile. Lily noted her thick glasses and forearm tattoos that poked out from rolled-up sleeves.
“A Moscow mule and champagne spritzer,” Cade said as he put down the menu.
“Coming right up.”
“So. How’s your day been?” Cade asked.
She made a face. “It was okay. Until—”
“Until some asshole ruined it?”
She gave a small laugh. “Until I ran into Tim.”
“Who’s Tim?”
“You know … the guy I used to date …”
“Really?”
“Yeah, he made it really unpleasant, too.”
“Unpleasant how?”
“Ugh. It’s not worth rehashing.”
The drinks arrived just in time to save her from talking about it anymore. She knew Cade probably hadn’t figured out Tim was both her college boyfriend and the guy she’d mentioned she dated last.
He doesn’t need to know everything, like how you haven’t dated anyone since you slept with him three years ago.
“Which is mine?” she asked.
“Try both, and decide what you like.”
Lily took small sips of both, surprised that she liked such different cocktails.
“The spritzer,” she said.
“Not a mule fan, then.”
“The mug is pretty, I like the copper. And it’s good, I just like champagne more I guess.” She sighed, the alcohol already doing its job, and leaned back in the seat. “So, is this your signature move? Order two drinks and have the girl choose?”
“No, actually I’ve never done that before. Why, do you think it works?”
Lily blushed. “Um, no.”
“Good to know. Well, cheers to being here. I never thought I’d see this town again, but I have to admit, it’s not that bad. It’s growing on me.”
“Where did you think you’d be?” she asked as she took a long swallow.
“I dunno. Maybe … living in the Montana wilderness, building a cabin with my own hands. Surviving off of what I could grow or catch—”
“You wanted to be alone.” She realized it sounded like a statement, not a question.
“No. Well, maybe. You know my reputation with women …”
“That sounds horrible. How would you meet someone?”
“Eh, that’s not required.”
“What about intimacy?”
“Also not required.”
“I see. Is that how you prefer it, then? In your dating life, I mean?”
“I don’t really date,” Cade admitted. “I’m all fucked up, what with Aunt Mary dying and with … with the loss of my crew. Nobody wants that. And I don’t want to put that on someone.”
“How do you know? Unless you try—”
Cade rolled his eyes and signaled to the waitress. Lily looked at their glasses, surprised to find they’d already finished one round.
“So, show me your moves,” she said, the liquid courage fully arrived.
“Sorry?”
“Pretend I’m a girl that you just met at the bar. And you’re trying to pick me up.”
“Why?”
“For, you know … sex.”
“I meant why would I pretend that,” he said with a smile. “You’re cute.”
Lily felt her face grow hot, but she persisted. “Come on, indulge me. I’ve had a rough day.”
“Alright. But first of all, you should know I don’t have beginning-of-the-date moves. I have end-of-the-date moves. I make sure the girl, sorry, you, have had a nice time. Plenty of drinks if you’re into that. Then I move closer.” Cade moved his chair next to hers so quickly and smoothly she barely realized it had happened.
“Round two,” the waitress said, and slid the drinks to them.
Cade didn’t break eye contact with her.
“And I ask for a taste of your drink, like this.” He lowered his voice and looked so deeply into her eyes she thought he could see her deepest secrets. “Can I try your drink?”
Her stomach began to flutter. “Sure, go ahead.”
He tried the fresh spritzer. She watched his throat work as he swallowed.
Enjoy it, she told herself. Just let it be real, just for a moment. Surely there’s no harm in that?
Cade put the drink down and gazed into her eyes. She could sense the fire in him, just below the surface. It matched the flames inside her. His eyes traveled to her lips, which heated up below the smoldering gaze.
She couldn’t move as he moved closer, brought up his hand and ran a thumb along her cheek. As he cupped the back of her head, her lips parted in anticipation.
She already knew what his lips felt like, tasted like. As he kissed her, softly at first, her body responded and it escalated to unprecedented passion.
Lily let out a soft moan and he pulled back.
“Lily,” he said quietly. “I’m into you. Don’t mistake that. But… there are so many reasons why we can’t do this. Elijah, and…” Cade let the words trail off while he moved his chair away.
“It’s not just about you all the time,” she blurted out, irritated. “What if I have my reasons for not wanting you?”
“Good for you, then,” Cade said. He stood up and tossed some cash onto the table. “So, we’re agreed, then?”
Lily crossed her arms and just shook her head. If she spoke, she was afraid she’d burst into tears.
Cade walked toward the parking lot and never once looked back.
All I do these days is watch this guy’s back as he walks away, she thought.
8
Lily
“Hey, Jean-Michel, you want to go hiking at Silver Falls?” Lily asked as he rushed past her toward the kitchen.
He wrinkled his nose. “I do not do outdoors. Why you don’t ask your friend, that American girl with the French name?”
“Renee’s still in Italy,” she said with a sigh. “Not o
nly is she my only hiking friend, she’s my only friend. How depressing is that?”
“When you hiking?” he asked.
“Well, I was hoping you’d go with me since we’re closing early today.”
Jean-Michel shrugged. “Those boys always in here talking with you? Go ask them.”
Actually not a bad idea, she thought.
Aiden or Elijah might be up for it. She left Jean-Michel to finish closing and slid into her little Mercedes. In the backseat, her backpack was already stuffed with hiking clothes.
Any day off that was clear and sunny in an Oregon spring demanded to be taken advantage of.
Lily smiled as she pulled up to her brothers’ apartment and saw that Elijah’s truck was there. Of her two brothers, he was the most likely to say yes.
“Hey!” she called as she let herself in with the spare key. “Elijah, you want to go to Silver Falls?”
Elijah emerged from the hallway in his firefighting t-shirt.
“Damn, I wish,” he said. “My shift’s about to start. Heading out. Maybe Cade wants to go.”
“Cade?” she asked.
“Yeah?” She heard the hallway bathroom door open. Lily blushed, unaware that he was there.
“Lily wants someone to go hiking with.”
“Oh yeah?” Cade asked. She sensed the shared trepidation in his voice.
“It’s not like he’s being allowed to work,” Elijah reminded Lily. “And he’s been bitching to us nonstop at the station about how bored he is.”
“It’s true,” Cade admitted with a shrug.
“Uh, it’s okay. It was just a random thought. I should probably go home and practice my choux skills, anyway—”
“You two don’t be weird,” Elijah said as he rolled his eyes and slipped on his jacket. “Cade, I know you love to hike. Don’t you even keep your gear in your ride most of the time?”
Cade looked at Lily. “Well, yeah …”
“Then go,” Elijah said. “While the rest of us are stuck at work, make the most of a rare sunny Sunday.”
“I mean, a hike would be good …” Cade said slowly. His eyes searched Lily’s for permission.
“Sure!” she said, aware of how fake her enthusiasm sounded. “Sounds good.”